I Need Your Help

[mfh]

fae, I am glad you are laughing....a nice respite, eh??

Kay...Arlie leapt through your screen??? What next? My friend's dog did that once...a window screen and he was a St. Bernard...

You are good for FAR MORE than a laugh!

[mfh]

Chris, I'm with fae...do get some support. When Bill died I did individual grief counseling, joined a Hospice support group and came here...we all need others at these times and we need those who know the turf.

[enna]

It is good that we can laugh at times.

Screen jumping - I think I mentioned before that when Benji first visited my granddog, Fred, at his house, Benji was so excited that he when right through the screen leading to the patio and took it right off the rollers! Nothing broke - including Benji.

Life is full of surprises.

I knew I had heard the term 'abler soul' before - brought me back to Shakespeare and Donne studies. John Donne mentions 'abler soul' in his work: The Ecstasy. We are here for you, Chris. Many of us were fortunate to have that special love Joyce mentioned in her post to you. Anne

[kayc]

I think it is those "abler souls" that are here on this site. I have met a couple of widows that were "glad to have the old coot gone"...they aren't usually the ones that visit these sites...here it is the ones that had their soul mates and best friend. The deeper they were carved into our hearts, the tougher this aftermath is.

Yeah, Arlie took it out once before, also the ones on my old truck (in the canopy). Skye took out the brand new window my son had just put in his place (window was open, screen was shut, but he damaged the casing as well)...and he's a dog that can't even walk! Poor Skye, landed below, outside, and couldn't even hobble off, now THAT'S pathetic! If I had new screen material I could put it in myself but will probably just take it to the builder supply and let them do it as they have a table for it and tools...

[mfh]

I think it is those "abler souls" that are here on this site. I have met a couple of widows that were "glad to have the old coot gone"...they aren't usually the ones that visit these sites...here it is the ones that had their soul mates and best friend. The deeper they were carved into our hearts, the tougher this aftermath is.

Kay, I agree...there are many abler souls here...It is so difficult for me to see someone who has lost a spouse and who does not feel as deeply as I do because it tells me that person was never gifted and blessed with what so many here have experienced...I will gladly take this kind of gut wrenching pain if that is what it cost to have what Bill and I had (and have).

[feralfae]

Amen Mary.

And yet, as we will all probably agree, we can trust a G*d who brought us the miracle of our beloved, and that trust can last even through all this pain. When I think of how our love, I truly do believe it was a miracle.

I am going out to forage the internet for more on abler souls.

fae

[feralfae]

Oh, Anne, I know that poem! Thank you. I read it, and realized I knew it from other readings. Donne was such an admirable painter with words. More than a poet, he could refine a sense to pinpoint the subtlest of emotional shifts and states. What a gift to humanity!

Thank you for sharing.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Donne was among my findings today also. I love Donne's poetry. I order two of Boros books...used...

As for Donne, we all know this one and it is applicable here to this group:

No Man Is An Island

No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were:
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.

John Donne

[boogieman]

Thank you Joyce and welcome here. I appreciate your support.

Oh my friends. This is killing me! I read your words of support and encouragement and appreciate them and the thoughts behind them. But the reality is so much harsher. Consistantly applying these to daily life is THE MOST difficult endeavor I have ever had the misfortune to undertake. What might provide slight comfort one day is completely inefective the next. So every day is dealing with the unbearable pain and looking for another outlet, too.

My Paula was a para-legal. She knew the law. We had all the required survivorship paperwork in hand. I realize I now need a will which is so much more technical and important. My Paula isn't here to tell me the proper wording and structure for maximum benefit for our/my heirs. Time is so very important now. I feel I have little or no time to waste.

I need to have co-signers established for all my financial matters, too. This takes time, effort, legal manuvering, documents, and notarizations. All time consuming.

And soon I must dissapoint our youngest son in Mass. I can't afford to help him financially as he presently needs.

Trying desperately to find a means to do so, I discover that with 3 years of medical/hospital/home-care nursing/monthly insurance premiums/co-pays/testings/MRI'S/CT'S/PET scans/surgeries/Dr's fees/surgical fees/ambulance fees/our house, and a myriad of other out-of-pocket expenses we are responsable for app. $120,000 out of our life savings. 3 months later and the bills keep coming!

