Nineteen Months

[HAP]

Nineteen months.

I have been at sixes and sevens all day today. I have wandered the house, wandered the yard, wandered about my mind. I have stared at the computer screen for hours. I have haunted the Internet, checked my email a thousand times. I have waited for the phone to ring--and dreaded hearing the phone ring.

Nineteen months.

Babies have been born and learned to walk and talk. Couples have fallen in and out of love. Students have graduated and moved on--twice. Books have been written and published and sold and remaindered. Elections have come, gone and are coming again. Businesses have opened and closed and filed for bankruptcy. Others have opened and grown and flourished.

Nineteen months.

I have planted and harvested and planted again. I have retired from one work and begun another. I have cried and laughed and mourned and cried and laughed and mourned. I have grown and grown old and grown young and grown old again. My hair has gone white and my step has grown weak.

Nineteen months.

I have planned and cleaned and planned and painted and planned and built and planned and created. And nothing is done. And a dozen different things are started. But nothing is finished.

Nineteen months.

I have never been more productive. I have never been more creative. I have never been more. And I have never felt less productive, less creative or anything less.

Nineteen months.

We hiked through fields and over mountains. Now I walk the empty streets to her headstone.

Nineteen months.

What does it mean to love someone too much? What does it mean when they die? What does it mean to climb the too familiar stair of a too familiar house? What is the sound of empty?

Nineteen months.

People tell me I am strong. People tell me I am brave. People tell me she would be proud. People tell me I am making a difference.

Nineteen months.

It is forever. It is the blink of an eye--less than the blink of an eye. But it is really forever.

Nineteen months.

Sleep eludes me. Joy eludes me. Success eludes me. Every victory reminds me of the loss. Every failure scars my soul. No scar matches her death.

Nineteen months.

"I always saw us growing old together. I saw us retired, traveling, reading, writing, gardening. I saw the time together. I saw our slow decline to death, together--or not very far apart."

Nineteen months.

"I forgive you."

Nineteen months.

I forgive you.

[mfh]

Harry, as usual you said it so well. Your words describe your journey, mine-at 27+ months, and I imagine the journeys of many of us. I especially relate to cried and mourned and to so much not finished. You have used these months well...you have dedicated your being to to your foundation.

Joy eludes me also. I do not even look for joy. I look for meaning. You are doing the meaningful.

Mary

[dave s]

nicely said Harry!

[Lina]

*hugs* Beautifully expressed.

[Cosel]

I understand and feel the same way. It has been almost 20 months for me.

[Wifflesnook]

Harry I can't express myself as articulately as you but I just wanted to say that this post speaks straight to my heart. Jan

[kayc]

My 2 cents...you can never love too much, unless it isn't reciprocal.

Thanks, Harry!

[Queeniemary]

Pefectly said Harry, For me, in two days it will be 2 1/2 half years, 30 months. Unbelieveable. In another month from now Mike would have turned 65.....

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MHO419]

Beautiful...Forgiveness

33 months and I haven't: planted, harvested, worked, cleaned, painted, hiked, slept, or grieved.

[Dwaynecg]

My Dear Friend Harry,

Harry, like always, you are a gifted man with the words you write. We all can, relate to them in many different ways, the way they touch our own lives.

I for one am very different than most on here. I admit it, I had dreams of growing old with the love of my life, Pauline.

That never happened, like most everyone else on here, it was cut short. The difference being, we knew that it was an improbability, of growing old together, because of the MS.

You can never love someone to much, Pauline showed me that on her final day, final hour, final minute, last breath, when I had prayed so hard for two days, just to her say " I Love You " one more time.

That was my final gift from her was those words, " I Love You Too ".

Many friends and her family, thought I could have done better for employment. Yes I could have, but I loved Pauline to much to take a job, other than what I had. It paid the bills, and I could take off whenever she needed me. To me that was worth the weight in gold, that others could not understand until after she passed. That is when they really seen the true deep love we had for each other. We never wasted a moment of time worrying about tomorrow, we lived for today. I am so glad we did. Oh how I miss her so much, but I have no regrets and would live life with her the same way.

I am at peace now, I have a new life, new career, and I will continue my education. I love learning, studding, helping others. I wish I could help you find peace with yourself. After all we all done all we could, and the out come would have still been the same, that was my biggest thing that burned in my brain for so long, until I could forgive myself, but I had, nothing to forgive, it was not in my hands weather Pauline lived, or not. Nothing I could have done would have kept her alive. Now she lives in my soul, my spirit, my mind, I remember everything about her and always will. That is when you love someone so much, they become part of you, and death will never separate us, and after I die, we will be together forever.

God Bless, My Dear Friend,

Dwayne