I Need Your Help

[mfh]

Chris, I am so glad you are following up. In regards to the support group...I urge you to go at least 3 times to give the group a fair chance. Making a decision on one meeting is usually inadequate. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey. Peace, Mary

[Queeniemary]

Chris, getting affairs in order does take a lot off of your mind. I updated my will, and have all the information my daughter will need immediately should something happen to me, in a folder in the very front of my filing cabinet. And she is aware it is there. It does make you feel better to have things set up.

I am so glad that you are planning to see someone, and are willing to try a support group. That is a good step. A healing step, actually, although healing takes a very long time. I am 3 1/2 years from Mike's death, and still miss him every day, just not with the same gut wrenching feeling I had in the beginning. We all progress differently, but I do feel we all progress. Will I ever be totally healed, probably not, but have learned to live with the pain, and get on with what remains of my life. I do find joy in life, and pleasure in my family and friends, so don't ever give up on life. Will be thinking of you, and sending positive thoughts your way.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[boogieman]

I am keeping all my original documents in a fire-proof storage container. I have also given a copy of everything to my children who live near-by. As I set everything up they both have legal standing to do whatever needs to be attended to under any circumstances. I trust them both implicitly so rest easier knowing I am in good hands.

Thank you all for your continued support. I need all the help I can get.

Chris

[boogieman]

Here's an interesting turn of events. I spoke with the Support group sponsor at the church where the group meets. Turns out our daughter and grand-children once attended that church. I was all set to go to my first meeting tonight. As the time to leave for there approached I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Since last week I have accepted that I will be alone and live alone from now on. This has helped me to adjust to this new reality. The renewed anxiety is from putting myself in the position of acknowledging again the events that brought me to where I am. And I just couldn't face it today. It has only been three months since My Paula passed and I just can't face that right now. It feels too soon, at least to me.

I know there is no "normal" but does this strike a cord with anyone?

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, I think it is common that someone feels anxious before attending their first session. I wish you could have gone...going to a session when one is anxious is actually a good time to go. If it helps, I started attending a support group 3 months after Bill died...that is when Hospice here said was a good time to begin. They did not really encourage people to go at one month but 3 was a good time.

Peace

Mary

[feralfae]

Chris, I too started a support group at about three months. Before that, I was only seeing my grief counselor from Hospice. It was very scary going to a support group. The best part was that there were fresh strawberries and lemonade, GF cookies, a cheese tray, and lots of snacks. We all sat around the table with the snacks on it and ate and smiled and cried together. The treats broke the ice for me, because I had been too far down to pay much attention to food, but one of the counselors there knew I needed gluten-free, and so she brought GF cookies for me before she even really knew me. I felt so loved by that simple gesture.

I was totally scared to go, thinking no one would understand my grief. But many of the people there seemed to "get it" although some were in another place. We listened to each other, taking turns, and just being heard was very helpful. I did not make any long-lasting friends there, but I did meet some nice people. Your mileage may vary -- YMMV

Push through your anxiety if you can, and try to go to just one meeting, then see how you feel when you leave. Next week, try it again. And maybe you will need a different group, but I am with Mary to at least give it three tries.

Good luck to you, I know you are hurting so very much, and that stepping outside the cocoon of safety and your home is not easy to do alone. It took me a while to get up the courage to drive my own car, I was so shaky. I am proud of you for making even the tiniest of steps to do something for yourself. Good for you!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[KarenK]

Chris,

I believe I do understand your feelings. I've not yet taken the first "baby step" to attend a grief session, partly due to conflicting appointments, but also because I don't want to relive the horror of Ron's last month. It is certainly present in my memories, but somehow my mind has allocated a small place inside where this memory lives and does not surface 24/7. Each of us being a different personality experience our grief in different ways, and somehow you will take that first step, because you can. I believe in you.

Perhaps this is irrelevant, but maybe this group is "calling to you" in some unknown way because of the former family connection. I don't know whether this is fate or coincidence, but my daughter had been searching for "something" to help her cope with her terminal cancer. The parking lot of the chuch they had chosen was overcrowded and on the way home, they spied a tiny church. Behind the altar was a paticular painting of Jesus. As she opened the bible that had been my mother's and not opened in decades, a small card fell out with that same picture on it. In her mind, she felt her grandmother had lead her there. That church and it's loving, accepting members, along with her newfound love of her God help her get through each day. She has strong faith and although I do not, it makes me wonder about such things.