Now to NOT be able to help our youngest son in his great time of need is overwhelming.

Someone is going to be hurt and disappointed no matter what I do. I don't see an out.

I still passionately love My Paula. I miss her as so few can comprehend. I desperately need to be with her.

Welcome to MY world.

Chris

[DeeU]

Dear Chris, It sounds like you feel torn apart with handling several compelling things: completing legal documents, handling medical bills, and helping your son....all without your beloved team mate in life, Paula. Of course you miss her loving and wise input, counsel, comfort....Hopefully, your son will understand that you cannot help him financially right now, even though you would like to. Have confidence that he will find a solution to his problem. You can only do what you can....with grief, energy is low.....concentration is difficult....patience is thin....Be gentle with yourself. You are doing your best. Dee (Bereavement Counselor)

[mfh]

Chris, Reading your post brought back memories of not so long ago when Bill died and I had a similar list along with poor concentration, no energy and a flood of tears. It is all vague now though at the time i thought I would never forget. Still in a fog,it somehow got done. I share this to let you know that I do understand those feelings of being so overwhelmed with things you really do not even want to do...wills, savings accounts, life insurance and more. I am so sorry you are so overwhelmed and distraught. I do know those feelings too well and most, if not all of us here, do also. You are not alone with them. I remember re-doing my will and breaking down in the lawyer's office. I remember putting together the next issue of my publication and to this day I do not know how it got done. Then there was dealing with death certificates, checking accounts and more. Somehow Chris, by taking these things one at a time and working on it slowly you WILL get to the end of the list. It will take some time because like all of us, your mind is not in the best shape these days. Exhaustion and sadness have moved in to your brain and body. The pile of bills sounds foreboding, of course, and i do hope over time some of that hospital debt will be forgiven. It can happen. A friend of mine who had no insurance and was 4 months under age 65 when she had a heart attack and when Medicare would have paid her entire hospital bill ended up with a $240,000 bill and after working with the two hospitals involved it is down to 21,000 now and she is not done yet. Amazing but possible. I am sorry your son is struggling financially and I can only imagine how badly you want to help him out and feel so badly that you just can not do it at this time.

Chris try not to look at ALL of the list. If you can prioritize them and just take one at a time...the most pressing first.

I hear how desperate you are to be with Paula. I felt that way when Bill died. I just could not see ever feeling any sense of peace or meaning or happiness. I wanted to be with him and saw no reason to be here. The pain was more than excruciating. I do know, Chris. I will never ever forget how shocked and distraught I was. It takes time and energy and this at a time when you have zero energy. So try to rely on patience. I now see as I look back that those feelings have subsided. I have days when I laugh and smile and am slowly finding some meaning and purpose again. I know you have had some wonderful moments with your family since Paula died. They need you even if you can not help them financially. They need YOU! I still can not wait to be with Bill someday but the desperation has subsided and though the pain is very present, some days worse than others, most days I function and feel pretty well. It will happen. I hope you can trust all of us here that we have ALL felt this pain and desperation and felt shredded and we somehow make it through with the help of folks here, grief counselors, grief support groups, friends and family. Some are great at understanding and some are there to distract us by going to lunch with us and keeping us busy. Do hang in there. Come here and we will support you through this. We are just a few steps ahead of you in time...on this path.

Can your daughter assist you in sorting out this paperwork in order to get it to an attorney? By the way, when you look for an attorney I chose one that specializes in elder law....so you might check that out. It seems like you are doing this alone except for posting here. I really hope you will talk to your family and a support group.

I hope the day includes a nap and a walk and perhaps some contact with your buddy.

Mary

[boogieman]

Where to begin. Thanks Dee, and welcome here. We can all use all the support available.

What if my best isn't good enough? What if My Paula could find a way to make the situation for our son go-away when I can't? What if I could figure something out but won't/can't make that sacrifice for him? Sacrifice that will affect me and the entire family from this point forward. What if he doesn't understand? I know, a lot of "what if's", but that is reality. I can't afford to be wrong again.

I am so alone and can't bear it!

I do know that most here are so familiar with what I now just begin to try to comprehend and adjust to. That's why I'm here.

