Hi I'm New My Husband Of 34 Years Died Jan 10

[LindaKate]

Hi I'm new my husband of 34 yrs died jan 10 his funeral Jan 18. just wondering how you managed to get through these early so painful days. If this has been discussed before I apologize and could you help me find the topic. too new to think very clearly LindaKate

[Queeniemary]

Oh, my dear Linda Kate, I am so sorry for your loss. Three years ago on Jan 13 my husband died, and we had his funeral on Jan 18, all in the year 2010. I can so relate to how you are feeling. You are doing well to reach out for help, it took me 3 months to realize I needed help. You will find so many here, with such better and more pertinent advice on how to survive than I have. All I can tell you is you just have to take it one second at a time, then one minute, then one hours, etc. I hurt for you, knowing just how you are hurting right now. Just try to take care of the basics right now. Eat, try to get enough sleep, let yourself grieve, but you must take care of yourself. Do you have children, at home, or away from home? Do you have family and/or friends support? I can tell you this forum is a wonderful place to come, and it has kept me sane these past three years. Nothing you can say here will be wrong, and don't ever apologize for anything you need to say.Of course you are not thinking clearly, don't think I did that for months after Mike died. Wishing you strength, you know you will need it to get through the times to come. Sending you hugs from another who had a similar gut wrenching January 3 years ago. We are all here for you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[enna]

Dear LindaKate,

I am so sorry for your loss. 34 years – how lovely. Your loss is so fresh. I am happy you have found this place so soon. Many of us have lost our soulmates within the past year and others who are on their grief journey after several years are here for you. Stay with us and you will experience a very caring group of people.

You asked a very big question. My own personal journey began in May 2012. I was not even thinking straight for several months. Advice that I remember from my first months on this site was in the form of self-care: breathe, eat, rest, and exercise. Hopefully you have support from family and friends. Ask them to help you in what you need.

After that, my personal opinion would be to suggest that you go to www.griefhealing.com - a web site our moderator, Marty, has set up for us. Scroll down and there you will find articles/columns/books to start you out. I find the Healing Course: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey directed by Marty to be very helpful to me. I am only into the first months of the course. I receive the lessons through e-mail twice a month.

Others will be able to direct you to helpful sites also. I don’t want to overwhelm you.

I carry your heart with me during your journey. Anne

[LarrysGirl]

Welcome to a wonderful site filled with others who have also suffered a tragic loss. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. You are in the right place for posting, sharing or just needing a shoulder to lean on. I couldn't have survived without the support of many the people on this site. Deborah

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your husband. I found this place less than two weeks after my husband passed, and it's been a godsend ever since.

How I got through in those early days...one of the best pieces of advice I got was to take a day at a time, an hour, a moment, no more than you can handle. In the beginning I would look at "the rest of my life" and it was too much to handle, so I learned to get through this day, that's all. Also to take good care of myself, walk, eat right, drink lots of water...you'd think that'd come naturally, but not when you're grieving. Taking care of yourself gives you the best chance you can have for coping. Also, getting help if needed, sleeping pills from a doctor if you aren't sleeping at all, accept a friend's help doing things around the place, it takes time to learn to do the things your husband did and some things we may not be able to. Also, it helps to voice yourself. When my husband died, I felt my power ripped from me as no one asked me if I wanted this, and in voicing yourself, you are heard and it helps restore some of that power, it's not good to keep it all in. You will find some people are clueless or say the wrong things, but you will be heard and understood here, this is a safe place.

I hope you continue to come here, we've all been where you are.

[mfh]

Dear LimdaKate,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it is one of the worst times, if not the worst time of your life. All of us in the spousal/partner loss forum have lived through those early weeks and months and frankly we still do not know how we did it. I can tell you that you could not have found a more welcoming, understanding and non judgmental place to land. I lost my husband and soulmate almost three years ago. I guess that makes me one of those who is further down this path but frankly it feels like yesterday very often.

Everyone's journey through this loss is unique but in these early days it is really important that you take it an hour or so or a day at a time; that you try to get sleep whenever you can as grief is in itself exhausting; that you try to eat something often, drink water and rest. These early days are tough but very slowly, I mean slowly, the pain is not as gut wrenching. Share your pain here, your story, read the current and older posts of any or all of us. We all still grieve...we are here for you.

Come back often. You WILL get through this and all of us will walk with you. I am sorry for your pain. I barely remember the first weeks. But we are all still here. Our moderator is Marty, not only an incredibly compassionate grief counselor but very experienced and a great resource.

Do keep posting. Peace to your heart as you walk through this.

