Some Things Just Don't Make Sense

[enna]

It Doesn’t Make Sense

Out of the blue and for no reason at all I had a meltdown over a cocoa mug I knocked off the counter that Jim drank from for years. There was a pair – both blue with snowmen on the outside and snowflakes on the inside. I would make hot cocoa at night when Jim could not sleep. It was a special time for us. I think Jim used to wake up on purpose just to have that mug of cocoa with me! I don’t know why it sent me into an emotional outburst. You would have thought that someone was hurting me the way I carried on – thank goodness it was warm enough to have the air on and the doors and windows were closed or there would have been just a few people ringing my doorbell! Benji did not know what happened! He kept following me around until I settled down and then he sat right by me for a very long time. My therapy!!

I’m sure it wasn’t the mug that sent me into deep despair for a few hours. I know that it was part of my Jim. It tugged at my heart to the point that I wept like a kid having a tantrum. I did not even feel foolish. I just had to let the emotion move through my body. This is when grief really sucks. No one can understand it unless you are grieving for a loved one. Most would say ‘get over it, it was just a mug!’

I am still at the stage where I find it very hard to sort through things that were so Jim. There is a long sleeved white tee that he wore to the point of the neck and sleeves being frayed and I just can’t throw it out or use it as a cleaning rag! I tried to wear it around the house but we women have boobs and the tee was only a large in men’s – no room for the boobs!

Today I can smile at my outburst of yesterday. We are so fragile. Is this sense of vulnerability going to be with me for the rest of my life? Will I always be right on the edge of falling apart over ‘things’? Perhaps I will not react so strongly over the next ‘treasure’ but then again maybe I will. It tugs at the heart and as long as our hearts are beating I guess we’ll be vulnerable!

I know I’m not alone in this grief experience. Anne

[mfh]

Dear Anne, I am so sorry for all your pain. It DOES make perfect sense. I assume the mug broke...unless I missed it...it is not stated but I have to assume it broke. It was full, not of cocoa, but of memories...joyous and bittersweet memories....of course you had a melt down. Sort of like that woman who I bumped into in Costco this week. I also think we tend to protect ourselves from pain and so when something happens that just gets to us, vulnerable as we are, those other thoughts, memories, events, pain, pain, pain that we did not really respond to fully in our need to just not cry...all of those come out also. Called a meltdown.

You asked if this would go on forever. All I can say is that at 3 years, it happens but not nearly as often and does not last as long and I rarely wail. I also have friends who lost husbands 20 + - years ago and triggers still get them on occasion. Our vulnerability heals over time and we develop a second skin that protects us more than the raw membrane you have now. Sort of like our bodies that shed millions of cells a week...and gain new ones.

Benji was probably frightened...I have scared Bentley on occasion but they have such a strong trust in us that I think they do not stay afraid long. So far I have not broken anything that I remember but I have some mugs that mean a lot, not in monetary value, but in memories. If I broke one of them, it would be difficult and there would be tears. I can't say if there would be a meltdown...it would depend other factors....like whether I feeling more raw or vulnerable than usual, what mug it was; etc. I would even feel badly if I broke one of my mom's old mugs because it was hers.

This is grief, Anne. No way around it. And if you were here I would hug you for a long time so I am sending you a long hug.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Peace to your heart,

Mary

I just finished putting I do not know how many books back, sort of sorting as I go, and I have heard emails coming in and decided when I heard yours to check and see what it was about..

I know that pain, Anne....and I am sorry.

[kayc]

Anne, I totally understand, it felt like another loss, being further removed from him, I totally get it. It's not the mug, it's that it was HIS and the two of you used to drink together out of them! It will get better with passing years, but for now it felt like a huge loss. I'm glad you had Benji to console you.

[ShanN]

((((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))) Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Oh, dear one, I know that so well. A while after Doug left, his favorite rice and noodle bowl, a matched set made by a dear potter friend for us, very special, a marriage gift. I brushed it off the counter and it broke into many shards. I just sat on the floor, cradling the pieces, and wailed, ranted, prayed, and shed a river of tears. Our life was gone. I only needed one noodle bowl now. It is only in the last few days that I have been able to eat out of my noodle bowl. Now it feels healing to me, made with and for love. Now it nourishes me with the memories of our organic, fresh, gluten-free Thai or Chinese meals, eaten from our bowls as we sat out on our patio that is embossed with our dragonflies and flowers. We had so much fun doing art all around us.

I can do art again. I am doing modest things, like needlepoint and sewing. I am stenciling the tent.

Dear Anne, your own gifts, talents, all that makes you the spirit you are, will continue to come forth, and you will find new bits of joy in the things that make you smile. But there will be gushers.

