kayc Posted June 3, 2013 Report Share Posted June 3, 2013 Helena, So good to hear from you and all that's going on in your life! I am excited about your new place and potential friends, that is great! That is rank of him to not respond and just leave you hanging like that and I'm glad you're moving on with your life. With your great attitude and outlook, you'll be fine. I'm glad you're not sitting around pining for him, even if the "dates" you've had haven't been what you'd hope for, there's time enough for that. I do think it begins to heal and get easier once you're totally at the "no contact" part of the journey. It's like occasional contact keeps the feelings stirred up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plum Posted June 3, 2013 Report Share Posted June 3, 2013 Hey Helena! Good to hear from u! We've been wondering how u have been! So good to hear that u have a great new place and flat mates!! Sorry to hear that ur ex is still acting like an a$$ and ignoring ur MSG. But it sounds like ur feeling so muh better and in a better place. It definitely sounds like ur moving on with ur life and u will be better off in the long run without him. As for me I'm still stuck in the same place. And seeing u in a better place and despite pollara currently dealing with her break up I know that u guys will be in a better place mentally and in ur life very soon. And it makes me not want to be stuck where I am for much too long. Ifs only upto a certain point that u can convince and reassure someone that they are the one u wanna be with and if he can't let go of what happened in the past and get past his insecurities than that's his problem. And currently I'm not even sure if he is the one for me anymore after how he's treated me and doubting our r/s. I feel like I've given as much as I can and now I'm all out and running on empty. I'm just trying to hold out on doing anything until I come back from my holidays and if I still feel the same then I guess there will be no more 'us' Starting to think why wait around for someone that isn't sure about wanting to be with me when there are plenty of others that will love to be wth me and have a future with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helena_d9 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2013 Hello, thank you for your lovely words! It is all very exciting and i think it's a fresh start so desperately needed! I remember being so scared to let go of limbo and not even being slightly ready to move on. Due to the circumstances and the fact that it has been complete silence for a long time i'll be very surprised if i don't hear from him again but for now i'm living my life, not living as a stopgap until he come back like i think i was doing, but living my life to move on. Like i still miss him, but i think i miss what we had, not him as a person because who he was really at the end didn't deserve me or the support i gave him for months. Pollara i really am so sorry you've joined the ranks but i hope everything works out ok in the end. You come across as a very tough cookie so i'm sure you'll be fine! Plum i think only you know your own limits, you are the only one who knows him and knows when enough is enough. I knew i had to come to an end at some point on my own, and whilst i'm not completely over him, it came naturally so hang on in there until enough is enough and you know you can't do it any more. Kayc thank you so much for your help and kind words. I can imagine you've seen hundreds of people and can see exactly how things will turn out. I know when i read other people's new stories that i can relate and remember how it wasn't so long ago i was the same. I've been using the site less because i don't want what has happened to be the main focus in my life anymore. I hope it's ok if i occasionally pop on and see how you are all doing and let you know how things are with me. I'm still worried about the concert which is now next week and if he'll get in touch but until then screw him Grief only excuses so much. If you love someone i think you stick by them and help them but if they won't accept that help, or don't stop trying to be this new, changed and in my case horrible person then what can you do? You're not responsible for other people's happiness, just like the griever isn't responsible for your happiness. I never thought i'd be at this stage because i think i was scared that if i let go it meant it was over and there was no hope. But he made it like this not me. I've lost a couple of friends through it all because they were selfish or had ulterior motives to being my shoulder to cry on. I've also lost the person i thought i'd spend the rest of my life with but i am so much stronger for it. I functioned throughout it all and i can now look forward to meeting someone who i deserve, i can buy a house with them, maybe even get married and have a family and it'll be the right person for me. As i keep saying i still care about him and i'm not completely over him but i can see a future without him which i never could before. I really hope everything works out ok for you all and thank you so much for all your help. I don't think you realise how much of a relief it was to turn to people who understood...or maybe you do, because we are all in the same boat Best of luck!!!!!!! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenna2 Posted June 10, 2013 Report Share Posted June 10, 2013 Helena, I'm trying to say something witty and helpful but I can't think of a thing. So I'll just say the best of luck to you, and however the story turns out, I hope it turns out good for you. Jenna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 10, 2013 Report Share Posted June 10, 2013 Helena, Having the support of others here makes all the difference! And I'm so glad you're using this as a learning experience and in the end you'll be all the healthier/happier for it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pollara Posted June 11, 2013 Report Share Posted June 11, 2013 Helena good luck to you too! I am very happy that you are feeling better and I hope by the time I will too. And you know at the end of the day, if it is to happen it will happen. What I really afraid was that I might move on and when he will come back I will be with another. But screw this. They were the ones that broke up with us and things got to this. They were the ones that had the upper hand but at the end chose to be selfish. We were there to support us but they didn't want us. We did our best and after few months, when we will look back we will know that at least we did our best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helena_d9 Posted June 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2013 Just wanted to say that Pollara that is exactly how i felt, still do a little bit because i still haven't got a proper ending so having to make myself move on. I was so scared that if i even thought about moving on and if i actually did then he would come back and then it would be too late and how would we be able to be together again..... But i felt like that because i wasn't ready to move on, because i was still in the first stages of a break up and now that doesn't scare me so much because i'm starting to move on naturally. Like anything it takes time and eventually you'll be ok. We'll all be ok because we were strong enough to stick by them and support them, they just weren't intelligent enough to hold on to a good thing so more fool them. If there's justice and karma then i know i won't be the lonely one in the end or end up regretting my behaviour and actions. It's a shame really but it means that either they aren't the ones for us, or they aren't the right ones for us right now. Personally i think it's the former....i don't particularly want a coward who hides away from things when it gets tough. Because of how they have acted and because of how they have behaved, i don't know if you could ever not be scared that if something like this happens again, will they not just act the same and push us away? Do you want a relationship with someone who runs away or could potentially run away again? Loyalty is high on my list of priorities and i feel like if i'm loyal, i should get it back and i really haven't throughout this. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pollara Posted June 12, 2013 Report Share Posted June 12, 2013 The only excuse that I can give if he ever was to come back, which I doubt that is the case, but supposed he does, is the fact that our relationship wasn't strong and solid enough at that time to last through this devastating moment. I know that deep inside me I am probably making excuses and this would probably have happened even if we were more years together, but knowing myself, I know that if I am still single and have feelings for him, I will give him a second chance by listening first his excuses and then probably by giving this justification to myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louisajane Posted June 30, 2013 Report Share Posted June 30, 2013 Trouble is that's not the worst thing that could happen because i still don't believe it's really over so the worst thing is that i start to realise or it starts to feels like it is. I love him and i miss him but i can't be with him when he's like how he is. I think i'm going to stick to no contact until he can talk to me about the stuff that matters and hope to god he sees sense. x Helena, this could almost be me, I feel exactly the same. I am not managing 'no contact' but I can't bear to 'realise' it is over. My ex has pushed me away but wants to actively be 'good friends' and help with lots of practical things and maybe go to the theatre, go for walks even, not sure what 'good friends' entails exactly. I can't feel used as he is willing to put himself out to help me and isn't trying to get into bed with me - even though the physical attraction is still there. I completely feel the unbearable pain you are dealing with, and think you are very brave to maintain 'no contact'. This is not a game, it is keeping your own dignity and letting him think about the choices he is making. I do so hope this works out for you. I want to do 'no contact' but feel that what will then happen is he will do the same and will quickly forget me and find someone new. I know I am in danger of pushing him away by trying to hang on so either way I lose.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 30, 2013 Report Share Posted June 30, 2013 Sometimes you have to absent yourself to give them a chance to miss you and you a chance to grow stronger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helena_d9 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 Hello, I keep checking in to see how everyone is getting on and just wanted to say that KayC is so right. I think the thought of stepping back scared me half to death because you are so worried that they'll move on, you'll be forgotten about, they'll find someone new but if you can allow yourself to think in a slightly common sense sort of way (which is extremely hard) then if they are suffering grief, those are the last things on their mind, so you need to step back, secure in the knowledge that it's not about them meeting someone, it's about them sorting their head out and giving the relationship a chance which you can't happen if there's no room to breath or let things happen. As much as you want to, you can't control what happens. The