I Am New Here.

[kountryvet]

Good morning,

I don't really know what to expect anymore. I have slipped into a haze and I really thought I was moving forward. I am beginning to think that the last 4 months that I was in denial and that just know I am starting to process. The weird thing about that is that I thought that about 2 months ago, and about 1 month ago, and about 2 weeks ago. I realize that it is a roller coaster of emotions but at some time the ebbs and flows of it should start mellowing shouldn't they?

I am Pat and my wife was Diane. We met 7 years ago today on Match.com. I was trying to heal from a divorce and really thought I just needed some attention again in my wife from some new people. It truly was instantaneous(sp?). From our early emails to the first time I saw her we knew we had a special connection. I tried to fight it even, thinking that Di was just a rebound. She moved in and we started making that special history that binds us to each other. We married on Jan 1st, 2011 in San Diego and thought we had finally found true happiness. On April 12th of 2011 we found out that she had breast cancer. Stage 1a they told us after her double mastectomy. The odds of any recurrance are "extremly low". "You'll be fine and should expect a normal life expectancy" they said. On Dec 23rd of last year after we had been dealing with a persistant cough she was moved to Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. We will never know why she was so unlucky but she was. The cancer never gave her a break and she passed on July 25th of 2012 a day before her 42nd birthday.

That's Diane's sad story and I am sure it isn't much different then any of yours. I know that time heals, but I feel stuck. I fight to get out of bed. I fight to eat, I just don't see the point. I don't think I am suicidal but I just don't understand what the point is. I had what so many people are looking for, a true soulmate. Not a wife, not a roommate. A partner, a lover, a friend, a confidant and now nothing. My friends don't get it. They want me to "get over it", "move on", "maybe if you met someone else". They can't see the dull ache, the emptiness in my eyes, and they sure don't want to talk about it. Maybe they are scared that the don't want to see the true side of pain. Why are they distancing themselves from me? Are they afraid they don't know what to say? I want them to listen. This is where you all come in.

I came here about two months ago and browsed around. I don't know any of you from "Adam", but maybe that is okay. I hope that by writting down my feelings now and then that it will be cathartic. I can hope, right? I am going to work now, try to find some purpose in the day, hopefully today it will be a "good one". Thanks for listening.

Pat

[ANC1117]

Pat,

My heart goes out to you, I know how it is to lose a loved one/soul mate at such a young age. My Celene was only 40 when she passed. I too thought I was okay for the first several months. It was about 6 months before I came to this group. The friends I have met here have been quite helpful. The responses, advice, and postings help me to realize I am not alone on this journey. I also know how hard it is to get out of bed and how friends can become distant, that is why I found this group to be very helpful for me.

Anthony

[kayc]

Pat,

I am so sorry you lost your soulmate...that is what I considered my husband to be too. I don't know why life is so unfair and some are hit and other are unscathed, I just know that it is and it seems rather random.

I'm glad you have a job to go to, that can take up some time and be a bit distracting and that helps, although I also know at this stage it's hard to function...and like you said, it's hard to see the point.

You have found a good place here, I would not have survived if not for this place. It does help to get things out and not hold them in, for one thing it validates how we feel and restores some of the power lost to us when our loved one died, just putting voice to our feelings.

You mentioned people telling you to move on, that is not what you need to be hearing and if they knew anything about grief, they wouldn't be saying it to you...but thank God they don't know about grief, we wouldn't wish this on anyone! We never "move on" from this, it forever alters our world and who we are, and it is THAT to which we must learn to cope with and adjust to, and that is a daunting task, one that takes much time and effort. You have people here that will help you through it if you so desire.

I think sometimes people just don't know what to say or do, but death makes them uncomfortable, almost like they view it as contagious...it is not your situation they are rejecting, but their fears about their own vulnerable lives...they don't want their life to change like yours did and are afraid of confronting that. But like it or not, life hits us randomly and none of us know how or when it will strike...not always in bad ways, sometimes in good ways, like your meeting your Diane. I would rather have the limited time I got with George, even though it resulted in pain and loss, than to have never had it at all. I will always have my memories and those no one can take from me.

