Can't Stop Questioning Stuff

[LoriM]

I am so stuck here. I can't even think about this, but I went ahead and thought about it and made a call to EMT. My husband had stage 4 cancer for over 3 years, since December things got worse. The tumors in his liver were growing, tumors in his chest were growing, more tumor in his neck, and not to mention many other issues. My husband had his adrenal glands out in June of 2014 because the cancer was causing something called Cushings. With no adrenal glands, we took artificial hormones in pill form. We knew that in the event of an emergency, called an adrenal crisis, we were to administer this injection, CorticoSolut. The night before, he was coughing quite a bit, but that was something "normal" to us, I mean, he always coughed and spit up stuff. It was more than usual, but we still watch a show and I wrapped his legs (he had terrible edema). The next morning is when it all happened. When the EMT came, I told them that he doesn't have adrenal glands and he needed the Cortico injection. I went to the truck to get it in his fanny pack, and brought it to them. They said they don't need it, assuming they had it and were going to give it to him. I think I mention the injection about 7 times, not sure why, I just kept saying it. Even when I was in the front seat of the ambulance, I mentioned it again. It was like I was INVISIBLE to everyone and that my voice was just NOISE to everyone. Me, the caregiver and wife, that knew every single thing about my husband, every sound, every movement (crying now), everything, I knew which vein was good, where his scares were located, etc. Why don't medical personelle acknowlege the caregiver as the most important person in the room? We know our loved ones. SO, I had to know whether or not the Cortico was administered. I received the record today, and it was not. The worst nightmare came true. I failed my husband. I should have done it myself. it would have saved him from one more suffering. I pray he will forgive me. I know he was a sick man (words of the doctor), but they didn't do what they were suppose to do. In June, I called the fire department and made sure they put a flag in the system that our address had a cancer patient that did not have adrenal glands. As I sat there in the ambulance, I saw it on the screen even. They didn't administer it and they didn't even have it with them. Even when we went to the emergency room, I handed the nurse his bag of medications and I told them he didn't have adrenal glands. I want to get the hospital report. I mean, I don't know if this would have changed the outcome, but if I could have had one more conversation with him. I don't know what to think or feel. I just keep saying, "I am so sorry" to my husband. I feel like a failure and I should have done something more.

[Guppy2006]

Dear Lori, I can feel your pain and confusion. You didn't fail your husband, you tried to make them listen. I sit and question a lot of what happened throughout my Husband's sickness and the night he passed away. These questions will forever haunt me but will not bring him back. My husband had stage 4 cancer and was only diagnosed on February 7, 2015. We remained hopeful and confident that he would beat it. The night he passed away, the doctor told me that his blood had thickened so his heart had a hard time pumping the bood which caused him to go into cardiac arrest. Why wasn't he on bood thinners? I often think that because he was stage 4 and the doctors had no hope for his survival, they did not do what they could to keep him with me longer. I feel for you and hope you find some comfort in the coming months Be gentle with yourself-you did what you could and I'm sure your husband would understand and appreciated your efforts.

[annew]

Dearest Lori,

What if's are the most troubling effects of grief. Those of us who took so much responsibility feel it still. Mistakes and miscommunication happened a lot with us and the medical ones. I know my husband forgives me but it has been a long walk toward forgiving myself for what I could not control, for not hearing him, for how utterly drained and exhausted I was that I missed things. Forgiving myself is telling me now I did the best I could and it was not my place to decide whether he lived or passed on. I would like to believe that but even in the end when I think he knew, it was clearly between him and God. The choice was never mine, I don't have that kind of power in the life of another no matter how much I love them and feel so deeply responsible to care for them. I have felt a failure and great defeat as well. It took a year and a half to let myself just let that be what it is. While saying you are sorry to him, say it to your own sweet heart and show yourself some deep compassion for being human and not having the power of life and death for your loved ones. It will come, the acceptance and forgiveness for yourself when you love yourself more and never less. Many, many blessings and much love for you now, Lori.

AnneW

[kayc]

Lori, You didn't fail him, they did. It is normal to relive the end and beat ourselves up for what we did/didn't do, analyzing it over and over...even though we didn't know then what we know now, even though we are not the doctors, nor should/could we be expected to know everything they've had the education, training and experience for. But to us our spouse was the most important one in the world and we'd have done anything to have kept them here and free from suffering.

