Three days gone

[Margm]

It has only been three days.  I have taken care of the cremation.  I am haunted by his  hands outstretched to me in the hospital bed showing he had to give up.  I am not angry at him, I am angry at me.  I could have held him while he passed.  I didn't, and I cannot forgive myself.  He helped me through cancer.  He was the rudder to my ship when my colon ruptured.  I could not have made it without him and yet I feel I let him down those couple of hours he passed away.  It was a terrible night in the ER, 4-5  hours wait with me going up to the desk over and over saying he needed a bed.  I kept him covered up and held him then.  We got to the hospital room at 4:00 or 5:00 a.m.  I kept fussing because he would not keep his arm straight with the needle in it and I had to keep resetting the buzzer on the drip machine.  Will I ever be able to forgive myself?  I was a good caretaker and never minded one second of helping him.  He went down in six weeks and thankfully there was not much pain.  If there was, I gave him a pain pill, but he did not require much.  It was already Stage IV liver/colon ? cancer when it was found in September.  He was riding the elliptical 30 minutes at a time in August.  They did the liver biopsy at a teaching hospital in Little Rock and it was all downhill after that.  He slept mostly 24/7 without any sleeping pills or anything.  He said "don't you think I see the worry in your eyes?"  But I kept telling him I could not live without him.  He just went so fast.  We had been married 54 years and I never minded caring for him at all.  He took care of me, that is what I was here for.  He minded though.  Even his walking was taken away and he hated me putting him in a wheelchair.  He only had two chemo sessions.  

[kayc]

My dear, I am so sorry for your loss.  I think their "end" always haunts us.  It's not that we did anything wrong, but we keep going over and over it in our minds, replaying it, all the what ifs, what if I'd done this different, what if that was different.  Truth be known, we did the best we knew at the time.  If situations were reversed, would we be so hard on them?  No!  We'd understand, the same as we always understood each other, the same way we were always there for each other, through thick and thin.  We were always the rudder to each other's sail.

It's kind of hard to get in bed with someone when it's not even twin sized, and hold them when they have drips and tubes coming in/out of them!  Plus we're afraid of disturbing one of those tubes, or hurting them.  Please try to be easier on yourself.  My gosh, only three days, it's amazing you can think, let alone write!

I want to welcome you to this site.  Please know we will be here for you in the days ahead, if you want us to.  Feel free to come back any time and post, vent your feelings, etc.  This is a safe place where you will be listened to and cared about.

And in the days ahead, when your mind is more able to clear, I hope you will peruse this site, look at the links Marty has posted for us, read what others have written...and know you are not alone.

[enna]

Hello Margaret,

My heart just hurts for you. I am so very sorry for your loss. We come here to share our stories and not feel so alone. 

Sending you hugs at this painful time in your life.

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Margaret I am so very very sorry. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. You loved him for over a half century as I did my beloved Pete. And I wasn't even with him when he died. But I believe he doesn't hold it against me.

Jan

[Margm]

I have so many friends who have lost their mates, so I have a wonderful support service.  I just wish I could have held him and just told him to let go instead of trying so hard to fight.  He told me "don't you think I see the worry in your eyes" and his insinuation was that he needed to go.  He put his beautiful hands up to me palm up when I brought the urinal to him.  He did not want the urinal, he was telling me he could not fight anymore.  I miss him so much.  I know I did not love him any more than my friends loved their husbands, but I wish I could sew up this raw wound.  Thank you all for your kind words.  

[Guest]

Dear Margaret 

I am so sorry for your loss and how fresh and raw it is.  I'm glad you have a group of supportive people who can understand.  You loved deeply and were loved equally as deeply, that is a blessing but I'm also finding it to be a curse.  I'm convinced that pain is proportionate to the depths of emotion.  I loved my Deedo for thirty-seven years and miss her so.

[Margm]

I agree, it is almost like a curse.  I am so selfish, I wanted to go first.  My wanting to be "alone" the first day has grown into fear of being alone on the 3rd day.  I have a wonderful support group.......except for the person I used to tell everything to.  I have no answers.

[Guest]

Margaret - I am so impressed that you've found this site.  I was so numb and in "get it done" mode at three days; returning medical equipment, notifying agencies, trying to identify who best to call, delegating people to make arrangements, but numb.  Of course I wasn't alone for the first ten days, and then day eleven came and the grief swept over me like a tsunami.  You can still tell everything to him; I have frequent talks with Deedo.  Of course most of what I say is "I love you so much!" and "I miss you so much!" but in between I let her know about the kids and the grandkids.  I don't talk about how I'm doing.

[Scottsgirl]

Dear Margaret,

my heart truly bleeds for you. I lost the love of my life on September 17, 2015 to small cell lung cancer. He lasted 3 1/2 months from diagnosis, which was 2 months longer than the oncologists ever thought he would make it. I too cared for my husband through all of it. Never complained and if I had to do it over again I would do it in a second. 

