Newly Widowed

[kayc]

I think it's great that you are learning to accept help, that's hard for me to do and I'm only now, after nine years, getting to that point...because I need to. I wouldn't think she'd expect a snack, she's there to help you, not the other way around. If it's any consolation, perhaps someday you can pay it forward to someone, but right now, it's your turn! (((hugs)))

[mfh]

Dear ML

Good for you receiving help. I would not be concerned about a snack...she is not coming to eat. Maybe offer a cup of tea or just water or cold beverage if needed. It is difficult to ask for help and to find it so take advantage of this gift.

Comfort food can be very healthy depending on how it is prepared. Right now I would just focus on getting food into you so you get energy.

[texylady]

The day went well. My bedroom is almost done, and we sorted through a lot of papers and got them filed where I can find them when needed. Friends are sending a yard crew to clean up my shrubs and leaves and such. Hopefully, once it is cleaned up I will be able to mow. I don't handle heat well. Right now mowing is not an issue as it has been raining all day.

The days just keep getting longer.

[mlg]

Dear ML,

I can soooo sympathize with your story. My Tom, too died of pancreatic cancer. As he said, "at least I got the quick kind". He lasted 4 mos. I still have almost all of his clothes and it has been almost 6 1/2 years. They aren't hurting anybody and I don't obsess over them. You were talking about his shirts with his name on it. Tom had worked at a local pharmacy after he retired so I took his shirts and had memory teddy bears made out of them for my girls and their children. It just made us feel like we had a piece of him. The girl even cut up the ties he wore and made little ties for them too.

There is no time frame or wrong way to grieve. You said you were taking it day by day; I had to back up to minute by minute because that is all I could handle. I don't cry all the time now but I still feel like someone shot a cannon in my gut and it is hollow. Not a day goes by that I don't talk to him.

One of the hardest parts of this journey for me is that you feel like you are always lying. People ask how you are but most of them really don't want to know. I have some good friends that are in the same boat and we can be honest with each other.

Feel free to pm me if you need to.

Mary Linda

[kayc]

Hi, Mary Linda! So long since I've seen you here, you must read and not post. How are you doing? (for real). Give us an update! You can PM me if you'd rather. Good to see you!

[texylady]

Heh, two ML's both pancreatic widows. Mary Linda, I did send you a PM, but I don't know how that works.

[praised74]

I am sorry for your loss. I am praying that you will be strengthened, comforted and that you will find peace that surpasses all understanding. It has been 10 months since my husband passed away from Lung Cancer. Please don't rush the grieving. I thought if I stayed busy, the grief would disappear. I ended up in the hospital the Friday after Thanksgiving and was diagnosed with a mini heart attack. While in the hospital I did a lot of thinking and came to the conclusion that I could not rush grief. It is a process that we all must go through. It has been traumatic but believe me it does get better. I have read four books on Grieving and I attend a grief support group. It has helped me. My main source has been praying, my devotionals and my bible. I needed all the help I could to get through this and remain sane.

[mfh]

Dear praised74

I am so sorry for your loss. And you are so right. The only way through grief is to allow yourself to walk into the pain. Each time we do that we release so e pain and grow stronger and come to know that though it hurts, we survive.

Good for you to learn all you have learned and to read and ray.

Mary

[kayc]

Praised,

I'm sorry you too lost your husband. You're so right, you can't rush grief or ignore it, it has to be gone straight through and dealt with, but you take your time with it. We've learned to embrace this journey as it's ours now...unbidden, but there.

[blkkat1234]

I noticed your post because u reminded me of my cousin who lost her husband to pancreatic cancer. I lost my husband Bob on 04/06/14, not quite 3 months ago. 19 years we were married and 10 of them he was sick. This is my first post, I don't even no where to begin, I 'm lost I know that. Remember your not alone, just take one day at a time!

[feralfae]

Dear blkkat234,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your husband Bob. I can remember how bad the pain was three months after my husband Doug left. I could not even feel my body yet, and I was numb, in a fog, and functioning purely on habit. I would forget to brush my hair. Doug left on 7 February 2012, and I am doing a lot better these days. I can see some light and have some life again, but life is still a roller-coaster or emotions fairly often.

I know that you are lost in the dark shadows of grief, and this is a painful time for you, because the initial shock and numbness are just beginning to wear off a tiny bit, perhaps, and the pain feels so much worse. Everyone is on their own journey and grief is never the same for any two people, but we all have the pain of grief, with its confusion everyday early on.

I am glad you found this loving place, although I am deeply sorry for your reason for being here. Our moderators, Marty and Mary, guide us along through this journey. I know they and others will be along soon to welcome you and to help you with some good advice and comforting presence.

First things first, I hope you are eating well, staying hydrated, perhaps seeing a grief counselor or a grief support group, and that you are getting enough rest. In other words, I hope you are taking good care of your precious self. This is a challenging time, and we need all the self care we can give.

I will check back with you in the next few days.

Peace to you, and Blessings,

feralfae

[MartyT]

bikkat234, you wrote, This is my first post, I don't even no where to begin,

You might begin by telling us a bit more about yourself and your beloved Bob. For instance, you said that for ten of the 19 years you were married, your husband was sick. That tells me that you've spent much of your married life as a caregiver, and I cannot imagine how challenging that must have been for you.

As fae said, you've found your way to a very warm and caring place, where you are among kindred spirits. We're all intimately familiar with loss and the grief that follows, and we will offer you lots of information, comfort and support as you find you way through your own journey. We won't let you walk this path alone ~ and the same message holds true for all those who've posted in this thread. ♥

[kayc]

blkkat234

Welcome to this site, this is a great place to be as you're not alone, you're among others who've been through the same things and understand. I am so sorry you lost your husband, it is a really hard thing whether you're a caregiver or shocked by sudden death. None of it is easy.

