I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Just checking in. These long hot summer days alone sure are hard to cope with. But you all know that. Just thinking of being alone and missing My Paula brings tears to my eyes.

Have been in contact with our youngest son in Mass. Trying to help him navigate their troubled waters.

Chris

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

You are doing so very well, and carrying so very much.

Blessings to you this day,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[boogieman]

Such as it is, this is my current burden and responsibility.

[kayc]

I don't know about it being your responsibility, but you are certainly being a good and caring father and I pray it reaps you rewards, even though that's not your motivation. Hang in there, Chris, you do have purpose and a loving family. Have you scheduled any time with your friend lately?

[boogieman]

Thank you for the kind comments. Like dealing with losing My Paula and all else that has happened recently, I try so very hard.

Last week Nick told me of his plans to have one each of his five grand-children over for a day and an overnight stay this week before they all start back to school soon. So he has his hands full. I've talked to him a couple of times and certainly don't want to interfere with that family time for them. Besides, it's over 100* every day and 105*-110* heat index daily for the next 10 days or so. Not Arizona hot, but potentially dangerous just the same.

My responsibility to our son and his wife is to continue to try to teach him how to manage their lives in a reasonable fashion, and to help in whatever manner I am able, if and when I can. A responsibility I honor because he is our son. To me, a parent's duty doesn't necessarily end when the child reaches adulthood. I need all my children to know that Dad is the first place they can come to when they need advice or help. My door is always open to them.

For me the hard part is that sometimes the answer is "no" or "Sorry, I can't help you".

Ironically, Bradley and I were in contact today. He hinted that they may be moving to Quebec, Canada after they loose their house in Mass. Mine isn't to question why because if this is what they choose to do, it is their choice. Why there I don't know. I do know they reject my offer to come home here to Texas for political and psychological reasons. Again, their choice which I must accept.

My reward is to see them make good, well informed, adult decisions.

If My Paula and I can be instrumental in that endeavor, we will be content and pleased.

And you are so right. I do still have a purpose. Tending to my small flock.

Chris

[kayc]

You are so right...sometimes I think the harder part is AFTER they turn 18, readying them for adulthood. I smile as I read: "And you are so right. I do still have a purpose. Tending to my small flock." Much the same as I feel, even if I don't hear from my kids all the time, still, they need us there in the wings.

[boogieman]

On a personal level, what do you do with all the times between contact? I find each and every hour seemingly days long. And the days never seem to end they drag by so slowly. The loneliness sets in and I find it very hard to shake. This lack of personal contact is making me stressed-out. I NEED this interaction but can't seem to find it anywhere.

I miss My Paula so greatly.

[feralfae]

Chris, when do you start your support group?

Do you have a church or any clubs or hobby groups, or bowling, anything like that? You and Your Paula probably have some friends who would love to have you over for dinner.

And don't overlook just going to read the paper in a coffee shop for starters.

You are doing so very well to hold it together, reach out to us here, and to be open and aware of how you are feeling.

What did you do for Chris today, by the way?

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I remember Dwayne, on this site, after his Paula passed, he would do things for people. He'd go spend time with a lonely friend that was disable, make home repairs for widowed women in his church, joined his church choir, went back to school and became a nurse.

I know you are disabled, but you can still reach out to others with what you CAN do. Even if it's hard to get out, you can call people, be a friend to those who need it. Take up baking...bake something to take to others who could use uplifting.

When my son-in-law lost his job, he was out of work for two years, getting odd jobs here and there. He could have stayed home and felt sorry for himself, which wouldn't have helped his situation, but he started volunteering at the food bank, to pay back some of what had been given to him...he still carries on this volunteer work years after being back to work, using his days off to do so. The point isn't so much WHAT you do, as figuring out that niche for you, what you feel called to do.

My sister no longer drives and has to use a walker, she falls real easy so it's hard for her to get out. But she makes it a point to call our disabled sister every day, and her widowed neighbor, and me...she brightens up other people's lives just by her caring. I try to do the same for those I can reach out to. Sometimes we have only to look around us, beyond our suffering, beyond our lonely existence, to see the needs of others.

