Four Months

[R.Everit55]

Last night at 11:15pm was four months since my beautiful bride lost her battle with so much... But ultimately ALS stole her.

Four months, yet I still sit here "judging" myself thinking I should be better. But last night totally snuck up on me like a Mack Truck hitting my heart at ramming speed. And today is Mother's Day and this morning tears are falling like my heart is just shattering in more pieces than its already been shattered...

I want her back. To share in the joy our son and DIL received this week of expecting two more babies come Dec to add to our two grandsons. Why can't I just be happy and that's all? Why does it all have to hurt so immensely too...

I've got to go get myself together for our son and grandsons...

So hard.

Butch

[feralfae]

Dear Butch,

You ARE together. Mary knows how well you are managing to make it through each day. She knows how much you are there for your son and grandsons. With you, she is celebrating the joyful news of the twins. I so very well remember those days of thinking I "should" be doing better, that I "should" find a way to rise above the sadness and grief, that I "should" be getting on with life and clearing my mind and heart and able to be more effective at work.

It has taken a long time to accept that today, no matter what is going on, I am all right, that it is all right to be where I am today, and to be right here, to let life flow, and to enjoy what I am able to enjoy, and to cry when I need to cry.

Butch, we slowly, very slowly, learn to carry our grief with more grace. We ever so slowly learn to let in little bits of joy, to enjoy the moment, to be caught in the aliveness of the day. I think sometimes that it sort of sneaks up on me: a flower blooming, a bird singing, a hug from a dear friend. These comforts and reminders that life is going on around me, help to draw me back into my own life, and to appreciate that I am here, surrounded by all the beauty and richness which we are given by our Creator, and I then stand in awe and wonder at my beautiful, beautiful life. Not perfect, not always happy, and sometimes devastatingly empty, as it was when Doug left. But he left me with so much love, so many beautiful memories, such a constant sense of his spirit within and around me, that I cannot help but feel grateful that I am still here to carry his memory, to sometimes say his name to the forest and the birds, and to be lifted by the love that still lives on.

We cannot change our loss, but we can do exactly what you are doing: acknowledge the loss and pain, and turn to the beauty of life when we are able to do so, even if only for a few minutes at a time.

I think you are walking with great grace and beauty, and I know Mary is so very proud of you for being the loving, caring person you are.

I am dedicating this Mother's Day to my Grandmother, who was one of my sanctuaries, and to my darling MIL, Estelle, who simply surrounded us all with her bright and loving spirit in many ways. How wonderful that we have had such people to love. Mary and Doug. Our families and friends. I think I feel best when love is flowing through me. I know that even in your deep sorrow, love is flowing through you for your family, and I know that love is healing your heart, because that is what love does.

You are a loving and caring person, and I hope today you will find some comforting memories, some beautiful memories, to bring peace to your heart.

Blessings,

fae

[R.Everit55]

Fae,

Yes, how wonderful indeed that we have had such wonderful people to love.

And yes, the love flowing through our families. The love flowing through my family... My son and grandsons and the joys of new grandchildren to come... I don't know where I would be without this love.

It's hard because the love and grief all intertwine but without the love of our beloved who are gone and without the love continuing on in family now... Where would we be?

Thank dear Fae.

❤️

[R.Everit55]

We are getting ready to go to church to honor Mary and who she was and is to all of us on this Mother's Day.

[Jeffrey]

I'm praying for you Butch. I hope you have a great day today.

[kayc]

I am thankful we have this place to come to and each other to turn to.

Butch, I wish you could go easier on yourself. You wish you were handling it better...than what? This is a tough loss to digest and it takes time to do so. It's hard to believe it's been four months but it probably seems like forever to you. You're in my thoughts today, enjoy your grandsons!

[R.Everit55]

So I went from immense sadness, to trying to do right by everyone.... Including my Mary.

Now... I'm just really angry. So angry I have words, but I can't put them here...

[R.Everit55]

Are there rules for anger? I mean immense anger that just seems wrong and intense and you don't know why you're angry? Is this a stupid inquiry? Is this anger because I've been trying so hard to be strong? To not be emotional. Yet four months and Mother's Day hit me like a Mack truck.

