I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Today is the day I have feared and dreaded so greatly. Three months since My Paula passed at 3:00 AM this morning. I somehow managed to sleep through that unthinkable hour this morning. Now I find pain, loneliness, and sorrow waiting for me. Deeper sorrow that when this nightmare first unfolded. All so very painful, raw, and jagged.

I have to somehow find the strength and will to get through this day. I have no desire to do so. No energy. This lonely existence is too hard for me. Every day a struggle just to face that day.

I have to go now. I can't see the keyboard any longer.

[mfh]

Chris, I know you are reliving Paula's death today as many of us do on anniversaries. We are with you.

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

We are here with you, holding you in our hearts and sending you wishes for peace. These anniversaries are so terribly hard on our hearts.

Peace to your heart, dear Chris.

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

Thinking of you today and praying somehow that your faith will speak to you and help you through this day. I also hope that your efforts toward your son will see fruition. Be easy on yourself, I know this is tough. Maybe call and make an appt. to see someone, even if the appt. isn't until next week.

[boogieman]

Apparently GOD does work in mysterious ways. And I say this with all humility. On this day which I feared and dreaded so much I got a very welcomed surprise. Our middle grand-son spent the last day of his leave before going back to Ft. Bragg for training prior to deployment to Afghanistan here with me. We shared the time working on My Paulas Explorer so I can sell it for our youngest son Bradley. It helped me immensely and the bonding was fantastic. DIL Bobbie called several times to check on me. At 5:30 Chrissie our oldest grand-daughter showed up for a visit. What an unexpected surprise. At 6;30 her brother Ronnie , oldest grand-son, showed up too. He brought burgers and tacos for us for dinner. Another welcomed surprise. We had a wonderful visit. What a wonderful family I have for them to rally around me in this time of great need. I know Bobbie coordinated it and I thank her for it. I'm also thinking My Paula was instrumental in planting that seed on my behalf. Being surrounded by my loving and caring family, I had no time to dwell on the obvious. I thank them all for their sacrifice of their time for me. And My Paula was here all day long. Here in the embrace of our family for me. So instead of having a very bad day, I had a very good one. I will grieve for My Paula in private tonight.

"THANK YOU DEAR-I LOVE YOU TOO"

[mfh]

Yes, this journey is not all bad...it is filled with surprises and with people who love us...I am so glad your day was so good. Mary

[enna]

Chris, I am so glad that you experienced a good day. I really believe that joy and sorrow make us grow into the beautiful people we are meant to be. Grief is hard work and it requires us to accept both the happiness and the sadness when it comes. One day you will begin to see more of the happy times but right now you are too early in your grief to see anything but the deep pain you are experiencing because of your Paula's death. When those little joys come into your life hold on to them for they are meant to give you the strength you will need on this journey. Joy and pain do go togehter. anne

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief When you allow yourself to feel deep pain, to go down into the valley of the shadow, you also open yourself to eventually feeling deep joy. In other words, your pain has a purpose. The opposite, truncating your emotional life, works both ways. Even as you protect yourself from feeling pain, you stop yourself from feeling joy. The purpose of feeling the entire range of your emotional world is that it is part of the richness of being alive. Tara Brach

[kayc]

Chris,

I am so glad your grandson chose to spend his last free day with you. And all of the family that showed up, that's wonderful! You have family that loves and cares for you, and that's what it takes to see us through the hard days.

I agree with what Anne wrote, and couldn't have worded it better.

[boogieman]

Another day. Stayed busy most of the day yesterday. Pined for My Paula last night. Worked on the Explorer this morning. Too hot to be out now. Might work on my will this afternoon. Too many long days with little to do.

After giving it a lot of thought and retrospection I realize part of my issues. I don't know how to live alone. I don't want to live alone. Except for a few years in college and a few years before I met My Paula I have never had to live alone. After 35 years with my Paula I find this new life daunting, even frightening to some extent. I certainly don't like it. I certainly can't accept the manner in which I was forced into this existence. I resent it adamantly.

