KCinko Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 I recently lost my Husband, my Soul mate on Jan 15,2014. I am attending group support meetings weekly, also seeing a Psychologist weekly, as well as following up with my primary care doctor monthly. I mainly feel like I don't know what I'm doing most of the time but the people around me are telling me that I am doing things in a positive way. Last week I returned back to work for only 2 days a week & only worked 4 hours each day. I have been out of work since Dec 18,2013 when my husband started declining rapidly & needed to be placed in a nursing home. Prior to that I provided ALL of his care at home by myself with no help from anyone. I would give anything to be able to care for him today if only I could have him back. I'm returning back to work slowly as I work in the medical field & I feel that I need to have good, clear judgment & be able to concentrate in order to perform my job effectively. The only support I have is from my side of the family (my husband & I were married before), my work place & support group. My husband has 3 boys, none of which seem to want to bother with me, but I'm sure they will call when they want some of their fathers belongings & to spread his ashes. I'm sorry I'm probably going from one thing to another, as my mind is all over the place, but it sometimes helps for me to write things down. So that's what I am doing today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am so very sorry to know of your huge loss. I understand...I lost my soul mate 4 years ago. These early months tend to be months of fog and ironically they are ones where there are decisions to make and things to deal with. Just try to focus on taking care of yourself, allowing your pain and tears for therein lies your healing over time...a long time. I am so glad you are here with us. We are a loving, caring, understanding group and all of us have had a significant loss. We share and support. When you are able I urge you to read and educate yourself about the grief process. You can find a treasure chest of information on Marty's blog. Ww.griefhealingblog.com. Be gentle with yourself and I am so glad you are in a support group and in therapy and wise to know your return to work must be slow. Please do come back. Others here will log on and post to you also. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am sorry you lost your husband, two months ago is very fresh still. I'm glad you are doing positive things for yourself, getting help going through this, and that you have your family for support. My husband's family never contacted me either except to try to get something monetary. When they found out I didn't have anything they left me alone. "all over the place" is normal, but you're so right, it does help to write things down, also to talk about it. (I read that is how women process things.) I do hope you'll continue to come here...this place saved my life and sanity! I lost my husband and soul mate nearly nine years ago. I didn't see how I'd survive without him, but somehow I'm still here. I, too, was in a fog for a long time. I hope you're eating and drinking plenty of water, getting daily exercise, it's important to take care of ourselves, even when we don't feel like it, to help give ourselves optimal chance at coping! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KCinko Posted March 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 Thank you for the kind words & advice. I do read as much as I can about the grief process so I can educate myself as best I can. I know I've read a lot of Marty's writings, but no matter how much I read there are times when I feel like I just read something new when in fact I had read it before. I guess that's part of the process of being able to retain what you read, that in time I will be able to retain everything like I used to. I also find myself asking people to repeat things they may have told me a day or so ago because I just can't get things to stick in my brain for very long. So for now I will just go one day at a time. Thank You again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 KCinko - I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. The heart takes as long as it takes to process, to accept. I read all the grief books - but I still had to go through it in my own way. The one day at a time thing is the only way I could deal. No, I take that back, sometimes it was the one minute at a time thing. It's just so very personal for each of us. And, yes, so painful. Take care - Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 26, 2014 Report Share Posted March 26, 2014 I felt like my brain was smashed when George died, the jolt was so hard! It was an unexpected and abrupt death, I did not get to say goodbye, no preparation for it. It left me in shock, feeling jolted. My focus was very difficult, I could not read or retain things, work was very difficult, I knew I was not performing as perfectly as before. I caught myself making mistakes, which was not like me. Little by little, it came back, but it took time. I used to be an avid reader of books, but have only recently began reading again (beyond necessary instructions or short things). It has been nearly nine years for me since his death. Be very kind to yourself, very understanding and patient, as you would extend to someone else going through trauma, because that's what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KCinko Posted April 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 I haven't been on here in a few days as I have been totally consumed with feeling that I need to protect myself & my husbands personal belongings & ashes from his 3 boys who have told me on several occasions that there are specific items & other personal belongings they want & to spread my husbands ashes as he had wished. I have clearly responded that I am not ready to go through