Do whatever your heart tells you and know your Paula will always be by your side.

Karen

[boogieman]

Thanks Mary. I did talk to our daughter. She offered to go with me next week. Her dental clinic is less than a mile from the church. I do feel better about that.

I'm still slightly tense but will get calmed down.

Chris

[mfh]

Good Chris. It is normal to be tense. I be worried about you if you were not a bit tense at least...and a lot is quite acceptable. Don't cave into it and allow your daughter to go with you...that was a great idea. Good for you. Peace Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Karen,

The story about the picture and the small card falling from the Bible is beautiful. To my way of thinking, there are no accidents within the Mind of G*d.

I reached a sort of "Occam's Razor" about accidents or no accidents. It seemed to me that either my spirit knew it was part of the Mind of G*d, or it did not know this. Apparently, it knows. Doug and I had both looked for and found our own sufficient proof for knowing.

Today, I have walked around outside, opened up my home, begun to open and arrange my studio, and I am feeling safe. It is a wonderful feeling, and I can feel peace beginning to soften the edges of my defenses. A soft, fluffy cloud of peace. Who knew being a Light-bearer was such challenging work ? We all deserve Gold Cups.

I think I have shined enough light that they will stay away. This healing is just going to take some time, but now I have more room to be gentle with myself, compassionate, patient, and let myself heal in the flow of life. Walls are tumbling down. I am beginning to take the good, and feel that I can trust myself to handle the bumps and bluffs. I will ease back into things slowly, probably start visiting the Holter and helping out there one afternoon a week. And I am calling a luncheon of the club I founded here for women. I don't know why no one else called for one, except that I always have done it these many years.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

I am so glad to hear your daughter will be going with you. I am also very happy that you are able to recognize and articulate that you need all the emotional support you can get. We need our time of tears and deep sorrow, to share our love and its pain with the Universe. If we had not loved so much, we would not have such pain.

I believe it is worth it. I know you do as well. All the love you and Your Paula had together is still there, and now it is time for you to express that love for yourself, so that you can begin to find some peace and balance for a little while each day. Then you can meditate sometimes, and that will help to ease your mind and reduce the anxiety.

There are many steps on this path, and we are all here to help you, to share our experiences, and to listen when you need to be heard.

Peace to you this night and always.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

One of the things I've learned in my life is that to face my fears and go straight through them is better than letting them hold me hostage. I do understand your anxiety because I have GAD. It helped me greatly when the doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medicine for me, just to take the edge off. I had to research it and tell him what to prescribe because what he had wasn't right for me. Yours may be situational, which is different, but if it's frequent or if you were prone to it before Paula's death, then it may be a disorder that needs addressed. I think meditation helps greatly too. Ask any of these ladies!

I'm glad your daughter will be going with you at first, that helps!

[Queeniemary]

Chris, I also am glad that your daughter will go with you to the first session. And I am so glad that you have reached out to her for this. I had a little different situation. I have three close friends that lost their spouses before Mike died. Dana lost her husband 9 months before Mike died, Tom lost his wife 4 months before Mike died. We were all friends, and all involved in community theatre. About 2 or 3 months after Mike died, we started getting together monthly, and have become our own little support group. We are still meeting, even though Dana is now engaged. We have cried, gotten drunk a time or two, cooked, watched movies, but mainly talked because we each knew the other two understood what we were going through. I am very fortunate in having this little group, and I know it. I am also very fortunate in having found this forum at about three months after Mike died, the people on here have been lifesavers for me.

Will be thinking of you, and wishing strength for you and peace for you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Dear Karen, this came in this morning as an email from the TUT site and I thought of you:

Those little things that you alone see, fae, aren't by chance.

The sign, the squirrel, the dragonfly; the whisper, the song, the lily.

It's me. I'm always with you. I'll do anything to reach you -- to give you hope, keep you on track, answer your questions.

Look even closer,
The Universe

[KarenK]

Thank you, Fae. My daughter was especially close to her grandmother, who was also a person of faith, so this could very well have been a sign from her.

I, myself, have really had no "sign" from Ron. Partly, I guess because he would be so angry at me for selling his tools and much loved collectibles. I have a terrible sense of guilt in doing so, but I must do what I have to in order to survive. Or, maybe I do not have a "receptive" soul. That's probably the wrong terminology. His last months were so filled with anger at everything and everyone, partly due to his illness, so maybe he does not feel peaceful, if he feels anything at all. All of it is beyond my comprehension.