Thinking of some of us here, and other friends and family I know who are living alone due to circumstances beyond our control, I see the pervasive sadness in us all to some extent. Some more than others, but there in all of us none-the-less. The joy of life diminished in us all. The constant human contact with one special person missing. Surely there are ways and means to fill-in this need to some extent, and most find that to some measure or another. But the daily, hour-to-hour connection, that longing to be linked directly to another, is apparent by its missing status in our lives. Kudos to those who have managed to rise above this to whatever extent you have been able. For some of us though, being relegated to a solitary lonely life is to be condemned to a life lacking. Merely going through the motions of living is not a life enjoyed. I see and hear the constant pain in us.

So here we are. Untold millions of us wandering around lost and lonely. Being relegated to this is heart-breaking, sad, and cruel.

I respect and admire those able to come to terms with this and find some happiness by whatever means possible. For the remainder of us my heart-felt sympathy abounds. I don't know how to live this way. I don't want to live this way.

Chris

[kayc]

It does take a good long while to get used to it, I'll grant you that. But as we adjust our focus/attitude, it helps. Now I think I'd find it hard to live with someone else...I've gotten rather used to the peacefulness of being alone...knowing what is in the refrigerator, no surprise messes, knowing exactly what's in the bank and what bills are coming, etc. However, I'd scoot over in a heart beat if only George could come back.

[Wifflesnook]

I would rather be alone if I can't be with Pete Chris. That is my conclusion but its a hard one. And when I am alone I can feel nearest to him, but it isn't enough. :-(

[KATPILOT]

I hear that KayC. I'd rather be poorer than a church mouse if Kathy were just here. And Jan, I feel the same way. I can go out with friends and family. I even like to have them over, but when they leave and I'm home alone, I feel her and I'm back where I belong. Chris, you will find yourself evolving. We all change with time. Even when we had our wives and husbands with us, we were always changing. It's called growth.

After two and a half years, I can see how I've adapted. I'm not saying it is a great life, just saying it's different and a bit more tolerable. I still hurt sure. I wake up in the night and realize I've been crying in my sleep but it happens less all the time.

For some, like my dad, they marry again............. partly because they just can't live alone, and sometimes because fate brought them to meet someone they were always supposed to meet. I remember when Kathy and I would be waiting for her radiation treatments at the Mayo, we met a couple who were in the same boat as us. They had been married before and met while they were with their former spouses in radiation treatments. Both of their spouses died and they ended up together. That's what I mean by fate.

The point of my story is that we just have to evolve. We must adapt, that is nature. For me, I know I will never marry again. I find peace alone and cannot bring another into my life which will be shared with Kathy for all eternity. It still sucks and I hate it. the simple fact is that I'm stuck with it.

Remember this, Life is difficult. Once we accept that fact, we can get busy living.

Stephen

[boogieman]

Maybe so. Maybe so. I know I'm completely frustrated and defeated from this lonely existence. Too many hours in the day, not enough to do or desire to do it.

I do know I finished my will today. Arranged for co-owner/co-signer of my finances. Got all the POA's done. Another step closer to My Paula.

Today was the 3 month anniversary of My Paula's memorial service. I felt nothing. Completely numb. I should have felt SOMETHING!

The highs are fewer and farther apart, the lows longer and deeper. I miss my wife.

[kayc]

What do you mean by "another step closer to my Paula"?

[enna]

Chris, our grief does just what you are expressing, "the highs are fewer and farther apart, the lows longer and deeper" - you are on that roller coaster that is talked about - remember, your feelings are just that - 'feelings' and it is all perfectly 'normal' - you have lost the love of your life and are learning how to go on -

I found an e-course by our moderator, Marty, very helpful to me as I journeyed through this grief of ours - sometimes it is good to have the help of others to guide us through - you may want to look into it and see if there is something there for you

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/courses/coping-with-loss%C2'>

