Does It Get Better...it Has Been Almost Two Years And It Still Hurts.

[Lina]

Next month on the 8th it will have been two years since Arthur died and I have to admit it still hurts horribly. I don't feel crazy anymore and I guess it is a bit less sharp...but it still hurts every day. I still cry at every anniversary and holiday. I still need to sleep with his shirt at night and I still ache for just one more hug.

Will this ever stop hurting?

I am 38 years old and I miss being in a relationship. Sometimes I think about dating again in the future, but I still feel like Arthur's wife and the thought of loving another man feels so alien. Next week he will have been dead longer than we were together. The total sum of our relationship together was one year, eleven months and four days....and then he died. In two days he will have been gone for one year and eleven months. I hate that I am reaching this milestone.

This much pain that just does not seem to go away makes it hard to hold onto the hope that it will get better and that eventually it won't hurt so bad....so out of desperation I ask everyone who is further down this path...does it truly get better? Will it ever stop hurting so bad it takes my breath away?

[enna]

“…so out of desperation I ask everyone who is further down this path...does it truly get better? Will it ever stop hurting so bad it takes my breath away?”

Hello, Lina,

I have been wondering how you were doing. Yes, I remember that your Arthur passed in April and my Jim died in May the same year. I too have been having a hard time these last weeks. We are still very early in our grief. I am seeing more clearly those months of Jim’s illness but I am also remembering more of the fun times we had together and I can actually laugh at some of those memories.

These are my thoughts about what you said above about it getting any better. I think that we will always have that hole in our hearts but we will learn how to carry our husbands in our broken hearts as we move through our ‘new’ lives. We are different. We are not the same as we were before. I have learned that grief does that to us.

You have a little girl who needs and loves you and as you move through this time of sadness I think you will remember those good times you had with your Arthur and share those memories and there will be laughter. She will know what a great father she had because you will find ways to keep him alive in your hearts through those wonderful remembrances you had. It will always “hurt” (but not as much) because you loved him so deeply.

I have found that the more I read about grief the better I am learning how to cope. For me it is important that I take time out of the day to exercise (no matter how little) and spend quiet time reflecting. Eating healthy does help and I still never miss anything chocolate. I am having more lunches with friends. I have invited people over for dinner and enjoyed the distraction. It is spring here in AZ (well, it is always spring here in the valley) so I am working on yard gardening more. I like fresh herbs so I’m hoping to keep a variety alive to cook with before the summer months! I will do more volunteering in the next months because I think it is important to do for others. I am retired so I have the time. A trip to visit my family is planned for the end of April. It has been way too long due to some health issues I have.

Also, I have to say that this forum has been much of the reason why I am coping better. We have wonderful, caring people here who understand and are willing to just be present with us.

My hope for you is that you will always be happy and if a new love relationship comes to you that you will be able to love as deeply because of the love you and Arthur had together. Do you still have your kittens?

Anne

[mfh]

Hi Lina,

I am so sorry you are in such pain. I have to say that I was into my third year before the pain really began to subside. It is different for everyone but year two was tough and is very often tough for many, maybe most. I agree with Anne, that reading about grief really helps as you learn more about what you are dealing with and you feel less alone with it as you see others dealing with it also. I urge you to visit Marty's blog and other parts of her website and read. Coming to the forums was also the other major assist I got i.e. connecting with others here who were also in pain and understood the loss of a spouse. I hope you will visit more often so we can support you as you travel this path. It will be 4 years for me in a couple of weeks and the waves of grief do not roll in nearly as often and seldom are they a tsunami. Holidays remain difficult. Anniversaries are also (birthdays, wedding, death) but over time we learn that the pain that does come (even though less often) is something we can survive and learn from.

I can't recall whether you were ever a part of a face to face grief support group but if not, that is also a great help especially if it is a spousal loss group such as many Hospice's provide free of charge. Do let me know.