Your loss is so new, heck, my loss is still new and it's been 30 days longer than yours. I'm amazed you can even write here. The people here whom I have encountered are simply amazing, they have walked the path we walk, although some a little longer than us. Please take solace in the fact that your husband truly loved you and you truly loved him, it showed in how you took care of eachother when one was so ill. It takes a special kind of love to be the caregiver for a terminally ill spouse. That is something I have realized, with help from the grief councelling I get from our cancer centre. If I may suggest, if you have that service available to you through the cancer centre where your husband was treated, avail yourself of it. You may not want it just yet, but please don't discount it. Being a caregiver to a cancer patient comes with its own issues and stresses, I learned that when I went for my first session 6 days after Scott passed. It was by far the best decision I have made in the past 33 days. 

Again, I am so sorry for your loss, words just aren't enough. I have been where you are and ask the same questions you are asking. I don't have any answers but this one thing comes to mind. My husband always said he would love me for the rest of his life, I'm sure your husband told you the same thing. Well, they did as they said, they did love us for the rest of their lives. 

[iPraiseHim]

Dear Margaret,

Praying you will just let it go for now.  You will have time to process it.  I struggled so hard with second guessing myself if I did everything right and in order before I left for work the day my wife died. I was haunted by the equipment failure, my not being with her when she died,  what could I have done better...  It takes awhile for us to process this trauma/grief.  Be kind to yourself and lay those thoughts down for a little while so you can rest and catch your balance.  You can read several post here and you will find we each struggle with things we said or didn't say, do or didn't do, etc... Its all part of this grief journey. Praying you will find comfort, peace, and solace in this group.  Shalom

[Margm]

Thank you all so much.  I have so much business to take care of, but taking care of him was my first thought and act.  When I get in the truck driving anywhere I talk to him, tell him how sorry I am for not holding him, and I can hear him say "Marg, you are always blaming yourself for everything."  I took an Ambien to sleep last night.  I saw him sitting on the end of the bed.  He did not say anything.  The Ambien did not help me sleep but till 2:30 a.m.  It was my first one ever.  The doc told me how to take it, go to bed and stay in bed, so I was safe with it.  I read somewhere that the 2nd year is worse.  My grandmother wrote a "book" for her grandchildren.  When my grandfather passed, she said she had lost her best friend.  I was 12-years-old and I can remember her saying that to her brother the day he passed.  In her "book" she said the hurting was supposed to get easier but it didn't.  She outlived him about 20 years.  He was 27 and she was 15 when they married.  I understand her now.  

[kayc]

Try not to think about what's to come.  Try to stay in today, there is enough to process for that.  The hurting lessens eventually, but the missing never goes away.  It's okay to feel the pain, it's part of the processing.  I hope sleep comes better for you.  I had a very hard time sleeping in the beginning but I refused sleep medication thinking this was something permanent.  What I didn't realize is that grief evolves.  I wish now I'd accepted my doctor's help with it.

[feralfae]

Dear Margaret,

My heart aches for your pain.  I am so sorry you have lost your beautiful husband of so many years.  He is still with you, and I know you can feel his love around you.  No matter how you feel today about those last days, it is the love that really matters, and I can tell you two had an abundance of love.

My husband Doug was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, which had already metastasized when it was discovered.  The struggle was long and challenging, and in the end, he left.  But the love is still here.  

Right now, please focus as much as you can on taking care of your body and spirit.  I am glad you have emotionally supportive people around you.  Please remember to stay hydrated, eat well, and go for walks or swims or some other form of activity tholepin your body move the emotions and stress.  Focus on how to take care of yourself, how to be loving and compassionate with yourself, and give yourself all the love you can.  

Keep coming here, reading and sharing, while you make this grief journey.  I am so glad you have found this place, but so very sorry for the reason you are here.  Ask for hugs, spend time with loving people. When you are ready, you may want to join a local grief support group and see a grief counselor.  Hold yourself close in your heart, as we are holding you.

Blessings and Peace to your Heart,

feralfae

[Margm]

I am well prepared for "not eating."  I had our RV refrigerator stocked with all the good stuff, every flavor of the Boost Plus, the most richly endowed Ensure's.  I could not get him to take any of them.  I think the chemo took his taste away from him.  In the end, he was throwing up his own body because we could not get anything down him.  He refused/could not eat or drink.  So, I have all these drinks that I can tolerate, but right now I cannot tolerate eating.  Who knew that when I bought all these nourishing drinks, I was actually buying them for myself.  

[Queeniemary]

Margaret, my dear,  my heart goes out to you.  You are in the beginning of this journey that none of us wants to make.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved.  You were there for him, do not beat yourself up because you think there is something more you could have done.  We all second guess ourselves.  I have been coming to this site a long time, 6 years next April, and you will find caring compassionate people here.  You can rant, rage, say anything you want, we all do.  No judgement here at all.  Will be thinking of you and praying for you in the coming weeks and months...