We'll get to know each other and you'll see this is like a family, looking out for each other, caring, here for each other.

I'd love to hear more of your story, about your husband. Remember, day or night, we're here.

[feralfae]

Over on Mary's blog, she has posted something she wrote, three weeks after Bill left, that is filled with insight and wisdom.

I think reading it might be helpful to those here who are in the early stages of grief.

Thank you Mary, for speaking so eloquently of the gaping hole.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

Thank you, fae. I barely remember writing that column but in going back over my columns am coming across some significant pieces. What I can add now, 4 years later, is that the hole remains but the pain, of course, has subsided but ever present. I have learned how to live with it. So you who are new to this journey, it takes patience and work but the pain does change. It is not time that changes it, it is the work we do (journaling, reading, sharing, receiving support from others, self awareness, allowing the tears, accepting where we are without pushing the river). I do not recall a lot of the first year...except I remember well the gut wrenching pain and probably will never forget that. I am glad I don't forget the early-on pain. It helps me to help others...and on occasion it hits hard again...but because we have survived it before, we know we will again....so I allow it to be and it passes.

[Wifflesnook]

I just read that piece, which I don't remember reading before. When I was first on this site two years ago Mary wrote some wonderful pieces in reply to me, some of which I've copied and kept. Mary, please add to those on your blog from your column if you can find them, because your words are so helpful to others. We partners in grief get solace from reading of the grief of others, odd as it sometimes seems to say so, it reflects our own feelings. Like poetry does.

[mfh]

Hmmm, I will have to do some searching, Jan. But when time allows, I will do that. I am glad that something I wrote helped you on this path.

[kayc]

Wow, Mary! I am surprised and impressed that you could write that well so soon after his death, while the rest of us were in such a fog it was hard to go to work and perform our duties, or remember to eat or sleep beyond an hour. You put so eloquently what we felt and experienced! It is indeed a tearing of us and leaves us forever changed.

[mfh]

Kay, I truly do not remember writing that column. I think I was in robot mode...as I had been writing weekly columns for two papers (so two a week) for years. I do like what the Hospice nurse said about the two pieces of paper. Those nurses and aids were crying right along with me those last few days.

[Norskie]

Greetings to all...I am sorry that you wonderful people are all grieving the loss of your other half. My name is Deb, and I am joining you for the first time. My husband, Park, died about a year after his diagnosis of stage 4 lymphoma. We would have celebrated our eighth month anniversary just a few days after he died in April of this year. I had retired early from teaching to care for him. I miss him soooo much, and I feel adrift without him. I recognize myself in many of your posts...the clean out/don't clean out his clothes, the inability to sleep, the physical manifestation of grief. I miss him so much that it literally hurts. I am trying to take care of myself, but I lack motivation at this point. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your advice. It is comforting to know I am not alone.... Deb

[mfh]

Dear Deb,

I am so very sorry to learn of the loss of your husband. Yes, you are with so many others who are grieving the loss of their spouses/partners and those who have experienced other significant losses. This is a good place to be as you grieve. It is a safe place where you can share your pain, vent, learn and more. I am so sorry your husband died so soon into your new life together. We do understand your feelings of being adrift, lacking motivation, and difficulty taking care of yourself.

Try to focus on the basics-nutritious foods-even if it is several snacks a day; water; sleep and exercise. It sounds like you have done some reading here on our site and I urge you to read articles here, on Marty's blog (www.griefhealingblog.com) and on other sites. The more you learn about what you are dealing with, the "easier" (I use that word loosely) the journey becomes. Return and get to know those who are walking a similar path.

Welcome to our circle. I know it is not one you ever wanted to join but you will find loving, caring, understanding people here.

[Queeniemary]

Deb, so sorry you had to join us on this journey. Very sorry for the loss of your husband Park. You have come to a good place to share your grief, and be a part of a community. You are not alone, we are all in different facets of this journey, some of us been around for a while, some new like you. I found this site in April, 2010, after my husband Mike died in January, 2010. I have been so helped by the wise and wonderful people here, who understand the grief....because they too are experiencing it. Thinking of you, and sending you a hug. {Hug}

QMary

[texylady]

Deb, what day did your love pass? My Rick left us on April 3, ironically the same date that I met him.

I am just starting to get a little more motivated when WHAM, I find out yesterday that my mom has stage II bladder cancer. When will this end? I have never had to deal with C before this year, now two in three months. I will be the one to take her to treatments and everything else she needs. I am trying not to think too far ahead and get overwhelmed. I hate the waiting to see the oncologist. I need a plan, but I will have to be patient until Tuesday.

[feralfae]

Dear Deb,

I am so sorry you are on this journey. I hope you are finding good ways to take care of yourself and that you are getting enough rest. Through the first many months, perhaps even longer, the fog and pain make it a real challenge to do simple tasks such as eating well, remembering to take time to sit and rest, and to reach out to others for emotional support. I hope you have loving and compassionate people around you at this time.

I am glad you found this loving circle and hope you will find solace and support here among a fellowship of caring people.

Blessings to you,

feralfae

[kayc]

Deb, I am so sorry to hear that yet another one has lost their husband and especially so soon after you were married. You have found a good place to be, here, for this place saved my life when I lost my husband. I hope you'll tell us something about Park when you feel ready. Motivation is one of the harder things to get back, that and a sense of purpose. Try to stay in the moment and maybe take a walk every day, eat something healthy, and express yourself to someone...here, a counselor, a close friend, somewhere. It helps not to bottle it up.