MartyT Posted September 16, 2015 Report Share Posted September 16, 2015 We know that, Butch, and we understand. ♥ As you focus on your own journey, I hope you will take an hour to watch the YouTube segment I posted in another thread earlier today. I think it might bring you a bit of the comfort you need and so deserve: See Trip to the Afterlife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 16, 2015 Report Share Posted September 16, 2015 Butch,There will be time enough for that on down the road, right now you have your hands full just surviving. It's hard to give support to others when you are thick in the throes of it and it's still all so fresh. Take time to be selfish, new grief demands it. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 Marty thank you for the link to the video. I am going to watch the rest of it now before I try to sleep. I would like that book. I will look into getting it. I do better with audiobooks but not sure if I can get it for my iPad/iPhone. I tried to search for it on my kindle but couldn't find it. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 17, 2015 Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 The book is available on Kindle here, Butch: No One Has To Die Alone ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted September 17, 2015 Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 I am also thankful for those statements about the difference between self-care and selfishness. Butch, you and I kind of look at things the same way. There are many times when it is difficult to be helpful and giving to all the others on the forum who are also in great pain. I haven't been able to post as much as I would like, because I am not always sure I have the words to help. I just passed 9 months on this journey, and although I would like to think I am doing great, I know better. My ability to focus on things is still not like it was before. I'm not a woe is me person; but I have always had a hard time giving myself permission to NOT be the shining star I used to be. Butch, each step we take is into unchartered territory. Sometimes it is all about finding a soft place to fall. I know I haven't been doing all I should; I know I do not give myself enough quiet time. Maybe I should take your lead and take myself to the beach and just walk and be with the waves. Maybe when the weather cools some more. Do what is best for you, Butch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 17, 2015 Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 "Selfishness" has negative connotations in our society,but it's not always a negative thing. Sometimes it's a needed thing. It's okay to be selfish under some circumstances, and one of those is grief. Another is when you're a baby. It's part of what is needed for survival at the time. I think of "self care" as what we do to take care of ourselves, like taking walks, eating healthy, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, even meditation.Selfishness is putting yourself first, maybe that is part of our self care right now too. We're taught from children not to be selfish, to put others first, etc. But when we're grieving, our world becomes all about us again, as it did when we were a baby. And that's how it has to be right then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 Thanks everyone i am am headed home on Monday. I do miss my son DIL and grandsons and I must go back and face reality again. My son informed me today that the dr gave them the go ahead to start trying to conceive again. I don't know that they will. It's still so very very fresh... The loss of their baby girls. So I don't honestly think or even would want a new grand baby now. But obviously that their choice. Not that I wouldn't want one, but it's scary after losing Lila and Lily. And we've all got so much grief including for Mary. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 17, 2015 Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 Just to clarify: To me, selfishness is being devoted to or caring only for oneself, regardless of the needs of others (which obviously is the last way we would describe Butch, as we have come to know him.) Self care includes any intentional actions one takes to care for one's own physical, mental and emotional health. Good self care is a challenge for many people who are in mourning, as it is for Butch right now, but as we all know, it is also an important part of the healing process. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 17, 2015 Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 I understand, dear Butch, how difficult it will be for you to return to your family, all of whom are hurting and in need of their dad and their grandfather ~ at a time when, as you say, you can barely function. You say it feels sometimes like you can barely breathe, which is not unusual given what you are going through ~ but the breath is something we all can pay attention to, and one thing we can do something about, in a positive and helpful way. I hope you will consider doing some very simple breathing exercises, which can do wonders for your poor battered body, mind and soul. See, for example, Breathing: Three Exercises (presented by Andrew Weil, M.D., a world-renowned leader and pioneer in the field of integrative medicine; expert in "a healing oriented approach to health care which encompasses body, mind, and spirit"). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 17, 2015 Report Share Posted September 17, 2015 When I was early on in my grief I felt bad because so many members were so kind and encouraging to me and all I seemed to be doing was soaking it all up and not being able to give anything back. A forum member reminded me that I would have time to offer help to others but that right now I needed to be cared for and encouraged by those who were further along in their grief.There is a huge difference between selfishness and self-care. I think Marty said it best. If we do not engage in self-care we won’t be able to be of help to anyone. Telling our stories and sharing our pain is all part of what we do in grief. Offering bits of encouragement comes later. Conscious breathing is an excellent way to calm oneself. By becoming aware of our breath, we can improve our energy, our mental clarity, and our physical health. There is a website that has been passed around here on the forum for a number of years now and I keep it on my desktop so I can click on it whenever. It is called CALM and might be worth a look at for those of you in early grief. You can set your own time, the scenery you want and if you want silence or a guided talk.Let what we can do BE ENOUGH. Some days will be better than others. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 18, 2015 Report Share Posted September 18, 2015 I apologize for my use of the word "selfish", which can carry negative connotations in our society...that was not the usage implied here. I stated it because a book I read shortly after George died said we are often selfish with our grieving, much as a newborn baby can only think of their needs, so we are wrapped up in ours out of necessity. It made sense to me and I didn't take it in a negative way at all, but I related to it because at that time all I could see was how MY world was affected and how I felt, and everything seemed about ME at the time. There IS nothing wrong with that, it is to be expected, we do not have it in us to tend to others while newly in our grief, we have all we can do to take care of ourselves and our own needs and may need help even with that. Perhaps self-care is a better word, but I didn't use that because of the analogy with a newborn baby, they cannot provide self-care, needing everyone to do for them, but they do have a good way of getting them to do so, thus taking care of their needs!I apologize if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to imply that anyone here is selfish, quite the contrary, I agree wholeheartedly that we MUST attend to ourselves before we can do for others! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 18, 2015 Report Share Posted September 18, 2015 No offense taken, dear Kay. I just felt a need to clarify my own meaning of those words.(We need to take a break from all of this apologizing that's been going on around here. I think we know one another well enough to know that we all mean well, and we wish only the very best toward each other.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 18, 2015 I just have to say I love you all to pieces. Plain and simple. For the way everyone looks out for each other. I know my Mary adored you all. I do now. Goodnight. I have three more sunrises and sunsets here at the beach. If I don't post until I return home, know you're all in my prayers. Butch. ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 18, 2015 Report Share Posted September 18, 2015 This was what my father always said to me each night as he tucked me in and kissed me goodnight.Tonight I say it to you, dear Butch.Sleep well, and pleasant dreams ~ and know that we love you to pieces, too ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 19, 2015 Report Share Posted September 19, 2015 Enjoy the rest of you stay there, dear Butch. I love the beach and find it very renewing and that's my hope for you with this stay there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2015 I am home. Came home to sick boys my son and the grandsons. No more peacefulness. I've got to make some dr appointments this week as I am just still so depressed. And I can't pinpoint why. Other than the obvious reasons. Or maybe I need to be back home here and caring for my family. Don't really know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 19, 2015 Report Share Posted September 19, 2015 I'm sure they're glad you're back, and I hope you don't catch it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 20, 2015 Report Share Posted September 20, 2015 Hopefully the doctor Butch will be helpful. I don't think you even need to analyse why you are depressed you have been through so so much. Your family need you more than you will maybe even ever know. I am sending light and love your way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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