fact that your guy wants to stay in touch Louisajane sounds really encouraging but there's a fine line between being there and supporting them, and allowing them to just see you or just pick you back up when they feel like it. My ex has proved himself to be a douche through and through so i have a different viewpoint to people who are supporting someone who is genuinely grieving and can't help what is going. It's coming up to around 3 months since we broke up and maybe 6 or 8 weeks of complete silence from him. as though i never existed or never supported him and we were never together which is quite hard to move on from when you have no 'closure'. I don't know what will happen with you and your situation but if the thought of the worst case scenario and you having to move on is frightening then please know that you will be ok. I know you don't want to think about it and it may not end up that way but looking back, i'm surprised how ok i am. I was sort of 'engaged' to my ex, he was going to move and we were talking about where to live, he had a job interview for here etc so it was serious and i loved him but that horrible sick feeling i had for every waking minute of the day has gone and i can actually have fun and be happy now without it being fake or forced so just wanted to say that whatever happens you will be ok because i'm sure at the minute you're all over the place, having no idea what will happen and i know how horrible that is! x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helena_d9 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 Quick add on... I've just read your thread Louisajane and realised that although the 'supporting a grieving person' doesn't apply to your situation, there is still a fine a line between sticking around for a confused guy and becoming a doormat...but you will also be ok no matter what happens. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pollara Posted July 1, 2013 Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 Hi Helena! I am glad that you are doing more and more better. I am doing it better as the ex subject is concerned but I heard something about him of getting panic attacks and I am worried. But not in the same way I was when I didn't know if we were still together etc. I am worried for his mental health as a person. And it is true, if things are so worse as at least they think in their minds it is, going on a new relationship is the last thing that they want. But a lot of times I thought what if a new girl shows up when he is on the way out of his depression. Well then I said to myself that he can go to hell. He knows that I am there, that I wanted to supported him and that in a way I am still waiting so if he chooses another girl then he definitely doesn't deserve me. But I know that I did what I could. I was there, I tried to give my help, I didn't ask for anything and in the end, when he got out of his depression if he cannot see that most of the girls would have already abandoned him, then he deserves a worse girl. In any case you are right. I believe the hardest part is to decide that he is not the only man on the planet and that whether you leave him or not, if it is meant to be together you will be. And no, I don't mean that to a fateful way or whatever but more like, if they really want us and care about us, they know where to find us, A lot of friends keep telling me that if I had returned he wouldn't have break up with me, which I doubt or that if I don't return in my country at autumn he will forget me and we won't be together ever again. But I wonder why? He has the problem. Why should I be physically there? Does he need to see me in order to remember me? He has depression not amnesia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 1, 2013 Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 Next month it'll be three years since we broke up and I still don't want him to have someone else and be happy with her. Just being honest. But if he did, I'd have to deal with it. Just as if I did, he'd have to deal with it. When there is a break up, there is that risk that someone is going to find someone new. I know the breakup wasn't about that, but given enough time, it can happen all the same. A part of me feels he doesn't deserve to be happy with someone else, esp. after what he did to me! He had someone perfectly good and threw her away (me!) so why should he get to move on and be happy! But I know if I was totally over him I'd feel indifference. Guess that answers that question! But over him or not, I have resolve and nothing's going to happen between us unless we work on what took place and resolve it so it wouldn't reoccur. I am unwilling to go through this heartbreak again! Pollara, we aren't in different countries and it still happened, so I don't think that has anything to do with it. Distance can be worked out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pollara Posted July 1, 2013 Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 Well probably they believe that since he tells to the majority of our common friends that we break up due to distance. But it is the same majority that he is pretending that he is totally fine so of course distance is an easy excuse. I don't believe that distance is the main problem because he didn't have it in the first place and he was the one who wanted to start a long distance relationship while I had my doubts and of course he was the one that he told me: "I don't know if I want you to come back". So of course it cannot be distance. Now I don't know if he needs to see me again, but supposed that I return to my country but for some reason we haven't meet with him or with our common friends. How should he know that I am there or not if he doesn't ask me? Oh KayC I hadn't understand that you were in the same place. I thought that you were in another state. Because in Europe that I am living each country is like a state. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 1, 2013 Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 No, we live about 60 miles away from each other, we used to spend weekends at my house and always talked on the phone during the week. If you start a relationship with distance, how can you then blame it on the distance? No, sounds like a hand excuse so as not to have to openly talk about the real reason or own responsibility for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pollara Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 I see. It is like living in another city. yeah, well in my country things were easier, we were only 5-6 miles away. Well I believe it is the easy solution to say about distance. Noone will ask more and they will "understand" it. Of course it is funny supposedly that they know that I am returning in a few months but whatever. It seems that some of them have already bought this excuse. At least it isn' t insulting as being immature. Whatever, I just want to ensure that he want commit suicide. As for Jim, judging by what how you have described him I don't see him find another partner. I believe that if you have shown him an obvious green light or telling him to be together he would have said yes but he doesn't have the guts to come and tell you that he wants to be together Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plum Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Hello, I thought I wouldn't be popping in as much but I've been checking the forum every few days or so for last few months so it's almost become a habit! Interesting what you guys say about being afraid that they'll meet someone else. I never really had that fear about my guy cuz I always figured that whoever they meet won't be as good as me. : D And always thought well once you've the best, everyone else will seem crap in comparison. Haha maybe this is egoistic way of thinking. Maybe that's why I never really worried about that. And I figured hey if they want to date someone else over someone that's awesome and wonderful like us (Cuz I think all of us are awesome!!) that's their problem and shows that they're stupid and will probably forever miss wonderful opportunities in other things in their lives cuz they don't know a good thing even when it's been shoved in their face. Also I guess is the glass half empty or half full? I mean another way to think about this is how do u know that there isn't someone better for you out there? Maybe there is someone that's more wonderful and great than your current guy/ex. So maybe on top of a break up being their loss, maybe it is a blessing in disguise for us? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 True way of looking at it, Plum...only I've had six husbands or fiances in my life and I'm done. You reach a point... I don't close the door completely, I'm just not looking for that and doubtful it'll happen and I'm okay with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDoubleU Posted July 28, 2013 Report Share Posted July 28, 2013 Greetings, It is amazing to me how many people are experiencing the same situation. Obviously there is something to this concept of grief being the breaking point for a lot of relationships. All the advice that is ever given is the same, let them go their way and worry about yourself. And you know what? It is great, great advice. And also the hardest thing imaginable to do. Out of all these posts that I have read one thought continues to come through and it is one that I am experiencing myself - Can somebody please explain to me what just happened so that I can try and understand what is going on here? I get the feeling that getting that explanation, even if it were possible, would likely just yield more questions and not provide any kind of relief. Is it possible that the people who react like this after a loss have suffered from abandonment issues at some point prior in their lives? I know that in my case, this is true. Anyone else have any feedback on that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pollara Posted July 28, 2013 Report Share Posted July 28, 2013 Greetings, It is amazing to me how many people are experiencing the same situation. Obviously there is something to this concept of grief being the breaking point for a lot of relationships. All the advice that is ever given is the same, let them go their way and worry about yourself. And you know what? It is great, great advice. And also the hardest thing imaginable to do. Out of all these posts that I have read one thought continues to come through and it is one that I am experiencing myself - Can somebody please explain to me what just happened so that I can try and understand what is going on here? I get the feeling that getting that explanation, even if it were possible, would likely just yield more questions and not provide any kind of relief. Is it possible that the people who react like this after a loss have suffered from abandonment issues at some point prior in their lives? I know that in my case, this is true. Anyone else have any feedback on that? All I know is that depression doesn't make any specific choices. It depends on the person and his/her character. Some times even really strong person collapses. I have a friend who is psychologist as I mention in a lot of my post and she has encountered a lot of cases. She told me that each case is different and you never know until the first month how is the other going to react. Sometimes of course not even the month is indicative, but