[boogieman]

The group meets on Thursday nights. Our daughter is supposed to come by after work today but that all depends. She said she would go with me, but I still have reservations. Opening fresh wounds and raw emotions and such.

No social groups to touch base with. It's way to hot to pursue my hobby and I'm not inclined in that direction right now, yet.

My Paula and I had one other couple we visited with. They are busy with work, their hobbies, their gym schedule, etc. How do I invite myself over for dinner?

I could go to a casual restaurant to kill some time. I still have reservations about being gone from the security of home where My Paula is.

Yesterday I invited myself over to our other daughter's just to get out for a while. Less than an hour there and I felt the strong urge to get back here. Back home, I let myself fall asleep in the afternoon. Not so smart as this really messes up my tentative night sleep. Being exhausted from stress later I went to bed at 10:30 PM. Had troubling dreams. Wide awake at 3:05 AM. Back to sleep. Heard the doorbell again at 3: 55 AM. My Paula checking in on me I'm sure. Back to sleep. Horrible dreams. Awake again at 6:30. Back to sleep. Awake again at 7:15 and again at 9:15. Very restless night with no rest.

Now the prospects of another long lonely day loom. One way or another I have to learn how to cope and deal with all this. All the solutions must come from within for them to ease my troubled mind.

Just as many of you were/are, I am lost , uncertain, tense, edgy, and stressed by this continuing nightmare of an existence. I keep telling myself it has only been 3-1/2 months since My Paula passed but it feels like an eternity ago, yet only yesterday too. Obviously my thought processes have not been able to coherently sort all this out in any sort of rational, meaningful manner. Not to my satisfaction, acceptance, understanding, or manageability anyway.

So I go through the motions. Alone and lonely. I respect those of you who have learned how to deal with this, or just gotten through this so troubling stage of recovery.

So please allow me the imposition of baring my inner strife and turmoil here with you who have traveled this road.

Good point KayC. I am so uncertain about reaching out to others when I am still so very broken myself. What could I possibly offer to others when I can't even get a grip on my troubles?

Chris

[Queeniemary]

Chris, I do understand the long periods between contact with family members, I have some of that also, even though my daughter lives here in my town. She works, and although I see her often, it is not often enough. I don't know your circumstances, or disability. Do you have pets of any kind. I know that my little corgi girls have been lifesavers for me. They give me a purpose to my day, and I talk to them. If you like animals, and don't already have one, that might be a possibility. Me with my Corgis Faith and Sassy, Mary with her Bentley, Anne with Benji and Kay with Arlie. There are many others here as well who have turned to our fur friends for company. Just a suggestion if you are so inclined.

Reading is a big thing for me, I have always been a voracious reader. It sure can help pass some of the time. I am not real big on TV, but I do watch that some.

Mike and I were both involved in community theatre, and I have continued with that, and still love it. I will be directing a comedy starting in August, which will be presented in September. That also helps keep me a little busy. I agree that being alone and lonely is the pits, it just brings home what you are missing so very much, in my case Mike, in your case Paula.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

You don't invite yourself for dinner, you have a barbeque and invite them over. Sometimes it helps to have someone else there to help entertain them while you're tending the meal, but if it's a barbeque, they can all be out back while you're slinging hamburgers or whatever.

Opening wounds is the only way towards healing them. Ignore them and they don't get better, they fester. Don't back out now, go through with this!

You ask what you have to offer others when you're still so broken yourself...caring. There are so many others in the same boat and our tendency is to isolate ourselves. Wouldn't it be nicer if we reached out to each other so none of us would feel quite so alone? Married couples tend to fill those needs in each other so when we're married, it's easy to get in the habit of nesting in our homes, but once our spouse dies, our very home seems isolated/lonely. After much passage of time it seems to pass some, but as Marty's pointed out, it's not time that heals so much as what we do with it.

[boogieman]

Another interminably long lonely day for me today. I was so looking forward to the children coming by this afternoon. Emily called as she was leaving work late and had to meet clients for a real estate showing. She will be showing property all day tomorrow too. Might see her late in the day if possible. Sales always increase just before school starts back this month here.

