I Miss My Dave

[Jn715]

My Dave died February 7 2013 and I miss him so much all I can think is I just want him back, I just want him back.

[kayc]

Jn715,

I am so sorry you lost your Dave, just six weeks ago. You are not alone, all of us miss our husbands and wish we could have them back, no matter how much time passes. I hope you will continue to come here and feel free to voice yourself, it helps to get it out instead of bottling it up and this is a safe place to be.

[enna]

My sympathy is with you. So, so many of us repeat the same phrase "I just want him back" over and over again. We are all here for you when you want to be here. My beloved Jim passed away ten months ago on the 25th and I am still crying "I want you back." Anne

[Jn715]

Nothing seems the same. I cry every day. I don't feel like doing anything. When will this awful pain start to ease a little. I can't seem to talk about Dave without crying. I am going to grief counseling and starting group grief counseling in April. I'm on meds but they take time to kick. The sadness is overwhelming at times. I feel lost.

[mfh]

Dear Jn715

I do know this pain as does everyone in this forum. The crying is normal and is healing. You have probably never experienced anything close to the gut wrenching pain you feel right now. I surely had not. And it is shocking how much pain there is when we lose the love of our lives. I am so sorry. It is not a short journey but does ease up. I will be honoring the 3rd anniversary of my husband's death this coming Wednesday and yes the pain is still there but nothing like it was early on. Grief is different for everyone but in general the pain gets a bit easier to carry over time. We are all here for you and with you. We know what this feels like and my experience tells me it is the rare person who has not lost a husband/partner who can comprehend the pain. So we all turn to each other, support each other, and walk the journey to healing. It takes as long as it takes. I am very relieved to know you will see a grief counselor and be in a support group. I found both of those quite helpful to me when Bill died. I found this group to be beyond helpful...no words to explain how good it has been for me and I know others feel that way also. Keep coming back as often as you wish and we will walk the path with you. Peace to your heart in the midst of your pain, Mary

[Queeniemary]

Dear Jn715, I am so very sorry for your loss, and that you had to join us on this journey. The first few months are the worst, so I know you are going through so much right now. My husband died in January, 2010. You will find lots of support and comfort on this site, I know that I have. Take care of your self, try to get enought sleep, and eat. Those things don't sound important, but they are, and the better physically you can be, you need all the strength to cope with your life right now.

Thinking of you, and praying for strength and peace.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Dear Jn715,

I am so sorry for your loss. I hold you close in my Heart, dear friend.

I hear your pain and feel it with you. Your Dave left one year to the day after my Doug left. The first months, I was numb, in shock, and walked around our home and our land, looking for him, knowing he could not really be gone, and that somehow, he would come back. I could not believe our life had ended and that he would no longer be there to hug me, to hold my hand, to talk with me, to share prayers before we ate, and to smile at me with those amazing, twinkling blue eyes of his.

I could not take his bathrobe down from the hook. I could not throw out the medicines, because in our life, he might need them again. I still washed his tea mug every day, just in case. I laundered and folded his things, and put them away in his dresser. I had a lot of distractions, taking care of paperwork and things, but every day, I would look for Doug. I lived in a fog of loss and longing, still believing that it was all a mistake. That went on for some time, even after I started grief counseling. The first few months were just a fog of grief and loss, punctuated by longing so painful that it took many friends and counselors to convince me to stay here and not follow Doug.

It has only been since finding this healing place that I have come to more peace and acceptance, and it has not been that long ago that I came here. All our journeys are very different, but have common components, because we all find this place. We each need a lot of solace for our broken hearts.

I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone here will help you on this journey. This is a very safe and loving place. I am not here much right now, because my Goddaughter is having some medical problems, and I am spending a lot of time with her and her family as this problem gets sorted out. But I will be watching for you, and try to post here when I can.

I send you peace, and love, and compassion, and again, I am so very, very sorry that you are going through this, and that your darling Dave is no longer there to comfort and hold you. We will do our best to help you find your way.

Blessings, Much Love, and {{{hugs}}}

feralfae

[Jn715]

Today is a bad day. I can't seem to get a handle on things. I am so lonely for Dave and can't seem to stop crying. My heart hurts so bad and I miss him so much. I can't see any future today without him. Life is cruel.

[pumkin]

DearJn715,

I am truly so very sorry for your loss of Dave. And you are so right in feeling the way you do. I lost my love seven moths ago and still look for him. I'm very slowly coming out of that fog you spoke of. We're all here with you and share your pain on this journey. By coming here often and going to a support group & grief counselor, I pray you will be able to get through it. All of the people here are so supportive and non-judgemental. This is a very safe place. Crying helps a lot. Do take good care of yourself.