I just don't know...

Is it okay to be angry and to just not know?

If someone crossed me right now, I seriously would scream at them. And not my son or DIL or grandsons.

Maybe I just need to lock myself away...

[MartyT]

Butch, my dear, of course it's okay to be angry ~ just as it's okay to be any other way as you travel along this totally unfamiliar path. It may help for you to share more of what you are feeling here, in this safe place where you're surrounded by compassionate, caring others who will not pass judgment upon you.

As for suggestions on how to manage anger, you may find this article helpful. See also some of the Related Articles listed at the base: Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

[kayc]

I hope you talk to your counselor about your feelings as soon as you have a session. Yes, anger is part of grief, and yes, sometimes we don't even know why we feel angry.

As for rules about handling anger, try to find a healthy venue for it, like writing your feelings. Try not to attack anyone or take anything out on anyone, even if they seem to provoke it.

“Three Things
Three things cannot be retrieved:
The arrow once sped from the bow
The word spoken in haste
The missed opportunity."

"But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger"

[enna]

Oh dear Butch,

Anger is very normal in grief. For those of us who have been on this journey for awhile can assure you that anger can flare its head at times when we least expect it. Feelings are fine as long as we don't act on them.

I can remember when anger first raised its ugly head for me. It was long after Jim had died that I was reflecting back to those last days of his life and those around me pretty much made me go spend a few hours shopping just to get out of the house. Jim was going to be in good hands ~ one daughter would be with Jim, our nurse I hired was planning on staying until I returned and our Hospice nurse was coming for a visit that she did then three or four times during the week. I had nothing to be concerned about so I went out for awhile. I returned early and when I entered the house all three were in Jim's room working on him! I asked what was going on and they told me that they were making him comfortable! Comfortable my eye, they were checking to see if he was still with breath. I stayed up that night and shortly after midnight he stopped breathing ~ I knew he was gone.

I stayed with him until morning before I called anyone. My anger was directed at those who talked me into leaving the house for awhile.

At the time, I did not have anger only sadness, but later anger came to me out of nowhere. I have since learned that the anger was a part of my grieving and it was normal to have those feelings.

We are all different and to does help us to share our feelings here. We are safe here as you know.

Anne

[R.Everit55]

Thank Marty for the link. I will look.

And thank you Kay.

I would love to be able to express here, amongst friends walking this same journey, only there just aren't words. Only feeling. Anger. I had a session with my therapist today. She very honestly placed the question on the table... Am I angry at Mary? She said that would be natural and okay. But in my heart, there is nothing "natural" or "okay" with any anger towards my wife. She was perfect in my eyes. I got angry at my therapist for even putting that out there. She also told me anger is really depression. And depression can be anger.

I'm not an angry man. Never have been. I would never harm or lash out at anyone. Even though right now is someone crossed me in the slightest, I feel like I would lash out. But I'm not that kind of person.

I hate this process. I hate this journey. I hate that I try hard to enjoy my family and the good news and try hard to be so strong. And then it's like back to square one.

My therapist handed me a book at the end of our session. "The Death of a Wife" by Robert Vogt. I haven't opened yet. It's here next to my bed. I don't feel like opening it. She said I don't have to do anything with it until I feel like. I don't feel like it.

She assured me I'm not having a nervous breakdown, when I insisted that I am all of a sudden. She said no, this is grief and it's something that can't be gone around, over, or under... Only right through it and it's going to feel like a giant storm.

Maybe this is a storm... A hurricane... A typhoon... It's like a constant battle against the elements.

Going to lay down and "talk" to my bride... Ask her if I am angry with her, or if that is even possible... And maybe just maybe my heart will receive an answer somehow from her.

Thanks for listening...

[R.Everit55]

Anne, thank you too.

I am sorry...

And I know three years is approaching soon.