Have you sought out a bereavement counselor yet? You mentioned that you felt nothing on the 3 month anniversary of the memorial of your Paula - this is another thing that is very 'normal' in our grief - we are often protected from so many things about the death of our loved one mainly to protect us. That is why we hear that this journey takes time - there is no time limit - tomorrow we are not going to wake up and feel all better! Keep working on this, Chris, and you will be better able to cope. You are doing one brave thing by being here. We are not strangers to this journey. We all know what is happening. We are here to walk with you but it is your journey and you must continue to 'work' on it even when you are tired and that feeling of emptiness takes over. It only takes over in your mind. Soon, you will be focused more on the wonderful things about your life with Paula. It will happen. Anne

[boogieman]

Being less than openly honest is lying to myself and dishonest to the spirit of this forum. There are several issues tying me to this existence. My will-done. My POA's -done. My financial matters -done. My Mother is 84 and in poor health- pending. The issues concerning our youngest-working. My in-laws - tentative. Our 2 older children - they are stable and accountable. The house - paid for. My loneliness and despair - constant. My future - murky and clouded at best. My friends - tentative at best. Not having enough money - frightening. Not being able to be emotional over the loss of My Paula - deeply disturbing. Loving and longing to be with My Paula - constant and deepening.

In short, very few IMPORTANT issues remain to connect me to this sad, lonely, existence. I feel the weight and sadness of all this increasing slowly but surely.

I often feel like a marionette. Someone else is controlling the strings. I perform when it is convenient to others. Depending on others to do for me what I can't do is disappointing at best. It leaves me so very vulnerable. Helpless. I feel so totally abandoned and alone. Alone and now seemingly unemotionally attached to even My Paula. And I absolutely hate this. I have no skills, no desire, or inner drive to live this life of sadness, misery, loneliness, and despair one minute longer than absolutely necessary.

I have expressed these thoughts on more than one occasion. It is no surprise to me to find myself here again. As I said before, the highs lessen, the sorrow deepens. I just don't see a way forward that is satisfactory to even the slightest extent. My family who I love deeply, and most of my friends, are pulling-back from me. I know it is natural and expected. That does nothing to make it acceptable. I feel more isolated and lonely on a daily basis. I almost beg for contact, a visitor, a phone call from someone, anyone, that just doesn't come. I have no idea what to do to live with this. Nothing in my life fulfills any of my longings. The occasional visits, although welcomed and appreciated, are not enough to sustain me between times. Times between that are increasing in duration.

And, no, I haven't contacted a counselor. Was going to last week but I always found a means of avoiding that. Things like grieving, worry, indecision, stress, uncertainty, loneliness, sadness, there are none close to my location, etc. Please believe me when I say I have given this a LOT of thought. I have plenty of time for that.

The main issue now is my uncertainty with myself as to why I did not become emotional this past week, the 3 month dates of loosing My Paula. Not only have I lost respect for myself, I have to seriously question my lack of what I consider appropriate response to this most devastating event in my life. I find I came up lacking. I fell short of my expectations of me. I feel I have done My Paula a dis-service. She is deserving of so much more than I was able to express.

So down the rabbit-hole I go, again. Several issues resolved, several more I don't have answers to, several there ARE no answers to. Another step closer to My Paula.

[kayc]

Chris,

With your getting your affairs in order and talking about not having a reason to live one minute longer than necessary without your Paula, I worry you are contemplating suicide. It seems you stop just short of mentioning it aloud. But it's coming through between the lines, loud and clear.

Trust me when I tell you that would be a big mistake...and an undo-able one at that.

You act like there is no one there for you and that is just not true! Your kids and grandkids have been there for you as much as they are able. You tell us when they come over and how nice it is. But of course they can't be there every day, every moment. some of the time belongs to you to learn how to do with it as you will. And you need help with that. That help is found in a grief counselor. We have all told you, repeatedly, to the point where we worry we're nagging you, but it's true, until you make that call, set an appointment, there is nothing that anyone can do for you. YOU need to do this for you! They are trained to lend help and a roadmap so to speak to the grieving, and they will be happy to do so, but they aren't going to come to you, they don't know about you...it's up to you to come to them. Please call and make an appt. Monday! Please promise us you will! At least take that step!

You do have family that cares about you. And I know you have at least one friend you can talk to, because you've told us about him. Call him when you need to.

