How Do I Move On?

[Shainae]

March 22, 2013, I lost the love of my life after 13 years of being together. For the last 7 years, we fought against stage IV breast cancer knowing that eventually it would be a lost battle. We tried every treatment, saw every doctor, but just couldn't beat the disease. It's so very hard being a young (40) widow and having her two kids and 3 grandchildren to help though this. I'm having such a hard time accepting that she will never be here when I come home. I see her in her children and grandchildren, but it just isn't the same. I don't know how to let go and accept that she's gone. Sometimes, I don't want to let go. Most of the time, I just sit and stare at the walls or try to stay busy, so I don't think about it. However, sooner or later, I sit down and the tears start coming and I can't stop them. Judy was at Hospice of the Valley for the last 28 hours of her life and was kept comfortable by medication. I have a really hard time with the fact that she never had that last moment of lucidity. I just wish she could have woken up for a few brief moments to tell us all that she loved us and that she was okay. No matter how many people tell me that she is okay, I just have a hard time, because I never heard it from her. I know that she was suffering terribly before she passed away, she had a constant migraine for 2 months and her body hurt all the time, she couldn't eat or drink without aspirating. I didn't wish her any additional pain, but I just wanted to hear her voice and see her open her eyes one last time to tell us she loved us. I just don't know how to move past this.

[feralfae]

Dear Shainae,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear Judy. There are no words to take away the sorrow, the pain, and the emptiness right now. Soon, you will begin to feel a little clearer, and things will start to fall into place a little bit. For now, you are numb with pain and emptiness, and so the tears come to help wash some of the grief from your heart. Let the tears fall.

Sometimes, we do not get those last words we long to hear, but it does not mean that the words were not felt and shared. Even thought Judy could not speak to you in those last hours, I know that she was with you, and felt your love as I know you feel hers. In quiet moments, when you sit with the stillness of your grieving heart, you may hear a tiny, quiet voice within, telling you that everything is all right, and that the love goes on, and that she is always with you. I truly believe that Judy would want you to know that she is all right.

There is nothing I can say to make this easier for you. But I want to say that it does get easier, and as the pain of the loss lessens a little bit, we can be more open to the voice of spirit within our hearts, and come to know peace from the loving feelings we still share with our Beloved. My Doug has been gone 17 months, after a long battle with cancer, and I still long for him every day. But I also know that his love is with me, that he is still caring for and loving me, and that our love will not end.

I don't think we can move past this grief. We do, however, move through it in time. I am still moving through. Please give yourself all the time you need to cry and express your grief, and bring your broken heart here, where many of us will listen, respond, and do all we can to help you on this tremendously painful and difficult grief journey. There are some wonderful people here who have helped me more than I can express. I am only able to function as well as I do today because of the loving support and compassion of this Tribe that Marty has welcomed around this fire. Welcome to you, dear Shainae.

You have come to a good and loving place, with many compassionate people who are also making this journey through loss and pain, through heartbreak and grief.

I am sending you wishes for peace as you travel this journey of loss and grief. We are here to listen, share compassion and understanding, and also to share our own experiences. Everything you are feeling is truly normal. I am so glad you can express it and that you are able to cry. I am glad you have found this place for support and caring. Welcome. I am so very sorry that losing your dear Judy is what brought you here. I hope you can find a moment or two of peace and solace this day.

Blessings,

fae

[MartyT]

Shainae, my dear, I am so sorry to learn of the death of your love, and you surely do have our heartfelt sympathy. I don't suppose any of us can tell you "how to move past this" ~ but we certainly are here to support you and walk with you as you move through it.

Because your love was on Hospice of the Valley's service, I hope you know that, in addition to this warm and compassionate site, you have available to you all the grief support services and resources we have to offer, including in-person grief support groups, short-term individual grief counseling, educational materials and Internet resources. This is a long and arduous journey, but you are not alone, and it can help so much to know more about what is normal in grief, to share with others who understand, and to find personal ways to express what you are experiencing. If you'd like to learn more, I encourage you to call 602-530-6970 or visit Hospice of the Valley's Grief Support Services.

[mfh]

Great post, Marty...for a new member to know what is there and a bit about grief itself.

[mfh]

Dear Shainae, I am so sorry for your loss. We here all understand this kind of pain. I am glad you found this site...you will find understanding, compassion and support here. You said you don't know how to "move past" this. I would like to suggest you think of "moving through" it instead. And it takes most people quite a while to get to a place where the pain and grief is carried more easily. Moving through it means self care, first and foremost as grief is exhausting. It means allowing tears to fall and pain to surface. Swallowing it down or ignoring it does not work. It is still there and eventually, even 20 years later, will surface if one tries to run from it. That is where this group comes in. We share that pain with those who comprehend spousal loss...we listen and respond and walk with you and each other. Check out my post today on the topic "The Bridge" and it gives you an idea of what it is like here. Face to face support groups and individual counseling are also helpful and something I chose to do when Bill died 3 years ago. Do come back and people come and go here and will reach out and support you.