Hugs.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Butch,

I understand your statement and anger at someone even hinting that you might be angry with Mary. I, like you, am not a person who gets angry. I get irritated and bothered, but not true anger. I told Mark not long after we were married, when he had a spell where he was ill and it went on for some time and he didn't do anything about it. I explained to him that I did not get mad or angry...I told him that what LOOKS like anger is fear. I told him that when I get scared, it comes across as anger. I don't think I have it in my heart to be mad at Mark for dying. He had finally found contentment in his life, and I cannot fathom him going easily when called. I don't feel abandoned, because, once again, I don't feel he left willingly. Then it comes down to me not having the need to ask WHY. I just don't allow myself to ask questions I know I won't get an answer to...and there is no one on Earth that can tell me WHY. I need my energy to deal with so many other things in my life right now, and can't use it to bring myself frustration.

As so many wise people have spoken here to you, I bow to their experience. This journey is one wrought with triggers and unknowing. I have read quite a few books now on losing a spouse, and specifically a husband. I found them all so very helpful. There are so many perspectives, and sometimes reading someone else's experiences (just as we read others posts) gives us another view, and sometimes can put words to something we are going through and to make it more understandable and accepting. Be gentle to yourself, Butch. One step at a time.

[kayc]

Butch, Your therapist is right...if there had been away around grief, I would have surely found it and taken that route, but there is no such way, only straight through it, pain and all.

I remember feeling anger at George for ditching me. (When he had his final heart attack I called out to him, "stay with me!" and he shook his head "no". Twice that happened.) Anger is just an emotion, we don't have control over whether it comes or not, only how we deal with it. As such, we don't deserve to feel ashamed of it. It's just an emotion that comes to us unbidden for us to deal with. It's okay to feel angry. The Bible even says, "Be angry and sin not". Jesus got angry. It's as natural as eating or breathing. You say you would never lash out at someone, so there you go, you don't have an anger problem. I grant you, it's not a fun emotion, just one to be gotten through. Sometimes when I've felt angry, I've self-examined, tried to get to the bottom of the emotion, "what is really going on here?" and usually I can figure it out. Feeling angry towards a person does not mean they deserve it, but neither does it mean we deserve to have to go through the experience and feel it either! It just is what it is. When I felt anger at George for abandoning me (through death), it's more the situation than HIM that brought it on. Realistically I knew his heart gave out. Yeah I would have liked it if he'd fought harder to live and made it, but he fought the good fight and I know it, there are some things that are beyond human effort and this was one of them. He was in immense pain and the truth is, I probably wouldn't have held out as long as he did! When I think about what he went through the last year, working 75 miles from home, ten hour shifts, at night, lifting beyond his capacity on a regular basis (the company broke the law), hard physical work with hot protective clothing & helmet, welding, no air conditioning, even in summer, stifling heat, them cracking the whip, faster, faster, more more! No wonder his heart gave out.

Maryann,Good point (what looks like anger is fear)...there is usually an underlying emotion, such as hurt, fear, etc.

[MartyT]

It's also worth remembering that we may have no control over our feelings ~ but we do have control over our behavior. So what matters is not how we feel, but rather, what we DO with what we are feeling. Anger is harmful only when we allow it to affect our behavior, since the ultimate expression of anger against others is homicide, whereas the ultimate expression of anger against the self is suicide.

Beyond that, both Maryann and Kay are right: Anger doesn't just happen out of the blue, and beneath the anger is usually some other emotion we may not want to face. In our culture, for example, it may be easier to feel anger than to feel guilt or hurt or pain ~ especially for men, many of whom have been brought up to be strong and not show any signs of being weak or vulnerable.

[kayc]

I thought that was what I said, it's what I tried to convey.

[R.Everit55]

I hear and appreciate all of you words friends. I do.

I have tried to live in this new "role" for four months. I've tried for everyone. And reality is pushing me in the gut. I honestly don't have a clue how to live this new role. I don't even think I ever knew how to live the role I had in the battle with Mary's illness, grief, and mostly the infuriating ALS that stole her slowly then quickly from me. It won. Now all I have is this role for the rest of my days on this earth, without the other half of my heart... Actually really, my entire heart. She was my entire heart. Four months I have tried for our son for our grandsons and now for the two new grand babies coming later this year. But it seems my trying isn't enough. Because I simply do not know how to live this new role. Or how anyone here lives in their new role. I want to lock myself away right now... Just seclude myself. Maybe then this new life of the last four months will just be a dream.

