Wifflesnook Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Is that the hardest thing? How do you all cope with that waking up to the realisation that your loved one has gone? I thought that by now (after almost 9 months) I would have been toughened up to it, but. No. It's seven am in the uk and after the usual restless night I've awakened to a new day without Pete. I have to get up, tend to the fire, let the dog out and pour my coffee and return to a lonely bed to drink it. Same every morning. I can't honestly say it has got easier to bear and I can't imagine how it could. I try so hard to convince myself now lucky I have been but it isn't working. Some days are bad and some days are worse. I have no motivation at all. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Jan, I am so sorry. I do know that it is difficult to get up and face each day. It all feels futile. It does get "not as challenging" in time. In the meantime, know you are not alone. People here including me are walking with you through this pain. It is 1:30am here and sleep is coming hard for me and I checked my email killing time...to find a notice of your post and just wanted to reach out to you in your pain. There are still days where waking up is overflowing with the pain of my loss. At 9 months that was every day but in time those days get further apart...and then there are the nights where sleep alludes me...again not every night... I hope in this day ahead of you that besides it feeling like a climb up Everest, that you will know others, including me, trek along with you. I know it feels like you are alone, but you aren't. Peace and love to you, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted February 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Thank you dear Mary. How lovely to get a response to my cry of pain so quickly. I know you understand and it helps. Please sleep well. I had a lot of disjointed dreams last night which maybe contributed to the pain of waking. I don't know. I think today I need to get my journal out and talk to Pete and share how I feel. It may help. But what helps the most is having this forum. Thanks. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Jan dear, I am hearing you. Sleepless nights seem to catch all of us off guard. I am with you in your pain. I think it is a very good thing to get your journal out and talk to Pete. We know they are with us always. They know what we are thinking and I think it is good to put it down on paper. Dreams can be disturbing and wonderful at the same time. Remember, our imaginations are a wonderful thing. We can bring our loved ones into them whenever we want. We are still in the infancy of our grief. Both of us not quite nine months now. But look how time has passed and even though it may seem that we have not moved - we have. My hope is that you and I will be in a place where we can say what Mary says - that in time the pain gets further apart. We will always have that small hole in our hearts that will never close. Others know this and don't try to pretend that it is not so. We all climb (and slip at times) together because we are not alone on this forum. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Hello Jan...just a note to say I understand your anguish, too. It has been a little over two years for me and I still struggle as well. Take care. Marietta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Dear Jan, It does get a little easier. It has been a year and 11 days, and some nights I sleep 3 or 4 hours straight now. I must have been listening with some part of me to you and Mary, though, because I was up wandering around about the time you two were posting. Half-waking and not finding Doug there often brings me entirely awake. Jan, the healing is happening, but it is very gradual, and the progress is not at all even. Some days, I think I can go on, and other days I wonder if there is any reason to brush my teeth. But when I am up, and can come here and find some solace and sharing, it really helps. Soon, though, I hope you will find that sleep is a more comforting place, and that your nights will have more rest and less restlessness. After a year of being in a fog of grief, there are times on some days when I see a little blue sky now. I hope you know how much we all are walking with you through this. Waking up and leaving the comfort of sleep to come back to the reality of loss can be one of the hardest parts of each day. And while the loss is hard to bear, sometimes there will be moments of peace. For now, I hope you find some moments of peace, and that you can take come comfort in those times. Writing to Pete is a good idea. I hope your day is peaceful. It will get a little easier. (Marty, thank you so much for your posts below. The concept that we are setting a new benchmark helped a lot. I do know there is a reason to hope: I am still here. And I love the Thought Sculptor one, too. ) *<twinkles>* feralfae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Dear Ones, having read through this thread this morning, I just stumbled upon the following article ~ and I am struck by its relevance here. I invite you to read it too: Hope: How to Find It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted February 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Yes Marty. I have just read it and its very relevant. I am struggling because without Pete my life seems pointless. Without hope. I have to find a point for being me. I am finding that almost impossible but I know I am valued by others. I dont seem to value myself though. I will read and re-read it as I think there is wisdom there for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Bless your precious heart, dear Jan. I know you are struggling, but you are making forward progress ~ and my prayer for you is that you will have patience with your own process. Easier said than done, I know ~ but we are here beside you. ♥ Here is another thought-provoking piece that seems to fit here: You Are a Thought Sculptor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 And then there is this: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Beautiful, Marty. That brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for the other links also. Good reading material for us. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 18, 2013 Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 I like the article on hope... esp to remember "the feelings of negativity will pass." I have often used the perspective of "I got through (blank) and I will get through this too." Yes, sometimes the barometer is reset (such as when George died) but it is important to hold out some kind of hope, even if it is the unknown possibilities of the future...the not knowing what but knowing something good CAN happen. I don't think I've ever struggled as much as I have lately with it. Knowing the condition of our country, our world, the bleakness of the way things are transpiring doesn't hold a lot of hope for America. To face that at the same time as I am entering "senior" status...to read if my job is cut, no one wants Baby boomers, to know that half of all office jobs are gone, to know employers want the young with the college degrees and they pay them less too...doesn't give a very bright future of survival. To see my home aging...it surely feels in the same status as I do! It is when I am feeling this way that I look at my dog...and even though I know our days are numbered, I force myself into the "now" and ENJOY what I have with him today! I know when his time comes to go, I will have to find yet something else to connect to and live for. All that would be a lot of pressure on a human, but a dog doesn't worry about it, they always stay in the now, which is why they're so good for us! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted February 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 Oh thank you everyone. It's almost ten at night here. I have had my dear neighbour Sandra round. And tomorrow, for the first time since Pete died, my nephew and family are coming to stay for four days. I am dreading it as I know I shall lose all my composure and cry and sob but I also know that they are the right people to sob with. They loved Pete as they love me. Marty, thank you for the second link. I'm goi g to look at it now. I know I am not alone when I have HOV to give virtual hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted February 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2013 I've read it and it resonates with me as I know that ultimately everything is in my head. And I do have some control over my thoughts. I am going to ponder over this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 Oh thank you everyone. It's almost ten at night here. I have had my dear neighbour Sandra round. And tomorrow, for the first time since Pete died, my nephew and family are coming to stay for four days. I am dreading it as I know I shall lose all my composure and cry and sob but I also know that they are the right people to sob with. They loved Pete as they love me. Marty, thank you for the second link. I'm goi g to look at it now. I know I am not alone when I have HOV to give virtual hugs. Jan, I am so glad your nephew et al are coming and that these are family who will probably allow you to cry and sob...I hope you do. I will be thinking of you as you spend time with the. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 I don't think I've ever struggled as much as I have lately with it. Knowing the condition of our country, our world, the bleakness of the way things are transpiring doesn't hold a lot of hope for America. ....It is when I am feeling this way that I look at my dog...and even though I know our days are numbered, I force myself into the "now" and ENJOY what I have with him today! Kay, I am so sorry you are struggling. It is, indeed, a tough chapter in our history. I do believe however that chaos precedes healing and our country will come out the other side of this, not sure when, stronger just as we who grieve come out of it stronger. And yes, we both know that living in the now is it...no options there. I look ahead and know that Bentley probably has 3-5 years left and if I look at that...well...I just can't and shouldn't. I know it will happen and I know I will survive....as I grieve and cry...as will you. I wish you peace, my friend, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 Dear Kay and Mary, I don't remember who wrote that when things are in chaos, it means that there is a shift going on in the patterns appearing chaotic, and that it is often some new ideas, concepts, or levels of awareness working their way together, into existence, or manifesting in new ways. ... and I was just going to write this about our country, when I realized it applies to us as well. We are in chaos, and I am not sure we can see much beyond that chaos. It all becomes part of the same shift, as you said, Kay. And, Mary, your words about coming out stronger. If we have a choice, and I think we do, I choose to come out stronger. No options, for sure. Yes, we will survive. Much Love and a good evening, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumkin Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 