Pumkin in Phoenix

[kayc]

Yes life feels very cruel sometimes, very unfair. I am sorry for what you are going through...we've all been there and know how tough it is. I understand your feeling like there is no future without him, your future is greatly altered, that is for sure. It helped me a lot to try and stay in the present and not think about the whole future looming out there, that was just too much to take on, even now, years later, I try not to go there. As pumkin said, it does help to get these emotions out and expressed, tears help. It also helps to take as good a care of yourself as you can...a healthy body helps one's state of mind as much as it possibly can. I hope you have someone nearby...a son or daughter, a friend, someone.

[ANC1117]

Dear Jn715,

I am sorry for your loss. It took me almost 8 months to find this site and once I did, my real healing began. My Celene passed 16 months ago and I continue to feel her absence in my life. I remember the first few months and can relate to your pain, as all of us here can. You will find that all of us here share our own experiences and you will find that very helpful in your time healing. Please be sure to take care of yourself and keep in mind that you are in all of our thoughts.

Prayers and compassion,

Anthony

[kayc]

Anthony, good to hear from you, have been wondering about you (your absence).

[maf]

It has been a very rough road thus far; my husband of 51 plus years died in January, and the loss is unfathomable.

Seems unreal..cannot believe he isn't ever coming back to the wonderful life we shared for so long. My tears flow

daily, our dogs are grieving, and now how am I supposed to live without him???

Hospice suggected coming here to find some level of comfort knowing that all of you have walked in my shoes.

In June our family will spread ashes; maybe that will bring more closure somehow.

Thanks for listening.

[kayc]

maf,

I am very sorry for your loss. 51 is a very long time to spend with someone, I can understand it has to be very hard to fathom them not getting up and smiling across from the table from you again. I'm glad hospice suggested this site, there are a lot of people who have walked in your shoes here and we do understand how hard it is. One of the best things I learned here was to try not to think about "the rest of my life" and instead try to stay in today...today is enough. I am sorry your dogs are grieving too, but I am glad that you have each other to help you through this. There are a number of dog lovers here and we have found them to be a great measure of comfort and incentive in our lives. I hope you will continue to come here and read and post. It does help to "let it out" and tell what you are feeling...to keep it bottled up is just too hard.

This is a very non-judgmental, understanding place and I hope you will find the love and comfort I have found here.

You are welcome to tell us about your husband...what you love and miss about him, what the two of you loved to do together. Do you have children nearby? I don't know what part of the world you live in...I am from Oregon, we have some from Phoenix, Montana, Canada, Greece, just everywhere.

[feralfae]

Dear maf,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad you found us here. You had an entire lifetime together, in so many ways, and those habits of being together are a part of your very heartbeat. I am so sorry.

This is such a terribly painful and difficult time, and there are no words I have learned yet to soften the sense of loss and aloneness. It hurts everywhere.

One of the best things I learned from my Mother-in-Law, when Doug left, was to find one thing to be thankful each morning, and think about it for one minute. Then write it down. (One day it was that I had hot water to shower; one day it was that there was enough firewood; one day it was that I was able to start the car, even if I wasn't ready to try to drive again yet.)

Then, before going to sleep, Estelle said to look at the piece of paper, spend another minute, then put it in a tray with all the other notes. She said to let her know if I ever ran out of at least one thing to be thankful for each day those first several months. She had done the same when Dad left. She learned it from a friend. So, every day, between the tears, I'd try to think of one thing, so in case Estelle called, I could tell her what was on the note paper today. She often did call and ask. It was her game with me.

After a while, I began to smile, thinking of absolutely zinger things to be thankful for to tell her: I found my lost sock; I made three snowballs and threw them at a tree; I got off heart medication. It was a great game for me, and has helped me come back to life, little by little. It was the one point of constancy each day: I had to do it for Estelle, in case she called and asked. It gave me a reason to go on: I had to write that note each day. She was 98, how could I let her down?

Things get easier. You are no doubt still in a fog of grief. I hope you can honor that in yourself, and give yourself all the support and help you need.

You can fill a bowl with notes and more notes. Letters, too. Sometimes, I go back and look at those early, tear-stained notes, and I am comforted to see how far I have come in being in Life again. I am not all the way there, but it is happening. Many of my notes were being thankful for Doug's love.

I live in Montana, not that far from Kay in Oregon, and we are both country mice. I am glad you found us. You might want to start your own thread, and have a place of your own to tell your story. I lost Doug a year ago February 7. Some days are pretty calm, all days are good, some days feel as empty as a year ago, but not as deeply painful as then. I am smiling now sometimes, thinking of Doug. I am remembering my appointments, and can drive again. I am taking better care of myself. I am shopping for myself again. It all takes time. And really, just take it one day at a time. If that is too overwhelming, just take it one morning, one afternoon at a time. Some days, I took it one hour at a time.

Be compassionate with yourself. Go gently with yourself. Give your self all the time you need to grieve, cry, and be in the feelings that are right for you this hour.

