I Need Your Help

[liddie]

Dear Chris- Paula was a wonderful wife to u. I recently lost my beloved dog coco. He was old and sick. I live alone for many years and I was never successful at love. Meaning im 66 yrs old now and at peace with being single. I am going to go to giref counseling so I hope this helps. My cousin called me up in November 2013 and she told me "Frank had died" he was a college professor a Phd, teaching in a NY state college. two beautiful grown up daughthers. I said, who is frank? and it was her husband of 42 yrs. I always look at their marriage as a marriage made in heaven. Whenever there was a family get togther I use to see how they would laugh,kiss, dance and hold hands. I wished secretly that I had a marriage like theirs. In fact, they did marriage retreats in the catholic churches in long island, ny. They saved many couples' marriages on the brink of divorce. U two came from wretched childhoods and u found each other it was God's way of bring two souls that needed mending.

There will be times when u question "why" did God take Paula away from me. I look at my dog's bed and bowl,brush,toys and I cannot throw it away. Im not ready. God made tear ducts in our eyes.Its ok to cry Is there a priest in your area where u can go to talk . How is your kids handling her loss, your grandkids. Im sure they want to spend some extra time with u now. The lonliness I feel is so emtpty. Im surrounded in my apt complex with dogs. I cannot get another one because I need 2 knee operations, and I need to take care of me now. if u want to respond back here im listed as liddie. take care. trust in God. We all need his shoulder to cry on. he is the only one u can really rely on. bye.

[boogieman]

Here's a story for you Jenna.

In a fit of complete depression, not long after My Paula passed, I decided to look-up my first love from my college days.

She broke my heart by breaking up so she could go off to a different college and party. I was a major hinderance to that.

So in absolute despair, and on the rebound, I met and married the first girl to come along after that.

She only wanted to get away from her mother. Needless to say that didn't work-out well.

Then I met My Paula. The 35 + years after that are wonderful.

But I digress.

I did a people search and located her through her high school days.

I saw pictures, got her address and phone number, etc.

She is married, has two children, and grand-children too.

Needless to say I knew instinctively that this was the totally wrong issue to pursue.

Not only did I shame myself, I dis-honored My Paula.

I asked for My Paula's forgiveness and was granted that consideration.

Life has moved-on for us all. Going back there for the reasons I considered important proved to be

completely misguided. That proverbial bell had rang, that ship had sailed, and no amount of what ifs

could ever change that.

I say all this to make this point.

Consider carefully the choice to follow through on your search, if you choose to do so.

What was then may not be now.

I was guilt ridden and shamed for my effort.

My Paula forgave me.

You may not be so lucky.

If the two of you were destined to be together, then surely that union would have been made by now.

I do not mean to be harsh but reality has a way of thrashing our most cherished dreams.

Please trust me. I know.

[Jenna2]

Thank you Chris.

But I can no more move on from Ben than you can from Paula. I have tried, for many years, and there is just NO ONE who can take his place.

With your 35+ years together, I'm sure it was extremely hard for you to be separated from her. But at least you had 35+ years of happiness. Ben and I only had 1 year but it was glorious.

I have found someone who can help me in my search. I'm procrastinating on getting the project started because I'm afraid of what I might learn. If it weren't for the visitation last April I would just let it be. But one way or the other I have to know.

"I was guilt ridden and shamed for my effort. My Paula forgave me. You may not be so lucky." It is Ben whom, if anyone, I want forgiveness from. If nothing else, I want to know how he's doing, and if he's happy.

I realize things may be a lot different than they were. In fact, I hope they are. I blame myself for the failure of our relationship -- I was a damaged individual, incapable of giving him what he needed. I have learned a lot since then. As long as there's a reasonable chance things may have changed in my favor, I should try -- you never know.

I predict that one day he and I will get back together again and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime.

I want to be where he is.

Jenna

[boogieman]

Forgive me if I left the wrong impression.

I would never suggest that a true loving relationship should be dis-regarded.

You have to do what is right for you.

I was just relating my similar prior efforts.

And I do completely understand the significance of "that one special person".

Wishing you the best on your quest for him.