I find myself humbled at realizing just how much I relied on My Paula all these years. Together we were almost invincible. Alone not so much so. Her wisdom and insights far excede mine. Together we found it easy to make the hard choices knowing that we could implement any decision made. Now so unsure of most situations alone, I find myself second-guessing things that should be/were easy. My inner confidence is rooted in her peace, serenity, and understanding abilities. Having little energy, and even less focus, every mole-hill is becoming a mountain.

Our daughter, Emily(named after my grand mother) has her hands full with her life. Managing several dental clinics, her two children and 3 grand-children, her son (my grandson in the military) is being deployed to Afghanistan in January, and persuing her real estate career (business is very good here in the Dallas area) keep her working 12-14 hours daily and every week-end. I wouldn't presume to interfere with her goals. She was able to take a two week leave during My Paulas/MOMZ hospitalization and subsequent passing to help organize and get ME through those unimaginably difficult times. She hasdn't got any more time off work available.

I did have a very good day yesterday though. That same grand son, in the military, has a two week leave prior to starting extensive training for his deployment. We went to a movie and I helped work on his car with him which we both enjoyed. At one point the house was filled with family! Nine in total. The house was filled with joy just as My Paula always welcomed. It pleases her. That was a so very welcome distraction for delaying the actions I must face.

Now I face the same agonizing issues again today. Still don't know the best course of action, if there is one. As "they' say..."If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice". Either way the fear of being wrong again is terrifying and so very stressful.

I was planning to spend part of the day with my friend Nick, but he is not feeling well. He thinks it a stomach virus that I can't be exposed to. Not in my current state.

Yes I do all this alone. Since I have little clue as to where to even begin, the enormity stymies me as each issue demands my attention simultaniously. I'm simply lost without My Paula.

A nap would be nice but my stress and anxiety levels won't allow that to happen. What to do?

Chris

[enna]

Hi Chris,

It is so wonderful to have family around you even if it is for only a little while. I love the sound of little ones running around. It takes you away from that empty feeling of being alone even if it is for only a little while. I’m glad that you spent time with your grandson.

I remember back when I was trying to manage all the finances during my Jim’s Alzheimer’s days that I thought I could never do it. It seemed impossible but I did it. When Jim died I sat for weeks with paper work on the desk trying to figure out what I was going to do now! I started to talk to Jim and slowly I started one task at a time and a few months later I had most paper work completed. I did not know how I got through it but I did. You will also. The decisions you make will be the right ones guided by your Paula just as I was by my Jim.

You must remember to take it slowly, Chris. This is a process not to be completed in a set time frame. Remember to breathe and walk away from the heaviness of your grief if only for an hour or two. I love the outdoors even in the heat here in AZ. I have gone to Lowe’s (a hardware store) just to walk through the garden section to look at all the beautiful plants, flowers, and succulents.

Grief will make you tired. It is hard work. Have you tried listening to music? Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

My heart is aching for you, dear one.

Chris, I don't think anyone here wanted or planned to go on living when our Beloved left. I had my departure all planned, and was only saved from leaving a month after my Doug by a very close friend who literally called me back from my plans.

This is not going to be easy for you. Each decision is going to loom very large, and seemingly insurmountable obstacles and problems will arise daily. Things will work out. It will be entirely overwhelming. Been there, with all the medical bills, others needing money, and trying to keep my balance each hour without a lot of support.

Chris, you have a lot of support here, and I want to list some things as a check list for you for this week, and this week only:

1) Find and make an appointment with a grief counselor. Ask around, look in the yellow pages, call a local hospice center, or ask your minister or priest or rabbi or elder. Please do this today. You need the support and also, you need a professional to help you and to check your overall state of being. My grief counselor truly kept me for thinking I had lost my mind. Find and make an appointment with a grief counselor.

2) Get and read Tear Soup, and when people here recommend reading or links or post things, share in the blessings of those gifts. They will help.

3) Keep a journal every day, and every hour if you need to do so. Write down how you are feeling. No one can tell you what or when to write in your private journal, but journals are a constant. present outlet for our confusion and grief, and even if the pages are stained with your tears, you will be able to release some of the grief on to the pages as you cry. (Buy a case of tissues.)

4) Make at least one call to one friend, and tell them you just need to be hugged while you cry, and do this once or twice a week, at least.

5) Be gentle and patient with yourself. Things are entirely out of kilter for you right now, and you need to be compassionate, patient, and so very gentle with yourself.