People's lives get busy with work, chores, house repairs, and their families. Our lives used to be filled with the same. Now we find ourselves alone and we notice the empty void that used to be filled...but it's up to us to do the grief work, to make the effort, to get out of ourselves, out of our house, and make contact with others. I lost my friends the day George died. I could have lamented over it for the next eight years, but the onus is on me to make new contacts, new friends, new activities, no one would do it for me. Some of the friendship I made worked out, some fell by the way, but I can't stop trying, it's up to me to keep going. I know you have the added complications of your disability, but we can never let that stop us. Many here are in the same boat...the physical infirmities may differ, but they exist, and they are hurdles to get through, not stop signs to let us quit.

It is to be expected that you will have so much emotion to work through. You say you've lost respect for yourself...I say that's an inappropriate response. You have way too high expectation for yourself! It's unreasonable! If it were you that died and Paula that lived, would you place that expectation on her? No! You would be understanding of her. Why is it you can't give yourself the same understanding and be gentle and caring of yourself?! Please get some help.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across rather strong, but honestly, Chris, I think you need it...you don't take gentle prods and suggestions, you ignore and procrastinate what you know to be true and right. We care about you, we've lived this grief, we do understand, and we want what is best for you. Do you believe that? Do you think you are the only one who has experienced profound grief? Do you think somehow that you alone cannot survive this devastating blow to your life? Because I'm here to tell you that each of us have, and we have felt just as you have felt.

I am afraid that when you say "another step closer to my Paula" you are referring to your own impending death. Please tell me I am wrong.

[boogieman]

No Kay, you aren't wrong. I prefer to not call suicide a suicide. The word is so harsh and cold. So indifferent. I think of it as an escape. A release. I think about it constantly. I don't want to be forced to live like this. I am sure there are statistics somewhere showing that a percent of people in my exact same situation choose to take matters into their own hands rather than be left to the horrors I now face. I certainly know I'm not the first, the last, the exception, or the only one. That isn't a convincing argument at all. Yes it is undo-able. Maybe my loss is greater to me. Probably not, but mine is the one I am forced to face. If I am so important to those around me where are they when I need them? Where is my importance to them? What is my obligation to them when I have no life at all? Nothing to contribute to them or me? I can go for days, 5 now, without seeing a single face. 5 days of little sleep, stress, uncertainty, loneliness, of not wanting to do this any more, aching only to be with My Paula at any cost. And the cost to me I see as minor compared to what I will gain. In a " High risk-High reward" world what do I really have to loose?

I know I have gone on about this before. Slowly but surely I am removing the hindrances that have been holding all this at bay. The damn is starting to crack and me along with it. Right now I relish the idea of NO MORE PAIN. I don't see this move as an ending as much as a new beginning. A new beginning with My Paula.

[kayc]

Chris,

I strongly urge you to get professional help. If you won't do it for yourself, please do it for your family. Your family is trying to be there for you but people have to work and do chores, you know? Your loss is no greater or lesser than any of our losses, and I know many of us felt that urge in the beginning...but we didn't act upon it. I will say this: Suicide is the most selfish act anyone can make. It hurts families beyond belief. They face the compounded grief of not just losing the one parent, but now the remaining one. They feel tremendous guilt, the what ifs, and it's unfair. I can't believe Paula would want you to do that! She loved her kids and grandkids too! Have you thought of how it would affect your grandson when he's deployed? How would he do his job? It could make life and death difference to his focus! I don't think you are thinking clearly, most grievers cannot think clearly the first year at least! I could not. But I knew this, I did not want to hurt my kids, my sisters, even my crazy mom. And what if, just what if you faced eternity separated from Paula because of it? That's not my belief, but it's plenty of people's, and what if my belief is wrong and theirs is right? That isn't a risk I was willing to take. You have plenty to lose and who is to say it will release you from pain? How can you say with absolute certainty what would happen as a result of that choice? Don't your kids deserve to have you talk it over with them before making such an irreversible decision/act?

