Multiple Losses

[KATPILOT]

Death sometimes follows us around and piles it on. If you have the sad situation to have lost more than one, two, or three, tell me how you feel. I have it and it sometimes overwhelms me.

Loosing my wife was bitter and the most horrid thing I have experienced to date. I'm not over it and doubt I ever will be. I lost my dad seven months later, then both of my wife's parents within a year after that. Now when birthdays and holidays come around I sink into a funk. There are times indeed when I wish I could just turn my memory off. As I am now taking care of my step mom who is 95, I see more grief ahead. Wears you out sometimes.

Stephen

[enna]

Yes, Stephen, we do get worn down. I so agree with you about the death of our spouses ~ the most devastating to me, also. Just before my Jim died I lost a sister to small cell carcinoma in her lungs. She was DX and in less then three weeks was gone. I am still not through grieving for her and don't think I'll ever be! She was two years older than I and we were the closest of five siblings. My younger (by 4 years) and only brother died the year before my sister died of complications from a brain injury from serving in Viet Nam. I lost my younger sister to cancer when she was in her thirties. Both parents are now gone. It is hard sometimes to grasp when one sees their entire family gone.

I think we have other losses besides people that take a toll on us ~ our furry animals and our health can send us into a very deep hole. Acceptance keeps us from staying in those dark places.

I agree with you ~ holidays and birthdays are tough. Thank goodness for memories.

Anne

[MartyT]

My dear Stephen, I see that you've received just one response to your post, and I just wanted to add my two cents' worth, because I think you've raised an important question: how does it feel when we experience multiple losses, and how do we deal with that?

You may find this post (along with the articles listed at its base) to be helpful: Coping with Cumulative Losses

For me, the easiest and quickest way to share my own personal experience with multiple loss is to invite you to read the Introduction that appears on the Articles, Columns, Books page of my Grief Healing website, here: A Message from Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor

I can also tell you I'm realizing that, the older I grow, the more frequently I encounter significant loss in my own family and circle of friends, and they do seem to happen one right after another with ever increasing frequency. Of course, that is to be expected as we get closer to the end of our own natural lifespan. Still, unless and until it happens to us, I don't think we realize how overwhelming it can be, being bombarded with one tragedy after another.

One of the reasons I decided some time ago as a psychotherapist to specialize in grief counseling is my coming to realize that loss is an unavoidable part of life, and I wanted to understand it more and learn how people manage to survive it. Clearly nothing lasts forever. Loss is universal, and if we're going to get through this life effectively, we need to find ways to deal with it, so that life continues to be worth living. I have learned more about dealing with loss from working with the bereaved than I've ever found in any textbook. My most valuable lessons have come from walking with mourners, as they continue to be my greatest teachers. They (you, and all our members here) continually teach me that we can survive even the most devastating of losses, as long as we have each other to learn from and to lean on. For that, I am grateful to each and every one of you. ♥

[mfh]

Dear Stephen, I do agree with you that loss and death wears us out. I have a long list of loved ones I have lost in the last several years...the worst loss, of course, was Bill but I also lost my mom (2006), my 5 closest "girl" friends (1989-2003), our pet Golden (the first one 2000) and many others I loved dearly. It goes on and on and at my age I expect it will continue. And yes, I find that with each loss, the very thin protective membrane we create gets torn asunder making it feel as if we have lost all those people all over again. I can't say I will ever get used to this but I know now that this is what it will be...

If you are taking care of your stepmother, taking care of you right now is crucial...most of us here know how exhausting caregiving is especially as we are grieving another loss.

Peace to your heart, Stephen

Mary

[KATPILOT]

I haven't had much time since I first posted this to respond but I thank all of you ladies for the kind words. I think that mothers day was when I finally felt the weight of it all. The links you provided Marty were a good read and I found great comfort in them. I can truly understand how you all feel with the multiple losses and what you all have endured. I get the animal thing too Anne. Almost five years ago it began with us loosing Mindy....... Kathy's dog, her only child if you understand what I mean.She was only two when I joined the pack and I truly became quite close to her. Kathy could never get over the loss and Mindy's ashes were in our home. When Kathy was close to the end, she asked me to combine her with Mindy and I said I would but we would all be mixed together one day. I miss both of my girls. Coming back to the point, I miss them all, and my in laws especially. Watching the sorrow wear them down loosing their little girl was just so hard to handle while my own loss was so great. They were always so kind to me. But after all is done, "it is what it is", Kathy's words.

By the way Mary, my step mom is in a very nice assisted care home next to the senior center in Scottsdale so I am but eight minutes away. That does make things a bit easier. I promised my dad I would take care of her and so I shall. Kathy used to say she worried what would happen to her when I died as she had no children. I guess that's a moot point now but I look at Wilma and I see what Kathy would have been like, (alone, no children to look after her). There was no way I was going to let that happen. So here I am and not complaining but recognizing the exhaustion so I will indeed take care of myself.

Stephen

[mfh]

Stephen, you are a loyal person and I honor what you are doing for your stepmother and for your dad. So glad you are taking care of you also.