I am sorry Judy was unable to open her eyes and speak to you. To assist with that pain, consider the thousands of times she did tell you of her love in so many ways from a hug, to words, to a great dinner and more. That love did not change as she moved from here to the other side of death's veil.

Peace to your heart,

mary

[kayc]

Shainae,

I am so sorry for your loss and I do understand how hard it is to not get that "one last time" to share with each other before they go, because that was my experience also. Mostly I just wanted to assure my George I'd be okay so as to relieve his mind and tell him it was "okay" for him to go (even though my heart and soul cried out against it).

One thing I have learned is that our love never ended in death, it continues still. I've learned to carry him in my heart, and eventually you will to. I reach down inside whenever I need his comfort or encouragement.

You have found a good place to come to here, and I hope you will continue to come back here and voice yourself. It does help to express ourselves, and we'll be here to help you through your grief journey if you desire.

[Shainae]

So, after seeing my psychologist today, I was reminded/informed that I have to move on. This includes learning that our home is now my home and making it such. Getting out of the house, even though all I want is to hide and stay away from people beyond the interactions that I am required to participate in i.e. work, grocery shopping, taking dog for walk, communicating with family. I have been told that Judy would have wanted me to move on and find another person to share my life with. I was informed that doing that does not have to happen now. My concern is that I'm not interested in spending time with other people. I was with my soulmate for 13 years, I believe that you only get one shot at it. I had mine. What's the point in trying again when I know the inevitable outcome is pain, sadness, etc? I am also very picky about letting people into the house. I feel as though other people (friends, etc) will contaminate the home and the likelihood of Judy's spirit coming back to see me will be diminished. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but they are definitely thoughts that are going through my head. I don't know how to move on, I'm not sure I want to move on. If I stay i this place, I kinda feel as though Judy is still with me even though I know that she always wanted me to start making decisions on my own and wanted me to be more social (we weren't able to do that the last 3 years as the cancer was progressing). I just feel lost, confused, stuck, and unsure of what to do.

Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Shaina

[kayc]

Excuse me? You were told you have to move on, spend time with people more than you do in your already full life, AND you have to find someone else to spend your life with? Your therapist is lucky it wasn't me he/she was talking to!

You can go your own pace. And what they mean by "moving on" does NOT mean moving AWAY from your loved one. You don't ever have to leave her behind. And it is YOUR decision alone if you want to spend your life alone or with someone else. Many do not elect to remarry, and that is okay! I guess what I'm trying to say is someone has the nerve telling you how to do this grief journey, everyone is unique and you will find your way in your time.

[mfh]

So, after seeing my psychologist today, I was reminded/informed that I have to move on. This includes learning that our home is now my home and making it such. Getting out of the house, even though all I want is to hide and stay away from people beyond the interactions that I am required to participate in i.e. work, grocery shopping, taking dog for walk, communicating with family. I have been told that Judy would have wanted me to move on and find another person to share my life with. I was informed that doing that does not have to happen now. My concern is that I'm not interested in spending time with other people. I was with my soulmate for 13 years, I believe that you only get one shot at it. I had mine. What's the point in trying again when I know the inevitable outcome is pain, sadness, etc? I am also very picky about letting people into the house. I feel as though other people (friends, etc) will contaminate the home and the likelihood of Judy's spirit coming back to see me will be diminished. I don't know if these feelings are normal, but they are definitely thoughts that are going through my head. I don't know how to move on, I'm not sure I want to move on. If I stay i this place, I kinda feel as though Judy is still with me even though I know that she always wanted me to start making decisions on my own and wanted me to be more social (we weren't able to do that the last 3 years as the cancer was progressing). I just feel lost, confused, stuck, and unsure of what to do.