Peace will come. I have learned patience is my greatest tool. I think you might like Megan Devine's columns. She is 38 years old , lost her husband a little while back as he drown. Her columns might be helpful. She is also a therapist. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/

Here is another helpful piece: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ashley-davis-bush/death-and-dying_b_4893251.html

Mary

[kayc]

Lina, I remember you coming here. Anne already said what I would say to you, and it's true. It has gotten better in the sense that I have learned to carry George in my heart and when I think of him now, most of the time it gives me happiness rather than pain, although you're right, the holidays and special days acutely notice his absence. Life is not the same for me and never will be. I've long since passed more time without him than I had with him. I knew him 6 1/2 years and we were married 3 years 8 months, but in three months it will be nine years since he's been gone. I'm glad I didn't make that correlation, as you are, at that time.

[Queeniemary]

Lena, the hurting never goes away, but it does get easier as time goes by. Mike has been gone 4 years this past January, and I am into my fifth year without him, and there are still days that occasionally I will get that sharp feeling in my chest and it pretty much takes my breath away. However, those times are rather far between now, and although he is always in my mind and in my heart, the constant pain of his loss has faded to some extent. As the others before me have said, being a part of this site has been very healing and helpful to me, not sure I would be in as good a place as I am without the discussions on this forum and the close friendships I have made on this journey.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[KATPILOT]

Lina, I had to ad something since I am now past the third demark. I think back to two years and I get all mixed up. Time seems to get all bunched together for me. There are times when it seems like yesterday and times when it seems so long ago.

Like now for example. I look at my hands and I see wrinkles that never were there before so I know I'm getting older. That reinforces the fact that time has passed. Then I realize how much I love her and in fact my love seems stronger. I just wanted to say that time has no meaning in grief. You just meet every day and like Kay who is so much farther than I, you still have moments of sorrow. You still grieve but you also adapt.

I also wanted to say something about your youthful age. You miss being in a relationship and well you should. I have been around so many souls who have lost a love so dear and some have found relationships again and more power to them.

One friend who is grieving now with the loss of her second love, has such a different perspective than some of us have. She still grieves her first husband and now another. Like all of life, you can never know love unless you are willing to risk the loss. I think of my dad who married again after my mom died at 59. When he died, he had been married to my step mom for the same amount of time as my mother, (twenty eight years). I know he still loved my mom and he never forgot her. When he died, he left in his will that I should have his ashes to do with as I choose. I knew exactly why I of his three children was singled out to have his remains. It was because I had spread my moms ashes in my plane over a certain place and he wanted me to do that for him as well. My step mom knew exactly how he felt and understands without resentment. The point is, we have the capacity to love in many ways. You do what is right for you. You will never lose the love you have with Arthur. Love transcends time. For some like myself, are older and can live without a relationship again. For younger people like my son who's fiancé died suddenly of heart failure, he found love again and children in his life. We move through life as it directs us. If it is meant to happen, it shall.

Meanwhile, let your heart have time to endure this journey. While your time with Arthur may have seemed short, remember this truth. It's not how long you loved, but how well you did it.

Stephen

[MartyT]

I think your response to Lina is beautiful, Stephen, and I just wanted to thank you for that. ♥

[mfh]

Stephen, I so agree with Marty....lovely, sensitive and helpful. Thank you.

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you Stephen. Heartfelt and beautiful. Jan

[enna]

I also want to tell you that I really liked your response to Lina, Stephen. There are so many young people who have lost loved ones and it is so true that time does not determine how much time one has had for that love. Lina asks, "Does it truly get better?"

I don't believe that time heals our broken hearts. I agree with this quote from Rose Kennedy who we know has lost several loved ones during her lifetime.

So, Lina, it does get better and you will go on and be a more beautiful person than you already are today. We only have to believe. Anne

[MartyT]

Lina, my dear, if you haven't found them already, I want to point you to some wonderful resources aimed specifically at young widows:

Soaring Spirits International

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation on Facebook

TheWiddahood.com

Widow Chick on Facebook

Stop Thief: Don't Steal My Grief

Grief Speaks Out on Facebook

Widows Wear Stilettos