I send blessings and much love. I am so sorry you have had this loss. I hope you have family and good friends close by. And we will be here for you, sharing this journey with you. You are not alone.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

And on that note: MAF, and JN715 -- both of you begin today to take very good care of you, physically, medically, emotionally, in all ways. We will be watching and listening. Marty is here to help and she has exceptionally good information to share. There is a lot of good reading on taking care of yourself.

I am so sorry that you are here, both of you. I hope you find some solace and comfort here on this journey.

[Jn715]

It seems I lost my job today. Apparently I am not supposed to show any emotion at work. I was faxing documents to the insurance company and I got a little teary eyed as I do when dealing with anything regarding my beloved Dave. My boss told me to go home and I told her give me a few minutes and I would be fine. Words were exchanged and I left. I can not guarantee that something will no set me off and I may cry. I miss Dave so much and can not control when I might cry. I have been able to control my emotions pretty well since I went back to work three weeks ago. I work 3 hours a day, but as soon as I walk out the door the tears come again. I come home to nothing and cry. Sometimes I think and wish I was the one who should have died.

[kayc]

Jan715,

Wow, I can't believe anyone would be that cold-hearted! I hope l they rethink their decision, but even so, you should be able to get unemployment, no one can be expected to not cry sometimes when they lose their husband! It hasn't even been that long for you!

You are right in that it is harder to be the one left here than the one who got to die. You have my sympathy and support.

[feralfae]

Jn715,

I don't think crying is grounds for dismissal, or even a reprimand. But I second what Kay said. I am so sorry you do not have more emotional support at work.

Please be with us here through your grief and sorrow. We will all try to help you along on this journey. I am holding you in prayer and love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

My dear Jn,

Based on what you've said in your post, I'm not clear about whether you've actually been let go from your employment, but if this incident has indeed caused you to lose your job, your boss is woefully uninformed.

I don't know if you have the energy ~ or even the interest ~ to stand up for yourself enough to persuade your boss to change his or her mind ~ but if you decide to do so, you may find these articles helpful ~ at the very least, they can help you to explain to your boss what's going on with you, and what s/he could do to support you more effectively. Maybe you could print out one or two of them and give them to your boss to read:

The Bereaved Employee: Returning to Work (Article by Helen Fitzgerald)

I'm Grieving And I'm At Work (Article from The Last Post Blog)

Creating a Grief-Friendly Workplace (Article by Jane Galbraith)

Grief in the Workplace (Article by Alisha Krukowski)

Grief Goes to Work, Part I (Article by Patrick T. Malone)

Grief Goes to Work, Part II (Article by Patrick T. Malone)

Helping Executives Deal with Grief (Video with Brenda Marshall)

[kayc]

I'm glad you linked those articles, Marty, it just seems to me it should not be grounds for dismissal...I'm not sure it's legal. Unfortunately, when I lost George and when many here lost their spouses, I think the last thing we felt up to was a fight, we just felt depleted, overwhelmed, vulnerable, etc. LATER I grew quite a backbone, but at first...oh gosh, it was just a muddle.

[Nemo]

I'm so sorry about your loss of Dave and I can so understand what you are feeling at this time. I also give my feelings of sorrow to Maf. I lost my Jim Oct 31, 2011 due to Alzheimer's. It was horrible to watch him lose his mind bit by bit and not even know who I was or our three children. I can remember thinking I didn't want him to live because he was getting to the point of not being able to swallow, couldn't walk etc. When he died there was some relief for him and for me too in watching him lose himself. But shortly after those bad thoughts of the suffering left and I would only remember the good things about him. Actually, this made the grieving much harder but at least it brought him back to my memory the way he really was. We were married 52 years and being single is such a new way of life for me. I just can't hardly stand it without him but there is some healing too. I can't say when it will get better because we will never forget them but I want to be able to embrace life again and the second year has been difficult. I know it was several months before I could sleep more than 2 hours at a time without waking and thinking about him. It's just the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life.

It's like half of you is gone and I really think that is true because we have lost half of our idenity in who we are. I'm no longer Jim's wife, now I'm just me alone. It's important to try to go on with something that will help keep me busy and movitvated too. For me, it's important to be around other people and I have some good friends whom I can let down with and let my emotions show.

I just want you to know I understand what you are feeling and no words can make it go away but it does mean so much to know you aren't alone in your grieving. What you are feeling is what we've all been through and I am still grieving after 18 months but it's in a different way. I am new here but I already am feeling better reading these posts. Bless you.

[kayc]

Nemo,

I'm sorry about your loss. I am losing my mom to Dementia too, she has Lewy Bodies. It is indeed a hard thing to go through. There are some others here that lost their spouses to Alzheimer's as well. Welcome to this board, I hope you find some solace, knowing you are not alone in what you're going through.