Maybe you should write him a letter and tell him what you are feeling. Then write yourself a letter back from him, telling you what you think he would say in response. Peace to you, dear Lori.

[mittam99]

Lori, I don't mean to hijack your thread but what you said about guilt made me think of my own...

BTW, you certainly did everything the best you could.

I'm dealing with the guilt from the what if's ... it overwhelms me. I play the day Tammy passed away over and over in my head. I was her caregiver, I was supposed to make the right decisions. I was supposed to be her knight in shining armor... her protector.

Of course, everything I'm feeling right now is in hindsight. I know that definitely plays tricks on your mind and causes unwarranted guilt.

In my case, I know I did everything to the best of my ability. I acted the same that day as I would have on any other day. I always only wanted one thing... for Tammy to be ok.

One thing about Tammy was she knew her body. She knew when she needed to go to the hospital or had to call for an ambulance. On that fateful Friday though, all she said was she was extremely tired. There were some odd signs like her little bit of confusion.. she seemed much more tired than normal. I guess I simply couldn't believe that it was more than that. After all, we had just come home from that hospital/rehab stay and she was getting better, right?

By the time her symptoms got worse (trouble breathing), it was basically too late. Why didn't I know to call 911 earlier? I know in my mind I felt like these symptoms had to be from that new narcotic pain pill she took that morning. I consulted my brother in law (a physician and he concurred that it could be the med). Tammy herself just said she needed sleep and she was restless and couldn't get comfortable.

A couple of weeks ago, I came across an article online explaining some common signs of someone being near death. They mentioned the restlessness, the extreme tiredness and the confusion. But of course, I had no idea of this on Match the 6th. The symptoms Tammy had were similar to things we've dealt with over the years of her living with systemic lupus.

I keep beating myself up over this. I know Tammy wouldn't want me doing that. She knows I always lived my life to make sure she was ok at all times. I loved her more than anyone in this world and now my world is a world of nothingness.

How do I accept the fact that this was essentially out of my control, that it was not my fault... that her organs were shutting down?

This is eating me up.

[KATPILOT]

Mitch,

We all have had a time of self blame. Lori, you too are just coming into that guilt thing we all have experienced, some to a greater degree than others, but the one constant here that we all can and should remember is that we love our wives and husbands. Who among us would say that we would intentionally harm them? The one constant is that we do the best we can. We try but death will always win no matter how long we fight it off. It is so easy to blame ourselves but the truth is, you guys never let them down. The what if's will get you every time and there is no answer to that question. I understand the feeling for sure because I went through it. I am four years and two months from wishing I had just done things differently and the truth is I would still be widowed right now no matter what. If anyone can say that if they had done something else, the love of their life would have gone on living, then I will apologize and stand down.

I want to say that even though I suggest this truth, I can't expect that guilt will not be with you for a while. I've been there. It is part of grieving. I just hope it can help to hear how at the end of the day, it really wasn't our fault.

Kay truly has it right about what they would say to us if they could. That is the one thing they would want us most to release.

Stephen

[Froggie4635]

I spoke to a dear friend this weekend, someone who is a retired social worker, and we talked about all the questions we find ourselves asking; not only questioning did we do the right thing, or did we do enough. I, too, feel those twinges of guilt...did I call 911 soon enough? I always remind myself that when the paramedics arrived, Mark still had a pulse, because I did what the woman on the phone told me to do and that was give him chest compressions. I looked at the timeline from when I found him in the bathroom not feeling well, to the time I called 911 to the time he died ( probably not even an hour and a half), and tell myself I couldn't have done any more than I did. Neither of you should feel that you failed your spouses.

I also spoke to my friend about not allowing myself to ask other questions...specifically why did this have to happen? My logical mind reminds me that there are questions we will not find the answers to at this time; we will know when it is our time to know those answers. I have enough to deal with without causing myself anguish to try and look for an answer that no one can give me. I guess that speaks of the trust I have in my faith. I wasn't raised religiously, but my spirituality has given me a strong faith. Sometimes, I will say "I don't deserve this" ...because it hurts to be without Mark, and I am a good person, just as everyone who is on this forum and didn't deserve to lose the love of their life. I guess it is the beginning of acceptance.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I invite you to read this piece, which contains some other writings that I've found to be helpful: Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief