No Where Else To Write This Because No One Would Notice

[LarrysGirl]

I am overwhelmed tonite, wanting to cry, too tired to make sense of it all.

All of my life, I have done the right thing, kept my chin up, persevered against all odds. When my dad died, I took care of my mother and brother, my children and set my feelings aside. When my children's father cheated on me many times over, some how I chose not to feel or see. When he left us and let my precious home go into foreclosure, I prayed for strength, protected my boys and never let on that my heart was broken leaving that house behind. I could not look back.

I met Larry and the acceptance of "me", just "me", all broken down, sorrowful, fearful and walls built all around, some how he made it to my heart. He saved my soul. But he is gone. I've felt my grief and struggled with all of this almost 8 years. Again, I am at that place where I feel non-existent. My soul is empty and tired.

I had to get a job, almost a yr. now, to survive financially. I had to do the right thing. No one notices, not even "me", Today I had another 5 hour. training class, I don't remember a word the instructor said. The strain of life is too much. I'm so tired. There is nothing that will soothe this exhaustion, mend my heart. I try, everyday I try. But I'm much too tired to keep this up. Tomorrow I have to try again, but really I don't want to.

[enna]

Hello Deborah, I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. Crying is good. It does release those toxins we have inside of us.

I have these gardenias growing both inside and out doors today and just decided to send the picture to you - comfort without words.

Your Larry is not 'gone' because he is still with you. He IS with you. This grief journey we are on is very tiring. It creeps up on us. You will get up tomorrow and begin another day and smell the gardenias - if only in your imagination. Our imaginations help us to survive the darkest of times. I came on tonight to respond to another post and I read yours. Focus on the gardinias, dear Deborah. You know what they mean - I think this could be a message from your Larry. Anne

[HAP]

I understand tired. Not eight years of tired--but I get it. My sinkhole today pushed me over an edge I did not know was there. It did not make me angry or sad--it just made me aware of being tired. It is not so much physical as emotional, mental and spiritual. I keep coming back to Job. There came a point at which he, too, had had enough. But he kept moving forward.

So...deep breath and let it out. Repeat several times as needed. As often as needed. We're here for a reason. We face these things for a reason. Damned if I know what it is some days, but there it is. We keep trying to move forward because that is who we are. There is no failure, someone said once, except in not trying. So we keep trying because it is the right thing to do--the only thing we can do and still be true to who we are.

You exist. We know you are there. We accept who you are--and we do so in unconditional love. Your soul may feel empty, but we all can feel its love. And you may feel weary, but we are here to hold you so you can rest.

Be well. Remember we are here for you--just as you are here when one of us needs you.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Dear Heart,

Thank you for your clear call for comfort and attention, thank you.

Here we are, all around you {{{hugs}}} all tossing *<fairy dust>* and love all over you and around you, precious spirit. Watch the love pouring in during the next 24 hours from all over Earth. This is a miraculous place. *<twinkles>*

What is one thing you can do for yourself today, just for you? Can you take two minutes to sit with your broken heart, and offer only compassion and love?

This is not an easy path, even if everything else in life is smooth. Yours has been terribly rough. I am so sorry the trials and hard times continue for you. How can we help to ease your path, give you some hope, help you to find a bit more strength, get a second wind, and become determined to find as much joy in each day as the dawn gives us, and build from that promise into more minutes of joy? We are here, wanting to comfort you.

Remember, light always follows darkness. We are humans in a cycle of shadowed days. Let us hold your heart and help you until you can see more light. How may we help you with this burden of grief and loss you are carrying with so much pain?

We really are listening, although sometimes it may seem we are too tangled in our own grief to hear you. We do. Please be patient with us.

Stay and heal with us, and help us to heal others. Your spirit is a significant component of this fire, you know. *<twinkles>*

Peace and Lightness to you, if only for moments.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[feralfae]

See?

Even whilst I was typing that, the Love was already pouring in.

We will get through this.

I hold you in my heart, and I send

Blessings and Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Deborah

What can I say except keep going as you obviously know how to do. Tomorrow is another day. Ok you are probably thinking Yes, another hard day. We are with you, as Fae says. We are all in this pit of despair together but we are all doing our best to cope, as you, brave soul, are doing. You are not non-existent while you are here. Jan

[MartyT]

Deborah, my dear, please know that we most certainly do "notice" you here, and we all know that we would not be the same without your presence among us. You are an essential and valued part of us, and I hope you know how very much you are loved. ♥

[Queeniemary]

Deborah, I am so sorry that you feel so overwhelmed. You have had it so hard, and I understand the feelings of "I just cannot take anymore". As Harry said, we are all here for a reason, and although at times the reason or plan for our existence may escape us, it is still there. What you are learning through the things that are overwhelming you, may be of great help to another some day. Although honestly, that probably is not much comfort right now. Please know that we do understand, and wish that there was something we could do to help you, rather than offer words. Just know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[LarrysGirl]

So another day has come, I need peace and quiet, no tv, no computer, turned down the a/c so I don't have to hear it running, just quiet, even if for a little while. Still in melt down mode but I feel all of the "love" and support from all of you and I thank you. Made me cry because all of "you" know and understood what I was saying. What I wrote was just the tip of the iceberg, my life has been filled with trauma and pain. I got to know what it feels like to be loved and I am so grateful I had Larry in my life, I was safe in the world. He is with me, I know that, just wish I could hold him for a minute.

