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Let me first say hello to everyone here. It's been a while since I last posted. I get updates from time to time via e-mail, but haven't spent much time reading forum posts.

It's now 2 years and 8 months since I lost my husband to cancer, and life is still difficult - but not as difficult as it used to be. Not so many tears. And I'm far more independent. I am managing okay. The grief is not as deep and desperate, apart from the occasional aftershock - even after this long. I feel a little more empty and apathetic than anything else. But again, I'm okay.

In just a few months, all four of my sons will be living abroad - studying or working, two of them are married and one is living with his girlfriend. They've got busy lives, and I'll be stuck here, alone in a country that wasn't even mine to begin with. I still don't have many friends. It's hard to be social - easier to be alone. So I spend my days working, walking the dog and sleeping. I have two jobs - so I can afford to travel and see my "foreign" sons. Travel is really the only thing I look forward to. My goal is to one day have enough drive to sell this house and move, and enough money to leave the country - maybe go back home, or at least live near one or two of my sons.

But back to SIGNS/MESSAGES:

I experienced something strange today and shared it with Mary. I'm wondering if it might be a message. Before I lost my husband I did not believe in signs, messages from the deceased - or the afterlife for that matter. But after losing him, I have longed for something I could interpret as a sign. And I've had a few - but all could probably be explained very rationally indeed.

Today I had a patient in for a cognitive assessment. I don't want to write too much about the person (patient confidentiality). Suffice to say that this person had learning disabilities and other cognitive and physical impairments. Since she had trouble walking, I took it upon myself to drive her to the bus station, something I don't normally do.

When we arrived, she turned to me and said that she had the ability to "see" things. I asked her what kinds of things, and she said she could "see" the troubles of other people, that she just "knew" about them. I was thinking "yeah, right", but for some reason - I don't know why - I asked her if she thought she "knew" anything about me. She then said that she could see I had lost someone I loved a lot. Then she said that it was okay, that he was with me all the time, and that it was time for me to let go.

I was stunned for a moment, but thanked her and she went off to take the bus. I've been thinking about it all afternoon and evening. Was this a message? Or did she know how to "play" people- the way all those "mediums" do. I don't trust mediums or psychics. I mean, almost everyone has lost someone, but what possible reason could she have to pretend to "know" something about me? And she has major learning/intellectual disabilities - so would she even have the ability to "trick" me this way?

I'm guessing there is a very rational, reasonable explanation. But at the same time - I would love for this to be a message. What do you guys think? Do you believe in such things? Has anyone else experienced what they believe to be a message?

Melina

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Melina, it was so lovely to touch base via email today. I am so glad you wrote. I am also glad you posted here to get more feedback than mine. As I said, I do believe there are no accidents and that this woman was an angel in your life giving you a message that you needed to hear. I also do believe that her statement to let go might mean (imho) to just not let grief control our lives any longer.

I hope soon you can gather what you need energy and motivation wise and move if that is what still appeals to you. I know you have talked about moving back to the USA...in the meantime with those kids scattered you have some more nice trips coming up....Australia was only the beginning. :)

Keep in touch,

Mary

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Melina, my dear, how lovely to hear from you again, and how good to know that you are managing.

I found your story to be utterly fascinating, and for what it's worth, here is what I think. There is so much more about the universe in general, and the human brain in particular, that we have yet to discover. Some people, like your client, are different from most folks ~ impaired in certain ways, but gifted in other ways that are mysterious and way beyond our understanding. It seems to me that what this woman "saw" about you was genuine and remarkably accurate and, if I were you, I would embrace it as the special message it was meant to be. What have you got to lose? What would happen if you let it bring you comfort, even a cause for celebration?

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Melina,

It's good to hear from you again. And I too hope you can realize your dream of one day moving to be near your boys...I kind of hope someday I can do that too, when I have grandkids and am too old to manage alone.

I think some people are extra sensitive enough that they ARE tuned in to other people's pain, etc. "Gift" is one way to put it. Maybe most of us are too busy or wrapped up in our worlds to notice things, but I do believe there are some that pick up on things that the rest of us don't. Like Marty says, there is so much more to the universe that we realize!

How could this woman possibly know these things if she did not have some special kind of gift? I don't believe everyone who says these things is a Charlatan.

