Blaming Myself For My Stray Being Put Down

[JSSNY]

I have been feeding strays for a long time and have taken some in. I habe two cats in my house. For the last several months, I have been feeding one stray who started living in my yard. I decided to try to find him a home since I already had two cats and if I couldn't, I would take him as well. I bought him an insulated kitty house, a pet bed and put out food for him in the yard every night. Every night after work for the last few weeks, I would go straight to the yard and pet and play with him. he was very sweet and I got very attached to him. My friend said he would try to take him in and if he couldn't I would take him. My friend has one other cat. When I was driving the cat over to my friends house last night, he was crying and scared and I kept reassuring him "Don't be afraid buddy, I'm taking you to your wonderful, loving, warm new forever home". This morning, my friend called me hysterically crying saying he just had the cat put to sleep. The vet told him the cat had feline HIV (FIV) and since he already had a cat and so did I and nobody else was likely to take him in and they couldn't put him back on the street, it was best to put him down. I was beside myself. I have been crying all day. I thought cats with FIV could live for many years, long, healthy lives until the end stage. I would have found him a home, somehow, that did not already have cats or that had cats already infected, I would never have agreed to put him to sleep unless he was actialy suffering or dying. I feel so guilty this cat is dead. I feel like instead of taking him to a warm loving home, I took him to his death. The people I work with must've thought I was nuts, because I cried at work and then left early. I have cried so much today, my eyes hurt. I feel like the cat died needlessly and could have lived a long happy life in a loving home which he never had in his life. At least he could have had a few years of love, affection and a family. I feel so responsible and i am so upset. It would have been hard if the cat had little time left, but I feel even worse knowing he could have probably found a home and gone on living for several more years. I feel like it's all my fault he's dead. I keep going outside wishing he'll be out there. I wish I had never brought him to my friend's house. I wish I had taken him myself. I wish I had been at the vet and asked questions as to how long he could have lived. I have never felt so guilty in my life. I really grew so attached to this cat and felt like he so desperately needed help and it took him so long to trust someone and what do I do? I get him euthanised without any reason for him to really be. I just feel like this is all my fault. I just got so used to him being there when I got home from work. Even last night after I dropped him off, when I got home I missed him. I wish I had just gone and gotten him back. I feel like he's needlessly dead and it's all my fault and now he'll never have the loving home he needed. I just am taking this so hard.

[enna]

I am so sorry for this pain you are feeling right now. What a beautiful thing you did caring for that little stray as he hung out in your yard. Your love for animals shines through your good heart.

Your intentions for continuing to care for the cat by finding him a good home tells of how very much you wanted only good for him.

As hard as it may seem to you now, the vet was probably giving your friend good advice. The vet would not suggest something like this unless it was for the good of the cat as well as all others around him.

I know you are hurting right now. I am so sorry.

Anne

[Kacy]

I read your post earlier this morning and honestly did not even know what to say. I'm not sure I do now - maybe others will have a better response. But I at least wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going thru this. You were trying to do the right thing and obviously had no way of knowing how things would work out.

I have to say that I think I would personally want to speak to this person's vet to understand exactly what effect having FIV could have. I'm not a cat person so might be wrong, but I also thought they could live with the condition, although would need to be an only cat. Again, I'm not sure about that and not sure if this is something that would affect their longevity or not. But I think it would be good to have those answers. As far as your friend, I think I would want to know exactly what the vet told him that caused him to make that decision. I hate to say it, but I feel like one or the other acted very irresponsibly. You DID NOT! You left open the possibility of keeping the cat yourself and did what you thought was right. IMO, your friend should have contacted you before making any decisions about the cat. I guess the only justification might have been if the vet scared him half to death with saying that his other cat would immediately be infected by this cat so he was afraid to even take the cat back home. I realize this won't change anything and possibly you are the type of person who accepts things better than I do, but I always try to at least sort things out - even after the fact.

i know it's hard but please try to remember that you went out of your way to care for this cat - probably something most people would not do. Whatever kindness this cat felt in his life was due to your care and concern. So many people feel that stray cats are fine on their own, but I personally feel that they have a terrible life - some ending up losing their life due to other animals or being hit by a car, or even starving to death. You made a difference in this cat's life, and I hope you will remember that. I do understand where you are coming from, but I hope that you will try to focus on the good you have done - not just for this cat but for the others you have cared for.