We have had some people here that have lost their spouses to suicide, I can't begin to tell you the hell it put them through. Do you think so little of your family that you could do that to them? Whatever we do, it doesn't just affect us. How would Paula feel about that?

You can call it anything you want, suicide by any other name is still suicide.

[boogieman]

And an early good morning. As usual, I couldn't sleep last night, again. I call from 2:00AM till 5:00AM a nap. But this is usual for me. Such is my existence. Your comment regarding religious aspects I have addressed many times. I have heard the conflicting arguments. Never an agreement much less a consensus. Even different branches of Christianity have diametrically opposed views. So, if a person has to go only on what that person believes then that is his/her reality. Opinions are like belly-buttons. Everyone has one. Given that, what makes one more valid than another? And that is certainly an argument that has raged for millennia. Still no answer. I have talked to my children on this exact subject. Our youngest, in his animosity towards me, calls it a hollow threat not to be taken seriously. The older two have very little to say in that regard. They are as bewildered and dumb-founded as I am. Of course they want this to not happen. I know this is hard on everyone involved. As hard as this might be for them, consider just how hard this is for me. I'm the one facing this unimaginable devastation for the rest of my life. I have to live with the absolute loneliness every hour of every day for who knows how long. I don't just need a companion to spend time with. I need My Paula and her only. I am certainly intelligent enough to know that can't be. So the only solution is for me to be where she is. If that doesn't work out, what have I actually lost except the abject misery of existence as it is now? I risked everything once before for her. I am more than willing to risk it all again for her. The blissful joy I found in My Paula far outweighs anything this cruel existence has to offer. Not only am I willing to reach for that state, I long and ache for just that.

Just as before when I was trying so hard to reach our youngest and the computer imploded 3 times, I knew it was My Paula keeping me from sending that message at that time. If this isn't what My Paula wants for me she will intercede on my behalf. As I asked before, what if the answer to the question..."What would Paula want you to do?" is..."I want you here with me". Since no one has even a clue as to a definite answer, I must conclude this answer is as correct as any other.

These and hundreds of other unanswered questions plague me constantly. I search for answers to find none, or at best, conflicting views. No matter what, someone is right, someone is wrong. Yin and yang.

Selfish? Possibly. I choose to think my constant drain on all those around me would/could be lessened. "Their" inconvenience abated. "They" want me to hang around for "their" peace-of-mind, but put me on the back burner so to speak. I understand and accept that. This is the plight of the lonely and aged in our society. Being put-out-to-pasture isn't nearly as romantic as it sounds. We/I need a definite purpose in life. "Hanging around" isn't it. My Paula was my purpose.

Nothing is going to happen today. There are still several legal issues I have to investigate and resolve. There are documents to be created and signed, and other arrangements to be made. I am putting a great deal of thought and preparedness into this matter. In fact, this effort gives me something constructive to do. Something to look forward to. For me, dealing with my demons means facing them toe-to-toe.

As it is said ..."A rose called by any other name would still smell as sweet".

I do appreciate your concerns. I do appreciate a lively debate, too.

[MartyT]

My dear Chris, as I read each of your posts in this thread (which is entitled "I Need Your Help") as well as the responses you've received, it is not clear to me exactly what it is you're looking for from us. If it is merely, as you say, our expressions of concern as well as "a lively debate," I can only hope that you are finding what you seek. If it is to talk you out of choosing suicide as a viable option for easing the pain of grief, I must remind you that ours is not a suicide prevention helpline, and I strongly advise you to seek professional help immediately. If you are in fact contemplating suicide, we can only empathize with you, share with you how we're "hearing" your anguish, and refer you to what may be more appropriate resources for you. This site is not intended for individuals who are in crisis and actively contemplating suicide. If you're thinking of suicide, read this first. If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop whatever you're doing now and telephone 911 or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

I hope that your love for your children and theirs for you will be enough for you to reconsider what you may be planning. I just read a post on the Widow's Voice blog that made me think of you. It is written by a woman whose husband completed suicide three years ago. I invite you to read it, in hopes that it will give you a sense of the devastation left behind when a person chooses suicide as an option: A Case of the Bothers

[feralfae]

Thank you Marty. You are a true pro.