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Melina, It's good to hear your doing OK...Signs and messages are a very active part of my life, never knowing when they will happen keeps me on edge at times but provides a comfort that's like no other. Just last night I stopped in at the gym for a late night workout after a stressful day...I attend a gym that's open 24/5 so when I work late I can stop on the way home grab a superset workout then a quick tan for 10 minutes. Last night was a moving night as I received a "sign" from Ruth in the form of another penny from heaven, I had just finished a superset and was walking around the gym for cool down before starting my next set. I had walked the same path 3 times cooling down and planning my next set when on the 4th round I came upon a beautiful shinny 2005 penny, not tarnished or worn as it should have been being of that age, now keep in mind this is 1am in the morning with no one in the gym but myself and the staff of one. I had walked this path 3 times with no sign of this penny but on the 4th it appeared, upon reaching down and picking it up I was comforted with the cool breeze that most often follows these signs as if something is passing me or blowing by me. I was taken back a moment and let the tears flow down my cheeks as I gave thanks and said "hello sweetheart glad you stopped by" see 2005 was the year I moved in with Ruth after dating her for some time... I have these signs and messages on a normal basis but I have yet to figure out what triggers them and frankly it really does not matter as I welcome them with open arms except when I receive a message or feeling of sadness or negative energy which happens at times, when that happens I share the thoughts with friends or my children to discuss what may be happening. So in short some of us are truly somehow "in touch" with the other side, I have always had this sense but it has not ever been as strong as it is since Ruth's passing. We are powerful bodies of energy we just need to tap the resources we have been given and enjoy them the best we can. Take Care and Peace Be With You Nats

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Melina, so good to hear from you, and to know that you are managing well. I truly do believe in signs and messages. I think most of mine come in dream form, however there have been one or two times that I have truly felt that Mike was letting me know he was near. One time in particular....we have a cow bell hanging on our back porch. It rarely rings, has to be really windy for it to move the bell. I was on the porch months ago, and suddenly the bell was swinging slowly and ringing.....there was not even a breeze. I think Mike was just letting me know he was there. I think you should just embrace what the person said to you, and enjoy the feeling that your husband is near.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Queeniemary,

I need a "like" button here! So glad you experienced that!

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It is nice to know others have this going on. I never know when I will get a sign from Doug, whether in a dream or a chime ringing, or an owl perched on the railing, emails, notes found, necklaces, so many things. I have been keeping a journal since prior to Doug leaving, and it just keeps going with so many miracles happening almost every day.

Talking about this ongoing experience of ours is a point that brings me to feeling frighteningly vulnerable for me yet, so I will just be happy being comforted by the openness and power of love that I witness here in this Tribe.

Must go get these desk kinks out with some stretching.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Hello Everyone,

Seems the spirits are indeed active right now for some reason, maybe the passing of Easter and what it means to many of us? Maybe the spring season? Whatever the reason I would imagine all of us welcome these "signs or messages" that we receive. I say active now as when speaking to Brenda this evening to tell her good night and share our day she mentioned that after vacuuming her spare bed room this evening and leaving the room she heard a clanging noise, upon returning to the room she saw the ceiling fan chains swaying making the noise and the fan was tilted...this fan is hung above the spare bed and the room has high ceiling's, Brenda is small and could not have bumped or even came close to the fan while cleaning...her Husband passed in 2009 a few months prior to Ruth's passing...she as well as I welcome the visits and we share our "common bond" of the passing of a spouse, and allow those lives to be separate from our new life together but we view these visits as our spouses almost being happy we have found what we have found...happiness, love and companionship once again yet still remembering our dear departed....and allowing them to still be part of our lives even tough they are not present here in the physical sense...

"May We All Have That Special Message Or Sign"

NATS

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Nats, Wow, I have not experienced anything like that...maybe George needs to resort to something more drastic to get my attention!

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When I began to hear from Doug the night he had left, I was scared, and thought I was losing my mind. I talked with my several grief counselors about it, though, and all told me that it was normal and a shared phenomenon. Because Doug had left a lot of clues and had told me many things prior to leaving, I decided to watch and wait.