There is no way to avoid (nor would I want to avoid) what my Auntie calls "gushers" because she is also a hydrocarbon geologist. Fancy name for an oil finder. Anyway, she says that we build up these pressurized reserves of grief, then you let off pressure. Further down the line for tear production, there are deeper and deeper wells of the pain being tapped, and they erupt. Sort of like a volcano.

Another favorite auntie, she and her husband both geologists, pilots, and crackerjack people, were together when Uncle Jack (another Uncle Jack) was killed in an airplane accident. He was flying, and they hit the hard edge of a growing hurricane down out of Galveston.

So, anyway, I think I have gushers. I think we all have a name for them, but I can recall as a girl, Aunt Faye sitting on the porch swing, in her black clothes, with maybe white cuffs, and black hats with no feathers by another Auntie, Aunt Ruth. And she told us then, as we girls who adored and admired her gathered around, that she was having gushers for Uncle Jack. She explained a broken heart to us. So we began to learn our geology early on. And about husbands. She reminded me of this when we talked. She is very happy that Arlie is fine, and she is heading on an adventure soon.

I am nattering here, telling stories, but I think there are circles of grace here that are keeping all of us more balanced this journey, where we are each making our own, patient, zig-zagging progress. We are learning so much along the way.

Dear Anne, let the tears and wailing come when they erupt. You are clearing deep pain, and it needs your whole body, I am finding, to let it out.

It is still snowing. It is quite beautiful, and cool out there.

Time for prayers and sleep for me. I am feeling much better from more rest.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Thank you for all your responses. I guess 'triggers' come in all shapes and sizes. Funny how we don't think about these things until that one memento flashes in front of us and than vulnerability sets in and we need to release all the emotions that come with it.

I appreciate all the virtual hugs. It's amazing how warm one feels when so many arms are around you.

I can't believe some of you still have snow on the ground!

Anne

[mfh]

You are welcome, Anne. The first time I got a virtual hug here I had no clue why someone was doing (((((Hug))))). And I am such a smarty pants on the computer Anyway, I send you another for today...Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Anne. I know how these things just suddenly grab you by the throat. And objects like mugs or anything that we used with our loved ones are so invested with meaning. On my way home from Leeds today I went into the supermarket that we always used on our way back home. I just HATE going there alone but I have to do it. And in the entrance were bags of compost. And I knew that if I wanted to get back into gardening I had to buy some compost. But Pete Always did this and he was strong and lifted them. And I couldn't buy the big ones as they were too heavy. And I just felt so alone and uncared for. Because before I was always taken care of. I kind of knew it and loved it but of course now I think I never truly appreciated it. So today I spoke quietly to myself and said Jan you are so brave. Pete would be so proud of you doing these things all alone (and mAybe does know).

I would like to ask those a little further along the road of grief. When does the waking to grief stop? Never? After a night of sleep I wake and have to come to terms with a world without Pete in it. Every single morning. I know it's not as bad as it was in the early months but it still causes sharp pain to start each day. It's as though we try to revert back to the old good days whilst asleep. And since I shared so much of my life (50 out of 71) it's no wonder I can't get used to t I suppose. And also I know that if I get a moment of enjoyment I immediately try to brush it away because I don't want to experience any happiness without Pete. I'm sure that is a very common feeling and I know Pete would want me to be happy even though he isn't with me.

[kayc]

I'm not sure when "waking to grief" stopped, maybe gradually a skipped day now and then, and eventually it's not the first thing on your mind any more because you've gotten more used to it.

[mfh]

I do not remember when things shifted a bit. I still waken to tears, left over dream bits, loneliness but not nearly as often as the first year or more. I lose track of when that happened. I do still waken every single day to the awareness that Bill is not here...every day for sure but it does not send me reeling into tears or pain most days. Sad a bit but not sobbing. It will all happen for you, Jan. I did read that you do not want to have happiness without Pete...and though I understand it...that probably has to change before you will have some moments of joy or happiness. Being open to all that comes is key. Pete would want you to experience happiness without him. It does not diminish your grief or how you miss him. Just consider staying open to it....that's all. Mary

[Wifflesnook]

I know he would want what is best for me and what is best is for me not to be in deep permanent misery. But when I get a tiny lifting of the heart because for example I am looking forward to a comfy bed and hot choc I feel a pang of guilt. That is the kind of happiness I feel bad about. He always told me I looked for the hard paths in life even when mine were the soft ones. I think I have to work on this one.

[KATPILOT]

Anne!