Right now I'm uselessly angry. And I don't know how to do anger.

[feralfae]

Butch,

You know this is a place to bring your anger. We understand. I doubt that any of us has made it this far with our grief without days of anger, perhaps even rage. I wrote long, nasty letters to doctors about what I believe was their incompetence, to hospitals who botched tests, to people who took advantage of Doug's being ill. I didn't mail any of them, but it helped a lot to rant and rage on my computer or with my fountain pen, and to get it OUT until I felt a still, inert emptiness inside where the anger had been. And then, of course, more anger rose up in a few days, and I repeated the process. I threw things, split wood, did all I could around the times of weakness from the surgeries. I would sit in my car and growl and yell. I made balls of clay and threw them very hard against my studio work table. I lifted weights, walked, ran a little, carried rocks, and did all kinds of things.

I came here and wrote about my anger, and I think everyone who responded understood and shared the experience. Of course you are angry. You have been robbed of your most prized treasure of your heart. I think we all muddle through in this new role, and that it takes a long time to sort it out, begin to think about a new life, and to begin to slowly, every so slowly, put some of the pieces back together to begin to create anything that feels like life again.

Keep being patient and compassionate with your broken heart, with your need to feel all different feelings, and to accept and honor those feelings as a part of the process. Anger is a familiar feeling when we are grieving. And I don't think anger is useless: it often tells us where we need to do some healing work, probably with our grief counselor.

Bring your anger here, vent and rage, and we will hold your heart while you use this safe place to slowly release the anger from your heart and body. We understand and share your feelings, and we are here for you.

Blessings,

fae

[R.Everit55]

Fae, thank you.

I signed back in because in my above post I failed to say something. Yes I don't know how to be in this new role. I don't even know how I can open up and care for "strangers" I've never met. Yet somehow I have. And I have love and more importantly, graciousness for each of you here on this journey. And I truly believe part of that love and graciousness is a carryover from Mary, and from Shannon... For those of you that "knew" them and cared for them and helped them through their grief.

Thank you and if I know one thing right now, the connection found and felt here, is keeping me going... Even if I have to seclude myself.

It's hard to do many things physically since my heart procedures. I try to save my strength for my grandsons. Right now though, I'm just trying to figure this anger out.

And yes, Fae, I will post more... When I can find my way and reason and understand this anger.

With much love and graciousness ❤️

Butch.

[kayc]

When we got in this role, none of us knew how to live it, and I'm afraid it took me more time than I care to say to learn how to do this. I tried "filling the void", that didn't work, NOTHING fills the George void but George! But eventually I've learned how to coexist with it. I feel my life is now one of balance and peace and that's about the most I can hope for. It's lacking the George joy I used to have. But I can't fail to acknowledge the good things that do come my way, however small they might seem in comparison. I've learned it does me no good to compare...comparing is a losing proposition. Instead I try to acknowledge the good and look for it.

You've only been at this four months, I think it'd be out of line to expect much at that point, I know it's hard to see beyond today, but just getting through today is enough at this point. I'm glad you have your son & DIL & grands to enjoy nearby. I've been alone on this journey as my kids just aren't around...many here are in that boat.

If you need to seclude yourself for a time, then so be it...you will know when you need to move beyond your world and interact with others again. I did so for the most part for over a year when I lost my job, I needed time for healing from it's toxins, and between my injuries and maladies, it kind of put me into that seclusion, but it was more than that, I actually sought and needed to be home where it was comfortable and cozy. This was my haven, this place George called our "home in the clouds". I remember Derek Podesta used to tease me when I'd say that. None of you know him, he was on here long before your worlds changed. sigh...

I think you'll work through your anger. Try most of all not to judge it, not to judge yourself for how you're feeling. This is a place that has taught me that while we're a work in progress, it's also a place of acceptance and healing.