Sure enough, the things he said would happen keep happening. He even gave dates and places. By now, I live with curious and excited expectations to see what will happen on the next dates he left for me to be pay attention. My counselors, friends, some of our shared friends, and others know about these happenings, but I am still adjusting to the acceptance of L*ve so strong and determined and focused that he can reach out and make contact through this membrane of illusion which we commonly accept in our Western culture. I am on journal #4 now, and still amazed and struck with awe sometimes. Doug left dates to be watchful, and it never fails that there is some unique, unusual, improbable circumstance that cannot be called coincidence.

I just dwell here, witnessing and chronicling all of these miracles and manifestations, checking in with people to be sure my sanity is not slipping, and being in awe and gratitude to witness these gifts from our Creator and my husband. Doug was a focused, determined, centered, impeccable man, and he said these things would happen, and they are happening. A friend wants to make a film about it all. I am not ready for that yet. Maybe sometime in the future.

Blessings to everyone,

*<twinkles>*

fae

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I, too, wish I could have had something like that from George...I wish he'd bonked me on the head when I was thinking of marrying John!

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Oh, dear Kay,

I wish George had bonked you on the head as well! But then again, you learned some things from it, and so maybe things work out all right.

Dear Jan,

The below are not in chronological order, but just as I thought of them.

An hour or so after Doug left, while we were waiting for the Hospice people, I was sitting with Doug's abandoned body for a while, smoothing his hair and stroking his hand, although I knew he was gone, because I was with him when he left. A great horned own came and flew against one of our bedroom windows, beating its wings on the panes. Because it was damp out, the owl wings left prints on the window. We have photos of them, but I will have them washed off when the windows get cleaned later this month. Many people have seen them there. Doug had told me he would hang around for a while, and I would know it was he, so do not fear his leaving. There he was, being an owl for a little while. Other people were also visited by owls that night, even if only hearing the owls calling. Doug was an ornithologist, and his primary studies were owls and raptors. The owl had been around a few days, but it had never flown into a window or come close to the house until after Doug left.

Doug told me to watch out the front door on 12 December last year. 12-12-12. I kept checking and that afternoon, an adorable pygmy owl came and stayed on the entry deck railing for a couple of hours, looking at me, preening, strutting back and forth. That has never happened before or since. We had a nice talk. :)

When I was going to walk out into the forests of March in Alaska last year, and planned fall asleep under an old birch tree, and leave my body, Doug sent a message through his "kid sis" (spirit family) and she was so upset, she was almost shouting that Doug had told her to tell me RIGHT NOW!! to Stay in My Body! She was visibly upset and crying. I had not told anyone my plans to walk into the forest, but I was in deep grief, had been attacked by the blood family, and was in severe pain from the cauda equina, even with the pain mediations, of which I was overdosing daily. All I wanted to do was join Doug, although he had told me not to do so before he left. I am not the most obedient wife. :) Maybe the most stubborn. :)

Two weeks after Doug left, one of our dear friends in South Carolina had a dream where Doug was talking to me and she was watching us. She emailed what she had heard, and although she had not a clue, it made perfect sense to me and others who were here. Such messages come frequently, and when I have something on my mind, I pay attention to comments from friends. They often preface their remark by saying, "If Doug were here, he would say..." and they may know nothing about what is going on, but it happens and the message fits perfectly.

I already wrote about the feather on the pink rock, and Doug leaving the pink rock on one side of the house, and the raven feather on the other side of the house, but I did not recognize the match until I came home from surgery because I was in so much pain before.

There is a lot more. Out of nowhere, I open my computer, and some site will come up that has a message for me. People whom we had not heard from for years will call, because they had a dream about Doug, and wanted to call and talk. Some have not known Doug was gone, but all of them had things to tell me. Doug left a lot of notes, and I am sort of walking through them in my life, trying to recognize situations where I am to do things, and also, just plain old praying and asking for help and to be shown my path. The answers come, often in dreams, very clear and easily understood. Once, Doug was writing to me on a blackboard.

Something precious of Doug's was missing, and I asked him to show me where it was. A few days later, I walked in to our bedroom, and it was there on the bed. Things like this have happened many times. I sort of expect things like this now, not that I am getting accustomed to these happenings at all. Many friends know about these events, some have been here for some of the events, or were directly involved.

I asked Doug for a sign on 7 February, the first anniversary of his leaving, that our Ultimate Plan was still in place, and thought I would see another owl on the deck railing. Instead, the diamond necklace arrived on that exact day. HUGE. Emphatic!