6) First, before everything else, take care of you each day. Make sure you rest, eat well, drink lots of pure water, and take vitamins and minerals. Eat some fresh fruit and vegetables each day, and protein.

Okay, those are my practical suggestions for you today. Focus on the small stuff, and set up a system so that you have control over a few little things, even if it is only making your coffee or tea each morning, and having morning prayers or morning meditation.

This is a time of great pain and confusion. We have lost half -- maybe more than half -- of who we are and how we lived. We have been ripped, on every level, from the sheltering and supporting arms of our Beloved. It is terribly painful and empty for us, especially those first several months.

Please do not despair: we can help you to get through this time. I am typing this with tears flowing for your pain and loss, dear Chris. I am so very sorry you must go through this time. And, on the other hand, I am so deeply happy that Your Paula is still there with you, loving you as much as ever.

Try to sit quietly and hold your pencil, and see if she gives you words to write in your journal. Doug still comes to help me write almost every day, sometimes in my journal, sometimes an essay or article I am writing. Lately, he helped me to stand up to his ruffian relatives, and today, I am licking my wounds and slowly recovering from the latest greedy attack. I have faith that I will be healed from this soon, for I can see how much I have healed in the last 17 months, although, when I was in deep grief, I could not see any hope.

There is hope. Please believe us when we tell you that life is still worth living, and that in time, you will also believe this again. Things will sort out. Just do one of those things this week. The world will not end if you slow down and take more time to care for you. It just seems that way sometimes.

Let the tears and words flow, and please do not let the pain carry you beyond hope. Because you are here on Earth, alive in your body, and there is more for you to enjoy and celebrate here, with Your Paula ever watching, holding you in love, and waiting to help you to feel joy and celebrate the gift of life once again, even if you are not ready to open your heart to life again yet. Right now, she is helping you to heal, and I think she also brought you to us.

Things will work out. I believe that you have been led here to this Tribe for a reason: there is a place for you at this fire, and we all reach out to hold your heart, help you to survive, and hold you up on the days when you feel yourself falling into the darkness of the shadow. We will be here for you.

Let me know how you do with your "homework" please. I will be checking on you. {{{hugs}}}

WIth Blessings and Much Love to your Heart, I also send some special

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

When George died the hospital hounded me for money, and at a high interest rate (29%), so I remortgaged my home so at least the interest would be lower (this is a home I'd had paid off). Years later I found that Oregon law says a spouse is not responsible for the other's bills unless they personally signed for them! I had not realized that, and I committed myself to years of debt needlessly. I'm sure it's all more complicated than that, but I would advise anyone who has lost a spouse to make a trip to an attorney before paying off the medical bills. My GF didn't pay any of her husband's debts when he died, and neither did my neighbor when his wife died. I have another 20 years to pay on my house now.

As for your son, oh how well I understand, as a mother, how hard it is to not be able to step in and help your grown children! But sometimes perhaps it is for the best as it helps them to figure out how to work out their own problems, which in turn boosts their confidence and faith. But I know all too well how hard it is on the parent. My heart is with you.

I do understand how overwhelming this can feel. It helps me to make a list of everything I need to do and then cross things off one by one. When you look at the list, instead of feeling everything is pressing in on you...hone in on what you feel needs to be priority that week. All does not need to be done this minute. It helps me to highlight what I cross off so when I look at my list, I notice foremost what I have done, not what needs to be done yet. It's important to give yourself credit for what you have accomplished already! When we go through something like this, just getting through the day is an accomplishment!

It is those times when you have family around that bring you the bits of joy that are a respite from the continual presence of grief. Allow yourself to enjoy those times, for they are what see you through the rest of the time.

Two weeks is about what I got from my daughter too, and one week with my son after George died (he got one week off from the Air Force). It is a drop in the bucket compared to what I felt I needed, but we take what we can get. I had to go back to work and I have no idea how I functioned or how bad my mistakes were that I surely made.

You feel you don't amount to anything without Paula, that's how all of us feel at times, yet we all bring to the table our own talents and gifts. Even now when the bathroom fan quit working and I have no idea how to fix it and no one to call, I feel my helplessness as George surely would have tackled it with ease. We all feel the lack of our partner's abilities as we struggle with one leg on what is a two leg operation, but somehow we manage to hobble by, making do, sometimes doing without, but getting by.