[kayc]

Chris,

I think if roles were reversed, your Paula would struggle being without you just as you do today...and I think under the circumstances she has nothing but understanding and is proud of you for making it through what you have. It is dang hard at best! I don't think you could or would ever dishonor your Paula, it is your deep grief due to your deep love that has made this all so hard for you to bear. I think we all deserve badges for what we've made it through thus far!

[boogieman]

Not so sure about My Paula struggling as greatly as I am. She is so much stronger a person.

I do know how hard this is for me. On the verge of unbearable at all times.

It snowed here today. Very cold. 14*. No getting out of the house even if I had someplace to go

or a reason to get out, which I didn't.

I built a fire tonight like we did on many other similar cold nights.

Despite the warmth the experience wasn't the same without My Paula.

I fell asleep thinking of my love for her.

I woke alone and troubled. The fire had died out. Nothing left but the ashes of what was.

The hurt of her loss deep inside me just won't go away.

The loneliness palpable in the very room where we shared so much of our lives.

Tonight it was just a warm room devoid of the joy of a life lived together.

I am simply a tired, sad, lonely man grappling with the loss of the love of my life.

My Paula can not be replaced. I suffer greatly with that reality.

So here I sit again in agony and torment over the fire that once was and the warmth we shared there.

[Jenna2]

Chris,

I'm sure Paula would be struggling greatly over your loss if you had passed before her. She sounds like too much of a lady to overburden others with her troubles. A truly compassionate individual knows when to show a cheery exterior.

But on this forum, of course, everything that we care to share can be.

Jenna

[boogieman]

You are right Jenna. My Paula has the innate capacity to internalize a great deal of her feelings.

She is the one person others come to for someone to "listen" to them.

I would humbly like to think she would "struggle over loosing me" to some extent.

And no, she wouldn't "overburden others" with her problems.

Her great compassion for others and her eternally positive attitude always presented a cheery exterior.

My Paula is the strongest person I know. Dealing with her major surgeries (2), cancer treatments (6), and complications

for over three years with few outward complaints. She accepted her condition and dealt with it valiantly.

I tried my absolute best to "be strong" for her, to be "there" for her, to support and love her to the best

of my ability. I think I did an acceptable job in that area. Only My Paula knows for sure.

Now that My Paula is gone I have collapsed internally. My anchor taken away.

I wrestle with this reality daily, hourly.

My Paula is the better part of me, of us. I externalize as a coping mechanism. Maybe not the best method

of dealing with the enormous vacuum left in my heart and soul, but my outlet just-the-same.

Coming to the realization of to what a great extent I depend and rely on her, it is so very hard for me to make

the adjustment to being without her.

It is well documented in this thread of my constant struggle with suicide as an escape mechanism.

Coming close on more than one occasion, I have resisted to date.

Pouring my heart out here, my weekly group sessions, and baring my tortured soul, has been an enormous

influence on not following through on that constant thought.

The indulgence extended me here is humbly acknowledged and greatly appreciated.

[MartyT]

♥

[mfh]

Chris, I am so glad that this circle of wonderful people, including you, has been a help to you and will continue to be. Your posts are also helpful to others...please know that. Everyone learns from everyone else.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Chris, I appreciate so much your candor and honesty here, it helps many others who think these same thoughts but don't voice them to others. Hearing your struggle yet your willingness to continue on, even when you sometimes don't feel like it, gives them courage to do the same. We can't know what we would be missing if we don't give it a chance to play itself out!

[Jenna2]

Chris, it's plainly obvious that you are suffering. Yet you are able to hold on in spite of the pain, and I admire you for that. Do carry on.

Jenna

[boogieman]

Well Jenna, I just don't know what else to do.

If by "holding on" do you mean dangling from the narrowest of ledges by my fingernails,

then yes, I am "holding on".

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt My Paula is patiently awaiting my arrival.

"I'm not sitting on a park bench waiting, but I am waiting. There is no need to rush." she told me.

Given that as a fact, how can I possibly not want to be with her at the earliest possible instant?

In the mean-time I'm stranded here, separated from the "Love of My Life", and suffering greatly without her.