Try to eat, and get rest, I know it is not easy, but it is important for you to take care of yourself.

I see from your post, he was a hospital in Little Rock.  I live in northern part of the state.

QMary

[Margm]

He was in a Hot  Springs Hospital, St. Vincent, when he passed.  We live in (I am going to go ahead and leave the "we" because I still think of him here) in Mount Ida, AR.  I think we just went over 1000 population.  Our home state was Louisiana though, my relatives are there and I think I will eventually go back.  I have friends there that have gone through this.  My neighbor did also though, and I will miss her very much.  Billy and I were never "homesteaders."  We preferred to RV travel and we only settled down to help raise our now 16-year-old granddaughter.  

I don't think I have cried today.  I have come close.  I went in to see my friends at St. Vincent (used to be St. Joseph's) and I had retired from there.  Also retired from LSU in Shreveport, so will be gong back to around the Minden area.  No snap decisions.  Gonna take it easy.  Our lawyer told me to wait a year before I made major decisions but I think and hope by spring I will know what to do.

This was not supposed to be him.  I was supposed to go first.  I used to read him romantic tragedies about husbands and wives who died within hours of each other.  He finally told me that he would not want to live if I went first, but he would try to carry on the best he could.  Maybe he was telling me something.  But, I was the one that was sick, he was only ill about seven weeks.  I know I should take comfort in that, but right now I feel no comfort.  I just miss him and screaming into pillows only gives you a headache.  Thank God for my support system of girls I graduated high school with and my neighbor and middle aged kids.  Thanks for responding.

 

 

[Margm]

It will be a week tomorrow morning.  I sleep two hour intervals.  He is not here to hold me.  I did not hold him when he needed me most.

[kayc]

I hope you are taking great care of yourself and have someone supportive there with you.

[Margm]

I have not been.  Could not eat so I have subsisted on Billy's Boost and Ensure that he could not drink.  I ate "solid" food though today and I feel better.  Washed a McDonald's small HB down with coke Thursday.  I honestly do not know what each day will bring.  But you all know that.  If I am going to do what we had planned though I have got to get rid of the fear, panic attacks, and wishes to not be here.  I am going to try and hope it gets better.  Or easier.  Or anything livable.

[kayc]

You're wise to ingest Ensure and Boost, at least it's sustenance.

[Scottsgirl]

I agree that the boost and ensure are wise alternatives. But, as difficult as it is, it is important to focus on yourself. Feed your body and soul things to nourish both. I couldn't eat for about the first 25 days, lived on tea and ensure, but at that point I started to focus on very nutritionally dense foods. I think feeding my body well is helping me through the exhausting and sometimes desperate times I go through. Please focus on yourself Margaret, pamper yourself. Think of it as giving your husband some piece of mind knowing that you can love yourself as much as you love him. 

[kayc]

True.  But I remember in the beginning...I didn't think to eat or drink.  If it hadn't been for my daughter following me around putting food or drink in front of me and making sure I took care of myself, getting me to walk with her, making sure I took my medicine, I don't know how I would have fared!

[Margm]

Now my sister messages me on Facebook.  Remember to take your Mira-lax and your blood pressure medicine. Billy used to put our medicines in separate cups.  He would fix the coffee at night, I would pour it for him in the morning.  Sometimes I forget to make coffee.  After he got ill, nothing tasted good.  Not even coffee.  When I first met him his family was a coffee on the stove all day, cigarette smoking family.  After he quit cigarettes over 30 years ago, coffee became a one cup a day thing.  Strange the little things you remember.

 

[debi.williams]

Margaret I found this page on the web that I thought could be useful. I am sure you know all this anyway but I found when I was suffering panic attacks that the reassurance I wasn't about to collapse really helped. Hugsx

http://www.anxietycoach.com/what-panic-attacks-can-do-to-you.html

[Margm]

Thanks Debi.  I read this and printed it out.  Like I said, 33 years ago I had them.  When I was waiting for the results of follow-up cancer tests, but I worked at a teaching hospital, I knew many psychiatrists, and knew I should go to one.  I actually left a full buggy of groceries in the checkout lane and walked out of the store at one of these attacks back then.  Fear can raise many disorders up.  I developed dissociation and my shrink said it was the mind protecting itself.  I welcomed those phenomenons though, after I found out what they were, but never the panic attacks.  Probably called all of these "nervous breakdowns" in my grandmother's time.  She suffered one after cancer surgery, stillborn child, trying to raise 6 small ones with my grandfather's three small sisters and brothers.  Even with all that big family, after her husband passed away, she was still alone.  

My neighbor Hettie is an accountant.  I am taking all the papers I have to fill out over there today.  I have a congenital tremor and when I get in this condition I just as well have palsy, cannot write, sometimes cannot type.  

 

Edited October 26, 2015 by Margaret Mims
remove a double sentence