Greg was going to stop by on his way home if he could get off early. He and Bobbie were going to the airport to pick-up their daughter Chrissie after a week in Belize on a missions trip. So it looks like I won't see them today either.

I am very proud of their dedication and hard work. But I miss the family times together. Honestly, I miss spending time with anybody.

I miss My Paula.

It is Friday and everyone needs time to unwind from another long hot week. It has ben 101*-103* all week. And the forecast calls for 102*-105* for the next full week with heat indexes of 110* + or - a degree or two.

So it looks like a long quiet weekend and next week for me.

I got my blood pressure monitor working again. Has been averaging around 85 over 50 with pulse rate of around 51-52BPM for a few days now. Anyone have any idea what that means? I can't find a definitive answer on the interweb.

It's only 9:15 PM and I am exhausted. Think I'll head off to bed. Nothing else to do.

Chris

[feralfae]

If you don't feel up to inviting people over, another idea is just to call a couple and ask to take them out to dinner, tell them you are lonely. They might offer to have you over, or if not, you can take them out to dinner.

How did the support group meeting go? Did you get there? I don't see any mention of it.

I have had a hard day, as it is the first time I had to use some of Doug's good tools, more than just a pliers or screwdriver. Holding and using his tools, which were last in his hands, has brought a flood of memories. I had to stop a few times. I am still not done with the projects.

Chris, you are doing well and taking it one day at a time. What books on grief are your reading? Marty has some wonderful lists of reading material and so far, I have not found even one that did not help me.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

Chris, please don't blow off the support group, I know you dread going, and dread opening old wounds, however, as Kay said, that is the only way healing will start. The idea of inviting someone over, or inviting them out is good. Most of your friends are probably hesitant to call you, as they are not sure you would welcome it. Try it, if they don't respond, at least you have made the effort. Same with your kids, instead of them just dropping by....plan a specific event, dinner, cookout, or take them out, it might be called "Guilting them", but hey, I have used it. You did not respond about animals...do you have any, or do you have any interest in them. They sure can give you a purpose, and are a lot of company. Harry even has his ground hog, although I don't believe he considers him a pet.

Not trying to tell you what to do (maybe), but concerned, and hoping you will reach out to friends, and the support group. Sometimes you just have to tell people (friends and family) what you need! Oh, Chris, you might want to give your Doctor a call on the blood pressure thing, I don't know enough about it, but if you are concerned, you should check it out.

Now, I am hitting the road, in a big thunderstorm with a friend, to drive to Arrow Rock, MO to the Lyceum theatre to see a young friend in the play the Nerd. Not happy about driving in rain, but hope to run out of it above Springfield. Pray a little for me, I really do not like driving in rain. Also going out to eat after play in a small restaurant in Arrow Rock called Catalpa, which has won awards as best restaurant in MO.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

it might be called "Guilting them", but hey, I have used it.

We all have! It's a parent's prerogative!

[boogieman]

Thank you Fae, Mary, and KayC. All good advice. I have never been particularly interested in pets. My Paula always stated that I was the pet in our house. I long for human companionship, not an obligation to take care of. I'm barely taking care of myself!

Good advice on asking friends over or out. So obvious I hadn't considered that as an option. And "guilting" friends and family is not above me at all. Been there, done that!

I finally spoke to the Grief Counselor this week. Telling her of my reservations about opening raw emotions in group, she tells me this is a very appropriate, acceptable, and understandable reaction. That it might still be too early for me. We are meeting this week for a private session. I look forward to this as I feel comfortable talking with her. The group meeting is one she is familiar with, so she should be able to easy my integration there. At least I am trying!

Doing some reading on low blood pressure addresses a few issues I have experienced. Headaches, tunnel and blurred vision, occasional dizziness, lethargy, sleeplessness, clouded thought processes, lack of concentration, and general malaise are issues I deal with occasionally. Nothing really serious but worth keeping tabs on, which I am doing. A good multi-vitamin might help.