My only advice is to try to take it a day at a time, sometimes even that is too much and it's more like an hour or a minute at a time. Try not to think about "the rest of your life" and focus instead on this moment, that is enough to handle. Learning to listen to our inner selves helps too, what WE want, what WE need. Take as good care of yourself as you can, eat healthy, try to sleep, take walks, for taking care of ourselves gives us optimal return in our coping abilities and how we feel. It is one of the few things we can control.

Beyond that, all we can do is try to balance our lives as best as we can, plenty of time alone, but sometimes being around others too...you will know when you are ready and for how much. In the beginning I think many of us hole ourselves up...it's like we can't relate to the rest of the world anymore...but eventually we find we have to live somehow and we search for some way to do so. You will see our struggles here, also our triumphs as we venture into the unknown and survive! There are times we rant or vent, times we encourage, and many times of learning and sharing.

Welcome here.

Kay

[kountryvet]

Hi

I am back. Wow. Have I ever done this thing so wrong. I am a fricking mess. I just don't care anymore. I'm not suicidal. I wouldn't do that to my kids. But I feel so damaged. And I blatantly did so many stupid things. Too damn impulsive. I thought I was tougher. Thought I was more intelligent. Thought I had to just get through the initial pain. But now all I feel is numb like so many of you have shared. And alone. And so damn bored. Heck, food doesn't even taste anymore. I mean really.

I understand I am rambling. Its what I do. And it is even worse now. I am on here tonight because you all understand. And my friends don't know what to do with me anymore. They look past us don't they. They just don't want to look into my eyes. To see the pain, the despair, the anguish. They are scared to walk in my shoes. And it just makes it that much worse. I process by verbalizing. So instead of scaring the hell out of my friends, I will write my words. Maybe they make sense to some of you. I really don't care. I just need to get them out of my head before I go crazy. Funny how I am almost writing the same words from 6 months ago. Just reread my first post. Kinda scared me how little change there is from then.

I bought a house for Diane. She loved it. Why? I am so stuck now. I closed on the house 2 days after she died. I wouldn't move her in. I didn't want MY first experience in the house to be watching her die. I fought with my mother in law about it. I fought with Diane about it. I am so filled with guilt that I didn't fulfill Diane's dying wish. I watched her die in a fricking rental. Sorry Im using that word a lot. I've got another word, but I'll keep it PG. But damn it I had to live in this house. I was going to have to keep moving on, right? Anyway, the house sat for two months. I didn't finish moving until this last march. Huh. I literally watched as others packed up the remaining things of Diane's and we moved them into the new garage. More on that later.

So, the house wasn't quite right. Hired my best friend, a carpenter, and proceeded to spend 65000 dollars over budget to make the house right. It is beautiful but now I am trapped. My little town doesn't support 250000 dollar homes no matter how nice they are. So I have managed to piss away a significant amount of my retirement. Yeah. It gets better.

I drank. Yeah, I know. What the hell is the matter with you? That's what "country boys" do when the pain is too much. So I drank, and drank, and drank. Not tonight. For the first time in I don't remember. I don't know if I am an alcoholic now. We will see. It would really be miserable if I am because I really like a nice red wine now and then. Im going to hold myself to a couple drinks now and then. If I can't stop. I'll seek treatment. But wait it gets better.

And I dated. and dated, and dated. Yeah, I know. What the hell? I told you I made mistakes. I apparently am of weak mind. And we all know why I did it. To fill a void. To have someone to hold. To feel good for an hour or two. Well at least that is what I think I was doing. To be honest it gave me something to focus on. Wished I had put that focus to good use. But here are the things that no one talks about. So maybe this is the real gist of my post. 1) Diane came to me before she died and asked me to move on. She knew I was a good man and that I would ultimately make someone a fantastic partner again. Her words not mine. 2) I feel like the clock is ticking and it is multifactorial. a) I think I watched an incredibly vivacious person die in the course of 16 months, why cant that happen to me I'm 47 and I want to continue making love and I can feel the body fading. The back is tired more. The belly is looser. I want to have relations whilst I still can. I know stupid, but it is what my mind is telling me. And 3) We had it. I mean real love. The kind that when we spoke of each other our friends could see our faces light up. I didn't ever, not once bitch about Diane to any of my friends over a beer. Never. Not that she didn't do things that drove me a little crazy, but I certainly didn't bitch about them. I told a friend the other night after he asked me what it meant to be truly in love, how do you know he asked. I told him that true love is with every action, every decision, I would think how it would affect Diane. I know that is really simple, but it is how I see it.