Dear Jan, I am so happy that your nephew and family are coming to spend time with you. You can let all your emotions out, cry and talk about Pete. That will be healing for you. You're at nine months through this journey, and still, waking up without your Pete is so difficult. Today at 9:30 a.m. was six months when I found my Marco laying in my driveway. Day after day I'd tell myself I don't want to go on, but when I found this caring HOV family that's when I found hope to go on. Tears just come flowing now because I am ever so grateful for all of you. I called my daughter today to let her know it was six months since I lost Marco. It's now 7:30 p.m. and she never called me back to see how I was doing. But I know I'm safe to come here and be with all of you who understand. You're all in my prayers. Sleep with the Angels. Dear Marty, Thank you so much for "Thought of You" that really reached out to my soul. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 You are so very welcome, dear pumkin ~ it touched me too. I hope you hear from your daughter tonight ~ but even if you don't, please know that we are here for you, and you are being thought of tonight ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 Dear Pumkin, I wanted to be here tonight in case you showed up again. I hope you have heard from your daughter by now. No matter what, we are here for you, and holding you in our hearts. Six months is not a long time to begin to feel any discernible relief from the grief and all the roller-coaster emotions that go along with it. Slowly, it will get a little easier. You are healing, even if you cannot feel it yet. I imagine that you are having a lot of flashbacks to finding Marco, and even experiencing the same feelings of panic and loss, of confusion and fear. I know I still do. But dear one, these feelings are part of the grief you have, and are not who you are. Underneath all this grief, you are still there, a wonderful and loving, brave and caring woman. In your heart, you hold ten thousand happy memories, and I hope you can find one to cherish this night, and hold it as you go to sleep, feeling that time of happiness and love. Just know that this night, many of us are holding your in our hearts, sending special prayers for you, and hoping that tomorrow will be a little easier for you. Peace, comfort, and a few hours of calm sleep for you tonight is my wish for you right now. {{{hugs}}} and of course, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annette85035 Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 I could describe it as thinking you had a bad dream-but then realizing it wasn't a bad dream that it really happened and relieving that horrible time again But then you force yourself out of bed to do what chores or work etc that needs to be done..we keep on living until we can enjoy doing so again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 Jan, I'm glad you will have visitors...try not to worry about crying in front of them, they're family, they should understand. When are they coming? Pumkin, I'm sorry your daughter didn't get back to you. My daughter never answers the phone to me and doesn't have voicemail and doesn't call me back, even though she can see I've tried her. I've had to let go of that as I can't change it. She always says she's just been busy, but I don't see how she can be too busy for her mom. Anyway, I know it hurts, and I just want to say that she probably doesn't have a clue how it feels, until you go through it yourself, there's no way you can begin to understand. Just know that we are all here together and will be here for you and usually someone is on line since we're spread throughout the world...if not, they will soon be. (((hugs))) Six months is one of the more difficult periods as reality sets in and shock wears off and everyone's gone back to their lives and left you with the bits and pieces of yours. Hang in there, it will get better, it won't stay exactly as it is now, we do eventually adjust and get more adept and coping with the changes our loss has brought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted February 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2013 Dear friends I am finding much comfort from having my nephew, his wife and two girls. I've been able to really express my grief and they have helped me already. This is the first time really, apart from my dear neighbour Sandra. Yes Kay, I have cried with them. They leave on Friday so I have them a bit longer. Jan Sent from my iPad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted February 21, 2013 Report Share Posted February 21, 2013 Oh, Jan, Dear, That is wonderful! I am truly glad you have some comfort, company, compassion, and love from family there with you. How wonderful that they are there, and with open hearts. I am truly happy they are helping you and that you have them a few more days. Loving family to share the burden of grief helps a lot, I have found. I know this will be a healing visit for all of you. Blessings! Oh, wait, you have four *<angels>* right there around you. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted February 21, 2013 Report Share Posted February 21, 2013 Jan, I am so very glad this visit has comforted you. I know you so needed to share your feelings and tears and stories about Pete with family. What a wonderful, wonderful thing to have happened and you were able to let them love you. So glad for you. Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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