New Here

[Saintb]

I just joined and wanted to introduce myself. I am Betsy, 49, from Houston, TX. I lost my hubby of over 20 years on May 24, 2015. He was not only my hubby, but my bestfriend, we were a great team, he was my world. He had a medical procedure go wrong back in July 2010. Spent 2 1/2 years in the hospital, lost a leg, kidney failure, etc. But he had overcome it all, despite the odds. Then he had been home for 2 1/2 years, we were together 24/7, he always had a never quit, positive attitude, he was an inspiration. I had accepted the best you can, our new normal, and the thought of losing him was long gone. Then it all happened so fast, went into hospital on May 10, 2015 and was removed from life support on May 24, 2015. He was concious and we had a good bye. As we all know, my world shattered. I dont have any family here and really no friends. Joined a grief support group that meets twice a month and go to a therapist as I can afford to. Except for a neighbor friend I have been alone since the day after he died. And thankful for my furry children, 2 Saint Bernards and 4 cats, they are great therapy. But the grief can be all consuming and the lonliness awful. He didn't want a service, rather a celebration of life, I have not done yet and the way friends have run from the situation may just do a lunch with his family when they can come. At 9 weeks in the emotions have been all over the place. I have already started going through all his things, donated some of his medical equipment and I know, for me, this will help in the process. I know for sure as we talked, he wanted me to keep on, to find happiness again, and to take care of our beloved fur kids. Haven't worked outside the home in 13 years, except for dog training which I did just as I could, but will have to look into a job sooner rather than later. And just so much to do and he was the calm one, now to handle so much on my own and learn calm...if I can! Hole in my heart is so big, I know he is still with me and will always be in my heart. Thanks for reading, looking forward to getting to know everyone and to have a safe place with understanding ears.

[enna]

Hello Betsy,

My name is Anne. Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your husband. It sounds like you have been dealing with many serious health issues of your husband brought on by a careless medical procedure many years ago.

Of course your world has shattered.

I am sorry you do not have immediate family there, but very glad that you have found some support with both a support group and a therapist. I hope both give you comfort and understanding in your grief.

You will only find loving care here on our forum.

It makes me happy to know you have loving furbabies with you to give you comfort. We are devoted animals lovers here and know first hand how much comfort they can give us. Do you have pictures to share?

I understand the loneliness. I lost my beloved Jim thirty-eight months ago after forty years of marriage. Take your time and do only what feels right to you. This is your journey and know that when you come here you have many who understand and always listen with open hearts.

[kayc]

Hi Betsy, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're getting counseling and attending a grief support group. When the time comes, you might look into going back to school, my son said you can actually support yourself by going to school with scholarships, grants, etc, and there should be help for someone 50 going back to school. You might want to try some vet offices as well. I wish you well in your job search.

It is all encompassing, losing a spouse, esp. those of us here that were best friends with our spouse, they were our world. You have good company here, it's a safe place to voice yourself and a lot of people who understand.

I have a dog and two cats and they are my family, a lot of people here have animals.

I hope you'll continue to come here...again, I'm just so sorry for all that both of you went through.

Kay

[kevin]

You captured my feelings to the "T"......It was only a few days ago my dear wife suddenly passed away while at a Movie theater. We have been together for over 31 years and our Wedding Anniversary is in a few days. I have been my wife's care giver for the last 4 years as she developed dementia after several " mini" strokes. This was my new job and we were coping very well. Everyone in the small town we adopted were used to seeing the two of us together everywhere........To have someone with me 24/7 to now be gone has left me with the saddest, emptiest hole in my stomach' I don't think I can possibly recover......By reading this letter I know I am not alone and my feelings are normal........I will take one day at a time and not do anything for six months.....hopefully by then I will return to calm...thanks

[kayc]

Kevin,

Welcome to this site. I hope you will start your own thread so no one misses your story and can respond to you. Sometimes it helps to have a place of your own to update...when I first started on this site ten years ago, it wasn't being done that way, but I can see the advantage in it as it's evolved over the years.

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. To lose your best friend and soul mate is the hardest thing in the world to get used to.