Any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Shaina

Shaina, I wonder how you felt about what you were told to do by your therapist. What is your gut telling you? What does your heart tell you about your healing and grieving? At three months, I am assuming that you are just beginning to come out of the shock and fog, still paralyzed with loss and grief. To "move on" when you are paralyzed with sorrow and grief is just impossible. What does move on even mean? If you plan to continue with this therapist, I urge you to get in touch with your own gut and needs and voice and share that and see how it is received, see if you feel like this person hears your pain. Then decide whether or not to find another therapist or continue. Is this person a trained grief counselor? Of course you feel "lost, confused, stuck and unsure of what to do". You are 3 months out from the worst day of your life. Your life has been turned inside out and upside down. Read some of the posts here and see what all of us have and are experiencing and see how we support each other on this journey. See how that feels to you. Let us know what you decide. Peace, Mary

[MartyT]

Shainae, my dear, I am stunned to read that barely three months into your grief journey, your psychologist is reminding/informing you that you "have to move on." Please understand that a psychologist does not necessarily have experience, education, training, and certification in grief counseling ~ and just based on what you've shared with us, I'm willing to guess that your therapist may be one of those. You may find this article to be of interest: Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? I also encourage you to go back and read my earlier post in this thread, about the bereavement services available to you through Hospice of the Valley.

[Shainae]

I am seeing a grief counselor though Hospice of the Valley too. In my case, I'm dealing with grief, a history of clinical depression and PTSD from my childhood. So, I've got a grief counselor, psychologist and now a psychiatrist all trying to help with the grief, depression, and PTSD. I do understand what the psychologist is saying. I understand that my biggest problem right now is that I still want to remain in denial over my loss. I understand that if given the choice, I will hide in my own head and never face the truth. I also understand that I prefer to hide in our house (a safe place) waiting and hoping that Judy's spirit will come and visit me. I know that her spirit is more likely to visit me if I am doing okay and not deep in despair or depression because I won't be "open" to her visiting. I am just not sure how to move on. Having people over to visit is hard. Sometimes I just want to sit and stare at the walls and that's hard to do when people are visiting. Sometimes, I just want to sit and cry. I learned at a very early age that crying is a sign of weakness and I don't want people to see that weakness. I know that what I learned was incorrect, but it is hard to unlearn things.

[mfh]

So it sounds like it was your psychologist who urged you to move on, get out of the house and more.

I would like to suggest if that is the case that you talk with your grief counselor from Hospice and run the ideas past that person and get their input on what is going on. You have a lot of helpers and coordinating them is important or you are left spinning. And right now, this close to a loss, you are vulnerable. I found it hard to think after Bill died...for months. It all felt like a nightmare. At three months after a loss...one is still in shock. Call it denial if you will but I think the fog is heavy at three months and it is hard to believe a person has died or that the death is real. It is hard to get our brains around it. That sounds normal to me.

I would urge you to contact the grief counselor around this loss. Run all of what is going on past that person. My humble opinion.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Shainae,

You have a very full plate. I am so sorry that you must deal with so many things at one time, and please know that many of us here have gone through multiple levels of pain, grief, and illness all at once, and I hope we can help you on this journey. I have been helped on this journey of grief here, and everyone will reach out to help you.

Is it possible that you can reach out to one person, and have them come over for just an hour? Sometimes, we need to take very small steps before we can take long walks again. It was a while before I was able to leave the house without heart flutters, and at best, I would walk to the end of the path in our yard, and sit on a bench, covered in snow, and sit there for five minutes, then I would need to go back into the house where I felt safe and protected from all the battering of the world and of Doug's leaving.

I can remember when all I could do was sit and cry. I think we can all relate to that time and that feeling. And, yes, so many get taught that crying is a sign of weakness. Learning to cry as an adult is not so easy, but you can cry in the shower, in your bedroom, or in your house when no one is there. And if you cry in public, or when other people are around, please know that it is a sign of courage to be able and willing to let your tears fall where there are witnesses to your pain and grief.

We are given so very many choices, and the best advice I ever got from anyone about this was simply, "Follow your heart."

I don't think any of us know how to move on. And moving on does not mean leaving the love behind -- we always take that with us. It is something that just happens. I still have my Doug with me every day. Today, I was going to start to mow the yard, and had the tractor running and was so proud of myself, then I discovered a very flat tire on the tractor. Doug always fixed the flat tires. I will figure it out, but it really threw me for a few minutes, and I just sat on the tractor and cried, feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of life alone. So I came back inside to hide for a while and let myself feel my loneliness. I'll go back out soon and figure out how to deal with this flat tire. I do need to mow the yard.

I think you are doing so very well to be here with us, sharing, and to be able to acknowledge your grief, pain, and all that you are sorting through right now. It takes a while. It takes its own time. I wish I could assure you that tomorrow will be better, but some days are better and some days are worse. But please keep coming here to share with us, and we will share with you, and together, we will all make this journey.

For today, I wish you peace, that your tears flow freely, and that you are able to sit with yourself, perhaps mediate, and love yourself and give yourself lots of compassion and space to feel your own pain, and they release some of it into the universe, so that a little of the pain can leave your heart.

We are all here, holding your heart and praying for you, and hoping that for today, at least for today, you can find one moment of peace in the midst of your grief.

