I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

By all means Kay, rest your neck.

I know all any of you say to be true. I have to find that truth for myself. Greg, Bobbie, and grandson Ronnie came today to do the outside decorations and lights with me. A nice day and a nice visit.

Tonight they wanted to see pictures so I tried. Nothing like failing miserably to put one in one's place. Horrible pics.

This upset me so I just fell apart knowing how well My Paula could have done with such a simple task. I can't imagine feeling more useless than right now. Daughter Emily sent pics from her adventures last night and again from earlier tonight. She sent pics forwarded to her from our grand-daughter and her family from thanksgiving in Ohio. And I can't even get one decent shot of our house. This upsets and disappoints me greatly.

What must My Paula be thinking of my abilities to survive without her when I can't even take a decent picture? Or feed myself regularly? (Haven't eaten today - not hungry at all) Or do laundry? Or Christmas shopping? Or any of the hundreds of things I must do daily just to survive?

On a happier note My Paula did come and ring the doorbell twice yesterday and again twice today.

"Courage" and " Inspiring" are hardly words I would attribute to me. Stumbling and bumbling seem more appropriate. As I said last night , having another hard day and night.

Chris

[kayc]

Chris,

I must not have been on line yesterday, I thought I did, but maybe I didn't because I sure have a lot of catching up to do today!

If it makes you feel any better, I'm horrible at picture taking too. My George loved taking pictures, he got some beautiful ones of flowers we grew and hummingbirds that came to feed. He wasn't necessarily great at picture taking, but when you take as many as he did, you're bound to luck out once in a while! Not me though. The pic. I took of my tree doesn't do it justice, nor anything else I try to capture. I'd probably do better at my eBay sales if I was better at photography. Maybe I should take a class next summer...although I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up. The last few years have wreaked havoc with my confidence.

But in the big scheme of things, does it really matter that we aren't good at taking pictures? There's so many other things we ARE good at! I'm really good with number/bookkeeping/figures. I'm a great Office Manager, even though I am retired now. And I can make cards. I can cook, sew, make the best pies, I'm organized, efficient, hard working. I'm sure if you sit down and list the things you're good at, you'll be surprised. So I can't cut hair! There's others for that. And someone else can snap a picture for us.

[boogieman]

In the grand scheme of things, taking pictures is no great thing. I just wanted to be able to share what had been accomplished without My Paula's in-put for the first time. And being overly emotional over such a seemingly trivial matter just upset me, and still does.

I did manage to get out yesterday for a short shopping binge. Tiring but satisfying too. My Paula always did most of the Christmas shopping and I am impressed with the efforts she obviously put into getting it done. I just have to tough-it-out from now on. And not having My Paula to shop for saddens me greatly. These last few years when money was so tight I enjoyed looking for the simple personal item that I knew would please her. But of course anything pleased her as we did for each other out of love, not the pocket-book. For the first time in 35 years I don't even have that to look forward to. I miss My Paula so greatly.

I'm somewhat lost and over-whelmed so far this first year without My Paula. None of this seems real. Like I'm trapped in someone else's life. A really bad one at that. Surrealistic at best.

The hospice is having a seasonal memorial service next week for survivors and families. Not sure I could hold-up should I decide to go. Very mixed emotions on that.

Cold, rain, possible icy conditions headed our way tonight through Sunday. I love the cold weather but only because My Paula and I always snuggled up to a roaring fire and waited it out together. Not the same alone. Damn, I miss My Paula!

Chris

[enna]

Oh Chris, you mentioned the holiday memorial service you have there put on by hospice and whether or not you’d be able to attend.

Our HOV here in the Phoenix area does something similar each year and it is a beautiful program. It is called Light Up a Life. A night for remembering…remembering our loved ones…the highlight of the program is a photographic tribute set to music. Some find this kind of thing very comforting and it is good to know that others are remembering someone you love so deeply also.

I would suggest that you do not go alone. It is a family thing and I found it so comforting to have a few family/friends with me.

I think that the most important thing we can do is do what’s comfortable for us. We don’t have to please anyone. No one understands our loss so I think one way to have a good holiday is to focus on what we want to do. There will be enough time to reach out to others.

Anne

[mfh]

Chris, I just want to acknowledge the actions you are taking in the midst of pain and loss. You have gone shopping for gifts, and I sense a consideration of attending the memorial service. I hope your weather clears up soon. I suggest you download the DVD (free) that Anne posted on the holiday topic. It is quite helpful.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

I am glad to hear you are taking care of your self and having the comfort of some familiar patterns you and Your Paula had and still have. That is nice. It takes courage to walk into the pain of old patterns when we now walk solo along those paths, I know. You are doing a great job of staying in awareness and taking healing steps when you are able to do so. I am also glad you are pacing yourself, and not trying to do too much, and giving yourself time to be in peace sometimes, just resting and healing.

