Others Happy News, But Indifferent To Them. How To Deal?

[scba]

Dear all,

I've just signed up. I've came across this website while looking for some clues about grief + apathy. I've read almost all posts from this section and felt I could start from here. I hope I will be able to contribute to your posts as well.

A short introduction: I lost my boyfriend on Sept 2014. He died after a long disease. I was not prepared. It was too soon (4 years together), we're too young (we're in our early 30s) and with him, my life and dreams died too. It's so true to me what Susan Boyle sings: my life has killed the dream I dreamed. I've moved to live with my parents. I left behind a hole life (his family, my friends, my job, our apartment and so on). Memories from our life together still hurt (because I cannot totally believe what happened). We were soul mates.

Besides my family and my grief counselor, I've none here to talk about my boyfriend and my grief. None knew him here and I'm too young to be a widow (I feel like I'm a widow). My friends are having babies and buying houses, grief isn't a topic to be talked or understood. I had to lock my grief inside my heart and be brave to face people who cannot help me/doesn't want to or know to/ cannot cope with my pain. I look like "normal" now, but it's like a volcano, the "activity" is inside. And this is why I came here to look for your advise:

Many good news are happening (birth - marriage - new houses - new jobs) and though I politely smile and make diplomatic questions and congratulate them....the truth is I don't care. But this is not me! I never been this way with my friends.

Did you feel this way?

How did you cope with it?

Thank you for reading my post and for any advise.

PS: Please don't tell me: I'm too young, I will find love again....I know it means well, but I cannot hear it.

[kayc]

I am so sorry for your loss, there's never a good time to lose your partner, no matter how young or how old you are, and of course, no one here would ever tell you you're young, you'll find love again, that is way inappropriate to say to someone grieving!

It's normal to feel like the things others are talking about and planning are trivial when what you've just gone through is life shattering! It will take time to learn to reengage yourself in their lives, but right now your grief is overshadowing all. It's going to be hard being as noone around you knew him and perhaps doesn't know of your loss. Perhaps you could find a grief support group where there are others that understand what you're going through. Have you seen a grief counselor? I would suggest starting there. And of course coming here will help you express yourself in a safe place where we understand and know some of what you're going through.

I hope you will continue to come here and familiarize yourself with this site and it's materials and read the threads here, it'll help you know you are not alone in your feelings and give you a place to start.

This being a holiday weekend it may be a little slow but others will respond shortly.

How did I cope with it? It was ten years ago for me that I lost my husband, my soulmate, the love of my life. In the beginning I felt the earth shattered and didn't know how I'd live without him. Finding this place was like handing me a life preserver. Try to remember to breathe, do self-care, eat something healthy, don't forget to drink plenty of water and take walks, it helps you be as clear headed as you can and that in itself can be quite a feat at this time. Remember there is no wrong way or right way to grieve, only your way. Whatever you are feeling, it's normal, and I hope you will continue to express yourself here.

[MartyT]

Dear one, I too am so very sorry for your loss, and I can't imagine how isolated you must feel. I cannot disagree with anything Kay has said to you, and I hope you will take her wise words to heart. The one place you will feel most understood is when you find yourself among those who've experienced a loss that is similar to your own. This is one such place: You never have to explain why you're thinking or feeling the way you are, because those who are here have been where you are now. There are other websites and resources aimed specifically at young widows, and you may find those helpful as well. ('m thinking especially of Camp Widow and Megan Devine's Refuge in Grief.) I've listed links to many of them here: Resources for Young Widows. Do consider Kay's suggestion of finding an "in person" grief support group; your local hospice should have a good referral list, as such organizations are familiar with whatever grief support services are available in your community. In any event, know that you are among kindred spirits here, and we welcome you with open arms and caring hearts. ♥

[scba]

Dear Marty and KayC,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I've never wrote in a forum before.

I have a counselor who is helping me a lot. It was the first time in my life I went to therapy (and it was the first decision I took when my boyfriend passed away: "I won't be able to cope with grief by myself"). He said: the aim of this journey is to save "Love". I felt relief because I thought I was "mad" and I need "to be fixed". I keep this sentence as an act of faith.

There are no grief groups in my city; the only one is for parents who lost their sons. Thankfully there are plenty of blogs and forums in which I can find “comfort” in the fact that I’m not alone nor crazy because my grief is so intense. Another resource that helps me is to write emails to our mutual friends who are also devastated by boyfriend’s death. They knew us as a couple and they can understand who I lost.

The sentence “You’re too young, you’ll find love again” is usually matched with “closure”. I guess my loss is (wrongly) related to a breakup (a sadden one, but it happened) because he was my boyfriend, we had no children; we were together for a couple of years, and so on.

What is wrong with this world that is unable to embrace other’s people pain without questioning it?

I know they mean well and surely they have no idea what means to grief. Somehow, they’re lucky for that. Still, I must endure those comments without yelling how wrong they are. But this is another subject.

Thank you again for your support. I will check more threads and the resources you kindly provided me.

S.

[MartyT]

My dear, you ask what is wrong with those unable to embrace other people's pain without questioning it. I'm afraid it's primarily because we Americans live in a death-denying society; until we encounter it first-hand or we lose someone we dearly love, we really have little or no experience with how it feels or how to deal with it.

You might find this article helpful, including some of the Related Articles listed at the base: Grief Support: When Others Fail To Meet Our Expectations.

