feralfae Posted July 6, 2014 Report Share Posted July 6, 2014 Dear Karen, I am carrying you and Debbie in my prayers and in my heart. I am relieved to hear that she has a pain pump now, and I hope that by the end of today, the medication is adjusted so that Debbie is comfortable. I slept with Doug most nights, except when I needed to get some actual sleep, then I had a nurse to sit in the bedroom with him while I slept on the sofa. I know how painful it is to slowly let go of someone we love, and to yet, those last days with Doug are still a wonder to me, because the love flowed freely and we were able to love each other in peace, just filled with love and the promise of the future together. Maybe things have been arranged so that you and Debbie can have those nights together, while her husband is at work, so that you can simply love each other and share the love flowing from your hearts. I am so glad you are there with her, even if I am so sorry for the reasons. I hope you can find some peace within and just let the love flow. Namaste. Peace to your heart, and Much Love, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted July 6, 2014 Report Share Posted July 6, 2014 Jan a very happy birthday to you. Karen, My heart is so hurting for you. I am not sure that there is anything worse than watching your child suffer, and know that you can really do nothing about it. I am so glad that you are with Debbie, and that hospice is helping. My prayers and thoughts are with you. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted July 6, 2014 Report Share Posted July 6, 2014 Jan, Happy Birthday! Congratulations on making it through the night with your granddaughter. I know she is bringing you some joy and lots of comfort, just being there with you. Happy, happy day and month to you, dear Jan. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted July 6, 2014 Report Share Posted July 6, 2014 Oh everyone, thank you for birthday wishes. I know I'm lucky to be here, even though sometimes it's hard to appreciate that. But reading Karen's posts makes me know I shouldn't complain. I'm so glad you are with your daughter Karen, even though it must be so very very hard for you. One hour left of my birthday. It's been different! Good though. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2014 Now this is a story that needs to be read ~ I just had to share. . . http://www.tickld.com/x/this-guy-just-changed-the-way-we-seecalvin-and-hobbes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2014 I heard from Karen tonight and things are intensifying with Debbie. Karen said I could let you know what is going on and she just hasn't posted because the news is bleak and she didn't want to upset anyone ~ I assured her that we are all here for her and we carry her in our hearts. They are looking forward to her birthday party this weekend. Here is her e-mail: > Hi Anne, > > I have not posted much as the news is bleak. Cannot remember when I posted last, but on Saturday, Debbie was in such agonizing pain that I called hospice & they have hooked her up to a pain pump. The initial dosage was so high that it made her dizzy, nauseous & completely disoriented. The dosage has been backed off a bit & a nausea patch added in addition to the nausea pill. She is sleeping a great deal of the time as she has dilaudid from the pump & fentanyl patches, both a derivitive of morphine along with Ativan. The nurse suggested eliminating 1 of the Ativan, which I did. She is still able to walk to the bathroom with assistance, but don't know how long that may last. They also brought a shower chair, wheelchair, & potty if needed & will provide a bed, if requested. > > Although she may know what is happening, we are acting as if she will get better. She must never lose hope. > > Her family & "church" family built a ramp at the back door, in case she should feel up to gettiing out, but I think the chances of that are slim. I did get her out on the front porch for a short time. They have also been bringing meals & spending time with her. We have planned a party for her 50th birthday this weekend. I hope she will at least be able to enjoy it some. > > This, of course is not what I experienced with Ron, but I know many of you went through this same type of thing & I don't want to stir up unpleasant memories for anyone, but please feel free to relate what I have written to our friends. > > Love, > > Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 11, 2014 Report Share Posted July 11, 2014 Karen, I'm so sorry your daughter is having such a rough time, I did go through it with my MIL, but can't begin to imagine how hard it'd be with my daughter...my MIL was my best friend and that was hard enough. I do hope she is able to enjoy some of her birthday. I think it's wonderful that her church family is there for her, that really helps. I hope she will continue to be ambulatory. Sleep is good, it gives some relief. We miss you here and you never need to worry about bringing any of us down, you couldn't possibly! We love you and care for you and keep you in our heartfelt prayers, and of course your daughter, Debbie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted July 11, 2014 Report Share Posted July 11, 2014 Karen, don't ever hesitate to come here and post. We are here for you. So very sorry that things are looking so bad. Glad that the friends and church family are helping out. Just know that I am continuing to pray and hold you and Debbie and her family in my heart. QMary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted July 11, 2014 Report Share Posted July 11, 2014 Dear Karen, I am sorry things are not going better, but I know you are thankful