Again, so sorry for your loss...

Kacy

[kayc]

Our animal shelter adopts out cats with this and requires they be an only in the home. You will want to have your cats tested if they were in contact with him.

I don't understand either, but it's not your fault, there's no way you could have anticipated this. I am so sorry, I understand your tears. Please know that your stray cat did not know his life was ending, he knew only that you'd been there for him and loved him like he'd never known before.

I do not understand how your friend could have done this without at least calling and talking to you about it first, she knew what the cat meant to you, she could have given him back so you could have found a home for him. Unless he was exhibiting signs of distress and being at the end of his life from it, I don't see how/why they could have put him down. I, too, am very sorry for this action and the pain it's causing you. You should commend yourself for being all that you were to him in the time that you had him.

http://www.abcd-vets.org/guidelines/Pages/en-0803-Feline_Immunodeficiency_virus-FIV_infected_cat_management.aspx

[MartyT]

My friend, I too was dismayed to read your heartbreaking story. I waited until now to respond because I wanted to consult with a trusted veterinarian colleague to get her professional opinion about this case before I said anything to you. Having just heard back from her, I want to share with you her response. She said that you are absolutely correct that a cat with FIV can live a long life. While it is true that you cannot put a cat like that back on the streets, there were other options, including adoption to a family without other cats, adoption to a family with a cat that already has FIV, and keeping the cat with the other cat, knowing there was a risk of FIV. She said she’s never heard of recommending immediate euthanasia upon the diagnosis of FIV. She said that, even though it may not result in any form of disciplinary action, if you are so inclined, you could report this vet’s behavior to your state’s Board of Veterinary Medicine. At the very least, the vet may be advised on how better to handle a situation like this in the future, which could prevent another tragedy like yours.

Unfortunately, in this particular situation it was your friend who was acting as the owner of this cat. Even though he may have been upset by the advice he was given by the vet at the time, it was your friend who had the authority to act on that advice, and it was he who made the choice of whether or not to euthanize this kitty. Sadly enough, he made that decision without contacting you first to consider and discuss any other options.It seems as if mistakes were made by everyone involved in this situation, and my heart just hurts for all you.

The circumstances surrounding this kitty’s death suggest to me that you may be feeling very guilty and even angry with yourself and with your friend for whatever part you think you may have played in his death. But at a time like this it's important for you to remember that you did not deliberately set out to bring any harm to this little being. Like all the rest of us, you are human, and there was nothing intentional about this at all. Guilt and anger are powerful emotions that can be frightening, but keep in mind that feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. What really matters is what you do with what you're feeling. When you simply acknowledge feelings of guilt and anger to yourself or to a trusted other without actually doing anything about them, no harm is done, to you or to anyone else.

Anger is sheer, raw energy, but you can find healthy ways to discharge that energy and channel it – through physical exercise, writing and talking, for example.

Feelings aren't always rational or accurate, either. Feeling guilty about the circumstances surrounding this kitty’s death doesn't mean that you are, in fact, an uncaring, irresponsible person who intentionally set out to bring harm to this cat. As I'm sure you know, one of the most wonderful things about our animal companions (unlike humans!) is that they love us unconditionally, they are forgiving of all our human faults, and they never, ever hold a grudge against us. If anyone knew how much he was loved by you for the time that he was in your care, surely it was this homeless cat.

In the end, there is nothing anyone can say to lift from your shoulders the load of guilt that you may be carrying around with you now. The only one who truly can forgive you is yourself. Guilt is one of the most common reactions in loss – and in situations such as this, it is only human nature for you to feel guilt for what you may have done or failed to do. If after examining all the facts you decide that you should have done things differently, then the only thing you can do at this point is to learn from your mistake and promise yourself that if you are ever presented with the exact same set of circumstances again, you will do things differently next time. A sudden, unexpected death like this can teach some valuable lessons about how fragile and temporary life is, and that if we have something to say to someone we had better say it now, because we may never get the chance again to say it. Can you let this be one of this kitty’s legacies to you – one of the precious life lessons you can take from this tragic loss? You know, just by having the courage to post your tragic story here, in this public forum, you are educating many other animal lovers about FIV. Are there any other lessons here that you may need to learn? Take some time to think about about all of this. It is one of the most important tasks in mourning: to find meaning in this loss.

