ffigoni Posted June 18, 2014 Report Share Posted June 18, 2014 Hello. I would first like to say that you have no idea what means to me that someone took the time to put this website up. It may have saved my sanity… And I apologize for the book I am about to post… I’m a 47 year old man who had his marriage of 19 end after my ex wife’s brother died of a drug overdose. Throughout the entire process of our breakup and the slow decline of my ex wife’s happiness, I could feel something was wrong, but I just couldn’t help or stop it from happening. Eventually, she walked out of our marriage five months after his death, as soon as my youngest daughter left our house. It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion where there’s nothing I could do to stop it… It really sucked the life out of me and left me devastated. I spent months dealing with pain on a daily basis. My work suffered and my home life consisted of drinking heavily to kill the pain I knew awaited every evening. The only saving grace in this process and what probably saved my life was my eldest daughter who helped me through the whole grieving process. It was eight months after this breakup, when I finally got my life back together and felt somewhat normal, in that I only broke down once in a while. It was early March and I decided to finally go to see my best friend who I had avoided over the past six months. At this time, I had a long time acquaintance, which happened to be his sister Alex, enter into my life. I could characterize the first five months of our relationship as incredibly passionate, symbiotic, and very strong. I had never experienced love, chemistry and connection on that level in my life. We had already had a twenty-year peripheral relationship, which brought us together on many occasions, including her mother’s death 12 years previous. Within two months of our relationship we were already discussing a future marriage. It was mid July when I received a text from her that her father, who had been fighting cancer for years, had fallen outside of his house and was now in the emergency room. Over the next three weeks he slowly declined and finally died in early August. Looking back now and after reading all the stories on this site, I can very easily see every sign of what was coming, if I only had the knowledge and ability to interpret them at the time… Her father was her whole life after her mother had passed away. Yes, she had her sister and brother, but she was a single mother with little contact from her young daughters father. Although she did have a job, she didn’t make much for her lifestyle. I had found out that her father had been a Doctor and paid for her lifestyle, which can be considered “top shelf,” and apartment in a very expensive area of Sacramento, Ca. Her lease for her apartment was coming up for renewal at the end of the month and she had no idea how she was going to afford the rent. She was not only dealing with the death of her father, all the external forces were crushing her. I attempted to take pressure off of her by suggesting if she needed to use me as a last resort, that she could move in with me. However, I lived over a hundred miles away in a small town in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, which would mean quitting her job and moving away from everything she knew in Sacramento. Within two days, she had made up her mind that she would move into my house after a planned trip to Lake Tahoe at the end of the month. At that time, I was surprised she made such a snap decision, but I just attributed it to her desire to be with me, not that she was completely incapable of any rational thinking during this period of the grieving process. We took our trip to Tahoe at the end of August to celebrate her 40th birthday, just three weeks after her father’s funeral. I knew she should be grieving, but she never cried, never needed support from me, and never showed much emotion about it, in effect, she had buried it deep inside herself. It was at this time though I noticed a very big difference in the woman I had known before her fathers passing and now. She no longer smiled at me, no longer looked at me with any sort of love in her eyes, and stopped responding to a daily love letter I emailed her every day since we first became lovers. She tried to be the same person, I could see her trying, but she was just wasn’t the same. She moved into my house a week later and we setup our domestic life together. She seemed happy, but again, she had stopped responding to me with the same body language as prior to her father’s death, but she seemed to be taking it all very well. Over the next three months, she picked out a new floor to go into our house, she painted the walls, and she would greet me every evening with a martini and a kiss. I was in absolute heaven with the woman I loved and I never saw the train wreck coming… It was the week of Thanksgiving and she desperately wanted to go visit my mother who lived in the bay area. I look at this point as the beginning of the end. My mother, a manic depressant, didn’t want to really deal with Thanksgiving so she declined. I knew my mother and also knew that if we had just shown up, everything would have been fine. However, Alex took this very personally. Alex began crying and told me that my mother hated her. She stormed off, telling me to forget it. I was taken aback by the reaction, not knowing how to fix the situation or make her feel better. We did have a very small Thanksgiving by ourselves, but I could tell she was still genuinely hurt. That next week, I tried to pull her out of what I saw to be depression by taking a ride with her and her daughter to a u-cut Christmas tree out in the mountains. We spend a day of it, picking out the tree, pulling out the lights, finding all the right ornaments, and