you can be there, and that Debbie is thankful that you are there at this time. Having gone through much the same process with Doug, I can say that the pain pump is a true blessing. I hope they get debbie's pain medicine adjusted so that Debbie can be alert but out of pain. It is such a delicate balance. I am holding you both in prayer, and send all loving and peaceful wishes to everyone there, and especially for you, dear Karen. namaste, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 13, 2014 Report Share Posted July 13, 2014 Megan Devine (author, therapist, blogger) is attending Camp Widow this weekend and posted this. I believe the contents of her post speak to what we all find right here in these forums and discussion groups...from and with each other.She even uses the word coined by our fae: "tribe". http://us7.campaign-archive2.com/?u=65cb04e36e42aca80e299ef67&id=ebaea73e4d&e=503bc56b58 Hello dear one. As this edition of the weekly letter comes out, I am greeting the first day of my sixth year of widowhood. I had to go back and check - to count on my fingers - to be sure that number was right. Though I marked the 5th anniversary of Matt's death yesterday, I am now in my 6th year. That is pure crazy talk. He was just here a little while ago. And he has been gone forever. I'm away at Camp Widow this weekend, surrounded by many of the people who helped me survive those early years of grief. That's how we get through this: side by side with other devastated, broken-hearted people. There is a companionship, a kinship, in deep pain. Honestly, I think that kinship is the only thing that heals. Being with other people who understand the depth of your pain doesn't fix anything. As I've said a million times, some things cannot be fixed, they can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried. Finding those people who truly understand that - it's a gift like no other. To be in a place where no one corrects your grief. To be in a place where what is true for you is heard and acknowledged; where no one - NO ONE - tries to talk you out of your pain. To be in a place where you never have to apologize for the tears rolling down your face at seemingly strange moments. To be among people who will not do that hand-on-the-forearm, tilt of the head, pitying look that says, "oh I know just how you feel," when you know they do not know how you feel. To be welcomed and held in a place of such deep, inconsolable pain - whether you find that on-line, or in person - doesn't fix anything. And yet, it makes it better. Even just one person, one person you relate to, one person in whom you can see yourself reflected, makes a difference. I wish that for you, my loves. To find the people you belong with, the ones who will see your pain, companion you, hold you close, even as the heavy lifting of grief is yours alone. I wish for you to find each small piece of your tribe - your people, your reflection. Look for them. Collect them. Knit them into a vast flotilla of light that can hold you. Kinship makes a difference. Connection is powerful. As always, I love your questions and your comments. Remember, when you hit "reply" to this newsletter, your email comes right to me. I'd love to hear from you. Talk soon, Megan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 13, 2014 Report Share Posted July 13, 2014 Megan Devine (author, therapist, blogger) is attending Camp Widow this weekend and posted this. I believe the contents of her post speak to what we all find right here in these forums and discussion groups...from and with each other.She even uses the word coined by our fae: "tribe". http://us7.campaign-...4d&e=503bc56b58 Blessings to you, Mary, and thank you ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 13, 2014 Report Share Posted July 13, 2014 Thank you for that. This is a sacred place, here with this tribe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2014 I agree ~ this is a sacred place. We are not judged ~ we are heard. I believe we have our own "camp widow" right here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted July 13, 2014 Report Share Posted July 13, 2014 I've found that next to the people on this site Megan Devine speaks to me how I feel myself. I did her writing course which I would recommend. I have her audio and it's so good. She tells it like it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted July 13, 2014 Report Share Posted July 13, 2014 Yes, thank you Marty. I belong to a few tribes, and all the words Megan uses to evoke that sense of Belonging are excellent concepts to define Tribe. Tara also talks about the need for belonging on one of her YouTube videos, but I do not remember which one, sorry. Tribe is the traditional human identification with a group, clan, sept, kinship circle. Tribal mirroring of each other lies at the heart of tribal belonging. Tribe members know each other. We learn a lot about each other here around your fire. We look into the depths of each other's darkness of the spirit as we walk this grief journey. (I acknowledge that many living creatures have tribes. I once had a long discussion about a Tribe of Aspen in Colorado. And while we humans call them wolf packs and dog packs, I think they see themselves as members of a Tribe. They are naturally empathetic.) I sometimes think that the day Doug left, I was mortally wounded to the very center of my being, and that all this time since has been a very challenging journey to come back to being able to play among the living. This is a very slow process, where I can go out sometimes for an hour a day; sometimes for all day, and sometimes I need to stay home and hide, hibernate, cocoon, and let my mind, heart, and body do more healing. I am having such a day today after a very busy and social day yesterday. But I have this intimate little village, called the internet, where I live in my little electronic lodge, which lets me walk into other little villages, mirroring with a few tribe members here and there . . . There are the climbers, there are the archaeologists, there are the artists, there are the poets, and when my heart needs healing and my words need hearing, there is here, with this Tribe around this fire. This is one of my very valued Tribes. I smile and nod my head in affirmation of my sense of Belonging, because I am really thankful and actually glad to be a member of this Tribe, even if not the reason I am here. I Belong here. It feels very comforting to be mirrored in my grief. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 13, 2014 Report Share Posted July 13, 2014 ....and fae, we are honored and blessed to know you are a part of this sacred tribe. You bring much light and peace to the circle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted July 13, 2014 Report Share Posted July 13, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2014 This is a new video that just came out remembering a beautiful lady, Darcie Sims. Thank you The Grief Tool Box for this memory. "grief is like an artichoke" ~ look for Darcie's explanation in the video. I needed kleenex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 15, 2014 Report Share Posted July 15, 2014 Thank you so much, Anne. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 15, 2014 Report Share Posted July 15, 2014 Darcie was one of a kind, that's for sure, and she is sorely missed. Thank you for sharing this with all of us, dear Anne ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted July 15, 2014 Report Share Posted July 15, 2014 Thank you dear Anne. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2014 I received an e-mail from our Karen tonight. Her Debbie is not doing well. Prayers are needed for the family. She said that I could share ~ I do so with a heavy heart and feel so very helpless ~ we need to gather around our fire and hold her close. Hi Anne, ...... I am so sad to say that Debbie's condition is deteriorating rapidly. Hope I am not repeating myself. It is getting difficult to keep it all straight. I have never been through a "death process" such as this, but I know some of our friends may have. I just don't know what else to call it. Last Friday she did not awaken at her usual early time. Her husband went to town to do errands & the hospice nurse arrived around noon & had a difficult time waking her, but did so. She was like a limp rag & it was surmised by her condition that she had 24 to 48 hours remaining. Her pain meds were increased, relatives notified, & I flew my son here on Saturday afternoon. We had decided to continue with the birthday plans in hopes she would rally. Surprisingly, she did. We were all stunned as she was awake for a lot of the day. She was happy to see her brother, but a bit confused as to his appearance. I'm sure that gave her a clue as to the seriousness of her condition. At this point, she was still eating a bit & walking with assistance to the bathroom. She was adamant about not pushing the bolus dose for more pain meds. Sunday thru Tuesday were bad & her husband began carrying her to bed & bathroom & sometimes using the wheelchair. It was painful for her to be moved, but it was what she wanted. Monday was complete chaos as I had to call Hospice in the late afternoon as the pain was becoming unbearable despite the extra bolus doses. While waiting for a callback, her husband left for the 2 hour drive to the airport to drop off my son. In all the confusion, no one had checked the flight status. I remembered about 45 min. after they left. Sure enough, his flight had been cancelled, My granddaughter & I had 3 phones going. One to stop the guys on the way to the airport, one for the hospice callback, & one to try & get another flight for my son. I secured the last seat on the nonstop for the next day. When hospice came out, they surmised she wouldn't make it thru the night. She did & slept all day Wed. with extra meds every 20 minutes. She was on continuous oxygen by this time. This morning, she could not breathe so her oxygen concentrator is now at highest level. She no longer gets up for the bathroom, so other things have been implemented. She began calling for all of us & hallucinates frequently. We are giving her water, gatorade, & jello by the half teaspoon as that is all she can tolerate. Someone must be with awake with her 24/7 to administer the drugs every 20 min. As she is still somewhat in control, hospice will not increase the continuous dosage without her okay. This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever been through. She is so frightened & I am once again helpless. Thinking of you & our friends. Please feel free to pass this along. Love, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted July 18, 2014 Report Share Posted July 18, 2014 Oh they are in my thoughts. What a hard hard path. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 18, 2014 Report Share Posted July 18, 2014 Oh my dear Karen, that is so hard. Yes, many of us have been through this with someone we loved, the hardest thing there is. My prayers are with you, with your daughter, her husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeL Posted July 18, 2014 Report Share Posted July 18, 2014 You and Debbie and all your loved ones are in my thoughts. I send strength for this transition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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