I Need Your Help

[kayc]

Chris,

Thank you for sharing so openly. I love the advice the spiritual advisor gave you about awaiting answers. Also the sign you got from Paula. And it brings a smile to my face what you said ab out hoping she would grieve you a little. We all want to know we'd be missed, it gives meaning to our existence.

[MartyT]

A lovely post, dear Chris. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us. ♥

[Queeniemary]

Chris,what a very wonderful post, so happy to see it. Your advisor is a very wise person. It is so hard to be patient and wait on answers. So glad that you see that glimmer of hope in the distance.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Chris, Thank you for your sharing, your vulnerability and honesty. Your post is lovely.

Mary

[boogieman]

I have to wait just another 24 hours before the " Week of Hell" begins tomorrow.

11 months ago My Paula was admitted to the hospital for the final time.

Today is the last day we were able to be home together.

I will never be comfortable the week on the 13th - 19th any month.

I am feeling the anxiety rising as I write. Blood pressure up too.

[mfh]

Chris, As you approach these anniversaries, remember that you have made it through so many and though that does not minimize the pain, it does provide some confidence that you can walk through these days and times and come out stronger for having done so. As I said, I know it does not minimize the pain but for me, it helps to know that I have done these days and times before and each time I get stronger. Thinking of you.

[kayc]

Chris,

It's interesting how the anniversary of something can bring it all back with such freshness, no matter how we tell ourselves it's just a date on a calendar, we don't kid ourselves, it seems to hit with such significance as we remember. I will be thinking of you today and throughout this week. Maybe try to plan something good to look forward to, a dinner with the kids? Mary's comments are very good and helpful.

[boogieman]

Trying to do just that. Knowing and doing are very different issues.

For example, my BP is up to 150 over 92 today where it is normally

120's over low 80's. Very good given my age. I check it daily.

Anticipation, anxiety, and angst.

Emily is in San Antonio for her realty business this week and

Greg is putting in 70+ hour weeks and out of town too.

Great timing all around.

[mfh]

Good for you, Chris...for working on this and yes, knowing and doing are VERY different. I am sorry your family is not available this week...we are here.

[kayc]

Yes, we are here. I wish their jobs weren't so demanding. Is there a grandchild you could have over? Might serve as a bit of a distraction, plus just having company is good.

[boogieman]

The two grand-children living in the area are "involved" in new relationships

that have little to do with me, of course.

Remembering how it was with My Paula and me in the beginning, I fully understand.

The all-consuming heat of passion is theirs to share and explore.

I envy them for what their futures can be, having once been where they are with My Paula.

Let's leave it at No, they are otherwise occupied.

Besides, each and every day has it's own life and memories.

The night of the 15th through the morning of the 16th, is a nightmare in and of itself.

So choosing one or two specifically is pointless. They all are hard.

As usual I will try to weather this storm alone.

I know I won't be fit company this next week anyway. Should the need arise I can touch-base

with my friend Nick. He "gets it".

And all my friends here are supportive should I need, and I probably will.

So begins the last up-all-night saga 11 months ago with My Dear Paula.

Right now, what hurts most is the fact I couldn't do anything to help her overcome

the impending resolution to her condition. My heart aches for her and all that she has missed,

not me.

Tears again. i will check back later.

[boogieman]

Didn't sleep much last night. Awoke with a headache and upset stomach.

Tense and edgy so far today. Trying to relax but a pointless effort.

[mfh]

Chris, I am sorry these days are so difficult. I believe it will get easier but that does not help things now. Is there some project you can get involved in. It helps me to create a project even if it is a nasty one like preparing my taxes for the accountant or a lovely one like painting or reading (if you can concentrate). We are here.

[boogieman]

I would love to read again but my lack of concentration and my tire old

eyes prohibit that. I tried drawing earlier but could not see well enough

for what I was doing. I spent the rest of the day outside and in my shop.

Didn't get much accomplished though.

I kept returning to the week at hand and missing My Paula.

Going to be another long lonely night.

[mfh]

I am truly so sorry, Chris. I hope you do get some sleep tonight. Concentration is difficult in early grief. I do not think accomplishing things is critical right now...as much as we like to accomplish. Keeping calm and rested matters more. I urge you to do whatever y ou do without pressuring yourself to achieve a lot.

[kayc]

Chris, my focus was not the same again after George died. I used to read constantly but have been unable to do so since. I have, this year, completed two books! That is a huge hurdle for me and I hope to progressively do more. I have found it easier on my eyes to use a Kindle. My eyes are very bad, esp. my left one, my Diabetes makes the eyesight fluctuate and the Rx has never been right.

I'm glad you have a hobby, and have hopes that enjoyment of it will eventually return.

[boogieman]

Hard day so far today.

Eleven months ago, this afternoon, I asked for Hospice Care for My Paula.

Realizing the implications of that invocation I was sworn to take matters

in hand for My Paula's sake as she and I agreed.

Now I am completely stressed and on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack

because of that fateful decision. I know I acted in My Paula's best interest

but suffer the consequences of having to do so.

I miss you so, My Love.

[kayc]

Chris, Are you blaming yourself for her death? You did everything you could for her!

[boogieman]

No, not blaming, but certainly suffering from the reality of the decisions

I proudly made on My Paula's behalf.

I would do the same again for My Love.

Eleven months later it is still so fresh, so raw, so painful.

[boogieman]

As the time is shortening I find my anxiety rising exponentially with

each passing hour towards 3:00am tomorrow morning.