In any event, my dear, there is nothing you can do now to go back and change what has already been done. Instead, to cope with the guilt you might try to find some way to communicate with this kitty’s spirit and ask for his forgiveness. That may be by meditating, by writing him a letter and saying all you need to say to him, by finding a quiet place and lighting a candle and speaking to him in your mind – whatever way you choose is up to you. The point of all of this is to find some way to forgive yourself, to apologize and make amends to the one you believe you have harmed, to learn from your mistake and to move on. That's the only way you will heal from this loss.

Guilt and anger can eat you alive unless you find someone to talk to about your feelings, someone who will help you look at the situation more objectively. If you find that posting here is not enough, I encourage you to find someone you can talk to in person who understands the bond you felt with this cat, who understands the mourning process and will listen to you without judging you. I don't know if there are any pet loss services in your area, but since you have access to a computer, you might try calling one of the pet loss telephone helplines listed on the Pet Loss Helplines, Message Boards, Chats page of my Grief Healing Web site. If you feel a need for more than that, you can go to the State-by-State Guide to Support Groups, Counselors & Pet Cemeteries. Sometimes sharing our story enables us to unburden ourselves and to obtain the absolution we may need from others. None of us is perfect; we are all human, we've all made mistakes and we've all done things about which we feel guilty.

It’s important that you take the time needed to grieve this loss, including the processing of and coming to terms with all that anger and guilt you may be feeling over the circumstances of his death. (See my articles, Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This? and Loss and the Burden of Guilt.)

I hope this information helps, my dear. Please know that my heart goes out to you at this sad and difficult time.

[steph.ny]

I went through something almost idential. I can't believe your story. I hesitate to tell my story because it is very sad. But suffice to say I was feeding a stray and fell in love with him. I already had 2 cats and could not take this cat in. I called a woman who said she rescued cats. She also said she worked at a veterinarian office and if this cat needed any vet care, she would take care of all of it and it wouldn't cost me a penny. She came and we used a humane trap and trapped the cat. To make a long story short, the next day I called the vet's office where she worked to find out how the cat was. I was horrified when she said "We euthanized the cat". I was hysterical, in a panic and furiousu with her. She had never called me to discuss the matter. She said the cat had no teeth and bad kidneys. I was so angry and fearful it was unbelieveable. She had promised me "no matter what is wrong with this cat, I can get free veterinary care". It took me a very long time to overcome my grief and anger. I went to the vet hospital, asked to see the dead body and held the cat and kissed his bad eye. He had an eye that was messed up. And then I gave him back. I asked for a private cremation and this same woman promised me it would happen. Instead I got ashes back from some group cremation. I still have the ashes. And have thought to myself what I am keeping them for. He was a skinny cat who was clearly sick which is why I trusted this woman to take him since she mentioned the vet office she worked at. I could see he did not feel well. He was very sickly looking. And I felt sorry for him big time. I would rush home to feed one. One time I put out kibble instead of wet food and he didn't eat it. If he didn't have teeth which she wound up telling me he didn't, that would explain it. I felt bad after I heard that since I was going to start putting kittble out all the time. But I wouldn't have if he wasn't eating it. I understand where you are coming from. I was in a high state of panic upon hearing of his death. The woman claims I said to her "Do what ever you want with him. He is yours now". If I did say that, I meant it as do whatever you want with him in terms of getting him healthy. I would have taken him back if she had called me and told me about his teeth and kidneys. I had another place that knew I had a sick cat that was interested in helping. But if he was really sick maybe they would not have been able to work with him. I wish so much I had reported the veterinarian who euthanized him to the licensing board of the state. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your pain.

[kayc]

steph.ny

I am sorry for your experience as well, that is really tough, the betrayal you must have felt! He probably wouldn't have had a long life with bad kidneys, the teeth...he could have had wet food. Often ferral cats have bad eyes, and most of the time they don't take to humans well. I had one I was putting food out for a few years ago, he was truly wild but he had a tiny, tiny bit of trust for me. He knew I'd feed him. I called him Peek-a-boo because he was always peeking around the corner to see what was up before appearing. It's hard when they die, esp. the ones who haven't had love and care the way we feel all animals deserve.