I can certainly relate to the trauma you have experienced with that mug breaking. The meltdown was quite understandable. I know. It happened to me as well. In the end, you have to realize that it's just stuff. I don't want to loose her things, I need to touch them. To keep them safe. For the first year, I couldn't even move a piece of furniture. As time goes by, you just can't avoid the loss. Things wear out. Other people will break them. Even the bed sheets wear out, albeit your side of the bed. I remember when a pillow case tore while I was making the bed. I was forced eventually to replace them. She slept with me on those sheets so I had a bit of sorrow in doing it. What got me through was the fact that I knew she was with me when I picked out new ones. I made a color change and when I made the bed up, I looked at it and thought "did I do good Hun?" As time goes by, if you live long enough, a lot of things will change. Maybe it is rather a nice thing that you get to pick out new things. Maybe they are with us when we do it. Always remember that your taste in things grew to be a combination of your and his.

Stephen

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I still wake to grief many days. Actually, most days. I can recall a few mornings when I have not had that sinking feeling, waking up and realizing Doug is not here. Usually, though, I just wake up sad. Sometimes still, crying, but usually just sad. I think it is all tied together with the robberies and stuff, which I why I am getting some counseling about it, because I HATE feeling like a victim.

I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and trust the day. That happens more now than it did last autumn. It has been 14 months for me, and I am functioning far better than I was even six or three months ago. It does get better. It just all takes time, and being in grief makes the time seem very slow to me.

It will get better.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Jan, perhaps just giving yourself a new message that goes something like this: "I am open to life and whatever good it brings to me." instead of telling yourself you feel guilty of you feel good for a moment or look forward to something. Even something like, "I know my enjoyment of _________________ is what Pete would want for me." I KNOW it is difficult. I had a tough time letting go of enjoying anything also...not because of guilt but more because of it just feeling inappropriate or contradictory to my grief. It will come in time. Be patient but open. End of my sermon.

[enna]

I just now caught your post, Jan, in response to my reaction to the broken cocoa mug!! I do not think that the ‘waking of grief’ ever stops. You and I are walking this journey together and I think that we will find that we’ll be thinking of more positive things in our Pete and Jim’s lives as we journey along. Please do not brush those moments of joy aside. That is our new life now. We will always have that hole in our hearts but I do believe that we will soon look at some of the fun, happy times we had. Did you buy the compost? I have decided to plant some roses around the house. I have seen roses thrive in our AZ temperatures. I love the smell of roses and when I have the door open I can smell the hyacinth flowers, the jacaranda flowers, and the rosemary come through the house. Now I want to smell the roses. I know you think you don’t want to experience any happiness without Pete but because you are a strong person and you love life you will experience a happiness that will be different. And you know that Pete wants you to be happy. Remember, he fell in love with someone who is full of life. Anne

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, I too love roses, and I've grown them in every part of the country where I've ever lived, including in the Valley of the Sun. All roses need is sunshine, water, good food (bone meal, for example) and good drainage (they don't like "wet feet"). They are far easier to grow than most people think ~ and the payoff is beyond description. In my humble opinion, there is no more beautiful flower than a rose. I think of roses as the perfect metaphor for life: you cannot have the beauty of the flowers without the thorns.♥

[Wifflesnook]

Mary as usual you give such good advice. Yes, once I get up I shall write those things down. And this morning at 7.30 am I'm enjoying lying in bed and not having to rush about with little grand children (not that I don't enjoy it when I'm there). Anne we have found each other in our shared grief. Yes I bought the compost. I shall use it. I shall enjoy the planting and do it whilst thinking about Pete and our happy happy life. I know he would want me to take happiness wherever and whenever I could. Ad because he knew me so well he wouldn't be a bit surprised at how difficult that is for me in a world without him. Fae and Stephen thanks.

[mfh]

Jan, I think it is a matter first of deciding you want to be happy even when you can not right now and even when you have no hope of being happy which is right where I was. I decided I can't spend whatever years I have left being miserable. I can honor my grief, feel my pain, have my bad times or days and still enjoy life and find meaning. I am attempting to do both and I believe it is possible and that it IS life for everyone really. We here have been given a huge teacher about how to live both grief and gratitude and joy all at the same time...

I am leaving in a while to drive to Galena, IL about 80 minutes from here. I still go to my dentist there. It is where Bill and I started our life together and it is a wonderful tourist town. We ran a bed and breakfast which lasted about 6 months before we both got sick of it. It was up and running and VERY successful before I came along but we closed it 6 months after our marriage....thank goodness.

Tomorrow and Thursday I have all day workshops in art including plein air along the river IF the weather cooperates. In the meantime I hope my painters show up while I am gone....I would like to come home today to see progress. If not...they get a call tonight

[enna]

Thank you for the advice about how to care for roses, Marty. I have always had them in the house but I haven't grown them outside - I will remember about keeping their "feet" dry and using the bone meal.

Have a good drive to Galena (one of my favorite towns and you will be so close to Jackie that I am jealous), Mary. I'll be looking forward to hearing how your workshops go.