So now I am stuck. Wishing for what was. Knowing that it is possible, yet wondering if I will ever be "Healed" again. I know time, patience, it will happen when your ready. If I had a dollar......? So maybe that is why I am here. I look for that one post when somebody says yeah, I am better. I found someone and it is good.... Give me a little hope, that I will not still be writing these rambling posts at 11 o'clock on a sunday night. I want to be better. I want to smile. And dammit, I want someone to hold me again. I mean really hold you, and look into my eyes and say "Pat, its going to be okay"

So that's my status update. I think I'll try to be more active here. Maybe it will help. And hopefully, I will be an asset to this community.

[KATPILOT]

Pat,

This is truly a bad time for you. You did some stupid things. I did too. I think a lot of us did. I was not much better when I reached eleven months than you are now. It is tragic to loose someone so young. I thought Kathy being only 51 was bad but 41? Well, I guess I feel your pain. Kathy also had a cancer but it was so rare that I will never know any one else that dies from it.. The money I lost was staggering between medical bills and loosing control of myself trying to manage money. That was what she did. Point is, I had to learn. It took a while but I am getting better at it. You know, like I know, that it was just money. Perhaps you might agree that we would be happy to have no money at all if they could still be alive. Life just isn't fair.

I hope you spend more time here and read a lot of what others have written. Expressing and sharing is an important tool. There is a lot of compassion and healing among us. I am two years and four months into it.

I see that I can survive. Kathy would want that for me. I think Diane would want that for you as well.

Stephen

[kountryvet]

That's it. I think I finally figured out what it is that I am having the toughest time with. I feel so different and at times I really don't feel comfortable on here because of the things I think and do. But I didn't sign on for this thing called "grief". I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS. There I said it. I do not want to be doing this anymore. I don't want to cry when they play a particular song. I want to be able to watch Grey's Anatomy with my daughters and not have the slow sadness creep over me. I don't want people to say well he did that because his wife died. I want my damn life back.

When Diane told me she had cancer. I held her and told it would be all right. When they "butchered" her I held her and told her she was still a sexy and all "woman". When that damn cough came and I knew that the son of a bitch came back. I cried with her. I lied to her. A lot. I am a veterinarian. I know the course of action. And I bold face lied to her and told her she had a chance. I held her hair back as she pucked every day as the chemo "tried to kill her almost". I cleaned drains. I took off work. And now I have to go to work. I have to try and run this damn clinic and I could give a flying crap about anything.

So here I am at eleven months and I am no where. And I did not sign on for this part. Isn't it enough. I gave Cancer 16 months. Now another 11. And I read your posts and some of you are out 30 months or 5 years. God that depresses me. I don't want to do it. I don't want anymore work. I don't want another assignment. I want to be better. I want a pill. Cut it out. But I do not want to do this anymore. I want to be healed.

There. That's how I feel. Please someone else who is a "mental midget" tell me they have some of these same thoughts.

[kayc]

Pat,

I feel like you just need someone to hold you, while you let it all out. You are filled with pain, so much pain, and I'm sure you feel oh so tired. Okay, so the drinking and dating didn't give you the relief you'd hoped for and in the end, you still have the pain and grief to deal with...that's understood. You won't get any judgment here...we know that doesn't work, we made some mistakes ourselves, but everyone seems to need to figure things out in their own time and way. You've realized some things, and I really think in the end you're going to be okay...as okay as any of us are. As okay as you can be when your life gets turned upside down.