Chris, listen to Marty, please.

fae

[kayc]

I am not interested in debate. I asked you to consider how this would impact your children and if you'd fully discussed it with them. Your response is that you don't really care what your children think. I don't care what you or I think religiously, what if we're wrong and what if you're damning yourself to hell for eternity while Paula exists in heaven? By the time you find out the answer to that, it will be too late...that is not a risk I would consider taking. Eternity is a very long time...no end.

You will think what you will think and embark on whatever you decide upon and none of us can change your mind. I wanted to give you some thoughts to ponder before making such an irretrievable move, but you seem bent on what you want, without regard to how it will affect your children or grandchildren. Do you remember "It's a Wonderful Life"...it is true for each of us, that if any one of us is removed before our time, it will affect those we love and so many more, we can't even possibly know how many and to what extent, but it is great. You didn't answer what I pointed out about your grandson, but it seems not to matter to you.

Marty gave you some excellent links to read, I hope you will read them. What all of us have tried to tell you is you need to give it time and see it through. No one loves anyone any more than George and I love each other...people used to stare at us because our love was so apparent, and that will never change even if I can't reach him or talk to him, he is in my memory and in my heart. But I'm hanging in there until the day the good Lord decides it's time that we can be together again. And my kids spend less time with me than yours do with you, but I understand that they have jobs, schooling, chores, spouses...that does not mean I don't matter to them or that they don't love me...nor does it mean they would not be greatly affected for the rest of their lives if I were to commit suicide. I would not do that to them, I love them more than that. I can't believe, as a mother, that Paula doesn't care about her children either.

[enna]

Marty said it best, Chris. This is not a suicide site. I for one am not interested in debating the issue of suicide. My personal opinion about that is not up for discussion here. Get help. We who are here have struggled for days, months, or years with the death of a loved one. It tears us apart to be without the ones we have loved but we are all working on accepting what has happened to us. None of us want to be here but this place is a support group to help us understand how we are going to find happiness again without the ones we have loved. And we hold onto the hope that we will find happiness because that is what we chose.

Our close bonds with one another on this site is to encourage one another, to understand one another, to talk about how difficult life has been for us, to share our struggles, to share our worries, to share our joys. We have all gone through horrible losses and none of us are talking about ending our lives. If it does comes into our thoughts (which is normal) we brush them aside and move through this grief. It takes courage. It takes work. Suicide is a chicken’s way out. If that is your choice then in my opinion this is not the site for you. My prayer this morning is that you find that courage you will need to hold dear to your heart your family and all who mean something to you. You can do this. Anne

[boogieman]

Apologies for the "debate" comment. I certainly have no desire to offend. I apparently have crossed some sort of invisible line here. Lets talk about grief. Lets support each other. Lets share our pain. Lets bare our inner souls to each other. I honestly feel the way I feel. In MY grief this feeling is often there. It does come and go but is not to be ignored. I feel ostracized by my expressing my most inner deepest thoughts regarding MY raw fresh open wound of pain. Am I to understand that none of you EVER expressed these same feelings? You have NEVER had these thoughts? This has NEVER been aired on this forum? Am I the only one daring enough to broach this subject? The only one willing to openly admit this? If so, I find that hard to believe. My understanding of a "forum" is a place to openly, honestly, bring private and public issues before a group for "discussion'. The exchange of ideas and opinions lead to debates. And debate is what moves the discussion forward.

Maybe my open acknowledgement has struck a nerve of this forum. A subject we all wrestle with but few are willing to openly admit. I look at issues from MY unique perspective. I don't necessarily "contemplate" anything. But to completely ignore the possibilities is naïve in every sense of the word.

I come here seeking counsel for a deeply troubling issue. An issue that is plaguing me. Have I offended the sensibilities here?

Being turned away and rebuffed certainly point in that direction. As previously stated, "I Need Your Help", not your condemnation for expressing My thoughts. I don't want or need anyone to talk me into or out-of anything. I had hoped to find a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to lean on in these oh so difficult times. Am I wrong?