I love that the doorbell is ringing for you. What a wonderful blessing!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[boogieman]

Thank you all for the support. I am struggling with all these emotional tsunamis.

Tomorrow night was to be our city's community Christmas celebration and tree lighting event. My Paula and I loved to go. Due to the inclement weather (cold rain and icy conditions), this event has been postponed until next Thursday night. The same night and time of the Hospice Memorial service.

As suggested, I don't really want to go to the Hospice event alone and all the children have been reluctant to commit to going with me.

I certainly can't be both places so am faced with yet another conundrum. The family all want to go to the tree lighting, and I certainly can't blame them. We have a great time there. In fact, it was at our insistence that we all began going to the tree lighting.

The Hospice Service is RSVP with a reception/social afterwards. Don't have much time to decide.

Seems there is always some sort of snag waiting around every corner.

It probably shouldn't, but these types of issues still upset me greatly. Personal desires and longings verses family commitments. And the family is of utmost importance to me, especially now. What to do. What to do.

Maybe a solution will present itself before it is too late. I just don't know right now.

Chris

[KarenK]

Just my humble opinion Chris, but if it were me, I would go to the tree lighting. What better way to pay tribute to Paula than to carry on a family tradition with your children. I'm sure the Hospice event will be very nice, but for me would only evoke sadness. We need whatever happiness we can find in our lives.

Karen

[nats]

Hello Chris,

I agree with Karen, I also think you should attend, we always have the option of leaving should it become to overwhelming.

I was hesitant to attend these sort of events as well but decided to take this grief head on and kept a complete open mind...I found that setting out on these events to be helpful sometimes and others no so much...what I did was set ground rules for myself, I always drove myself so I could leave or have my car for refuge, I also assured myself I could just leave if things did not feel well.

It's these little hurdles we feel that allows us to heal, you are doing a good job of staying on path even feeling the distractions and despair.

You now of all times must trust your heart and do what you feel is good for you..."easy does it" I still tell myself even at almost 4 years I have my moments and have to regroup, step back, and alter things as needed to stay in that comfort zone.

Take care and may you find the answers you seek...

NATS

[kayc]

When our "local" hospice (60 miles away from me) had their event after George died, it was winter weather/roads and I decided not to attend...I had mixed emotions about it, but I was constantly looking at pictures of him, thinking about him, I didn't see the point in doing so with a bunch of strangers when it was so far away and the roads were dangerous. I don't think there's one answer suits everyone...I think if it'd bring you comfort, you should go, if not, don't, but listen to your inner self and what speaks to you. It could be if you would go you might be surprised at how comforting it'd be...I think if it hadn't been for the road conditions, I would have gone.

[boogieman]

Got iced in here last night and early this morning. About 1/2" of sheet ice on everything. As the trees had yet to shed their leaves the ice accumulated on them and the additional weight has broken most of the large limbs of our Bradford Pear in the front yard. We loved that tree and many commented on the beautiful shape and enormous size. The canopy covered a 40' radius. Now it will most likely need to be cut down.

And the power was off for hours last night and again for about 4 hours this afternoon. I got cold which is most unusual. The furnace pilot went out. Tonight the Christmas lights didn't come on. Looks like a broken tree branch took them out. Going to be in the low teens tonight and low twenty's tomorrow so I cant check for another couple of days. More ice and possibly snow forecast for tomorrow.

All these little things I find throw me into a tailspin. Every little thing sets me off and pushes me over the edge. Blown way out of proportion. I know this tenseness and feeling of impending doom is from My Paula being gone. Without her I feel as if I have no control over any aspect of this miserable loneliness called life. I just don't have the will or desire to face too many more of these set backs. There is very little joy in me for this my first Christmas alone. I can feel the absence of My Paula in my daily life and I miss her so. It saddens me to be without her here, to take care of her, and share her favorite time of year with.

So I sat in the cold and darkness alone today, missing and crying for My Paula. Tearing up even now.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I fully understand the reason for Christmas depression now. What a horrible means of enlightenment. I would prefer ignorant bliss if My Paula could just be here with me, or me with her.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, I am so sorry about the possibility of losing your lovely tree. Your being on edge and getting thrown into tailspins is all part of grief. When we grieve we are vulnerable and even raw. We have had a huge loss and these smaller and not so small things seem to do get more challenging to handle and throw us easily and quickly. We jump at things that a year before our loss would not have bothered us at all. I do see growing strength in your post in spite of how fragile you feel. I know how difficult this is, believe me.