anything yet, let alone give up anything yet, but they insist that if they come to help me go through his things it will be easier on me & that it's not healthy for me to have my husbands things sitting around, that it's making me feel worse. I have explained that all these things actually comfort me at this time & that when I'm ready to put things away, give things away or pack things up I'll know it. There was also a letter my husband wrote many years ago addressing his 3 boys but he also tells them how much he loves me & how I changed his life & to please take care of me. They took this letter with them (without asking) & said they would make copies for everyone. I have asked them 3 times for a copy. They now just ignore me altogether. Well I had a very serious issue happen earlier in the week where someone got into my husbands bank account (as I did not have his name removed yet) & made 4 transactions with his debit card number but I have the card in my possession, they tried to do 3 more transactions but the bank declined those - thank God. I do not like to blame any specific person but when I spoke with the bank manager & informed him that my husband had passed away in Jan, his first question to me was "can I ask you, Is there anyone in the family that would have had access to your husbands debit card numbers". My answer was "Yes", his 1 son has made several transactions over the internet for my husband as we did not have a computer until just recently, this same child was also given my husbands debit card with the PIN number to go to the store to pick up items for dinner when his family would visit. I tried to go to work on Saturday but I had to leave because I'm so worried that his boys are going to come to my house & just take whatever they choose & believe me they will. So I've been afraid to leave my house. So this is where my mind has been all week & I'm trying to work on figuring out how I can leave my house & feel safe to be at work for 8 hours. Unfortunately these kids know my schedule & what shift I work - so I will keep trying to figure something out. My husband did not have a will & he did not write anything specific to be given to anyone, these are all personal belongings, but his children feel they are entitled to his things because they say that's what Dad would want. I'm just very confused & trying to protect myself until I'm ready to go through his things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted April 1, 2014 Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is difficult enough to endure such a loss without having to be on guard for thieves at such a time and I find it shameful that his sons are treating you this way. Is it possible for you to change your locks so you can have a modem of peace while you are away from the house? You will take care of his things when you feel ready. There is no time limit for that. My husband has been gone almost 11 months & I am just now slowly emptying his closet. Don't let anyone rush you. I am glad you found our little group. So many nice people here to help each other on this difficult journey. Luv, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted April 1, 2014 Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 KCinko I am so very sorry for your loss, and that the stepsons are treating you in this manner. You are in enough pain, without having to deal with them. My advice, is go see a lawyer. If there is no will specifically giving things to his sons, then I think everything belongs to you. I am not sure how the law works, but if you have this kind of fear...that they will enter the house without permission and take things, then you need to talk to someone in the legal field. Also, as Kay said, if you can afford to do it, change the locks. Open a new checking account, in your name only, and close out any account that they might have had access to. Awful that you have to do this, but you must protect yourself. My husband died on January 13, 2010, I have just entered the fifth year without him. This is a great group to come to, I have been coming here since April, 2010. We are all on this journey, some of us have been on the journey for a while, and others, like you, are new to the journey. Many very good people here, with very good words to help us all. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted April 1, 2014 Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 I am so sorry to learn of your husband's death and the problems you have had with his family. In regards to his family, I do recommend you get to an attorney quickly; open a new account at the bank and transfers all assets to it; change the locks on your home and take whatever means you must legally take to protect your and your husband's possessions. I agree that if there is no will, I believe everything belongs to you but I would clearly see an attorney and get the locks changed today so you can leave the house. At such a difficult time to have to deal with the insensitivity of his family is just beyond words. Having his things around you is comforting and it is no one's business how long you keep them there. It was 4 years last Thursday and many of Bill's clothes are still in his closet. His tools are in his workshop and other things of his are in our home. I will deal with those things as I see fit. In the meantime it is comforting to me to have things here. I did give many of his clothes to Good Will after two years or so. It has only been 2 1/2 months since your beloved husband died, you are still raw and in a fog. The journey through grief is a tough one and it is time to take care of yourself, to feel your own loss and pain, and to just be. To have to deal with this selfishness is just very sad. Do protect yourself. And then you can be home without fears and be gone without fears...and grieve in your own time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 1, 2014 Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 Kcinko, I am sorry you are going through all this in addition to losing your husband! I'm glad you had the strength to stand up to his boys. You are his wife and as such, that should take precedence and they should wait on your wishes and timing. I do hope the bank gets to the bottom of it and whoever stole from the account is held accountable...will they protect you from the loss or is that void because of giving out the debit card number and pin? I do hope they change both! For now, I would not give out anything until you are ready. Just like that letter and then they didn't even get it back to you, shame on them! They undoubtedly have no idea what it feels like to be where you are. Losing a father is not the same as losing a husband, and even then, it's different for everyone, depending on the relationship, closeness, etc. I felt the same way when people started grabbing for my George's things, and I stood up for myself to them. Unfortunately, I had some theft, one of which was a ring I gave my husband as a wedding present. I was going to give it to his son, but discovered it missing. I figured out who took it, it was someone he stayed with during the work week, they kept everything he had at their place and even made off with his tools (the company he worked for released them to him!), they got away with thousands of dollars with their thefts. I'm glad you came here because this is a safe place and we understand and have been there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KCinko Posted April 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 Thank you all so very, very much, I appreciate your help with all these issues. I'm currently on my way to see my Therapist, then after that I have a meeting with the Bank Manager to close out the account we shared & transfer everything into a new account. Thank you all again, you truly are helpful!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted April 1, 2014 Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted April 1, 2014 Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 I just happened upon this post, which you may find helpful: Important Contacts After Your Partner's Death See also Rehl Money: Financial Guidance for Widows and Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas for Rebuilding Your Life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted April 1, 2014 Report Share Posted April 1, 2014 Dear KCinko I am just now reading your story and I am so very sorry for your loss. Your opening post details the love you have for your husband, your soul mate. It takes dedication and great love to be a caregiver and it sounds like you did just that until you knew he needed more help than you could give him ~ another form of great love. I know the cry of just wanting him back. Many of us here have gone through similar experiences. We do understand. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to slowly get back into your work. This journey we are on is never-ending yet becomes manageable if we are willing to do the work that it will take. You have found another support group here who will walk with you during your journey. Right now, you are still in that ‘fog’ we talk so much about. Respect your own needs right now and allow yourself to grieve. Remember, you are not sick, you are grieving… I am sorry to hear of the new events surrounding your loss. I do not know the law in whatever state you are from but I do know that no one has the right to help themselves to anything in your home or in your accts. As Mary said, get a lawyer and do what you need to do to protect yourself. If there are things that you want to give to anyone it needs to be done in your time. Anne I just saw that Marty gave you some links to go to that will be of help to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 I'm glad you're closing that account, I hope the bank gives you back what was taken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KCinko Posted April 12, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2014 I just wanted to say "Hello" & thank everyone for their thoughts, ideas & comments, I believe every little bit helps. I have started back to work Full-Time this week. I still attend my weekly Group Support meetings, & I see my Therapist weekly as well. I was at my Medical Doctor today for a follow-up on the new medication he has started me on (which has helped me more than I thought it would & that is why I was so resistant to taking it). But from what I've been told this week from everyone, my co-workers, my therapist & my Doctor, they all feel that I'm doing well, doing better. My boss has re-arranged her schedule at work so that she can be there with me for this first week (which was a wonderful thing for her to do). They have done a great job making the transition back to work as easy as can be. I can't thank them enough. They have been my support system through all this as they know that me & my husband do not have any family close by. So all in all I suppose I had a decent week, but I was so busy I didn't have time to think. I haven't decided just yet if that's a good thing or not. Well as I said I wanted to say "Hello" & "Thank You". I hope to be back on again soon, but right now it's time for some sleep. "Goodnight To All" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 12, 2014 Report Share Posted April 12, 2014 Thinking of you and all of the newer ones here. I think work can be a good thing, it gives some sense of purpose, and esp. when it's a positive environment. I'm glad they're all supportive and you have an understanding boss. Do keep checking in, I know you're busy right now, but as you can. I'm glad the medication is helping too. Every bit does help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KCinko Posted April 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2014 Well I had a major melt down