[kayc]

Stephen,

Losing George was by far the hardest loss I've ever dealt with. Further losses on down the road only added to it and it can overwhelm you. Since George's death, I lost my cat Tigger (he chose to leave because of George being gone), Chappy (cat I got after George died), King George (my 19 year old cat), dog Lucky and husband John (he disappeared on me the same week Lucky died), and fiance Jim. In addition, I suffered three layoffs since George died. Any of these adjustments is big in and of themselves, add them up and it just further compounds the already devastating grief. I've learned to just keep going, do what you know to do, and don't be afraid to let yourself cry it out. When it's a holiday, planning helps but even then sometimes it's beyond our control...I've spent birthdays alone, Christmas Eve alone, Easter alone, Thanksgiving alone, and always George's death day (Father's Day) alone. It's hard because holidays are a time when friends are with their families and you don't want to intrude. If invited, go anyway. Sometimes miles separates us from loved ones and bad weather/road conditions can make it hard to get together. On those days, I try not to feel sorry for myself (can be challenging at times) and make the best of it, knowing it is not like years past and is not the same as before these losses...particularly the loss of your spouse. It's been years since I lost my father and my MIL & FIL, I've lost a niece and nephew, countless pets, and now that my mother is in a Dementia care center, it feels like I've lost her already in some ways...I can no longer talk to her on the phone, a loss I never realized I'd miss!

I am glad you are there for your stepmother. I took care of my MIL for three years when she was dying of cancer, and I can tell you that it was a very special time, even though exhausting and sorrowful. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

[KATPILOT]

I woke this morning at 12:30. Didn't expect that one. It isn't like she hasn't sent me messages before. Four years ago today at that very time give or take a few minutes Kathy left while I was lying next to her sleeping on the hospice bed where she spent the last five days of her life. I remember the nurse waking me saying she was gone. And that was it. I had to leave. I remember being so lost and alone in the middle of the night. I was scared, unsure of what would happen to me now. I survived for four years though didn't I?

I thought I had come a long way. Like oh yeah, sure! I know why this is happening though, or at least I have a suspicion. I think it has something to do with having lost my dad, Kathy's parents, and now just three weeks from burying my step mom closing a chapter of every person older than I who I was close to.

Now I can go back where I truly want to be, thinking of and missing the one I love the most. The one I love more than life itself. It just doesn't end I'm thinking. You just don't fall out of love when it's this deep do you? So it's just has to be a shitty day. I think if I didn't vent, I would lose what little I have left of my mind. I know many of you know exactly what I mean. Perhaps we can all reflect. I know many of us can relate. This demark is the worst and I sure didn't see this coming. I'm angry this time. I never had anger before but I'm so pissed. And you know? I have the right to be. I wish I wasn't so busy at work with people out sick. I'd be hell and gone from here now.

Sorry for the rant but it happens sometimes. I'd better get back to work before I fire myself fo slacking.

[feralfae]

Dear Stephen,
I think I'd be surprised if you weren't having visits and feeling the loss of loved ones as much as you are. As one of my friends said, we move up the ladder when others step off into Heaven.

Losing the last of the older generation is a rite of passage and a real shift in who we are in the family structure, as well as in the community social structure. Our sense of ourselves and our identity within our support groups changes, I think. Losing the last of my grandparents felt about the same. I still have relatives from the next generation up, but as each one leaves, I feel that loss, and the vestiges of the losses before as well. The new losses seem to reinforce the older losses, and can bring up all the old feelings of being alone, feeling simply at loss, and the frustration at being left that I felt most keenly when Doug left and I was totally off balance.

If our culture valued our elders more, being an elder might be easier on us. As it is, our elders sometimes seem to be pushed aside by government, medical care, advertisers, and society as a whole. Getting to be an elder holds less charm and comfort in our society than in some other cultures. As I get older, I feel the shift in how I am perceived by younger people particularly.

Losing those close to us is never easy. You have had to endure several losses in fairly quick succession. I am trying to find a balance between accepting and living with so many losses, and finding engaging and inspiring bits of my life to bring some joy and pleasure.

No, you don't fall out of love just because they have become spirit and are no longer in body. I am glad for that, because I don't think I would want to go on without the most wonderful feeling I'v had in my life—loving someone who loved me just as much, and feeling as cherished as I was cherishing Doug. I think it is remarkable that we were blessed with such beautiful loves. On the days when I can open my heart and let it flow, this remarkable love sustains and encourages, comforts and reassures me about life's goodness.

I hope your day balances out, and that you do not need to fire yourself. And I'd better get busy before I need to dock my pay for being late.

*<twinkles>*
fae

[MartyT]

Stephen, my dear, I loved Fae's response to your post, and I hope you will take her wise words to heart. Your post also made me think of the poignant message that Bill's Mary posted yesterday on her blog, and I hope you will read that, too: Learning Grief ♥

[kayc]

Stephen,

I just wanted to say I'm sorry...I know what it is to have a rough day hit now and then, it happens with grief. Time doesn't seem to alleviate it completely. We do get more adept at coping, but that doesn't mean we don't have particularly bad days or need to vent.

[KATPILOT]

I want to thank you all for the comforting words. Yes I got through that day as we all do and feeling sorry for myself does happen once and again but I go on. We have such good things to say to another grieving soul that helps. I suppose that is what makes this site so special. I thank you all and just so you know, the anger has gone away at least for now. I will tell you this. Kathy's birthday is in March and I am going away for a few days letting nothing keep me from it. Some times you just have to remove yourself from the stress of work and get away if just to have that peace. That is how I can "let it flow" as you describe it dear Fae.

[kayc]

I hope you enjoy your time away, dear Stephen, and are able to "let it flow".