Today is another of those "anniversary dates" we all experience. On this date in 1978, 35 years ago, My Paula and I announced to our respective mates that we were leaving them and starting our new lives' together. What a joyous, rewarding, fulfilling life we shared. Becoming as close as two people could ever become. We shared every aspect of life with open attitudes and a sense of adventure for whatever came along. Overcoming the low times and reveling in the good. Cherishing every single moment. We each became the one person the other wanted, needed, and respected. We became best friends, lovers, confidants, and supportive life companions. We looked no further than to each other in any situation we faced, both good and bad. What a glorious life we shared. All good things must end and so now I go on alone. But I do have the warm, fond, loving, remembrances of our special and cherished lives together. I miss My Paula.

My Paula is the love of my life and I hers. I passionately love My Paula for giving of herself so selflessly to me, for the two of us, and our family. Often graciously sacrificing her personal needs for the betterment of our family. I Love you Dear!

And Mary, being from Arkansas and having family in Fayetteville, I know first-hand how the weather can be. Please be careful on the roads.

Until later,

Chris

[MartyT]

Chris, dear, it's so good to know that you've connected with a grief counselor and that you feel comfortable talking with her. I am very, very proud of you for taking this important step. I think you will find this to be one of the best decisions you could make. And I agree with her statement about joining an in-person support group, as in these early days of your grief journey, your pain may still be too new and too raw for you to feel strong enough to withstand the pain of other mourners in a group setting, much less to offer support to others you will meet there. That strength will come in time, and your grief counselor will help you to know when that sort of group support is appropriate for you. ♥

[mfh]

Dear Chris, Once again I am behind on reading and posting but I did see that you are meeting with your grief counselor who will help you decide when to start the support group and in the meantime you will meet individually with her. That is exactly what I did when Bill died. I was not ready for a group right away. I started about 3 months or so but saw a grief counselor shortly after Bill died (individually). Good for you for being brave and for following up. You will not regret the individual or the group work you are starting. Just wanted to say that. Peace, Mary

[boogieman]

Thank you Marty and Mary. I am cautiously apprehensive about all this. My world is still upside down and I am struggling to maintain, although slightly easier now. I certainly hope I am making the "right" decision here. With no frame of reference I have no way to judge. I just know I miss My Paula terribly.

Chris

[feralfae]

Chris,

I only saw a grief counselor for a while, then she was also leading the group, and so later referred me out to my dear friend (now) who was a grief counselor who lost her husband two years before I lost Doug. She is still my port in any significant emotional storm, and I saw her recently a couple of times because of some family squabbles. If I know you, you are going to feel so much relief from finding and talking privately with someone who can Meet you and Mirror you, and who truly will understand, and help you on your journey through these times of absolute darkness. They know the way.

I was blessed to have been led to such a remarkable grief counselor. I know you will as well. Your Paula is watching out for you, Chris.

Bravo! Well done! You are making great steps forward, one tiny step at a time. In the darkness, it is best to shuffle slowly, I found. Now you will have someone to help you to find your own, unique, and individual path.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

You are on the right path, Chris.

[boogieman]

Yesterday and last night was a hard one. Being the 35th anniversary of My Paula and I starting our lives together. Cried myself to sleep again. Didn't rest well. Another long hot day ahead.

Just realized that not only was yesterday our 35th starting-out together anniversary, Friday was the 3.5 month date of My Paula's passing. I probably shouldn't dwell on these things but can't help myself. This loneliness , sadness, and sorrow is just too hard. I miss my Paula so greatly, and have yet to fully accept that she is no longer here.

I probably never will come to accept that. It hurts too much.

[boogieman]

Has been another extremely long day. Stayed in bed trying to rest without much luck. Was hoping for company today that didn't come.

Checked my blood pressure several times today. Averaging around 71 over 54 with pulse rate of about 50. Seems low but other than loneliness and being so tired from lack of rest I feel OK. I have lost over 40# in the last 6 months too.

Enough of my ramblings

Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Chris.

[feralfae]

Chris,

Your low BP may mean that you are not drinking enough water. Please make sure you are staying very well hydrated. Drink at least 8 glasses of water each day, and also remember to eat some fresh fruit every day.

Try drinking more water and eating regular meals.

fae