Blessings, and some *<fairy dust>* as you live through this difficult time and this day. Go very gently with yourself through these days, dear Shainae. It takes time.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[KATPILOT]

Shainae,

One thing I am sure you have heard from the help you have been getting, is that you cannot go around grief. It will just catch up to you someday. Going through it is the only way and hard as it is, you have come to the right place.

I kind of relate to you on loosing someone so young. My bride was only 51 when she left. Forty is so wrong. I feel for you.I had only fourteen years married to Kathy yet they were the best years of my life because she was perfect. I was lucky enough to have known that joy even if it had been only one year.

You have a hard road ahead as we all have but taking care of her children as well? Good for you. We all understand how hard that must be. March is so recent. I hope you can just take one day at a time as you go through this journey.

Remember this, crying is not a sign of weakness. No damn way in ++++. Weather you realize it or not, She is with you when you are suffering. She knows that is when you need her the most.

Stephen

[KATPILOT]

I wanted to also mention that Hospice of the Valley offers to you grief support groups which meet at different locations in the valley twice a month. You can find that information at www.hov.org/grief-support-groups .

I used this tool to help get through those early times and I am so greatfull for the help I received. I also read the book they distribute to hospice families which for your early jouney might be helpfull as well. It certainly was for me.

[Queeniemary]

Shainae, you have already had such good advice from Marty, Mary and others, that I won't try to add anything. I believe they have covered it all. I just want to say I am so very sorry for your loss, and so very sorry you have to make this journey that none of us wanted to make. I have been on this journey 3 1/2 years, and these people on this forum are a big reason that I have survived. Get enough rest if you can, try to eat well, and take care of yourself. You have only just started this journey and you will need your strength. And keep coming here, even if you don't post. I find that I get valuable advice just reading posts, seems that much I needed to know is covered one way or another. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, hoping for strength and peace for you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Shainae]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. It is very difficult to navigate through this. I watched my parents lose their parents, I lost my aunt and watched my cousins go through this and I thought I was ready to partake on this journey. I made the decision to go hospice when Judy couldn't make a decision anymore. We had spoken of it many times in the 7 years leading up to her passing. I knew she couldn't take the suffering anymore and I couldn't bare the thought of putting her through more treatments knowing that the inevitable would come with even more pain and suffering. I worked so hard to take care of her and our family. I worked 6 days a week to keep us afloat. Only thinking of the brief times I could sit and be with her. She always told me, I'd mourn for a few months and then I'd find a new partner and I'd be okay. I'm not sure if she said that to make herself feel better or if it was for me. All I know is that it is very difficult without her. So many times, I have questions about how to care for the plants, the trees, when to shave the dogs and trim the cats claws, but she isn't here for me to ask anymore. I should have listened to her when she told me all those things instead of hiding in my own head. Now I have to figure it out on my own. I relied on her for advice and guidance always. She used to tell me that sooner or later I would have to learn to stand on my own 2 feet. I guess I always hoped it would never come to that. Here we are, I'm alone, I have to make the decisions. I hate it.

Shaina

[mfh]

Dear Shaina,

You were brave and made an incredible decision by "going hospice" and allowing Judy a peaceful death. I would say you have a great deal of strength and the decisions you now have to make alone will come from your wisdom and love. And, by the way, you are not alone...you are here...with all of us...who also hoped "it would never come to that" but it did and our spouses/partners/beloved have died and this circle of people supporting each other on their journeys through grief is here for you and all of us.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Shaina,

All of us came to rely upon our partners, they were our other half. But after they passed, little by little we had to make decisions on our own, and I think you'll rise to the occasion when you've had to. You've already been making decisions, such as going hospice, and how to handle her death (burial/cremation/service, etc.). We will continue to be here for you as you walk through this journey...we know what it's like to lose the most important person in the world to us.

[enna]

My dear Shaina,

I am so very sorry to hear that you have lost your soulmate, Judy. Thirteen years is a long time. Any time is a long time when you have come to trust and love someone. So many others have already said what I would say to you under these circumstances. I just want you to know that it is good to have you here where people listen, hear, and understand. This is your journey and no one can tell you how to take it. We each take it as we are guided by our hearts. There are many, many resources available to you. Find the ones that are right for you. Be sure that you are seeking the help of a grief counselor though. Remember, 'grief is not a sickness' and that can't be mixed in with anything else. Hospice counselors know how to guide and direct you through this difficult time.

Have you visited Marty's site yet? It is well worth spending some time there. www.griefhealing.com/

As Kay said, 'we know what it is like to lose the most important person in our lives.' This is a safe place to be. Anne