Thanks everyone, taking time to rest and "breathe" before work. You have helped me hang on another day, Deborah

[LarrysGirl]

Let me add... thank you Enna for remembering gardenia's, I can see his face, smiling, surprising me with a bouquet of gardenia's.

Also, my Maggie (our foxhound) had emergency surgery last tues. She is recovering well and will be fine, maybe that is what has caught up with me. It was very costly but had to be done.

Thanks everyone again, nice to know that you care, Deborah

[kayc]

Deborah,

I understand and there are times I feel sunk too...I've been married to somebody-or-other for 35 years but less than four of those years were truly good...with George. Why he had to go, I don't know, but I do know how hard it is to keep going and try to survive on my own...I can empathize.

Lately, I've been feeling "too old" too keep up with the youngsters in the work force. They catch on so fast and are so much better at technology than I am. But I have to hang in there, I can't afford to retire.

I come home and after walking Arlie, collapse. I seldom go on line in the evenings, I'm too exhausted after my workday & commute. So I do understand the need to just sit in the quiet, and it can be truly restorative to do so.

Call me any time, do you have both of my numbers? (my cell doesn't work at home).

Hugs!

Kay

[LarrysGirl]

Hi my friend, just getting off now and like you ready to go collapse. So tired, need to get Maggie and go upstairs, call it a night, Love you, Deborah

[enna]

Deborah,

I came across this video tonight that I have in my collection of videos and it just makes me feel good when I’m feeling a little down. I thought of you. As we struggle from day to day sometimes we just need to hear that we are beautiful and things will be all right.

It’s a short music video and I hope it makes you feel just a little better as you watch it. Anne

[teny]

hellow my far away friend. IM so sorry you feel that way but I do understand . I have the same feeling and some days I want to run away and hide . nothing gives me pleasure and keep asking WHY.I had Yiany in me life the only man I ever met and we were so in love.I try to find confort looking at my children that are part of him.YOU gave me confort when I first came here.I want you to know that Im thinking of you and hope that you will find strenght again.I wish I could expres my thoughts better.I can do better in my native laguage but it is all Greek toyou! love from far away.Teny

[LarrysGirl]

Anne, I just watched the video, I remember that song and by the way I LOVE horses, always wanted one, used to ride as a child. It made me smile, thank you!

Teny, so happy to hear from you, thank you for reaching out, it has been a long time. I know that you are going through the same thing and dealing with the loss has not become much easier. I wish you some comfort too. I remember when you joined us and I think of you often. You are a part of this family so please stay in touch. Love to you, Deborah

[kayc]

I, too, remember that...how can you go wrong with horses and the ocean!

[kayc]

Teny,

Yes, it's good to hear from you...what I find we all have in common is this amazing great love we had with our partners...there's no way we could ever understand why we had to lose them so soon.

[Greta]

I too am tired of resisting the truth of impermanence and the reality of loss. I come here, read posts, cry, feel kinship in sorrow and occasionally shriek in shame and despair. Harry, your words are strong and go straight to the heart of my struggle. It is some sort of penultimate struggle to let go and let "God."

I am grateful for all of you. Last time I was on, I deleted my post because I was embarrassed by my desperation. I have a "stop and start" style I do not like. I am unreliable.

[HAP]

Dear Greta,

Never be embarrassed by your desperation--or anything else--here. We've all been there. Putting what you feel down on "paper" and sharing it is often helpful. Don't worry how it sounds--just let it out.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Greta,

Never feel embarrassed to write here, that's why we're all here. We understand. Not all of us are superheroes like Harry, he has a special calling because of his wife, Jane, but most of us are just plain folks that don't accomplish much beyond making it through the day. This journey is hard, whether it's been a month or ten years, and we need each other.

There is power in being able to voice yourself and comfort in knowing we all accept and understand.

Kay

[LarrysGirl]

Greta, we are just sharing our souls, hearts and pain, you can never make a mistake and no need to feeling embarrassed here. Deborah

[feralfae]

Dear Greta,

This is a safe place to share and let your feelings flow. I have tossed so much anger through my keyboard here that I sometimes wonder if I will ever get it all out.

And some days, I am so empty I cannot even share about the emptiness here, so I just curl into myself and whimper for as long as it takes for some of the pain to clear.

There are as many ways of expressing this grief as there are people. I think we all understand that, and I have found everyone here to be accepting and compassionate, even if I am goofy or nattering.

Welcome to this very safe place. My fingers keep wanting to type words like sage, wisdom, wise, or knowing. I think it is the atmosphere here: some of us "get: different pieces, but among us all, gathered here, almost anything you could share would resonate with one or more of us.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

feralfae