My Dad passed away just before Thanksgiving '88. I have watched my Mother struggle without him for

over 25 years. I do not want to have to suffer that long if I have a choice.

Have you come to a decision about Ben?

[liljo]

Hi Chris,

My name is Jo. ( short for Jodi). I am fairly new to the group. I lost my husband ( of 27 years) January 14 th ( not even a month ago )

He died 3 months after learning he had Pancreatic Cancer.

I have been following this thread for the last week, wanting to write, but never having the energy. I can relate so much to every word that you write. I too, cannot imagine living without Bill , especially when I look ahead to the future. I made a promise to my Mother and brother that I wouldn't "check out" ( at least as long as both of them are still here), but I feel a panic everyday about HOW exactly to go on ?? I know that I will feel exactly the same way 6 months from now, and 20 years too. Bill was only 59, I am 54 . The thought of being here on this earth until I'm in my 80's or so , scares the hell out of me !

I liked the fact that Paula sends you signs. Can you tell me about some that you have received ? Do you talk out loud to her all of the time ? I try to do that often, but then sometimes I just get depressed, wondering if he REALLY hears me ?

: (

I cry ( and scream), hysterically all through the day. I have been able to sleep at night ONLY because I drink a "sleepy time vanilla" herbal tea. I like it because its natural, but knocks me out ! Maybe it could help you too ?

Were you ( are you) able to look at her photos ? I am having a hard time with that right now. He was so vibrant, and energetic, so when I look at his picture, I just can't accept the fact that he's really gone.

Every single thing in our house, yard, and studio reminds me of him, and makes me breakdown. I know people say it gets easier, but I KNOW this pain will never go away.

Anyways, I wanted to introduce myself, and tell you how much I am relating to you . Thank you for putting it all out there, it's helping me to realize I'm not the only one struggling with HOW in the heck to go on.

Jo

[boogieman]

Hello Jo.

Pardon the late reply but as you know our worlds are turned upside down and inside out. Time has no meaning

except to mark the passage of time since we lost our dearly beloved.

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

Like you also, I still miss My Paula in the extreme today, 10 months gone on the 16th, as I know I will miss her

throughout the coming times, however long or short that may be. I am so very familiar with that "panic" of how

to continue on alone. I ask myself regularly "how do I do this alone?" I must confess I really have no idea.

I just know that when I, too, cry myself to sleep the sun will rise tomorrow and I have to start the process of

grieving all over again. I found that if I push myself to the point of exhaustion, sometimes sleep follows, but not always.

Even now I go at least 2 to 3 times weekly with no sleep at all from the grueling agony of missing My Paula.

And this is very hard, this grieving. You will find it consumes the majority of your time and energy, Mine still does.

As An example, I re-enrolled at the local community college again this semester. After an early morning to get to class

by 8am, I came home exhausted at 4pm. Falling almost immediately to sleep in my recliner, I was wakened by a

phone call from a friend. Immediately I knew this would be a difficult night. I have been sad, upset, lonely and crying

since then I imagine another sleepless night ahead. Since I have no control over these tidal forces of emotions,

I try to relax a little and let them wash over and through me rather than fight against them. It has taken me this

10 months to figure this little thing out.

Call it what you will but I believe in the "signs" I choose to believe are from my Paula.

Fairly regularly there were the very late night, early morning doorbell rings. Then sometimes in the afternoon,

or at all hours of the day. Always checking I have yet to see anyone there and I could see if there were someone there.

I have seen hummingbirds, one of My Paulas' favorites. They are scarce here in our part of Texas.

In other cases I have seen beautiful sunsets and rainbows, but not always associated with My Paula,

but a calming sign none-the-less.

More recently our bedroom door has been found to be partially closed. This never happened before. Being retired

from remodeling I know what usually causes that. Those conditions don't exist in our house.

There have been phone calls with no sound on the other end.

Messages on the answering machine with no message.

My Paula didn't like the cold, especially during her chemo for two years. We have an old style manual thermostat

that has been reset to a higher temp than I set it to.

There have been "visitations" or dreams, or delusions where we speak, I see her, she answers a few questions.

On another occasion I heard a metallic "pinging" coming from an antique metal umbrella stand by the front door.