[boogieman]

So much to do. So little energy or desire to do it. So confused. Hurting so deeply. So lonely.

I MISS MY PAULA!

CRYING, SAD, AND LONELY TOO MUCH!

Tears so heavy now I can barely see the keyboard.

THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!

THE UTTER SHEER FRUSTRATION OF THIS! THE HOPELESNESS! THE AGONY!

I DONT WANT TO LEARN TO COPE! I NEED THIS TO END! I NEED TO BE WITH MY PAULA!!!!!

[feralfae]

Dear, dear Chris,

Your Paula is with you right now, even as you read this.

Not so much to do: today, just find a grief counselor, and make an appointment.

Can you do that? One thing, please.

And please, take time to sit in quiet, peace, and love and listen for Your Paula's voice, which will bring loving comfort.

Please just do that today.

Dear heart, let us help you to just take this one step, which I am positive that Your Paula would want you to take for yourself. Please

Much Love,

fae

[kayc]

Chris,

I know. Oh how well I know! Take a breather and think...what would Paula want for you? Do your best...for her, if not for yourself. You needn't tackle everything at once, just one thing at a time. It will all wait until you get around to it.

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

Like Your Paula, my Doug had colon cancer, and fought until the day he told me he was going to toss it all in come February. And I was not listening, I tried to misunderstand, until finally, he was home in hospice care and he turned to me, with love and tears in his eyes, to tell me we were aborting the mission.

I think we went through almost the same terrible times. Five major surgeries, a collapsed lung from putting in a pik line, so many complications, adhesions, low blood pressure. No body fat, no stored reserves. Tube feedings. Appliances. Pureed foods, special foods, everything, too much, all those years. So many here have walked this same shadowed path in their own way, to arrive where we are today. We can help you find the way, I believe.

And we are finding love here, family here, caring here, many of us from families as estranged as yours and Paula's. I think that is one reason we have such a strong family here, why we have loving Tribe here, why we are Mary's bridges across troubled waters for each other here. It is not the same as having it all be there with us, across the table, next to us as we breathe in unison. But, it is love. It is Love, manifesting as we hold each other together across the most stormy of seas, through the most turbulent of skies, and the most painful of times, when we think that we somehow know we will never heal, and all hope is lost. Healing is also a part of G*d's plan, even when our hearts are broken and empty.

Hold on to our hope, please, Chris. We are tossing you a line of Love, and wishing, as I know Your Paula wishes, for you to hold on.

Please do try. We are here to help. We are here to be the help you need. You also help us with your loving presence, even though you may not be able to see that yet.

Blessings, Much Love, and of course,

*<twinkles>*

fae

Edited July 10, 2013 by feralfae

[feralfae]

Chris, come sit here and write with us.

Be here with us.

If you can do nothing else today, be here with us.

fae

[enna]

Chris,

It is at this time that we need to stop and breathe. The video below has been posted on this site several times. I found it about two months into my grieving and I play it at least twice a week. It has become my mantra meditation before I begin whatever meditation I feel like doing for that day. I still need the help of the guided meditations because I find it easier to focus.

We know what you are going through. The ride is definitely like a roller coaster in our grieving. None of us get a smooth ride.

Remember, we are with you on your journey but it is your journey and you will step into it as you are able. Anne

http://bolstablog.wordpress.com/tag/brother-david-steindl-rast/

[mfh]

Hi Chris, I am back from a long day away and am catching up on posts. You said in the post after I wrote this morning: "I can't afford to be wrong again." I am sorry, I may have forgotten something you said but I am unclear about what you mean when you say you can't afford to be wrong again. Did you make a choice that seemed wrong to you and which is now making it more difficult to make decisions now? If so, i think we make the best decisions we can at the time...hindsight does not count....we do our best in the moment.

It sounds like having family around is very healing for you and I celebrate that you had that gift and yes, when they leave, reality is there again facing us...and it is a tough reality. I guess what I do is try to enjoy the good moments and when they end, remember that there will be more of them and then tough out the tough moments....none of it is easy. I know that and I pray for you as you trod through this.