We're with you, my friend.

[R.Everit55]

I'm pretty certain I'm agitated, angry, and everything else under the sun, because May 29th is two years since the death of my BIL, Mary's brother, Leo. She threw herself into helping Shannon care for him. She threw herself into caring for Shannon and her cancer too. She didn't just casually care... She threw her entire heart, soul, body, and spirit into it all. And I let her. I couldn't get in her way. No one could. And no one should have. Or even could because family was number one for her. They passed three and a half months apart. But they were husband and wife. Mary would have given her life for her brother and our SIL. And in a way she did. Our family (not our son or DIL) believe Mary would still be here had she not thrown herself into caring for them. Maybe I'm starting to believe that as well. But I never got in my wife's way of anything... Especially her family. Maybe she'd still be here though. I'm angry. Not at her. How could I ever be angry at her. Not at my BIL or SIL. No. I think my family are out of line trying to play God and say she'd be here had I not allowed her to throw herself into Leo and Shannon's care. Yet even though they are out of line, part of me believes what they say.

I have cut my parents (and siblings) out these last four months since Mary's death but still when I do speak to them this is always brought up. Life is freaking short! Why must they do this! They are missing out on my life and their grandson's and great grandsons lives and that of the twins coming at the end of this year.

Why can't we just have peace.

I will not judge them. But I will never stop defending my wife's memory and her 110% love and dedication to her brother who passed May 29, 2013 and his twin who passed June 12, 2004 and our SIL who passed Sept 10, 2013.

I won't allow them to put her down and put me down for her dedication to family.

It's sad... Simply sad.

But I'm angry, sad, agitated, and so much more. Too much has been lost.

On a lighter note. My son and DIL know if the babies to come are identical or fraternal... However, they are not revealing that info until their genders are revealed which will not be until end of July early August. They are keeping Grampy on his toes. Isn't that just rude!

Something to look forward to... Identical or fraternal, and gender reveals. I was never too excited with the gender reveal of the boys... I'm a chill guy. But apparently Mary is really with me and so I'm excited for us both.

I miss her so much...

[feralfae]

Butch, I just want to push past the first part of what you wrote ^ and focus on the wonderful news about the twins, and don't they just love to keep us in suspense? I am excited for you that you have this wonderful present—these wonderful presents!—coming into your life. I can almost see the sparkle in our eyes as you write about them. What a wonderful helping of happiness for you! Lovely!

I am so happy for you and Mary that you have the twins coming. I think this will brighten your life so much that you will be able to release more of the anger. Some of have been here since Shannon was here, and we miss Shannon and loved her dearly. Then, darling Mary came into our hearts and cared for Leo and Shannon. We loved Mary's beautiful soul, and know that she was on her perfect path, even if we don't understand it all.

People tried to get me to take breaks from caring for Doug, but he wanted me there, and I wanted to be there. I am so very thankful that no one tried to pull me away, because that was a very precious time. I know that all the love flowing between Mary and her family made each day a blessing of a day for her. You, being a loving husband, never tried to stop Mary from being who she was, and doing what she wanted to do. You let her shine her light in her own way, and we all saw her beautiful spirit. Thank you for letting Mary be who she is, from her spirit. I know why she loves you so much—you two have unconditional love for each other, loving spirit to spirit.

I am laughing at you feeling Mary's excitement, usually chill guy. She is bringing happiness and delight, laughter and excitement, to your heart. Thank you for sharing that with us. I am smiling. *<twinkles>*

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Oh Butch, you're right, you don't need people bringing that up and rehashing it. You couldn't change Mary's mind if you wanted to, and who would have wanted her any different than the wonderful loving, caring soul she was! It is what made her who she is and why she is missed so much.

I am glad you have the twins to look forward to and I am waiting on pins and needles with you...I hope you let us know as soon as you know something!

My grandbaby is due in five days...this last week is hard waiting!

[R.Everit55]

I am so just done...

But I saw this image tonight. There's got to be a Heaven and Angels...