Buying the compost is a start, Jan. Let's get busy and get our hands and noses dirty. My nose always itches when I'm out in the yard and I have my garden gloves on!!

Anne

[mfh]

Where does Jackie live? I know you are wanting to visit her as soon as your doctor says it is ok....I hope that is soon. Peace

mary

[kayc]

Stephen,

You made some valid points that I think will be helpful for us all.

This question made me go back and read my posts from my beginning days in 2005 and the raw emotion really hit me...how hard it really was.

[enna]

The darkness keeps creeping back in:

Today’s news at my Cardiac Team’s office was not what I expected! I have been going along fine – following directions, going to classes, reducing my sodium and fluid intake, eating right, and exercising. I thought for sure that the nurse would have good news for me and tell me that we can schedule you for once a month now. That did not happen.Instead two of my tests were not so good. Not to get too technical - my creatinine level (a blood test) doubled which means that my kidneys are not functioning as they need to – and the test they check for the congestive heart failure jumped over 40 pts from two weeks ago which means that my heart failure is worsening. So instead of seeing them in a month I have to go back on May 1^st! Long story short the blood that goes into the ventricle is not pushing out to the rest of my body to give it the nourishment our bodies need. Enough said about my chronic dx. I am sharing this because I have been told by a very wise person (Mary) that this too is part of my grief journey!!

Today I am discouraged and frightened. I am too young to think of leaving this earth. The reality of all this is – I am too old (according to transplant banks) to have a kidney transplant. They would not do one on me. And, if my heart failure is worsening medicines will not help. I have already made my decision several years ago that I will not have artificial pumps or other devices planted into my body if my outcome is death. My Living Will is specific...

I am NOT thinking about death right now just trying to get a grip on the reality of my situation. Funny, one of the books I am reading is titled: How To Be Sick by Toni Berhard. I was starting to accept my new chronic illness and want to be at peace with what I can and cannot do.

I have been so involved with the grieving process of losing my Jim that I now have to make room for another type of grieving – the loss of my health!!

This confuses me. It makes me sad/mad. I don't want my health to be a destraction to my focusing on my Jim. I even think it is unfair! How dare this happen to me. I'm trying very hard not to use the words, "Why is this happening to me?" Anne

[mfh]

Dear Anne, I know it was difficult for you to post your latest news and I also know we are all with you as you deal with these test results along with your wonderful Jim's death. I too would want to be asking why but you and I have lived long enough to know that there is no answer to that question...at least not one we will understand now. I am just so sorry not only that your test results were not good but for the disappointment and fear I know you are experiencing. I am assuming the doctor provided you with a Rx or an increased dose of something. Is that correct? Please know you are in my prayers and thoughts and that I am and everyone here is here for you.

Peace,

Mary

PS ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Anne I am so sorry for this. Well sorry isn't enough.

Maybe because you were expecting good news the negative news was harder? You are here and you are dealing with this the best you can. I have learnt to know and love you since you joined this group and I know you will get through this. It truly truly isn't fair. I feel resentful on your behalf when you are trying so hard to do all the right things for your health whilst dealing with the loss of Jim.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

I am so sorry to hear this news. You have been doing so well, holding such wonderful and positive thoughts as you stayed with the treatments and recommendations. No one could have expected this, especially when we were all expecting more good news.

Can you think of anything that has changed in your care, medications, or treatment these last few weeks? I don't know it this is even a place to look for causes, because I don't know much about the aspects of heart problems. I do know that Jim's leaving would break your heart. I just hope they have a Plan B for you, and maybe some other medications, therapies, or plans to try.

Yes, I am sure this is all of a piece: losing Jim, all the life changes and changes in your days is bound to upset the body. I think most of us have had some experiences with that.

You have been so conscientious and attentive to the therapies, and I am disappointed in the test results for you, and also hoping that you can see this as one glitch that maybe can be sorted out and resolved in the next month or so. All the good tests and one batch of bad tests. Well, I think we can wait and see how the next patch of tests do in May, because I am thinking they will be better.

I've had so many ups and downs in my own health since Doug left, that I am learning to look at a longer-term picture of things, and to anticipate the roller coaster of medical reports as well. But when I look back over the last hear and a half since I began to slide, even before Doug left, I can see how much better my physical health is today, and also how much better I am able to cope with the grief.

I am going to look to the future for better test results for you, and know that you will take each day, and each test, as it comes, knowing that no mere numbers are ever an accurate description of who and how we are.

Dear Anne, I am holding you in prayer and in my heart. I know this unexpected bad news is not what you wanted or needed right now. But it is one set of tests, and things can get better before the next set of tests.

Much Love, dear Anne,

*<twinkles>*

fae