The trouble is, I don't know of any quick fix, I don't know any way around the grief work, the effort, it's exhausting and it takes time, and that's not what any of us have wanted to hear, but it's true.

I hear your cries and I am so sorry. But this is a start, letting out the words, the pain.

[kountryvet]

Thank you Stephen and KayC. I vented this morning and now I'm okay. Not great, but okay. And I know it isn't easy or fair to any of us. I think writing my thoughts is cathartic. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I hear them, just don't always listen. LOL. And so I am back to this. Maybe someday I'll do counseling. Tried it once but it was with a lot of older widows and I just didn't get the connection. My "moving on" seemed different. I had to work. Too possibly do this again. I don't know if that was fair but it's what I felt.

Anyway, no sad thoughts this afternoon. Work is going well today and I am hitting the bike trail for some much needed time alone. Maybe that is the work you discuss. I think that is the part that's so frustrating. Looking for an answer that isn't available. Looking for that epiphany that says I am better. I know it doesn't happen that way, but can I hope. Thank you again for your kind words. Patience seems to be the key. Not my strong suit. But I can work on it. :]

Pat.

[mfh]

Pat,

Mary here. I have read all your posts and want to respond to a couple of things you said. First, there is NO way around grief or under it or over it. The only way is through it. And these past months are not a waste. You have learned a lot about what does not work, you have learned a lot about yourself. You have had the courage to come here, back off and come back. We hope you stay and benefit the way all of us have. IThis is a loving understanding community of people. The world does not respond often to our grief in a way that we need. It is not your imagination. I am one of those who has been here a while. Bill died 3+ years ago. What you might not have seen in the posts about those of us who have been around a while is that as we have dealt with our loss we have also grown, transformed, and gotten involved in life again. We stay for the love and support and non judgment and because people here understand that we are grieving and always will but we also carry that with greater ease. I also stay so that others can learn from my mistakes and my growth. Helping others is healing for me.

You mentioned counseling with a group of widows. How about some individual counseling? You have a lot of frustration, pain, anger and fear as we all have and have had. I did a spousal loss group through Hospice. I saw a grief counselor individually for several months and I have been a participant here. I also have friends some of whom let me talk even if they do not get it and some who get some of it. All of that support has helped me move through my grief. Each of our journeys is unique to us and it sounds like having a face to face person to talk to, vent to, cry with, and process with would really be helpful. Hospice can help you find one in your area. Meds are not going to do it. Running is not going to do it. I did a lot of running around (which is running away disguised) and I know better...I did that as I also did my grief work.

I hope you come here often...daily perhaps and as someone said, read some posts from those who are here and have been here. I learned a lot by doing that. Stick with us...it is a LONG journey and it won't go away quickly...and the grief (missing her) will never go away completely. It is a life altering event but life can be altered to include joy again. Someone said to me that her motto is: "Surrender or you will drown". That works for me. This is an opportunity for you to grow and find joy again. I wish you peace. Mary

[kayc]

Great post, Mary, I agree!

[KATPILOT]

You bet Mary, right you are.

Pat I wanted to say that while I had grief support in group, I also felt the need to have individual counseling. It helped me a lot and I've learned to use every tool available to me to survive.

By the way, It's nice to see you venting.

Stephen

[kayc]

I got individual grief counseling too, and wish they would have had a grief support group for our town but didn't.

[MartyT]

Pat, my dear, I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I agree completely with all that our members are saying to you. I certainly do not mean to push, but if you find that venting here is not enough, and you're willing to consider their suggestions, you might find these articles of interest:

Are You Reluctant to Seek Grief Counseling?

Finding Grief Support That Is Right for You

[Cakes01]

Pat

I don't know exactly how you feel, but what you have described that is how i'm feeling. It's only been a little over 2 months for me. The first month i was up and down, but never like this. It's like it's setting in that Marcus is really gone. I to have a love of wine. Lately i have been drinking to ease the pain. I read the articles and go to therapy, but i still feel lost-doing stupid things. I was going threw a divorce too when i met the man i have always dreamed of. We really were so good together. I never really believed you could find someone that you connected with on every level. That's what we did. Being held-getting hugs even if not emotional is a big deal. I don't get those anymore. My therapist is a female and she gives me a hug once a week, but that's it. People will say "surround yourself with family and friends that love and support you" ok that is great advice if-if you have them! I don't. I often ask Marcus to come get me-hold me. No suicide is not the way to go. To feel him hold me again....to have anyone care enough to let me cry in their arms till i can't cry anymore-just listen....

