debi.williams Posted October 21, 2015 Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 My friends. This is just a bad time for me. I am trying so hard but with no adult (over 18.It is just me and my 16 year old son) family to speak to I am finding this grief so hard. I want a sign from him. I wake up every day and then the punch comes. There is nobody that is my blood I can telephone. No consoling voices will ever be heard. Ever again in my life.I know it is 'Magical thinking' but what else can I hope for but soul and spirit? And his? I am inundated with bills. In Belgium - I have just found out - you 'rent' a piece of land for the dead. How shocking is that? A society that cannot honour it's dead has no respect for the living. So, a HUGE bill for a tiny space I rent for his body, and his 'place' for 15 years. . Which governmental 'GOD said this "tiny bit of grass is yours my child for 15 years" (renewable) They keep coming these bills over and over. I work 9-10 hours a day and I don't like leaving my son in the house alone,after school, but what can do? I have my moms house to sort out. It is leaking and empty and the day of my husband's funeral was the day we were supposed to be there finishing it for 3 weeks. We had the idea to rent it for much needed income. I have 3 cars to deal with - worth nothing- and I don't even have a license. You could't make this life up. I am aware that people, throughout history have gone through so much more. I am humbled by them because this loss has brought me to my knees. Mind, body and spirit. I am tired. HE was the one that always said in dire times 'We will find a way' HE was the one that held my hand and said 'I am here here are you are not alone' HE was the one proud of my strength. My small achievements. I want you to know my friends,I have been an adult most of my life. An only child so often the peacemaker and in later years the breadwinner for my family. No matter. These things are past. But now. being alone as I am. The darkness has set in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 21, 2015 Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Dear Debi, I am very sorry and we are here holding your hand through this very difficult time. Edited October 21, 2015 by scba Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted October 21, 2015 Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 Oh Debi,My heart goes out to you as you struggle to hold it together. I totally understand trying to cope with the financial difficulties on top of everything else. I am fortunate that my son lives nearby. His finances are not very good, but we try to support each other emotionally and financially. I have no one else for support except the grief group I attend each week and our friends here. My live in grandson's demeanor is indifference. My daughter's children and husband seem to have forgotten me.I know nothing about European countries, but in the US there are different agencies that you can apply to for help. Doesn't mean you will always get it, but at least they are available. Is there nothing like that in Belgium? Even perhaps a church organization. Here, we purchase the plot for our loved one and of course, the funeral arrangements are separate. Prices are determined by the type and location you live in. I buried Ron in a private cemetery for around $7,000. The plot had already been purchased 40 years ago. My daughter was buried in her church cemetery. Her arrangements were much less as she lived in a more depressed area of the country.I know about the darkness. It is like being in a hole, unable to climb out. I know it is hard to grasp now, but in time you will begin to see the light. I wish I was there to give you a hand up.Sending hugs to you, my friend.Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 21, 2015 Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 Oh Debi,My heart goes out to you, I wish I were there to help you sell the cars and clean out your mom's place and figure something out about the finances. I remember how I felt when George died, our income cut in half, the hospital/doctor/ambulance bills pouring in, the hospital calling wanting money I didn't have, no money to get his ashes out, I didn't know how I was going to eat, let alone pay off these bills. Here they tell you everything up front so there are no surprises after it's done. I hope, like Karen suggests, that there is some organization that can help you with the burial at least.I can tell you it won't be like this forever. It is that statement that has gotten me through the hardest times in my life, as I repeated it to myself every day. Write it down, put it on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator and say it out loud to yourself when you see it.Praying for you and wishing like Karen that I could give you a hug,Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Debi.....I cannot relate to the struggles you are going through, but I did read what advice some of the other good people have put forward. I sincerely believe you should clean up the cars and sell them........cancel the insurance and licenses(possible cash back), your Mom's house, any chance to use that as your primary residence? and don't worry about the plot, tell them once the estate is settled you will get back to them......