I am nevertheless, happy for each of you that have a "connection" to your departed loved ones.

Karen

[feralfae]

Karen,

I think something brought you here, and made you decide to stay and become a part of this loving place.

I think your having things to sell is one way Ron could continue to take care of you, and I imagine he is very happy about that.

I think you are right where you are supposed to be today, and that tomorrow is an unopened gift to us all. We will see what it brings, for it seems so much is going on among us that I can barely keep up with it all! This is a very busy place!

I am so glad you are with us.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[boogieman]

I'm really tired from this roller-coaster. Feeling very sad and lonely today. Just can't get over it. This all started Thursday regarding the group meeting. Haven't felt quite right since then. I know I am missing My Paula so greatly. These long weekends really take a lot of energy just to get through. I haven't seen a friendly face since last Wednesday evening. Including tomorrow that will be 4 days at least without contact. Seems like an eternity when I am so alone and lonely. Not much to do as it is so hot here, again. Maybe a nap is in order.

Never-mind me. I'm just sad and unhappy with the world right now.

Chris

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

Can you just go to a coffee shop, or a Perkins or someplace, and get a paper so you can hide, and just sit and have a cup of coffee or tea, and maybe a bit to eat, and just listen to other voices. You will have a feel of other humans, with minimal interaction.

But you will need to talk with the waitresses or someone. Just know that Your Paula is watching and with you, right there next to you, and you can feel other people around you for a while. It might help.

fae

[mfh]

Chris, grief is exhausting hence the need to take care of yourself as it tires you like nothing else. I lost track due to my surgery on Wednesday...did you go to the support group? The roller coaster ride we are on does get easier with bumps along the way like starting a support group or eye surgery or anniversaries. It does get easier to carry this pain. Peace to your heart, Mary

[boogieman]

Mary, hope your surgery was successful. As the time for me to leave for the meeting neared I had an anxiety attack that I am just now getting over. I can't explain why except that possibly facing the reality of this horror was potentially too much too soon for me to publically acknowledge. I really don't know. So for my own peace of mind and safety of others on the road I didn't go. I spoke to both our daughters later and they both said they would go with me next week. They are still reconciling this life-changing event too.

As for today, I realize I was susceptible to my emotions due to stress. I need to sell My Paula's vehicle in order to get the funds to our youngest son as they are under time constraints. I did all I could today due to the heat then took a decent rest break this afternoon. Maybe not the prescribed treatment but it seemed to work for me. Oh, and I made a pan of Brownies and had one too. I'll have to remember that! I do feel somewhat less panicky and rested now.

As nothing is "normal" I guess I'll have to devise my own temporary escape mechanisms. At least I'm trying!

I still miss My Paula, but not to the extreme of earlier.

Chris

[MartyT]

Good for you, Chris ~ You're not only trying, you're taking action by making plans and finding ways to manage your reactions. You're learning effective ways to gain a sense of control over your grief, rather than letting it seem as if your grief has control of you.

You might find some of the suggestions in this article to be helpful as well: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

[feralfae]

Marty, thank you for the links to the meditations for Anxiety attacks, a few of which I have been having of late. They are diminishing, though.

Thank you for everything, actually.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

I am so very proud of you! You are trying, and that is so important. I know what it is to feel that enormous sense of "missing him", it doesn't leave, but the coping with it does eventually get better. In the beginning, I couldn't even bear to get groceries. Baking brownies and having one is a way of providing comfort to yourself, and that self-care is so important.

[boogieman]

It's late and I can't sleep. I hate to impose on any of you but I need to express to someone how much I love My Paula and how sad and lonely I am without her.

"I love you. I miss you Dear. I am still so passionately in love with you I ache from your absence. I am trying so very hard to adjust to life without you. I don't feel that I am making much progress but I sure am trying. Life without you is so flat and hollow. I long for the mere sound of you breathing ever so quietly. Watching you sleep. Our intimate conversations. Our simply being together. Sharing any and all aspects of our lives together. You are the absolute best thing to ever happen to me. And now you are gone. And I am alone. I cry myself to sleep more nights than you know, including tonight. I miss you. I love you Dear."

Chris

[kayc]

Oh Chris, how many times we've cried those same words! I looked up (on the wall) at a picture of George last night, and thought how very handsome he was, and how much I miss our life together. How much I miss his holding me.