I've heard it said that at six months it's one of the hardest times because the shock wears off and reality sets in, plus people seem to back away from "being there" for you. I hope you will continue to come here and post as you feel the need, and do some reading on this site. It helps to learn that what you're experiencing is normal because a person can sometimes think they're going crazy when it's really just grief.

My mom died from dementia 11 months ago, it's a place all it's own. I'm glad you had so long together.

It helps to try and prepare for those special days by having some kind of plan in place that is comfortable for YOU. Not everyone handles it the same. Some choose to ignore the day, others to remember it. Some prefer to be alone, others want people around. Maybe you could write your wife a letter on that day telling her what she means to you...not that she doesn't already know, but that it helps us to express it.

I hope you're remembering to eat and drink plenty of water and take a walk, it gives us the best possible chance to think clearly and puts us in our best frame of mind for coping. Remember to breathe...sometimes even the simplest thing can be a challenge.

[Andrè]

Hi Betsy,

I'm also new here and made a first post, this my second..

My condolences with your lost - I lost my wife of 44 years, 18 months ago and I'm still realing.

I get a very good feeling about our fellow members here - one can see that they truly understand and have good, solid advice.

So - I'm pretty sure we will find ourselves amongst friends here and that we can talk as much and as many times we wish to.

May you find strength and solace via the precious memories you have - I'm sure you can share them here, anytime.

Regards from South Africa

Andrè

[kayc]

Andre,

My condolences with YOU as well...

[Saintb]

Thank you everyone! Thank you for sharing with me and for the welcome to a safe place. Kevin it is hard, being together 24/7 with our love and then, alone, thinking of you. Being a caretaker to our love becomes so much of who we are. There is a hole in our heart. Very sorry for each of us here we have to go through this. But glad to have found here. I showed our dogs in a dog show here a couple weeks ago, it was our favorite show and I knew he would have wanted me to do it, but it was much more emotional than I even imagined. I still got ribbons, but my heart was not in it. I did have moments of fun with all the attention my boys get and I have no doubt he wanted me to keep on, but somedays I wonder how I can, but giving up is not an option so finding my way is what I must do! But difficult journey for sure.

[kayc]

Saintb,

I hope you find enjoyment in showing your dogs in the future. It's common to not enjoy things we used to love, esp. in the earlier years, but I hope it returns to you.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Betsy,

I did the same thing a few months after Mark passed. He and I used to do craft shows together, and they held one here where I work. I had made the commitment to it before Mark passed, so I kept it. I went about setting up and bringing all my pictures to display, but my heart was not in it. Two or three days later, I had a HUGE breakdown because I tried so much to go back and be the person I was before, and I found out by doing that show that it wasn't possible. I haven't really been able to get back to creating, although I am taking baby steps back into that realm. I miss his presence in my studio; his encouraging comments and the pride in his eyes when he watched me work. I felt the same thing when I would go out to the garage and he was turning something on the lathe. Finding this "new normal" takes so much work and energy. Make sure you take time for yourself and rest when you can. I am sure that your boys were doing their best for "dad". Every day my furbabies do what they can to brighten my life. Last night, I took some of Mark's cologne and put it on the Hawaiian shirt that lays next to the bed. Pongo must have recognized that smell, because he started jumping around and looking. He then settled in and laid next to me. They know everything. I know it sounds trite, but one day at a time is really the only way. I have to remind myself that frequently. I want to just rush on through and hurry up this grief, but am learning that won't work.

[Suitearia]

Hello Saint ... I do know how you feel. Ric and I were together 24/7 and we moved to Florida because he was born in the south (Mobile) and wanted to go south and secondly he didn't want to die in Indiana. I don't have any friends here ... the few that came to see Ric have moved on. So I'm very isolated. My lease ends in Dec and I've decided not to renew it. It isn't good for me to be in such isolation ... that is clear to me now. I will put our house on the market in Sept when I go back to Indiana to visit family. We had already planned to do that ...

I am so sorry for your loss Saint, and for your's too Andre, and for you too Kevin. What a roller coaster ride this is ... a ride that never seems to end.