In plain sight with the entry hall light on. Of course she wasn't there physically.

I choose to believe these are efforts by My Paula to reassure me she is still here with me.

Just this past Monday I spoke to her, or she spoke to me. She told me she is patiently waiting for me,

that there was no need to rush to her.

And yes, Jo, I do talk to My Paula. I do everything possible to continue the habits and routines we developed

during a 35 year close relationship.

My Paula's remains are on our mantle.

I kiss her every morning, ask how her night had been.

I tell her I'm going out whenever I leave the house.

I announce my return when I get back home.

I ask her if she wants to go "for a ride to get out of the house".

I kiss her goodnight every night.

One of us always said "Good Night. Love you",... followed by "Good Night. Love you too".

We never failed in that constant affirmation to each other.

I don't hear her response but I say it anyway.

I know she says it back.

Just those sort of ordinary comments give some semblance of normalicy.

No conversations as before but I do my best to include her in my daily routines.

And I know others talk to their loved one too. We are not alone in that.

And a resounding "yes" to whether or not he hears you.

In a grand gesture to keep My Paula close to me, I spent weeks looking through photo albums, drawers, closets,

any place I could look for pictures of her. I had each blown up to 8" x 10" size and placed on a 3 ring binder

which I keep on our dresser. To date there are about 190 photos there. About a dozen or so of my favorites I have

framed and sitting around the house. I find it very comforting to be able to look anywhere in our house and see her

beautiful smiling face.

For me keeping her memory fresh and constant is easier than trying to not do so. Yes it is agonizing painful,

even tear producing, but for me, better than the alternative. After a short while I found that everything in our house

has My Paula's "touch" in and on it. Very comforting to me, now.

I have found that talking to someone who will listen is of great benefit. There are so great listeners here on this forum.

If not for them I probably would have "checked out" myself long before now. It is not un-common to have these

thoughts when the grief and pain is unbearable. Give it a few hours time and it too will pass.

And lastly, I waited over 9 months before I started in group counseling. The jury is still out on the outcome of this for me.

But it is relieving to be with and around others who have been or are going through this particular tragedy.

Safety in numbers and all that. It is very hard to bare one's soul to strangers who aren't strangers due to our

common bond. They understand where most others simply can't.

As to "getting easier" I'm not sure yet. I am learning to adjust to this new reality, not accept it for that

is one consideration I can not make. The truth is too harsh, too painful. My pain hasn't and never will go away either.

Never understanding the "one day at a time" concept fully, I interpret it to mean deal with what must be right now

and the rest later if and when it becomes an issue. Otherwise it is overwhelming in its totality.

How do you eat an elephant"

One bite at a time.

So very nice to meet you Jo. I hope my long-winded, late-night diatribe is helpful. I do know what you are going through.

If I can be of assistance with simply a sympathetic ear, I am here.

Rest well.

Chris

[kayc]

Chris, your response to Jo was very thoughtful and I'm sure it'll be of consolation to her. There's nothing like knowing someone else "knows" and understands.

[boogieman]

Thank you Kay. Like all learning experiences, if the gained knowledge isn't shared and passed-on it is lost.

I wanted to add for Jo another "sign" I saw just this morning.

We have a very large Mulberry tree in our front yard. For years there has been a pair of nesting Bluejays.

Looking out this morning I see not one, but two, brightly plumed females in the tree. The males aren't far behind.

My Paula and I love the birds and I see this as a another sign from her.

Another possible means of self-therapy, for me anyway, has been keeping a journal.

Since shortly after My Paula passed I have been keeping a journal. I use those cheap spiral-bound

ones, about 70 - 80 pages each. I am on my 11th one now. Using both sides of each page I realized I have

chronicled about 1400 - 1600 pages of my struggle with this inner turmoil.

There I write down all my thoughts, emotions, memories, hopes, aspirations, despair, and anything that is on my mind.

When someone is not available to talk to I find this the next best form of therapy.

Besides that, I can honestly pour out my heart and "say" things not always appropriate in other situations.