I know you miss Paul terribly and I am so sorry. These holidays, especially the first, are so difficult for people...everything is a trigger to our pain.

Peace be to your heart, Chris

Mar y

[kayc]

Chris, the same thing happened to my apple tree last year, and although it is badly mishapen, it still produces wonderful fruit...you might try cutting the broken branches once this is over and see if it will live. I know some people paint them at the stub, am not sure if it's special sealer, or what, maybe ask around? I'd hate to see you lose your pear tree that you both loved.

[feralfae]

Oh, Chris, I hope you can save the tree. Doug was a master pruner (raised in orchards) and saved some very ice-damaged apple trees at a friend's home. I hope there is a way to give it new life even if it will be its own unique shape. I have a big old birch up in Fairbanks, and it is very gnarly, broken, twisted, very lop-sided — and one of the most beautiful trees I have ever known.

So, I am hoping that not only can you save the tree, but that a partridge comes and sits in the branches.

Chris, you are doing so very well, taking each day as it comes, working on staying in the Now.

And Now, I am going to go have applesauce and watch a good funny movie.

It is -8F outside here, and I have both fires going. I am snug and thankful for my warm home and enough healthy food. And for all the loving spirits gathered here around this fire.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[boogieman]

Besides the tree itself, there has been a pair if nesting blue jays taking residence it this tree for almost 10 years. My Paula and I loved having them on the property and watch their daily routines. Not having the tree for them to nest in bothers me in-ordinately.

These little things seem to upset me greatly. Having no control over much seems to be the sticking point for me.

Being iced in again yesterday, I spent the afternoon in my shop working. Coming in around 6pm, I realized I hadn't eaten but was not hungry at all. A throbbing headache accompanied by blurred double vision got my attention. Took a couple of aspirins and called our daughter, Emily.

She suggested I eat something. Still not hungry. Took a couple more aspirins and fell asleep in my chair. Woke at 8:30 by the phone. I felt better but still not hungry. Vision better. Headache gone. Emily contacted me again and admonished me for not eating. Cooked a small pizza and could only eat 3 pieces. Went to bed but couldn't sleep. Still awake a 2:30 am.

The point being that due to most circumstances being beyond my control, I have a very hard time managing this so-called life. Cried for My Paula after talking to Emily. Tears in my eyes as I tried to sleep last night. A permeating sadness surrounds my every waking moment and movement. I miss My Paula to the extreme and have no clue as to how best deal with this all-encompassing pall.

I don't care that I don't eat. I don't care that I'm not hungry. I just don't care.

Still iced in again today. Maybe tomorrow. Until then I am alone in our house with My Paula.

Did I mention just how greatly I miss her?

Chris

[feralfae]

Dear Chris,

This is such a tough time of the year for all of us. Many here have special days laced in amongst the holidays as well. All those strings of memory, pulling at out hearts!

You are doing well taking it one day at a time. Some days it can be very hard to force ourselves to eat something, but I am glad you made the pizza.

Each day, there are times and hours when I wonder how I will make it another day without Doug. Each day, the emptiness and loneliness, the longing and the loving, simply overwhelm me and leave me crumpled in a chair in tears. I no longer sob for hours, but I still sob.

I think you are right where you need to be in your healing and on your journey. I am glad you come here and share with us how much you miss Your Paula. It is a painful longing and a stark emptiness to face the days when our Beloved is not with us to touch and hold. But I know that for you, as for me, we have many expressions of the presence of our Beloved, that we know they are loving us and watching over us all the time.

Blessings to you Chris, and Peace to your heart this day.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Hi Chris,

Someone I respect told me early on in my loss of Jim that I will have all kinds of thoughts as I grieve and all those thoughts are “normal” so I need to allow them and don’t judge myself.

You mention having “no control over much” and that is all right because I think all of us or at least many of us have no control – our thoughts come and go and that is what grief is all about.

Whether it is your tree or something else there is always going to be a memory that triggers an emotion. Allowing that emotion will help us heal. I have had fifteen months of experience in such “sticking points” that you mention.

We do have to nourish our bodies and get our exercise and take care of ourselves.

Remember, one hour, one day is all we have to get through. The journey is possible.

You are not alone on this journey, Chris. You have this forum that allows you to share your grief journey and we will listen and hear you.