Mary

[boogieman]

Mary, I'll try to explain "can't be wrong again" Our youngest lives in Mass. We got the PET results in early March 2013. I called Bradley to give him the update and asked him to arrange his schedule to get here, at our expense, as soon as possible. One week went by, no response. Another week went by, no response. I checked the airlines and secured all the travel arrangements. I called and told Bradley of such. Another week goes by without response.

By this time My Paula took a serious turn for the worse. Her cancer was spreading very rapidly and she was in tremendous pain constantly. I tried everything in my power to get her pain meds increased and the frequency increased to no avail. Talked to the oncologist numerous times. Her prognosis changed from 6 months to one - two weeks at best due to her rapidly deterioriating condition.

Trying again to contact Bradley with the new update, My Paula asked me to not try any more. She was hurt so deeply by Bradley's less than stellar response she closed the door on expectations of seeing him before she passed. And she didn't. That Thursday, Thursday night, Friday, Friday night (April 11th and 12th) were absolute hell for her. We decided early on the 13th she needed to be admitted to the hospital.

Not knowing the complete situation until later that day her prognosis was lowered to 2-3 days max. Finally reaching Bradley late on the 13th. They decided to wait until Sunday the 14th to make their travel arrangements. I was staying at the hospital no matter what. Their arrangements couldn't get them here before Tuesday the 16th, the day My Paula passed. Calling him at 3:30 AM to tell him his Mother was gone triggered an anxiety attack. He fell-out an had a small "seizure-like-event?". His wife, instead of getting them on a plane, had him sent to a local hospital to be checked out. That Doctor wouldn't let him fly until Thursday the 18th. They arrived but refused to come to our/his home because..."It was my fault I didn't get him here in time to tell his Mother goodby". My Paulas service was on Friday the 19th. (Same days as this month). He refused to even attend her memorial service. Again, everything was MY fault for not "getting him here in time".

Long story, but I now have to live with all that guilt and rejection for circumstances beyond our control. I was in total shock and shut-down from the 12th thru the 19th. He hasn't spoken to or even acknowledged me since. He communicates through his sister, Emily only.

Now, because they have lost their house in Mass. they have no money and no place to live. He wants me to provide him app. $30,000 so they can buy a motor home to live in. Our potential reconciliation seemingly relies on that money. So I know I "can't afford to be wrong again". The loss of our son will be devistating. And combined with the loss of My Paula less than 3 months ago, I know I will NOT be able to withstand the pressure.

I am in constant agony over all this. Stress meter pegged-out since Monday when he finally e-mailed me. Guilt, pressure? You bet! How much am I expected to bear?

I keep trying to find a means of accomodating him but finances are low and this certainly isn't fair for his brother and sister, either. No matter my decision people other than myself are going to be hurt, namely some or all our children. Possibly irreconcilably. No way to win this one. Not unless I get my legal affairs in order to have my estate available for all the children.

At this critical juncture grieving is a cake walk.

WHAT AM I TO DO??? PAULA WHERE ARE YOU??? I NEED YOU!!!!

[mfh]

Chris, I did not mean to pry into your business and thank you for being so open. I am sure you must know at some level that you are not guilty of anything. You did your very best to inform him and get him here including offering to pay for it. Sometimes when a person is angry at themselves or feels guilty it is easier, as you know, to strike out at someone else and my guess is this whole thing has a history. I am hoping you can take yourself off the hook and realize you are not guilty of one thing....nothing. And your first obligation it to yourself right now. He is an adult and on his own and you know inside of yourself for I have seen your wisdom...that it is not your responsibility to rescue him especially if you are doing so to assuage a guilt that does not exist. I know is simplified and nothing is simple...but I am hoping you will find peace in knowing that if anyone here should feel guilt it is not you....I am so sorry that this layer of pain exists. Many of us have layers of extended family pain and I do know how it feels to have issues surface when you are in agony yourself. Please do take care of YOU. Please. You did all you could from all I can see. I think others here will agree....

Mary

[boogieman]

If we can't be open and honest what is the point?

Every story has two sides. Somewhere between the two lies the truth.

Despite everything that has transpired, he is our son whom we love unconditionally.

Thinking I may loose him so soon after loosing My Paula is more than I can bear.

As a father I must decide what level of sacrifice I am willing to make.

All? Nothing? Somewhere in between? Where in between?

I owe that to my children, I owe that to My Paula.

What kind of father and husband would I be otherwise?