May not be too much help from me, but you are not alone in your thinking-well what you've described. I can ramble too i also find your candor? (Not a good speller)refreshing.

Kristen

[Cakes01]

Also the "i don't want to do this anymore"? I say it everyday to Marcus. We were supposed to be doing lifetogether. A new start for both of us-real love-healthy relationship.

[kountryvet]

Good morning all,

And a special good morning to you Kristen. I am sorry this is a few days behind. Just got back from DC for a mini-vacation. Kristen I read some of your posts. And this isn't going to help a lot but yeah, I get them. And I am so sorry for your loss. It isn't fair and I think the aspect that makes it so poignant to you is you know the difference now between a good relationship and a bad one. I am assuming some things but that is certainly how I felt.

So your at two months. Hell, I don't even remember the first two months. Just a blur. I don't know if the brain blocked or if it was the booze. I just don't remember the details. I do remember a switch about then and I think your right. It was a gutteral pain. Made me sick to my stomach. Couldn't get my breath. Physical manifestations of emotional pain is really the way I would describe it. And the loneliness. I didn't turn the TV off in any room for at least 4 months. I couldn't sleep. I really don't know what I would do without Diane in my life. And you are absolutely right. Everyone pulls away. I think it is two fold. One they don't know what to say and are afraid they will make it worse and two, they are scared that someday it could happen to them. My thoughts, no research.

So I wanted to share some of the things I did that I think helped. Hopefully, others will either chime in or chastise me. But I wanted you to know what seemed to help. And that is the funny thing. Seemed. Do any of us really know if we are better. We think we are and then "WHAM" right back in the s***. And I also wanted you to know it will get better. You will heal. Don't know when, but I know you can.

First, I think the shock is wearing off. And when it did for me, I found that this helped. I would tell people that I was "doing well" , "getting better". Yeah, right. But I would feel better. I wouldn't cry for a day or maybe it was an hour. I could go a few hours without thinking of Diane. "I was okay". And then I could feel the cycle starting. Something would get me going down a slippery slope of sadness. And I could feel it building over a few days or hours and I would fight. "Damn it, I am stronger than this". And I believe that made it worse. So I changed tactics and started to "feel" the sadness, the loneliness, the anger. I got all of the pictures out at night and without alcohol(I stress this), I would have a 4-6 hour cry. I mean that gut wrenching tears down your face, box of Kleenex, blubbering cry. I would redo the night she died. Everything we experienced together. The happy days, the okay days. The lazy sunday days. Just tear myself all the way down til I fell into a fitful sleep. And then the sun would come up, and strangely I would be better. It didn't happen right away the next day, but I could feel myself getting stronger. I think I did this 15-20 times. Probably still have some to do. But I have only had one in the past three months. See above. That was the middle of one. And the past three-four days I have been good.

Second phase, third phase I dont know. But during one of these cycles I really crashed. Bad. Ended up having to go see someone because I was having bad thoughts. And that is not an option. Diane would kick my ass if she knew I quit. Literally, I think she would. LOL. Anyway, I drove about 4 hours to find the one man, my cousin, who was strong enough to let me share some of my dark thoughts. So I drove and found an old country station and I swear every song on that radio reminded me of Diane and our love. I cried and drove. And landed in the North woods of Wisconsin. We ate, we talked and we drank wine. Too much. And Chad woke me the next morning at 9, handed me a pair of snow shoes and made me go snowshoeing. Something I had never done. And I was still raw and hungover. We sweat and about an hour into this three hour walk, he turned to me and asked if I was alright. I wasn't but I asked him to leave me in the woods. I needed time to think. And I did. I realized then after a long introspective period. That several things where true. One, losing Diane I had lost half of me. My body, soul, and mind had died a little the day she died. And I needed time to heal. And it was going to take work. Two, I was doing something that was fun and a new experience for me and that to me meant that life was still worth it. I had more things to experience, more things to enjoy, and more to just do. And three, I had to change. I couldn't do some of the things that were so important to Diane and I. I couldn't expect me to heal if I continued to live as thou nothing changed. Diane wasn't coming back. We wouldn't sit on the porch and drink a nice wine on a warm summer's eve. So I needed to find new hobbies. Find stuff that Diane and I hadn't done together. So back on the Bike. Maybe snowshoeing was it. I am still working on that part. And I am still healing. But that February day I saw that there was a chance that I could heal. Before that I was really lost.

