Can this be explained?

[Margm]

Billy has not been "gone" a week.  We had 54 years together.  We were just 18 and 20 at the  time.  He told me he could not have children, which at 18 did not bother me.  He had had mumps in his teens and was told he probably never would father children.  Scott was born a week before our first anniversary.  Then, I listened to a neighbor with seven children tell me about the rhythm method of birth control, and along came Kelli, our beautiful daughter five years after Scott.  Billy was my rock, but rocks break and our marriage had lots of cracks, but had evolved into a perfect love, friendship.  I was ill some.  Never him.  Our oncologist told us "shoulda, coulda, woulda" did not count.  We thought it was only his herniated disks acting up, but after being diagnosed with a brain aneurysm, and a fast train going downhill Stage IV liver cancer, too fast to stop, he passed away less than six weeks later.  He was very stoic.  Out of 90 pain  pills he only took 40 and I gave them to him without him asking, even if I saw the faintest sign of pain.  We watched both of our fathers pass away slowly, horribly with cancer.  I think mercifully, he went fast, even though mercy is a word I can only use for him.  There is no mercy for the survivor, certainly not right now.  We did not discuss his actual death.  They told us months.  I kept telling him I could not live without him as his body changed to bones by feel and sight.  I know he knew.  He said "Don't you know I see the worry in your eyes."  His unsaid words were that he had to go.  I was angry with him for giving up.  His last emotion from me was anger and I will forever be haunted by this.

I considered going to a grief group in the city 40 miles away.  After he passed I wanted to be alone.  Now, I am afraid to  be alone..  He and I discussed this when I was so ill.  We are not "homesteaders."  We are/were RVers.  Our plans were if either went first, the other would live in a very small Class C RV and carry the cremains on the passenger side.  It sounded plausible when we planned it, even sadly romantic.  

I still have a wonderful support group of women, some old classmates, some former transcriptionists that I had the pleasure to be also friends with, and a wonderful neighbor who lost her husband two years ago.  

Now, I cannot explain this fear.  This fear of seeing his picture, fear of picking up the cremains, fear of signing anything that has to do with his death.  Sleep only comes two hours at a time, even with pills.  Actually, Tylenol PM works the best.  

I have learned the difference between sympathy and empathy.  I wished Billy and I had discussed this.  Maybe he would have if I had let him.  I wanted a miracle.  Now, I cannot explain or understand this immobilizing fear I have.  Is this a normal process?

 

[Guest]

Margaret -

Yes everything you are feeling is normal.  Grief is a process that will last the rest of your life.  You are very early in the process and you will find that things will change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.  Everybody is different and yet everybody is the same when it comes to grief.  After a week I was in business mode.  I was driven to get it done.  Take care of things.  Now I see things that need doing and just can't find the energy to do them.  You are on the worst rollercoaster ride of your life.  The lows are debilitating and the highs are not much better.  Your job right now is to eat, sleep and take care of yourself the best you can.  It is good you have the support you do.  The fear will come and go.  I do like the idea of the RV travels.  I bought a bunch of tins to put Deedo's cremains in so I could take them back to significant places in our past.  I'm hoping the best for you as you start on your journey.  Best advice I got was to focus always on right here and right now.  To look forward and don't look back.  There will be a time for that but it won't be for a very long time.

 

Brad

[Margm]

Thanks Brad.  Some of my friends had worse circumstances than I did.  One took care of her husband after a massive stroke for seven years.  He kept pulling his feeding tubes out.  You, as a man, maybe you can see where Billy's surrender came from.  I don't mean surrender in a bad way.  I think subconsciously he was trying to save me, but I don't think you men take to being "taken care of" the same way we women do.  Somehow, it is giving up your life to having your woman bathe you, dress you, get a wheelchair and "baby" you.  I did not mind any of this, but somehow, being a man, I think it bothered him very much.  And when he put those beautiful palms up in a way that said he could not fight anymore, I got angry.  I regret this so much.  It haunts me every minute.. He loved to be close.  I pulled away.  He would say "Marg, you blame  yourself for everything."  I was not God, but I tried to be his saving grace.  I failed.  My last emotion he saw was anger.