today, I just cried all day. I'm not sure if it was the upcoming Easter Holiday plus the fact that when I would come home from work every night my husband would be there waiting for me & have supper waiting & sit & eat with me. I could feel things starting to bother me since Monday & today it just exploded. Its like I couldn't talk about anything without crying. I know people have been telling me I'm doing OK but on the inside I'm just so sad, I want to sometimes just scream "I'm not OK, this is not OK". I know they say that this is part of the ups & downs that we will go through, but I sometimes feel like I just cant take it anymore, the pain is too much. I am glad that I did have the day off work because I'm not sure how that would have went. I also had an appointment with my Therapist today which I was glad that she got to see me when I was having a melt down, because I am truly hurting terribly bad inside. Well I thank you all for listening to me on here. I would wish you all a Happy Easter but I don't mean to be so negative but I don't feel anything happy about it at all, I'm actually dreading the day, I don't even want to see it come. I'm sorry! Goodnight for now. Hope to talk to you all soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted April 17, 2014 Report Share Posted April 17, 2014 I hate it when people think we are ok just because we are trying so hard to look ok outwardly when we are screaming with grief and loss inside. Only those who have lost really really close people like partners or children can get anywhere near knowing how we feel. But here we do know how you feel we just have to do one day after another and some are just a bit easier than others. Hug from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted April 17, 2014 Report Share Posted April 17, 2014 Everyone here understands the impact of holidays and different holidays have greater impact than others for different people. As painful as a meltdown can be and usually is, I believe they act sort of like a volcano or even vomiting as we release the pain and the pressure of the pain. I always felt better following a meltdown or as I call them tsunamis of grief. They are horrific to go through however. Those folks who "think you are OK" have probably no experience with real loss or if they did lose someone close, they probably ran from it hard and fast. Frightened of your pain or their own or both, they have to see you as OK but I would bet deep down they know better. I won't wish you a happy Easter for I know it is not but I will wish you a peaceful moment or two on each day...a moment just to know you are up to the challenges of grief and to know that somewhere down the road though the pain will always be with you, it won't be so outrageous and gut wrenching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 19, 2014 Report Share Posted April 19, 2014 Kcinko, that was the holiday I totally couldn't do after George died. I'd made it through all the others, for ten months, but that was just the last straw! I skipped church, didn't have my kids up for dinner until the following week, and told them I wasn't doing Easter. They were so understanding, my son told me we could have Christmas instead or nothing at all, whatever I wanted. It's okay to have meltdowns, sometimes I think we NEED to explode so we don't implode! I'm glad you have your therapist to talk to and it's good you didn't have to go to work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KCinko Posted May 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2014 It's been a while since I've been on here & I just wanted to check in. Things have been extremely busy. I'm still going to my Therapist weekly & she says that I am progressing but I'm just not feeling that yet. My Daughter is moving to Pa from Fl in a little over 3 weeks & the small apartment that I have will NOT accommodate everyone & she is having trouble finding a place that she can afford so we've decided to move in together, so I have been really busy working on finding us a house. This has been very exhausting because I'm working Full-Time, going to my appointments, running routine errands, trying to keep the house cleaned up & start getting ready to pack myself. I still have meltdowns, probably 2-3 times a week, I don't know, I'm not keeping track. I'm happy that I'll finally have family close to me but I'm still so sad that I feel bad for not getting excited over it. Well I'm definitely looking forward to having my weekend off & not have to do anything & just relax all day. I haven't one of those in a long time. Thank You All for listening & for all of your opinions, it really helps!! Goodnight, I'll talk to you all soon!! I really do appreciate all of your time!! Thank You, KCinko Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 15, 2014 Report Share Posted May 15, 2014 I hope you find a place that will be suitable for both of you, soon. Once you get moved in, I'm sure it'll settle back down. Sometimes we put grief on hold temporarily because we have to focus on health issues, a move, etc. I'm glad you'll have your daughter with you. Loneliness is one of the hardest things to battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boogieman Posted May 16, 2014 Report Share Posted May 16, 2014 Sorry for your loss, KCinko. I lost My Paula just 13 months ago today. The pain is still unbearable but here I am. Each of us processes our loss at our own pace and time. You deal with it as you feel the need, especially the financial issues. As surviving spouses we have to look out for ourselves. Be it ever so slowly we do " get better" with time. Learning to adjust is very difficult but doable. In the mean time you "melt down" as often as you need, scream, cry, fall apart, or whatever you need to do. We all understand so very completely. Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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