Anne

[mfh]

Chris,

You said in your post that you just do not care, and believe me I totally understand that. Some days you might care a little bit and others you won't. You care about your kids and grandkids but probably not much about the quality of your life. I think working it backwards might help. I mean Instead of eating because you care about yourself; you might try just making yourself eat and eventually you will care about yourself. Don't worry about caring right now...think about taking action and eating light foods, taking some vitamins, maybe drinking Ensure or the like...not because you care but just to take action and maybe for your kids. You will care eventually but on the days you do not, still just take the actions of eating something even though you do not care. You might keep things in the house that are easy to prepare....frozen dinners by reputable companies (well, as reputable as they get), yogurts, cottage cheese, granola, good bread, fresh fruits, carrot sticks, etc. Buy the carrot sticks and broccoli etc. that are already cut so you do not have to deal with preparation. Anything to get nourishment. My guess is your dizziness and headaches were caused by a lack of food as your daughter said. If easy foods are on hand, you might be more inclined to graze through out the day or make yourself eat something three times a day. Just a thought because I remember not caring.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

The problem with not eating or not eating healthy is that it becomes a vicious cycle...you may start out not caring, but without proper brain food and fuel, you will feel even worse and care even less...the only way to get off of that cycle is to do what you know you should for yourself, whether you feel like it or not. There's times we don't feel like a whole meal, but as long as there's something healthy to snack on, we'll still get our needed nutrition. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains, yogurt, protein. When I don't feel like cooking, I make a smoothie in my blender with Spinach leaves, yogurt, berries, bananas, protein mix.

[Queeniemary]

Kay, how does that smoothie taste with the spinach in it??? You had me wanting one, but not sure about the spinach. I keep frozen dinners on hand in freezer, and canned soups, I don't really cook much unless I have company. Also keep fresh vegys on hand to snack on, although I like my Mission chips better . I also keep some protein shakes around. Eggs are a good source of protein and easy to fix. I love eggs. Chris, the first 6 to 8 months after Mike died, I had no appetite, had to force myself to eat. Did not care about eating, or whether or not I survived. Lost about 20 pounds (good thing), but gradually appetite returned, yours probably will also. Mary is right, eat because you know it is the right thing to do for your body. And the more you take care of your body, the better you will physically feel, and that will help you in other areas also. OK my sermon is over. How is your ice doing? Don't come to visit your brother in Arkansas anytime soon.......we have icy roads and lots of snow!!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

It tastes wonderful, I don't even taste the spinach, I just add it for nutrition. I've tried strawberries, blackberries, even grapefruit! Just experiment. Sometimes I just don't feel like cooking and am not real hungry, but being Diabetic, I need something in my system. My nephew is a bodybuilder and big into nutrition and he taught me this.

[boogieman]

Good advice ladies. Thank you.

I did have scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, jelly and milk last night. Tasted good even if I say so. I know I should eat more regularly but more often than not don't have the energy or desire to prep anything. My Paula was an absolute master in the kitchen. I try, when I can, to emulate her easy style and manner.

Heard from my brother in Fayetteville Ar. of 6" - 8" of snow from the same system that produced 1" - 2" of ice here. Still iced in but the temp is supposed to get above freezing here today. Our poor tree is still drooping and sagging to the ground.

Our daughter Emily is really big into "juicing". I'm not quite ready for that.

Over the last year I have lost over 50# and feel much better for it. Caring for My Paula exclusively for the 3 years prior to April sent me into an almost completely sedentary lifestyle. Not good, but now changing when I do feel the urge to eat.

These random thoughts of My Paula do keep coming and going. I have decided that no matter the effect, I much prefer that to no thoughts at all. One of my great fears is of having no thoughts at all.

Despite crying myself to sleep last night, I did get some rest. Subsequently feeling a little better this morning. Don't know how long that will last but I do need the break from the other grim reality.

Appreciate all who listen and care to respond to my sad lonely pliants. Being all over the place emotionally, I am sure this is hard for some to follow. I know how hard it is for me.

Once again, you Ladies have come to my rescue. Where would we all be except for the compassion of like souls?

Chris

[feralfae]

"Where would we all be except for the compassion of like souls?

Chris"

Dear Chris,

I think we would be in a far less peaceful state than we are in today if we did not have this place to come and share our sorrow, lear from each other how to go on, and to comfort and reassure each other on those days when going on seems too much to bear on top of the grief.

I am glad to hear you had a nice meal. Scrambled eggs are great protein, and the biscuits sound heavenly! You are taking steps to take care of yourself, and I congratulate and celebrate with you that you are able to do so. Good for you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Hi Chris,

I think our compassion for one another keeps all of us from falling off the cliff. All of us have emotions all over the place - actually, sometimes I even have to laugh at myself wondering just what the heck is going on. . .if anyone ever filmed me on any given day I'm sure I wouldn't be running loose! We are safe here because we all know what grief is and most of the time it is not pretty. One day at a time.

Anne

[boogieman]

I just spent 30 minutes composing a very long ranting post only to have the computer shut itself down for who knows what. The story of my life recently. So given THAT wasted time and effort I quit.