[MartyT]

Margaret, my dear, when you say the last emotion your beloved saw in you was anger, it seems to me that he knows you well enough to know that what you were really angry at was the disease that was taking him away from you, and certainly not anger at HIM, the love of your life. I won't try to take your guilt away from you, because I suspect that you will continue to beat yourself up until you feel as if you've been punished enough and you feel worthy of forgiveness ~ but I hope and pray that one day you will find the will and the determination to forgive yourself. I simply cannot imagine your beloved being mad at you for wanting so desperately to save him from the horrible disease that was killing him. In the end, the only person who can give you the forgiveness you seek is you. ♥

[Margm]

He knew I took on blame for everything, some fault I had that sometimes he would get angry at me for, but not anger so much at me as at myself taking blame.  That is one of my downfalls I have never been able to curb.  Stupidity on my part.  My main problem right now, other than missing him, is the fear I feel and that totally surprises me.  When he passed I wanted to be alone.  My grandmother did not want us grandkids staying with her after my grandfather passed away, but she put up with us.  I wish I had her's and my mother's courage.  Mama just got angry at Daddy for leaving her and I never saw this fear I have ever in her.  I hate fear.

 

Edited October 23, 2015 by Margaret Mims
To finish my thought.

[KarenK]

Margaret,

Our marriage of 41 years had a lot of cracks also, but we managed to hold it together. I found it sad that after all those years , Ron still did not feel what was in my heart. Two weeks before he left, from his hospital bed he asked me if I was tired of taking care of him and if I wanted a divorce. I was stunned and simply gave him an emphatic NO. That will always haunt me. We never discussed the possibility of his leaving, although he would just say "You're gonna' miss me when I'm gone".  One day I was checking out rehab places for him and the next day he was on life support. Five days later he was gone. I could not comprehend that my daughter was really dying and we just didn't talk about it. I still find it hard to grasp that she is gone.

For a few months after Ron left, I could not go anywhere alone. My son was always with me. I don't remember being afraid, but my emotional state was such that I didn't want to drive or be out in public alone. That does get much better in time. At one week out I was a basket case. Please give yourself plenty of time to heal and don't beat yourself up.  In their hearts, I know both of our guys knew how very much we loved them.

Karen

[Margm]

I have so many friends that have lost their spouses and they are very supportive of me.  I am so lucky.  My heart goes out to you for your daughter too.  The cracks in our marriage were in the first 20 years, the last 34 were the way marriage was supposed to be.  He was my rock, he was not flawed, it was me that was flawed.  But there I go again "Marg, you blame yourself for everything."  I sure miss him.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, I know the fear all too well.  On top of the horrendous grief of losing Steve, I have panic disorder.  I get paralyzed with fear often.  I had fear anyway from the 'normal' grieving' process.  I once read an article that said anxiety should be added to the steps Kubler Ross made famous.  She herself said there are so many more than what has become the model.  Often I don't even know what I am afraid of, can't put my finger on a specific thing beyond I don't want to live my life without him.   It's a horrible feeling to be afraid, but we become so intertwined with our partners and when that is ripped away we are lost.  The world becomes unfamiliar and cold.  I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I don't.  I just know many here feel fear.  Our lives will never be the same and that is devastating.  

[MartyT]

Much has been written on this topic of fear and anxiety in grief, dear ones. I'm sharing this article with you, in hopes that it will help: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping ~ including the Related Articles at the end . . .

[Gwenivere]

Marty, you might have more insight on this, but I find anger so much better because it gives me energizes me, tho perhaps not n the best way.  But at least I feel something that is not crippling.   Not that I want to be angry all the time.  But in those times I have felt that I'm don't feel as helpless.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  

[Margm]

After my own daddy died, my mom never showed any outward appearance of the grief that is crippling.  She liked to talk about him having a smile on his face, but she was more satisfied with being angry at him for leaving her.  She has Alzheimer's now.  My dad passed in 1984.  She now thinks she had two husbands.  It seems anger would be so much more constructive than the crippling fear 

[MartyT]

Anger is energizing, that's for sure. See Is Anger One of The Stages of Grief?

[Margm]

I wish I could get angry.  Not yet.  

[kayc]

Margaret, fear is okay, it's what we do with it.  When we proceed anyway, that is courage leading us.  I am so sorry for your loss...54 years is a lifetime spent together...and that is a lot of adjusting to do.  I hope you will do it here, with us.