she sets the usual limit at the month because it is about the time when the realization of the loss hits you. My ex didn't have any abandonment issues, but his parents had divorced so he stayed with his mother and his sister since his 10. Although he has very good relationship with his father and he was very supportive, in our country this is not the case. I mean divorcing is not very usual as it is let's say in other countries. So you might say that this is an abandonment issue. But on the other hand, his sister is doing fine because she had a lot of hobbies and activities and decided to stress her energy to them. So no don't search for a specific indicator. Like abandonment issues or abuse. I think it depends on the person and sometimes even timing plays an important role. I mean if the death had happened at some point earlier or later. Sometimes also it depends on the death itself. Whether you expect it or not. Of course my ex was waiting for it for 15 years but in the end depression took him over. My friend has told me that she also has seen cases where a person that it is really strong as a character collapses because it is the trigger of all it has been going through. Recently she told me that she had a patient that she had been going through a lot of hardships in all her life like losing her second child at birth, losing her husband, losing money etc but she always was very strong. Until she lost a job and she got depression. But what she came up with (my friend) was that this was just the trigger. That she didn't react or she tried to suppress her emotions for all the other stuffs and when she lost her job it was for her the final trigger, like "why everything goes wrong to me"? OK this is not a case of depression itself, but it might also apply to grief to some cases. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 28, 2013 Report Share Posted July 28, 2013 Most of us weren't given explanations or truth so it's hard to know what happened. It seems they had a difficult time communicating, perhaps that plays into their commonality, who knows. Perhaps they were all weak, again, who knows. But it does seem it was reactionary and not well planned out. Answers is something most of us would have liked, and what we can't hold our breath for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helena_d9 Posted July 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2013 What i would have given/give to receive an explanation that would help me say 'enough wondering' and put it all to bed but i think the only sure thing about these situations is that we probably won't ever get an explanation. It's been just over 3 months since we broke up and i think about 2 months of hearing literally nothing from him. I know he's been back for gigs and things, i know he probably will have to come back in the future to deal with the house and the belongings that are still there after we packed everything up but i know that he hasn't and probably won't be in touch. It's hard because you have to force yourself to move on because there is zero 'closure' (hate that word ) and because i am hurt and mad at the fact that he thinks so little of me and our relationship that he continues to act like i was never there - even though he did the proposing and chasing and love declaring. It's so selfish and mean to treat someone who stuck by you and supported you like that and when you feel particularly low on the odd occasions, you have no answers to help yourself with. I like to think of him as weak and pathetic when i'm feeling particularly annoyed but he's not so weak he isn't enjoying his life without me and acting like everything is great. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 29, 2013 Report Share Posted July 29, 2013 Yes, Helena, that seems to be the thing they have in common. But it's weakness that causes them to take the chicken way out and not at LEAST give us explanation/closure! And I have to wonder about the character of a person that can do to us what they have with little-no regard to how it hurt us, ESP. after we stuck by them through everything! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helena_d9 Posted July 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2013 I know and i understand that people may think that it's a selfish way of looking at it because 'they are grieving, have a heart' but it's not ok to treat the ones who have stuck by you like they have. In my case he turned mean and angry and everything was my fault because as i think i've mentioned before 'he was fine before he met me'....yes huni, you also had a mother who was still alive and hadn't collapsed and found two days later and then diagnosed with terminal cancer before you met me! He said he was fine, acted fine with everyone else but was just a complete douche to me. You make allowances, you help and support them, you discover a patience you never thought you had and commit to them and stand by them.....and then they f*ck you over and f*ck off! I think i'm just having a bad day because i'm moving house next weekend which is stressful and because the day i move would have been our anniversary (sods law!) I'm packing everything up and of course coming across things that have been hidden away and i'm leaving a flat with so many memories (which is a good thing obviously) and it's sad that he has no idea or that i'm not moving with him as originally planned because he has completely cut me out for the last couple of months. Very frustrating, and actually quite hurtful. And i thought i was past the rollercoaster stage but i guess with no real closure that is expected. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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