Now as you can see by some of my earlier posts this week. It isn't easy. Its a bitch. And somedays, I don't want to work on it. Not unlike the people healing from major trauma or a stroke. They get frustrated, mad, depressed and generally have bad days. And I have a bunch of front of me. I know that. But at least here on this forum I can vent. I can put into words what I feel. And that is really cathartic for me. I don't know what you have to do for your work. I am just a country veterinarian with blue humour and a twisted sense of being. But know that you will find something, you'll see the light. You will have good experiences again. And you will heal. Scarred but healed. Well at least I believe you will.

I hope this will help. But I really, get the hugs. That sucks, the lack of human contact. The knowing that someone loves you as much as you love them. I have to get some from my mother now and then. My kids think I'm a little weird, but its okay. They need hugs too. Back to work. Maybe the Bike again today. Its going to be a beautiful day here and I am going to enjoy that.

Pat (((hugs)))

[kountryvet]

So after a miserable week of spiraling out of control, I sought individual grief counseling. I figured it couldn't hurt. But as I think of it I am opening my mind to the possibility that someone might better help me find the way when I am lost.

Last week, I packed the remaining items of Diane's, put them in a box and hauled them to the attic. I also closed her Facebook account and archived all the data. I received a lot of positives from her family and friends. But it wasn't easy. Not one iota. But I feel my strength returning. It isn't because of that, just a generalized comfort. I think I am even getting my smirk back. At least that is what I am being told. Funny, how the ups and downs go with this thing called grief. It is by no means linear. Wish it was, would make more sense to me.

Thanks for all of your advice. Just wanted you to know it wasn't falling on deaf ears.

Pat

[MartyT]

Good for you, Pat! I happen to think of grief counseling as a precious gift you can give yourself. (Obviously I'm a bit prejudiced in that regard ) It takes real strength and courage to acknowledge your need for support and to reach out for it, but truly, it can change your life ~ for the better. ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Pat,

I had private grief counseling for a more than a year after Doug left, and my counselor is still there if I need her.

It was one of the best things I did for myself: to find someone who understood, and would listen no matter what I needed to talk about that day. Some weeks, early on, I saw her twice.

She certainly helped me to save my sanity several times.

Peace and Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I also have read your posts, Pat. I am so so sorry that you lost your Diane. I stand before you and can say with a very strong voice that I chose individual grief counseling and am glad I did. This grief work is tough. It is painful. It is not something we want. We live minute to minute, hour by hour, day by day, but we live. We open ourselves to the pain. We share and it does become bearable. It does change our lives. Welcome to this circle of grievers. This is a 'healing' place. Anne

[mfh]

Pat, I am so glad you reached out and got yourself into individual grief counseling. Congratulations for being brave and wise. I, too, have a grief counselor available to me anytime I want to schedule again...that after seeing her many times during the first year or so. Good for you.

Of course, you will be continuing here also, I assume. This group will be here for you and we look forward to your sticking around.

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

Pat,

Ditto what Mary said, about staying around. This is a very healing tribe, and the help in making it through lots of rough spots has been powerful and healing for me.

Come, pull up a place by the fire, and join the Tribe.

We welcome you.

Blessings and Peace,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I'm glad you decided to get help with it, it can be overwhelming to try and sort out on your own. And bravo to you for tackling some of her stuff, that is hard, I well remember.