Mary

[LindaKate]

Thank you bless you thank you for each kind and encouraging reply. Thank you for the time you each took to write such helpful words. I've read your posts again slowly. I can't pick up a book and read but I can read your words so clearly only computer screen. My HOV Bereavement Counselor told me about your helpful forum and I am so thankful to her and all of you for being here. I am not sure how to navigate the site. Is it possible to respond to individual posts or do you respond to the topic? Again thank you made this evening bearable. LindaKate

[Wifflesnook]

Dear LindaKate

My husband of fifty years died last May and I am still lost. If it hasn't been for this forum and the lovely people in it I would be in a worse place. Please start by sharing something about your self and your beloved husband. My husband's name is Pete and I like to think he walks alongside me somehow. Jan

[enna]

Dear LindaKate,

You asked about navigating the site. Yes, you can respond to individual posts just click on quote at the bottom right of the post you wish to respond to and you will see a box that will allow you to write your response. Don't forget to hit the post box when you are finished. Visit us often. I gain much strength from all the caring people on this forum. Anne

[feralfae]

Dear LindaKate,

I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. I am truly happy that you have found this unique and loving sanctuary, where feelings are respected, shared, and acknowledged for each other. I remember being almost continually numb the first several months, and was sort of foundering in many ways until recently, when I realized I needed to find ways to help me on this journey and with taking care of myself. Kay and Mary made excellent points about taking care of yourself. It is good to be reminded of self care during these days of so much loss and walking through the shadows of grief.

I am very new here. I lost my Doug almost one year ago on 7 February, 2012, and yes, it is easier to bear now than it was ten months ago. We were married only ten years, although we had lots of friends in common for more than twenty years, somehow, we did not meet until Doug found me through something I had written that was published in something he read. Then we had the most wonderful years either of us had ever enjoyed. I know you have wonderful memories, and that those will help to sustain you through this time. I am so glad you are here now. This is a good place to share and be heard, and to be understood as well.

Some of the fog is lifting for me now, and I can smile and laugh sometimes now, and I know Doug is still watching and caring for me, which is my biggest comfort.

Each day seemed so long and painful the first few months, that I often thought it would be easier to join Doug than to go on without him. Fortunately, a dear friend intervened at just the right moment and informed me that Doug had told her to tell me to stay in my body. No joke! She was pretty frantic about making sure I got the message, which was a very good thing. I can smile now about how vehement she was to make sure I "got it" about not leaving.

I hope you have lots of loving support. I know you will find love and caring here. This is the best place I have found to learn to share, open up, feel free to grieve, and not to be given a lot of "shoulds" from others.

I know you will find solace here, and amazing and loving concern and support. I feel as though I am sort of at a balance right now, but hope that somewhere among my words, you may find some loving support, although most days, I still feel that others' words are my life line hauling me along and keeping me from sinking into the abyss of grief and loss.

I'm glad you are here, and I hope to share with you often. This is a good place to heal your heart, and to learn a lot of good coping—and thriving—skills for our futures.

Much Love,

feralfae

[pumkin]

Dear LindaKate,

I am truly sorry for your very recent loss. The people here are so loving and supportive. I don't think I could have made it without them. Marty is so caring and guides all of us with gentle words. I find strength and courage to go on here. I lost my Marco to a massive heart attack this past August 20 in my driveway. So I'm still pretty new to this myself. Welcome to this healing place.

Pumkin

[kayc]

LindaKate,

It took me a while, but I learned to draw from my husband, deep inside of me, that I carry him with me, not only in memories, but in my heart. When I need comfort or encouragement or strength, I reach down inside and receive it from him, as he was always my biggest supporter and fan. I don't feel he has ceased to exist, but rather changed form. Oh that we could cross that abyss that separates the present form from what is to come! As we wait for that day, it helps to try to find something good about today. In the beginning it is hard to do so, a stretch on some days, but it helps to keep our eyes open for it anyway.

I remember those early days...I remember feeling frantic and not wanting to live. I was in shock, and it took time to process the horror of the sudden onslaught of life changes that had become my new existence. I had to waft through the pain and hurt and anger and confusion. Time, which I once thought my enemy, became my best friend because it was time that granted me acceptance and the coping abilities that I needed. Each person's grief journey is unique and so will our ways of dealing with it. Don't let anyone lay on you what you should or should not be feeling, most who try to do so have not been there and don't know what they're talking about. All of the feelings we have are normal and to be expected...the key is not what we feel, but what we do with it.

Good luck on your journey, we will be here to travel it with you, and you will make it through this.

[amw]

LindaKate,

I too am so sorry for your loss. This has been a very good place to come for me, many supportive people that truely understand what you are going through, and how it takes time, sometimes lots and lots of time before you begin to feel like you can even begin to take a step forward. You have suffered a great loss, and you need to be kind and loving to yourself right now, nurture yourself as much as possible, and lean on the people here, we will support you! It has been 9 1/2 months since I lost my husband, and I know that I am some better, but still have a long way to go. We will always love and miss our beloved spouses, that will never change! Give yourself permission to grief your loss, we will be here for you along the way. Don't be to hard on yourself, you have been through a lot, so give yourself time, and don't worry about what anyone else thinks, they are NOT in your shoes, and they don't have your connection to your spouse the way you did. People mean well, but at a time like this, they don't understand, and they have difficulty with comforting us. They just want us to move on and forget all the rest, but we can't and shouldn't do that, we need this time to mourn and grief the ones we love. There is no set time period for grief, so don't let others tell you there is, everyone is unique, and has to process it in their own way and time.