I even recall and chronicle intimate moments shared, the details of our lives together, the private moments shared

with the Love of My Life, lest I forget them in the future. Very therapeutic for me and they serve to keep My Paula fresh

and "in the moment" for me.

And a good use of the long lonely hours, days, and weeks.

Maybe hanging on desperately to the past, but my, our, happiest moments are there.

I simple can not allow those precious moments to be lost.

Perhaps some day I will have the strength to re-read what I have written.

Enormous amounts of pain there too.

[liljo]

Dear Chris ,

Thank you so very much for your beautiful reply. I am going to write back a little later, I have to take care of a lot of things today : (

I just sat down to have a coffee break, and found your reply, so wanted to acknowledge it . ( I think that it will help me get through my day !), So , I Thank you again, and I will talk to you soon.

Jo

[mfh]

Chris, what lovely help you gave to Jo today. Your sharing and your caring were so obvious as you wrote about your loss of your Paula. I have to say that I, like you and others here, have had many signs since Bill died. For a while I thought he was into keeping our home clean. A friend that he knew well stayed for a weekend and when she went to bed, her black slacks were covered in our Golden Retriever's fur. In the morning she thanked me for cleaning the fur off. I told her I had not gone into her room and knew nothing about that. Where all that fur went we will never know...but it was gone. Later on, I fell asleep in my recliner eating a Mounds bar. When I awoke around midnight, the sweater I was wearing had a lot of dark chocolate on it. It happened to be a sweater Bill really liked. I put it up on the top of a 6 ft+ book case so our dog would not get it. In the morning, NO chocolate. I could tell you many stories but the bottom line is that those who die are still around us and make their presence known...we miss most of the signs, so I read.

Jo, I am glad that Chris' words and message were helpful to you. I know you are in pain and I just want you to know we are still here for you...and reaching out to you. I wonder if you found a group or counselor nearby.

Peace to both of you,

Mary

[liljo]

Hello again Chris ,

Yes, Mary and Kay were right when they said that you offered me some great help, and healing words.

I felt better after reading your letter, and tried to do some things today that you spoke about . For starters, I made myself sit with Bill's photo, and I talked to him. Then throughout the day I tried to make small changes in my thinking. I had been scared to be in the same room with his ashes. I had set the box down when I brought it home, and haven't even been able to look at it. He had made a very artistic little "house" out of metal, that he wanted his ashes to be put in ( I will post a picture soon). I haven't been able to do that yet, but, today I made a small step - I spent time in the room, cleaned it up a bit, opened the curtains, etc. Maybe soon I can make that next step.

I absolutely loved hearing about Paula's signs ! ( and About Bill's signs to Mary). I think if I could start receiving more signs it would give me great comfort. I had a strange night last night - I couldn't sleep, and at 1:30 am, I heard FOOTSTEPS on our front porch !! ( I'm not talking about the spirit kind, I mean the scary human kind !). Our house is in the middle of the desert, so this was VERY frightening. They lasted for about a minute. I just laid there petrified, and figured I would just stay awake all night long. The next thing I knew , I had dozed off and dreamt of Bill ( the first real dream of him in the month that he's been gone) in the dream he walked into our room, and I was thinking "what is he doing here, he's dead ? Then he just walked towards me, never said a word, and just held me in his arms ! Sadly, I woke up right away, but that dream brought me great comfort ( I'm hoping that he did that somehow, because he knew the great fear I was feeling about hearing the footsteps, and being all alone ?)

What kind of classes are you taking ? I admire you for having the motivation to do that. I may take a little class on Saturday with a sewing group, it will be a big step - honestly I don't really like being around people AT ALL right now. When I'm not visiting my Mom, I just stay in my own little world here at home , watching my old movies, and some of the British shows like Downton Abbey ( that Bill and I loved SO much )

Did you (or anyone reading this ), find that "food" brought about painful thoughts ? Bill and I loved cooking together, and so much of what we did was food centered. I can't stand opening up the pantry full of the foods that he loved eating. I don't even want to enjoy any food now, because he can't .

Well, I'll probably think of more to say later ....

I Thank you again for taking the time to write such a long, and very helpful letter !

I hope you sleep well tonight.