(cars part of Estate)........but if your Mom's house is actually leaking, get a tarp or something in place, water can result in a variety of damage. I would also consider listing your Mom's house. Reducing your liabilities will bring you peace of mind.......take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Get what you want out of your mom's house and hold a walk through garage sale for the rest or call St. Vinnie's or other organization to pick up the rest...equals a tax donation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricky Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Dear Debi,I am so sorry, I can feel your pain when reading your post.It's so hard when you feel alone in your grief. The feeling of having to make all the decisions (no matter how big or small) by yourself and not having your partner to lean on or discuss how you feel is so painful. I wished that, while grieving, there were not so many other things to think of and handle. Isn't it already hard enough that we all lost a person we loved so much? This will sound childish but sometimes I wished there was a 'pause' button for live so that I could put off certain things (work, all the paperwork, financial issues etc) until all the confusion has passed and the head can think clear again. I send you hugs too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Ricky,That is so true! We have holidays for frivolous things, yet we're expected to go to work right after our husband dies? You're right, it IS hard to think! And just when so many crucial decisions are demanded of us! It's crazy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted October 22, 2015 Report Share Posted October 22, 2015 Debi, rise and shine......you got us worried about you , I know you are an intelligent and tough woman......Tell us you have control of this and your son is fine.......kevin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 25, 2015 Report Share Posted October 25, 2015 Debi, you were the one who helped me the most and now I traced you back to here. You are having a time of it by yourself. I have classmates that are old enough to have already lost their husbands, and a few younger coworkers who lost their spouses. You, with your words, you gave me hope. I copied your note and sent it to my sister and my daughter who all suffered loss at the passing of my Billy, the best dad and brother (in-law) in the world and they are hurting too. My middle aged kids are not immune to the pain that I am going through and of course go through the pain with me. I do not know anything about Belgium. I only know the "deep south" of the USA. Certainly we have bad things too. When I called to have him cremated of course no funeral home would do it without the promise of funds. I try to not think about the unthinkable things that had to prepare him. I will not think about them. But the fact remains, what do they do with people who do not have insurance or funds?My children are grown, but losing this father, who was (to us) the best father in the world. They are suffering terribly and suffering because I suffer. I am having unthinkable panic attacks and can feel them coming on. I will go to the doctor tomorrow. This is something I had 33 years ago and did not expect it ever again, but they come on unwelcome but still they come on. I feel like a crybaby because even though I have lost this lion of a man, it has taught me empathy is not sympathy. And, Debi, I share empathy with you. I wish us both strength to face the upcoming days and hopefully my faith will return. I know that is something each person needs to fight these times of sorrow and despair, depression and panic attacks. I wish I had the words to help you, like you helped me. I saw the strength in your reply to me and so did my sister and my daughter. You are to be admired and cherished as a friend, as you were a wife, a daughter, and as you are a mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 26, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2015 Dear Friends, I want to thank you all for your huge hearts and love. Each and every one of you has helped give me courage and strength. I have been so lacking in those and encouragement, which as you all know (along with practical support) we used to get from our beloved partners. Scba,Karen, KayC, Kevin and Ricky as always I want you to know how eternally grateful I am to have you as sounding boards of wisdom and love. It is ironic that we would never have 'met' if it weren't for our enormous losses, but I really feel God has given me the support from you to enable me to cope.Margaret, if I helped in any way then I am thankful. You are dealing with so much and having panic attacks on top is unbearably cruel. Your closing lines to me made me cry (for all the right reasons!) and are so lovely. Life may not have been very kind to us with our losses but it is a source of human strength to witness how incredibly kind we are to each other. Big hugs to you all xxxPS To make you smile. If I win the lottery I am going to organise a huge get together somewhere marvellous. Who is in? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harleyquinn Posted October 26, 2015 Report Share Posted October 26, 2015 Debi- I hope things get a bit easier. Life is overwhelming right now and it seems things just keep piling on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 26, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 26, 2015 Beautiful Harleyquinn I received the hug safe and sound xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 26, 2015 Report Share Posted October 26, 2015 I'm in! I figure our "meeting" is the silver lining in the cloud. There usually is a silver lining somewhere if we look for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 27, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2015 Excellent! Now we just need to daydream about where it will be...Europe/US/Caribbean? Now I just need those winning numbers......Lord knows we have enough angels up there to help us x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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