Whew!

There is yet more, but I am not sure how much I am supposed to be sharing yet, so as soon as I feel a nudge, which I just did feel, I stop writing these days. No use having more pages disappear! :) I swear it was because I "came out of the closet" with a post about Alexandria, and wondered at the time if I should do so, had a nagging sense, but thought, "why not?" Well, Doug was telling me to observe our privacy rules for a while yet, I guess. It certainly felt that way. So, sometime, I will figure out how to post it here, rather than a link to one of my soapboxes. :)

There is so much more. I guess it will continue to unfold as time goes by.

I don't know if these instances resonate with anyone else's experiences, but these are a few of the less significant events that have happened these last 14 months.

And I check in with lots of people to do reality checks fairly often. There are several people following all of these events, many very close friends who loved Doug and me, and some of them my counselors and healers. I'll post more as I feel free to do so, and that is not a teaser, but rather, a promise to share more when I feel comfortable doing so.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Thank you Fae. Your lovely post is a reminder to me to be open to anything which might come from Pete. I talk to him all the time and sometimes I feel him near. We used to do the I Ching and yesterday I decided to use it again. I couldn't find our Richard Wilhelm book and our three silver coins so I downloaded an app from the Internet. I think the I Ching is a useful way of tapping into one's mind (and maybe one's beloved one's too).

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Hi Jan,

First of all, I read your post about going through Pete's emails and listening to Mahler. I second everything Marty said, and wanted to add that as you grow more able to feel yourself as a whole and unique person again -- something I am only beginning to do with much regularity -- your grief will let you know when you need to sit with it and cry or remember. And I liked what Marty had to say about dosing. I know I could not handle the pain all at once, and could only take it in small bits for a long time.

Even now, there are days when I hide in work or projects, and try to put the feelings of loss aside so I can do other things, but I always promise myself that I will attend to my grief later in the day, and I try to sit and meditate every day, as well as come here and visit, share, and allow myself to be with the grief.

Jean Shinoda Bolen wrote a book on the i Ching and Synchronicity. I "loaned" our copy to someone and have not seen it since. :) Sorry I do not remember the title. We know so little about the energies of this existence, how they work, or what is available to us. There is a beautiful application on line which has both the I Ching and daily affirmations, here: http://www.compassionatedragon.com/home.html

which I like.

Jan, it took a long time after Doug left for me to admit that the things that keep happening were not my own insanity from such overwhelming grief. Even though we had many talks about afterlife, the power of L*ve, and our plans, and even though I heard his discussions with those whom I can only call the Angels, I got treated so terribly by his family when he left that I was no longer able to believe. I was just too hurt and angry. But things kept happening, anyway.

I remember the night I was doing a long meditation, trying to reconcile the things that were happening with my concepts of creation, and a light went on: spirits have free will, absolute free will. Those rules we are taught in western religions, but not by Prophets, are simply human-invented rules to allow some people to control others. Believe what makes your heart sing.

When you are more healed, and have washed away more of the grief in your heart with the tears of your love, I think you will be able to sit quietly, and probably you will find the heart connection will settle down, grow stronger, and fill you with peace and love again. I don't know how it will work for you, but it worked for me that way. I still have days that are simply shattered by the pain of loss, but when I can sit quietly, alone, focusing on my heart beat and my breathing, I am usually comforted and guided. And while I wish more than anything that Doug were still here with me, I feel his presence so much within me that most days I am content, even if I have those moments of intense longing and pain, emptiness and grief.

I am so happy you were able to go through the emails, and able to listen to music you loved. And now that I mentioned it to you, I am going to go cast the I Ching for myself! :)

Just take it a day at a time, and do what you can each day, and know that things will become easier, and your heart will keep healing, although, as Mary said, I am not sure our hearts ever heal entirely. But our hearts are beating, and our minds are functioning, and we are alive. Let us look for moments of peace and joy in this gift of a day. I saw tips of the daffodils coming up in one flower bed yesterday. The rush of overwhelming awareness of the continuity and life filled my heart with gratitude, and I realized that I am still here, and can still grow flowers, share love, create beauty, feast on delicious food, and while Doug is not here to celebrate life with me, I can smile in my heart and share love with him. For today, that will be sufficient. There is life, and sometimes, there is joy.