decorating the house. I had bought thousands of white lights to decorate the outside of the house because he loved outside lights. She was smiling by the end of the day and we went to a Christmas parade that evening to see Santa for her daughter and everything seemed normal again. Over the next two weeks however, she needed to take frequent trips to her father’s house in Sacramento to deal with several issues regarding his estate. Day trips turned into two days, then three, then a week. She was rarely home that month spending most of her time at her father’s house. I asked her if she needed me to help her, but she kept telling me that everything was fine and that she was just going through paperwork at his house. She came back two days prior to Christmas and we spent the day making Christmas cookies with her daughter. Laughing, smiling, sharing… Everything still seemed fine. On Christmas Eve, I sent her a love note again and I received the last positive response I have from her. “I love you, you are my whole world.” Christmas morning came and she seemed very agitated. She made a Pavlova, which her mother had always made at Christmas time and we had a wonderful dinner. She told me she again had to leave in the morning for her father’s house, which caught me by surprise because we were going to plan that week for an upcoming trip after the first of the year to New Zealand for her brothers wedding where I was the best man and she was the maid of honor. However, I never questioned it and I would be busy getting everything ready for the end of the year at work. She departed in the morning. She returned a day prior to new years and I knew something was wrong. She was not smiling and seemed distant from me. That evening, when I tried to make love, she simply said no, that she had a breakdown in her car on the way to her father’s house and everything had changed but she couldn’t talk about it. I heard the pain in her voice, which came out in anguish, which surprised me, but I took this as her having an emotional response to it and left it alone. But New Years was no better, as she was agitated and began criticizing me. She barely talked to me the next two days leading up to our trip, but she did quickly relate to me how she felt like there was nothing for her to do where we lived. This was strange, because I had warned her about it so I didn’t understand. She told me she was looking into being a beautician and going back to school. I thought this would be a good idea for her as she felt so alone and isolated, but I had no real idea how she was going to do it. None of this mattered however, as we were going to travel the next day. We flew to New Zealand and I knew immediately she was in a very deep emotional state. The entire trip, she either ignored me or was completely hostile to me, to the point I contemplated flying home after two days into our trip. I stuck it out, but it just got worse and worse for me. Her daughter started attacking me verbally and my friend kept pulling me aside, apologizing to me for her sister and niece. I didn’t understand what was going on and felt like I did when my wife had left me over a year and a half before. I withdrew totally form her on that trip and attempted to just stay out of her way as any form of love was met with a hostile reaction. When we got back, I had formed a plan to find out what was going on and really tried to engage her by taking her and her daughter on hikes, and other excursions. Nothing changed however, as she was still withdrawn… It was at this time, her brother contacted me with a new job offer in Houston, TX. Alex immediately told me to peruse the offer and she seemed genuinely happy it had come up. So with that in mind, I was hoping it would mean a good positive change for us. She would be close to her brother and we could start a new life in Houston. Over the next month, I interviewed with the company and they gave me an offer making quite a bit more than I had been currently making. It seemed like salvation for us at the time. But when I told Alex about it, she immediately told me she was moving back to Sacramento and needed time to find a place to live. She found a school to go to and would need to find something by April 1st. At this point, everything became surreal. I withdrew further from her as every time I tried to reach her emotionally, I was met with hostility… I asked her about us and how we would survive this, she flat out told me that she had no interest in a long distance relationship. With that, she spent the next month at her father’s house until she came up to move all her stuff. I attempted over the past few months since moving to contact her, but I received nothing from her until last Sunday when I received this: <<<It is over. You must move on. I wish you all the best, but do not wish to maintain any sort of contact. This is the only time I will respond. Do not contact me using ANY means, email, text, phone calls or through other people. If you continue to do so I will consider this harassment.>>> She was the love of my life and the most wonderful person I have ever experienced in my time on this planet. To say I’m devastated is an understatement… The real strange thing is my ex-wife, whom I had the same experience with, finally contacted me socially and not through a lawyer the same day… The universe is indeed a very strange and chaotic place… 1. What are the chances, if any, she will ever want to have a relationship again and are there any success stories out there? Is it even worth even pursuing??? 2. Should I maintain any sort of contact (i.e. monthly) just to let her know I’m still out here??? 3. How do I deal with the pain which seems much worse than when my ex wife left me… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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