R.Everit55 Posted September 8, 2015 Report Share Posted September 8, 2015 I'm in FLORIDA for a while. Maybe running away. I'm fighting a losing battle with grief upon grief, unfairness, depression anxiety. Etc... I just want to sit on the beach when the sun dawns and sets. That was our Happy Place. Tomorrow will be nine months since she left me. And also one month since Lila passed at six days old. My heart is broken. Lily lasted longer seventeen days. But there's pure injustice and I need to fix it for my boy and my DIL yet I simply cannot in the state of mind and heart I'm in. Tomorrow is nine months for my bride and Thursday is two years for the best SIL ever, Shannon. So the beach is needed. Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 8, 2015 Report Share Posted September 8, 2015 I hope you find some peace and healing there, dear Butch. That is certainly what we are hoping and praying for on your behalf. You so deserve some respite from all the pain and loss you have endured these last few years.I hope you know that you simply cannot "fix it" for your son and DIL, any more than they can "fix it" for you. Take care of your own grief first, dear Butch, and know that we are thinking of you and holding you close . . . ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted September 8, 2015 Report Share Posted September 8, 2015 Butch,Sometimes running away is all we can do to save our sanity. After I buried my Debbie, I seriously considered renting a car and driving home from Ky. to Az. just to possibly recapture one of those road trips Ron & I frequently made. I knew in my heart that it was not physically possible while recovering from the pneumonia I had contracted, but I guess that would have been my temporary escape.Such severe losses we have experienced, you more than me. I hope you find solace on your beach.Take care,Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 8, 2015 Report Share Posted September 8, 2015 Your son and DIL have each other to rely on so I hope you will attend to you...while you are "getting away", I hope you talk to Mary and just feel the breath of the ocean as you sit on the beach and spend time renewing. You may not come away with any answers, but I hope you find some replenishing. Peace to you, my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 9, 2015 Report Share Posted September 9, 2015 I am so happy that you are taking some time for yourself, Butch. It is your time. Know that many of us have you in our thoughts and prayers. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2015 Thank you alltoday is nine months since Mary joined others in Heaven. Tomorrow is two years since Shannon passed. I'm glad Mary is with her above with her two brothers. As I sit here at the beach my heart is heavier than usual (I didn't think that was possible). I'm praying for all of us on this grief journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 9, 2015 Report Share Posted September 9, 2015 It seems so hard for me to believe it's been that long...I remember our journey with Shannon about Leo, and Mary about Shannon, and now you're on a journey with the loss of Leo, Shannon, Mary, Lila, and Lily. In the beginning we don't see how we can make it through the day...now it's been nine months for you, and it still doesn't seem possible it's been that long, and yet to you it must seem an eternity. My prayers are with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2015 Shannon was an amazing SIL. I honor her today. Two years hard to believe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 10, 2015 Report Share Posted September 10, 2015 Just in the bit I got to know her, she was indeed amazing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted September 11, 2015 Report Share Posted September 11, 2015 Dear Butch,As you sit on the beach, letting your heart open and continue to heal in its own time, please know that every wave that washes the beach carries with it our love and healing energy for you. Know that I carry you and your family in my heart, and that I hold you in my prayers every morning and night. You are precious to us, Butch, and we are holding you close as you find your way on this painful and difficult healing journey of loss and grief. We are with you.Peace and Love to your heart, dear friend.*<twinkles>*fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 11, 2015 Report Share Posted September 11, 2015 Fae that was so beautiful. Dear Butch I so hope you have found some healing in nature. Your heart and soul have been battered too much, it is time for some peace for you and those you love. The suffering you and your family has gone through IS injustice. I wish you only comfort and joy from this moment on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2015 I'm staying a bit longer here in FL. I am trying to fight the depression and I don't want to have my son and family see how deep my grief and that depression really is. I am not sure how to snap out of this. The girls passing is really eating at me badly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2015 I wasn't done... It postedThe loss of the girls is really making my heart yearn for Mary and all that has been taken. I simply can't get passed any of it. Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 13, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2015 Fae, thank you. Debi thank youKay thank youAnne thank youKaren thank youMarty thank youI am quite humbled by everyone's love. I hope you all know my constant prayers for you. As I pray several times a day and as I sit and watch the sun rise and set at the beach here... You all sit with me in my heart. ❤️Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 14, 2015 Report Share Posted September 14, 2015 Butch, my dear, I saw this picture online and it made me think of you . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 14, 2015 Report Share Posted September 14, 2015 Your grief is compounded by so many deaths and so much to deal with. I hope you can take as long as you need. And I hope this time refreshes you somehow. My prayers continue for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 14, 2015 Report Share Posted September 14, 2015 The picture Marty posted is so perfect, Butch. You know you are dear to us and that we carry you in our hearts for we have been on this journey with you now through many of your losses. I have no doubt that you will reach into that beautiful soul of yours and find the strength to get back to your family when the time is right. Right now, you need this alone time to sit with your pain. It will be almost unbearable, but you will find the strength to do what you have to do. Remember, you carry your Mary in your heart and that is how it will always be. You know I speak the truth because you have walked with many of us on this grief journey. Our grief is ours, but we are not alone. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted September 14, 2015 Report Share Posted September 14, 2015 It is a wonderful image Marty. Butch my sweet man, the grief you are having to deal with is unfathomable. That you don't have Mary's hand to hold is absolutely heartbreaking. Despite a rich language there are simply no words for this bottomless sorrow I only wish there were. You are doing what you can to help yourself - for the sake of your son and family who so desperately need you - and your courage and bravery shine through.I would do anything to make your pain lessen and for all those on this forum too. Sometimes, if not many times, only God can comfort us and ease our aching hearts. I thank you Butch for your prayers with every fibre of my being. I am blocked at the moment in my grief from praying. But I want you to know I am going to pray for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2015 My heart thanks you all ❤️Im stuck. When Mary passed eight months and five days ago tonight, it brought up certainly the baby girls we had still born. We never really dealt with that. That pain was just always there... And when my son lost their girls last month... I feel so selfish and inadequate because I knew Mary was pained at our loss. And I know our boy his wife and their boys are pained at the loss of their Lila and Lily. And here I sit hiding away miles away states away... I feel like a coward. What I really want is to never go back and I just don't feel like I'm living... I feel like I'm existing running on fumes or nothing at all. I promised my bride January 9 as she slipped away that I would be strong that I would take care or our boy and our sweet grandsons and that I would not give up or let her down. Grief is rather all encompassing and just continues to try to suck you u dear like quicksand. And I personally, like most here, just are helpless to stop it. ?rambling...... So sorry...Butch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyCarrie Posted September 15, 2015 Report Share Posted September 15, 2015 Dear Butch,I cannot add to what has been said, so I will add my voice with the others. I pray for you and for your family each morning. Like Kay said, they have each other. Try your best to take care of you for this time. You are special to all of us.Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 15, 2015 Report Share Posted September 15, 2015 Whether you go back or whether you stay and hide out, the grief is the same. Do you receive any replenishment by being with your son & DIL & the boys? If so, that's where you belong, if not, then take your time. You have many who care for you. We cannot comprehend the wide array of grief you're struggling to deal with because we have our hearts full with the bit of grief we have. You have lost so many. The only consolation I know is that we'll be together again. And your dear Mary has her hands and heart full caring for the babies now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2015 I'm sorry for my selfishness Kay and everyone here. Thoughts and prayers are all I have to offer anyone now. Again I'm sorry. Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 16, 2015 Report Share Posted September 16, 2015 Butch, I rarely express what I want one of our members to do in these forums, but I really do want you to stop apologizing.There is a vast difference between selfishness and taking care of yourself.Taking yourself to the beach in Florida where you can be free to focus on your own pain while you lick your wounds is good self-care.Tending to your own broken heart is good self-care.Paying attention to your own grief (before even thinking of tending to anyone else's grief) is good self-care.You have been here for all of us. Now it is time for all of us to be here for you.Rest.Nurture yourself.Take good care of you.Own what a dear and caring man you are.And please stop apologizing to us. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 16, 2015 Report Share Posted September 16, 2015 I was right in front of Marty, but she got to you first. There is no need to apologize as we crawl through our grief, Butch.You have gone through so very much.You know how much we care for you and it hurts to think that you feel the need to apologize for anything.We care for you and we are so glad that you are taking care of yourself first. When you care for yourself you will be able to care for your family who needs your love.You are not a selfish person. You are not. Sending hugs.Anne, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2015 Thank you Marty and Anne. I was apologizing because it's difficult for me to support others here... Old or new comers. That's what I meant. I promise to focus more on my own journey and help when I can. Butch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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