My love to you as you travel this journey with courage, an open heart, and life.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Hi everyone! I haven't posted in awhile and I am sure alot of people don't know me. This is just a topic that interests me so much. I have a song that I hear at the most amazing times. I know it is Pat telling me that he is still with me. Just the other day I actually had to laugh. For about the past 2 years I have gotten someone to help cut my grass. We had a miscommunication and I ended up having to try and cut it. The only problem was the mower hadn't been started in about a year. So needless to say, I pulled and pulled and it just wouldn't start. I probably went out and tried at least 4 time. Before the last time I went out, I just told him that he would never let his yard look like that and I needed him to help me start the mower. Well as you probably guessed I tried one more time and it started right up. All I could do was shake my head and of course cry. I truly believe that our loved one are still with us and are looking out for us we just have to be open to the signs. :wub:

KAT2005

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One never knows...it can happen...let it be and enjoy it :)

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Dear Jan,

I had this whole long message put together for you, and through my tears, I must have hit the wrong button, and it all disappeared.

Here is a better link. This is a site run by a chap in Canada who is a medical practitioner in Asian medicines and the Tao. Wu wei. It was recommended to me by my (Cantonese) godmother prior to her leaving a couple of years ago.

http://www.compassionatedragon.com

Today is the 14th month anniversary of Doug leaving. I woke up this morning, remembering the night he left, and now I am still crying. I was planning to go to services this morning, and my clothes, hat, and shoes are all laid out, but I don't think I will make it unless I calm down pretty quickly. That is all right, too. I will go when I am able.

I, too, will have a mindful and prayerful Sunday. There is my book, The Mind of the Maker, by Sayers, that I am slowly digesting, a few pages at a time, with notebook handy so I can follow her thinking. And I am also reading a book by Joseph Campbell.

Darcy is feeling better, and called last night to tell me the post-op bleeding has almost stopped. The whole story of her emergency surgery echoes my own emergency surgery, and we are both most obviously protected and cherished by loving forces which I choose to call *<Angels>* but you can pick your own name for these loving energies. So my mind is eased a little because she is doing well.

Jan, I will be mindfully watching today for any messages that might arrive. As Darcy often says, there are no coincidences within the Mind of God.

It is Divine Mercy Sunday all around the world. Whether one is Christian, Taoist, or any other spirit path, I think we can all use a day of merciful healing and compassionate loving acceptance as we spend this day in love and contemplation. I am going to have a go at it.

I send you much love and also

*<twinkles>*

fae

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This post appeared on Facebook today. It is by George Anderson, a medium in Long Island, NY. After Bill died I researched mediums a lot (new world for me-though I have had unplanned encounters with three who blew "me away with what they said without even knowing my name). I found George and a friend (who had just lost her Mom and brother in one week ) and I flew to NY and met with him. Again, he blew me out of the water and I KNEW because I made sure that he did not know me at all. He has a team who arranges things so that he does not know the people he meets with. I know a woman who used a fake name, a money order with someone else's name on it and mailed it from a different city (went pretty far to secure her identity) and she walked in and he said something like, "You lost your son, xxxxx)" I can't recall the son's name but it was an unusual name. George told me things that he could not have known. My question in my heart was did it come from his psychic self or from Bill...but in the end I guess it is all the same. Here is the quote today:

George Anderson

Faith is a funny thing. Remember when you had it in abundance, and were as sure of it as your own name? Remember when tragedy struck, and you leaned on what you thought was your faith, only to find that it disappeared? So many people after loss find that the very things they held dear vanished with the life they once knew. But the drama we add to our grief is unnecessary--faith is not gone. Just like we need a new set of "tools" to understand our loved ones--we need to "see" with our minds and "hear" with our hearts--we need to find a way to make our faith work for us. It's much more simple than you think. If you feel your faith has failed you, go to the one source of faith that will NEVER let you down--believe in your loved ones. They are faith you can count on--we know they are there, we know they are listening, and we know they have never left our side while we struggle to cope and continue. If you find your belief has waned as a result of bereavement, take heart that you are not alone--not on the earth by those who feel exactly the same way, and not from the hereafter where the fragments of your broken beliefs have been collected and saved for a better time. Believe in the people you know believe in YOU--your loved ones will never fail you, and they'll provide a constant reminder that hope and love are still alive in you.

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