[Margm]

Oh, I expound on here all the time.  I had a panic attack this morning.  I thought I was dying, even looked up my insurance for the kids.  Went to see my friend Hettie who lost her husband two years ago and we agreed it was a panic attack.  I had one when I had cancer 33 years ago.  Today was a week.  The Baptist pastor called me and I melted over the phone.  My son is here with me, so I am really not afraid.  I only woke once I think last night, so that was good.  Tylenol PM works best, even over prescription drugs, except Xanax.

I will get it together.  

 

[Gwenivere]

Panic attacks are one of the most horrible things I have ever felt.  I've lived with them for 29 years now and take Xanax daily.  What I hate most is it feels like our minds are betraying us.  It amazes me how under control they were during the stressful caregiving years that presented many emergencies.  But when you need to act, you do.  It seems it is now that I have all this alone time they are having a field day with my fear of the future without Steve in it.  I truly hope yours, Margaret, was a fluke as I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.  

[kayc]

I have GAD so am familiar with panic attacks, they are scary.  I'm Baptist too...but my pastor went on vacation the morning after George died, leaving me alone to deal with it.  Thank God for the church secretary, she helped a lot, even secured our previous interim pastor to come back and hold George's funeral.  You had cancer 33 years ago?  Wow, you have been through a lot.  I'm glad you have your son there with you.  I'm glad you slept some last night too.  I had a really hard time sleeping the first few months.  You can go to urgent care with a panic attack, they should be able to help you.  I take medication for my anxiety, it helps but sometimes during the night the anxiety robs me of sleep.

[Margm]

We live in a small town of 1000 people.  When we first moved here and a semi-emergency occurred after 10:00 p.m., we quickly learned that we must make sure we have gas in the vehicles tanks or we go no where.  Everything closes at 10:00 p.m.  The closest town is 35-40 miles away in any direction.  This is Arkansas.  This is why we moved to this part of the state.  Billy liked the rural.  I liked the rural, but not if an all night Walmart was not within 10 miles.  Luckily, my neighbor and I recognized this attack.  I am sure she has been through them too.  It had been a long time for me, so I thought maybe this was one of those "this is the big one Elizabeth" (If you remember Redd Fox show).  

My lawyer said give myself a year.  Know I do not want to stay in this big empty house.  Billy was no "homesteader," we were RVers that stopped for awhile to help raise a granddaughter till she decided this town was too small.  That hurt us both, but we got over it, it was something she had to do and really gave us some freedom we had not had.  We were planning on leaving this house to finish up our RVing we had started years before.  When the long ago radiation caused my colon to rupture last year and overall sepsis, then we talked about what we would do if the other left.  Actually, we both figured it would be me, although Billy would not have let me go without a fight.  Thus the anger at his leaving so fast.  We did not  have time to fight.  I was willing but he physically could not.  So, see, I have come to face the truth.  Accepting it is not the same.  I still go over in the RV and cry to him about leaving me.  I will get peace, I believe,  once I allow my lifelong religious beliefs to take hold.  Right now I know I am holding God at arm's length.  I am aware of that, even though I know I need the peace that passes all understanding.  

 

[debi.williams]

Margaret, this is so so raw for you and as others have said. 54 years is truly a lifetime.Of course there were cracks, each of us changes in that lifetime and so does the world but your bond was so strong no crack turned into a rupture. That is something to feel immensely proud of, the love you share.

It is 12 weeks ago to this very day that I had to turn off life support for my husband. He had collapsed at home from a brain haemorrhage less than 24 hours earlier. He was 49 and we have been together almost 20 years, we have one son who turned 16 shortly after. The speed of it was shocking. One ordinary day that turned into hell. I know my husband would have fought with all he had to stay with us but I know it was not possible even for this goliath of a man. I honestly believe Margaret that when it is your time it is your time. Your husband knew this - as I believe we all do when our time comes - innately, possibly spiritually, but to convey this to those we have to leave behind is impossibly hard. I think it is important for you to know he didn't give up. It wasn't his choice to make.

Margaret, on the subject of anger.His last emotion from me was anger and I will forever be haunted by this. It is so natural to feel this. Why wouldn't you be angry? Your life, as you know it, is being changed irrevocably forever. HE is leaving you with all the grief that entails. He gets to go first leaving you to deal with every possible human emotion grief rolls out and meanwhile he is at peace. He has left you with all the practical details to manage to such as 'what the hell comes next' ? 'Where do I go'? 'How do I live'? So then the anger morphs into anger + fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of anything that triggers his passing, fear of accepting indeed he has gone. 