Jo

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Jo,

I've been reading your story and responses to it and I just wanted to say how sorry I am. Yes, food is a trigger for sadness (most things are). I used to enjoy cooking for Pete as he did for me and now mainly I live on convenience food though I try to add fresh vegetables. I don't like shopping and mostly I do it online. I miss Pete going round the supermarket and lifting the bags and unpacking etc etc etc. yesterday a plug came loose and I had to find a screw driver, something I would have asked Pete to do (useless me!). Pete has a shed full of tools but I can't bear to go in it (even thinking of it upsets me). But I was looking in my hand bag for my Swiss Army knife and found a little device in there which he had given me years ago with a little screwdriver. I though Ah thanks Pete for guiding me. I look for signs that Pete is near me and though I think it may be wishful thinking if it comforts me then it's true for me. We were married 49 years. How could he not stay near me, who he loves more than life itself?

His ashes are in our bedroom. A hat of his sits on the urn. I pat the urn and talk to him. Mad? No. I think it would be the same for him. I'm only glad he didn't have to bear this sorrow. Please keep writing here. You will find we all understand. Jan

[Jenna2]

Well, I've done it. I've sent a second e-mail to the detective; the investigation hasn't started yet, but it's one step closer. As I said in that e-mail, I realize my chances are "vanishingly small" that Ben and I will get back together again; but I can't help it -- I must try.

I knew that the the final stage of grief is acceptance, but I now have a better idea of what that actually means: that I will always love him, that I will always miss him, and that I will always hurt, until the day I die. There is a hole in my soul that cannot be filled, and I have to respect that. (Thanks to Marty for pointing this out.)

At least its better than denial; all that brought me was a kind of an emptyness that I had no clue about as to what was really going on.

Jenna

[boogieman]

Good morning Jo, and ladies.

I overslept this morning and am running late for class today.

I will get back later today with a measured response.

I do hope you find a sliver of peace in these so very troubling times.

Chris

[enna]

I think it is so wonderful that many of you have 'signs' from your loved ones. Mine are of the nature kind. There have been two hummers around the house for years and my Jim used to love watching them feed on the flowers. They would actually come very close to him and just move up and down near his face. They never did that to me. Since Jim has been gone those hummers (I feel are the same ones that have been around for years) started to come closer to me when I'm out on the patio. Silly me, I think they are a part of Jim letting me know he is still around! Only it may not be so silly when I think about it.

Jo, Jim and I loved to cook. I miss that still. I have started to have small dinner or lunch gatherings now and am enjoying the company of those who come to eat and visit. It is important for our health to eat healthy. I do not to this day like eating by myself so I have to really work at eating healthy. I guess that's why I enjoy cooking for others now. Many who come know about Jim's banana nut bread, his rubbed pork ribs and rice puddings. I make them on occasion just to have those who knew Jim talk about how very much Jim was a serious eater!

Chris, I love how you are moving through your journey of missing your Paula. Thank you for continuing to share here. I believe that we all help each other when we allow others to share our pain and eventual joys. Those good memories do come.

Anne

[mfh]

Jo, to respond to your question about eating. As you and your Bill did, my Bill and I cooked together all the time. It was rare when one of us prepared a meal or cleaned up alone. So, yes, eating alone and preparing food for "just me" was tough. Both are still tough but much much much better. I also think it is hard to digest food when we are grieving. In stress, the digestive system shuts down to a certain degree...depending on the distress. The energy goes to our limbs to prepare us to escape the stress (a lion chasing a deer for example but now as humans we still have bodies that prepare us to fight or flee). So I recommend grazing when the digestive system just does not want food or when sadness gets in the way of nutrition. Keeping healthy snack like things in the house (nuts, seeds, cut up veggies, hummus, yogurt, fruits, etc.) to graze on throughout the day can work. It is what I did early on. I do a lot of crock pot inventions....triple the recipes and freeze. Easier in winter when chili, stews and soups are great. I also buy salad ingredients that are organic and some prepackaged and cut up already so adding them to raw spinach or greens makes an easy salad and tossing in almonds, raisins, feta, etc. adds to the taste.

Mary

OH, and I always have dark chocolate in the house as it does actually lift our moods.