[mittam99]

scba... what I've come to realize in the four months since my beloved wife Tammy passed away is that unless someone has experienced the loss of a spouse or soulmate, they truly cannot comprehend the enormity of the loss. And, as Marty says we live in a society that simply doesn't talk about death or grief in a meaningful way. I mean, watch TV and you'll see beloved spouses dying left and right and generally the surviving one is hooking up with a new love after a few episodes. That's not reality. If you're madly, deeply in love with someone, they are your world. Losing them means losing a part of yourself. Unlike any other loss, losing a spouse/soulmate affect EVERY part of your existence.

And don't get me started on the cliches... "you'll find someone else"... "they're in a better place"... "time heals all". When people say such things, it's simply because they don't know what to say.

I know what you mean about it being hard to deal with other's good news. Honestly, how else could you feel? You've just lost the love of your life. All you can really do is take it one day (really one step) at a time.

This grief journey we're on is life changing. This forum is a very good place to get help along the way.

[KATPILOT]

Dear scba I am so sorry for what you are going through and It's so very true that age has nothing to do with it. September is not all that long ago. The journey is a hard one but you will find support and tools to help you here. Coping is just one day at a time. Your lack of enthusiasm over the good news happening around you is typical of one in the place you are now. Maybe just a little numb? Perhaps still in a bit in shock? No matter what, you are no different than any other widow. You have the right to grieve just like the rest of us. Time and small steps is how it must go. We who have been on the road longer understand that more clearly now. As for me, I was once as you describe yourself now. Many of us had to put on that brave face to work. It's not easy and in my case, I would collapse when I got home but most people around you don't or won't get it as you will read here. Go to the one's that do get it. Kayce has a good suggestion of finding a grief support group. If you have trouble , please know there are many here in this very big family. It's a good place to come even late at night or the wee hours. It helped save my life too.

Marty,I like the article "when others fail to meet our expectations". It's helps our perspective, and it is so very true.

[kayc]

I'm glad you have a good counselor and am sorry there are no grief support groups in your area. I had the same problem as I live in the country. I have found this place to be very healing and hope you do too.

[scba]

Dear all, thank you very much for all your advice. I've started to read the links suggested and the forum threads, and I'm learning about this journey. Thank you again...

[Suitearia]

Hello scba ... I am so sorry about the loss of your boyfriend and that others are so insensitive to your pain.

I am fairly new on the journey called grief. My husband died 5/1/15 and this past week has been intense for me. I have just felt the 'aloneness' more intensely. I too am alone in a city far away from family. However they do call me and we talk on the phone. And I am in contact with the chaplain from the hospice that cared from my husband.

I have been coping several ways: first and foremost was here when in the early days when I was so terribly fragile I just poured out my heart and my tears and the folks here, like they did with you were there to offer comfort and encouragement.

However I needed to DO something. I decided to learn to meditate (I've practiced daily now for almost a week) and I think that it's the right thing for me. I spent time in the going through posts, and links just reading and taking in what was being said.

As a result I found some authors I wanted to read. Some books I have enjoyed have been Eben Alexander's Proof of Heaven, a small book on grief by Virtue and Van Praagh "How to Heal a Grieving Heart", Hay and Kessler's book "You Can Heal Your Heart". I've gone back through Kubler-Ross's book on the stages of grief and a book "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One" by P Blair PhD.

This is a great site with great people and we are all walking the same path of loss. So are just further along on their walk than we are I didn't want to put a happy face because no one is happy that we're here ...

[kayc]

Good for you, Suzanne! It's not unlike my prayer journey that I started years ago. In the beginning it felt a bit awkward but with time I came to treasure that time and as soon as I took my spot in my easy chair and was ready, it became easier to come into that place. Meditation doesn't seem that different to me.

[Suitearia]

I've working on meditating now for a week tomorrow (just once a day). I don't know why I haven't done this before ...

[scba]

In April (6 months after him passing away) I decided to go back to study. I felt I couldn't work and I needed to focus my mind in something else. From September to April I spent my days su on internet, watching tv, and sleeping. I remember nothing from this period.

since last week I have been unwilling to do nothing again. I should study for an exam, do some assignments, but I feel so empty that I started to feel broken again. I thought that my life is fake, that my study is to fill in the days and not something I really care. I think of my old life and I can't believe it's over. I don't recognize myself, I used to be a good and committed student even If I struggled with stress. Why I don't care anymore, if I used to care before? Does it mean I've been restarted as a PC and what I did is no longer feasible?

I feel so lost. Last night I wished I could close my eyes and wake up when I'll be 99. I can't stand the pain, his absence. I feel I've been cheated by love.

thank you for reading me.

[kayc]

Everything you are feeling is normal under the circumstances, I think we've all felt that and struggle to get past these feelings. It's like we have to keep putting ourselves out there, keep trying to find meaning, struggle with feeling unmotivated or keeping focus. Every day is a new determination, action type word. I do what I need to do, I keep trying to fit in to this life that is mine, every now and then attempt the things that used to bring me pleasure. I hope someday the feelings will follow, that is, pleasure in life...I do see it for fleeting moments, but gosh, it's been ten years for me! We can't worry about how much progress we have or haven't made though or compare ourselves to others, we all have our own unique journey and will progress through it at different rates. Some ARE harder hit than others, some are better at coping, some are more positive by nature, it is what it is.

You haven't been on this journey all that long, I don't think you can expect to feel other than you do. I do hope it gets better for you. Your life isn't fake, you're just trying to figure out who you are now and what your life holds for you, it's quite a process, isn't it!