However Margaret. he knew you better than anyone on this earth. He knew that the anger came from great love and fear of being parted. He knew that. He knew how much he was loved. Our relationships are not the sum total of our dying few hours or minutes or seconds. That is building a relationship in shifting sands. 54 years was built on rock, yes with cracks in it, but a rock still standing nevertheless.

My mother experienced the fear when my dad passed. They had been together over 45 years, he died aged 66 very suddenly too in 1999 and mom passed last year aged 82, also suddenly. She would, quite literally howl out and scream. Their marriage too was 'normal' = some cracks but built on rock and she had never really contemplated a life without him.  Slowly the fear subsided only because she kept living and realised that the demons she feared, being alone, unable to cope, where within her control. But it took a long time.

3 months on today for me and I feel the fear too. I am no longer afraid of dying but I am seized now with the knowledge that I am the only 'adult' left in my family and I don't want to go yet until I have got our son Max through his studies and into some stability in his life. I don't want to leave him alone, although again I know that tomorrow is promised to no one. I watched a documentary about near death experiences and science recently and one of the scientists said F E A R = False Evidence Appearing Real. I can relate to that. I either go on and do my very best or I live expecting the very worst and let the fear overwhelm me.

When I was in my very early 20s I suffered crippling panic attacks. I couldn't breath and thought I was having a heart attack. More than half a dozen times I would be in a hospital on a ECG machine. I was given beta blockers, sleeping pills, tranquilizers you name it. I took none of them as I am phobic about pills, more anxiety!. With the help of a particularly wonderful doctor I was told I was living in fear of the unseen, the unknown and the untried and it was fuelling my anxiety. It took about 5 years to learn how to cope with them. They still 'start' but I know the signs and take evasive action. 

Margaret, you are doing the very very best you can in circumstances none of us want to be experiencing. You are a cancer survivor. You are amazing.  Your love and humanity shine through. You have dealt with so much in your life. Be kind to yourself. You WERE Billy's 'Saving Grace', now with the help of your family and friends (including us!) you must be your own. I send you love and courage xxx

[kayc]

Margaret,

It is common for our faith to feel shaken and sorely tried when we've lost our spouse...mine was, and I was always a person of strong faith and an avid prayer warrior.  God was there all the time even when I could not pray, even when I could not comprehend or focus.  He will be there for you and will hold you steady, when you are ready, your faith and prayer life will resume.  It may be a year, that's okay, He understands and carries us.

Most people say give it a year for major changes, I say three, but that's because how we are feeling/thinking can change.  Once a major change is made, it can seldom be undone.  However, sometimes a person MUST make a major change, for financial or other reasons, and then you must trust your instincts, plus I'd bounce my idea off close family/friends that know you and your situation well.  Not having medical help within acceptable distance is a very real consideration.  So is not being able to keep up the place by yourself or afford the property taxes, maintenance, etc.  These are things only you can decide for yourself.  I draw comfort from being in my home that I shared with George, the place I raised my kids, the place of many memories, I've lived here for 38 years.  But it's a struggle keeping up bare minimum and paying for it all.  I take a day at a time and try not to look too far out, although I do have some goals/plans for the next ten years.  Early in my grief there was no way I could plan anything.

Many of us have experienced panic attacks, I hope you stay in touch with your doctor about how you're doing.  Grief counselors are a must too!

I'm glad you are able to share here, we'll be alongside of you.

[Margm]

The Baptist pastor told me God was just beside me waiting for my reach.  I knew/know that and know I will not have total peace or anything close to that until I quit being so stubborn.  

I want you all to know that you have helped me.  I did have to take 1/2 Xanax this morning and I do not know where these are coming from.  I knew where they were coming from when I was being treated at MD Anderson.  

One of my friends nursed her husband through his death from a devastating stroke, for seven years.  She is a wonderful Christian and her faith has sustained her. I know I need my faith back.  Billy helped lead me back during my cancer battle, but this time he is not here and I have to do things on my  own.

I printed out your note Debi.  You, Kay, and all the others.  You have helped me so much.  I am an infant on this journey.  I have to figure things out until "it is my time."  Thank you all so much.