Haven't been able to sleep, or even think of anything else.

Stomach tied in knots from stress and anxiety.

Haven't been able to eat today.

Extreme headache. Aspirins don't help at all.

Blood pressure up again.

No idea what to do but wait-it-out if possible.

Not sure I can do it again as I am falling apart.

[mfh]

Chris I am so sorry these days are so anxiety provoking and painful. I hope that changes in the near future as I am sure this wears you down physically as well as emotionally. I assume you have tried some relaxation and breathing exercises as well as distracting yourself with TV perhaps. I am so sorry. Mary

[liljo]

Hi Chris,

I haven't posted anything for almost a month, but I read your thread everyday. I just wanted you to know that I thought about you all weekend . . The 14th was the 2 month anniversary of losing my Bill. I can completely understand how you are feeling. I'm falling further and further into isolation. Nobody understands. I don't want to talk too much about my pain, because I don't want to make you feel worse. I just wanted to say that I can relate to every word you write. I hope to find the energy to make some posts soon, but for now, I'll continue to just read. I hope you were able to get a little sleep over the weekend ? Looking forward to hearing how you are doing.

Jo

[boogieman]

Have had to be away from the computer for a few days. Emotionally too hard to deal with.

Has been a hard several days. Little sleep, less rest. Being so isolated, alone, and lonely does not help.

Was awake until 2:30 am on the 15th and up by 7:30 on the 16th. Anxiety riddled day.

Found a distraction but as soon I returned to the reality. No dinner or lunch yesterday.

Had class today so I turned in early at 1:00am, To my great surprise and pleasure, I heard the doorbell at 1:50am

Of course it was My Paula checking-in on me.

Back to bed and wide awake at 3:30 am. I just stayed up. I am so completely tired and exhausted dealing with all this.

Not just today or yesterday either.

Off to school early at 7:00. Back home at 4:00pm. Promptly fell asleep for a power nap.

That means little sleep again tonight. I give up.

I suppose that in some fashion "things" might be better, hard to tell from my perspective.

I did somehow manage to get through the worst part of this monthly hell.

Wednesday, the 19th, is the date of My Paula's memorial service. Lord help me through that, too.

I am told I shouldn't look ahead or anticipate, , but next month is the first year observance of the end of my life,

the end of our lives together, and the tragic loss of My Paula.

I will be very surprised if I make it through that.

Thank you Jo for your kind thoughts and concern. I am sorry for your loss too, being so very fresh for you.

I do understand completely. It is only through talking with and being in the company of others that

do understand is this all even remotely bearable.

The very absence of My Paula is so greatly magnified and exaggerated by the loneliness and isolation.

With her, we were able to face any and all challenges and through sheer will-power overcome.

Sadly that is not the case any longer.

I weep for the loss of My Love, as well as for the life My Paula has been deprived of.

How very sad that one such as she was taken when she was in such an undeserving fashion.

I imaging the "normal routine" will ultimately find it's balance and return to the drudgery inherent there-in

dragging this unwilling participant along to the grist mill of loneliness and mediocrity.

I eagerly await the day I can escape this hell and re-join My Love, My Paula.

[boogieman]

Been away from the computer for a while. Trying to cope. Not doing so well.

Realizing just how abjectly alone and lonely I truly am.

Rather than reaching out I have decided to see if anyone cares or even notices.

Apparently no one does.

I thought that maybe I could hack this solo. Wrong.

Having very dark thoughts creeping around in my empty life and head.

Haven't seen or heard from a single soul since Monday.

Haven't eaten more than a bite or two since Wednesday or Thursday.

I really don't care one way or another.

Trying to find something to occupy my long lonely hours.

So far nothing does so I constantly turn to my Paula but she is not here.

The house looks like a hoarder lives her.

Once again, I don't care.

I can get from the door to my chair to the bathroom to the bedroom.

What more than that is needed?

Never resting and little sleep. No more than a few hours a day.

Maybe I'll make it through tonight.

If I don't, no one will notice for days, maybe even weeks.

Isn't it grand to be alive?

Maybe I'll make it through this night.

[enna]

Hi Chris,

I so understand your needing to be away from things for awhile. Grief does that to us. I am concerned that you are not eating. It is very important that you keep your strength up. We can pick up every illness there is out there because our immune system is weak as it is.

People do care, Chris, they are just occupied with their own daily lives. That is how it is.

I went through a period when I did not care about anything either after Jim died. I was exhausted. I needed sleep and nourishment. My immediate family was out of town. People reached out but I was not receptive to them. After a few months I found this forum. I listened to what others were going through. I realized that those who lost loved ones could and did understand what I was going through. You are not alone. We are here and we listen and we understand.

You mentioned that you had Hospice for your Paula. I also had Hospice for Jim. They were a life line for me. I was caring for Jim by myself and did not even realize that i was at a breaking point. Besides Hospice of the Valley and private nurses I was able to spend the last weeks of Jim's life as his wife and not only his caregiver. That proved to be my life line. When Jim died I spent months in a fog not being able to function. It takes work, Chris, it takes work to do this grief stuff. Each day is a struggle and we will always miss our spouses but we do get through it. It may not seem that way to you right now but you will get through it. You will. Do you write? I journal and write to Jim often. I am close to my two year mark come May 25th. I miss him but I am still here. Most days are better than they were a year ago.

Pick up a phone and call someone to talk to. Ask for help to work out your pain.

Anne