Too soon for plans

[Margm]

We know we have to move on.  It has not been two weeks yet and I think about going "home."  Billy and I were wandering people.  Our roots are embedded in the red dirt of northern Louisiana, Webster Parish.  We wanted to travel by RV.  I don't think we are supposed to make plans yet, but I hear footsteps behind me and I am not wanting to run.  Billy always let me make the plans.  He just always went along with them.  One moment I want to go back to our "home" state, but he would really have been against the city living.  I don't care for it either.  We discussed if either one of us was left behind, the other would travel by RV.  Right now though, all I want to do is get away from "here" and that means where ever "here" is right at this moment.  I think they tell you to wait a year.  In one year I will be reduced to five pounds of flesh having to swim in this sea of tears, and I cannot swim.  We neither had feelings for this house other than as a place for our granddaughter to have a "normal" growing up life.  She hated this place though and wanted to live in a big city with her mom, which we accepted and made plans to leave this house.  Now I want to leave, but I just want to leave period.  I don't know to where.  He is not here, he will never be here again and I have to shake myself and say that.  I was granted fifty-four years with my best friend.  I have to now make a life alone.  How do I do this?

Edited October 27, 2015 by Margaret Mims
word change

[Kpl48]

I know the feeling of just wanting to leave. I go as far as wanting to leave this earth. But I don't. I've built a life where we have lived for the past ten years. Everything reminds me of Andre, especially inside our little house. I've been thinking about redecorating. I don't know if that would help me. 

Facing the fact Andre is not here is so painful. I know what you mean about facing that your husband isn't there either. We had an RV too. I didn't know how to drive it so I sold it. I live in the California desert near Palm Springs. It gets very very hot here during the summer. We used to take our motorhome to the beach area of San Diego for two to three months to beat the heat. This summer was my first summer in the desert without my husband. 

I pray our pain diminishes. People share here that it does. Every morning is like torture for me. I go out most every day and that helps me. My little dog is a great comfort. This group helps a lot. Some how we will all get through this. 

[MartyT]

Margaret, my dear, you make a life alone by taking baby steps, and not by trying to do it all at once or before you feel ready and able to begin. Although you may hear the often-repeated advice, "Don't make any major decisions for at least a year," you are wise to bear in mind that this is just a "rule of thumb" and it may not hold true for you. It stems from the notion that most people need to get through the first four seasons of grief ~ what we call "the year of firsts" (first holidays, first birthday, first anniversary, first death day anniversary, etc.) ~ before making any major changes. Nevertheless, everyone's grief path is different and unique to them. You know yourself better than anyone, and it is up to you to decide what is best for you and what feels right for you. You are quite right in thinking that no matter where you go, your grief will go right along with you. It's not something you can leave behind. Still, what I would suggest, if you still feel compelled to "get away from here," you might try going somewhere for a brief period of time, just to see how it feels. I would encourage you to avoid making any major decision that cannot be reversed. Instead, make choices that are temporary instead of permanent, thereby allowing yourself permission to change your mind.

[scba]

I had to left the apartment we were renting, I moved back with my parents. I could not stand the pain, I had stopped eating. I know it was a decission taken in a rush, but looking back, it was the right decission. I am grateful that I have my family close, they are very supportive. I know it is said not to make decissions in the first year but I had no choice. I could not stay there without him, and alone. However, I miss our home.

I am in year number two. I can tell you that the pain is not as umbearable as it is in the early months. It evolves. You learn to cope.  In my experience, rather than pain, it is more about a subtle sadness that is always there. I still miss him, and a part of me is still waiting him to come back. 

Edited October 27, 2015 by scba

[Margm]

I know it is too early for real plans.  Thank you all.  One thing I never wanted to do was be a burden to my kids.  Our son has lived with us most of his life when he was not  married.  He is on VA disability, 100%, but has a girlfriend.  He does not live with her or stay with her all the time, but I don't want him to be burdened with me.  There is nothing that takes away the grief this early, maybe never, but if I was in any way unable to take care of myself, I would go into assisted living.  I know what Billy would do if it had been me go first.  I know he would grieve terribly, just like I do, but he would get in the RV and live.  I have been so fortunate all these years.  This is the first major grief I have had to go through and if I live long enough I might have to go through more.  I am such a coward, but I am going to have to try to do what Billy would have done if I was the first to go.  I know that would be what he would have wanted.  We did discuss it, but not about him going.  I was the one who had two major illnesses, but he pulled me through them.  I could not pull him through, I tried.  My son said he had a knock-out punch he could not dodge. My kids hurt terribly.  He was such a wonderful father, husband and grandfather.  

[kayc]

I think one of the exceptions to the one year rule is if you are somewhere alone without a support system.  Such was the case with a young lady that had just gotten her college degree and needed to take a job and was wondering whether she should "not make any major changes within a year" and take a local job, or if she should move back where her family is and take a job there.  I think that was a case where she'd benefit from moving to where her family is.  She didn't want to be where she was, hated the city she was in, so why wait a year to move just because most people recommend it?

[Guest]

Margaret

I get the "all I want is to get away from "here" and that means where ever "here" is at the moment"

For the first couple of months when I was alone I'd want to be with people, as soon as I was around people I'd want to be alone. No matter where I was I wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, else. I was so depressed, restless, empty. Today, thirteen weeks later I'm still depressed, restless, empty but I am starting to establish a routine I can live with. Also I am working on a support network I can rely more on when I ne d them. 

[kevin]

Margaret, you and Billy were right on the mark.....I am searching down an RV right now(this is a good time to buy), just a small 20 footer....My only draw back are my two animals....dog and cat.......my plan will bring them along, see how it goes.....I believe in the one year rule for major chances, the RV was always part of our plan...if anything, it is unfinished business........I feel good someone else has the RV idea......good luck Margaret

[Margm]

Unfinished business........Thank you Kevin.  You have helped me.  It is unfinished business for Billy and me too.  Not going to worry about any different plans.  

[kevin]

Margaret, just read something Amy(Dew's Girl) wrote some time back....and other's use this term...."unanchored". It usually takes a little time these days for things to sink in.....It came to me watching the weather and the storms in the East Coast, big ships taken out and anchored......this feeling to get away is natural because there is nothing or a purpose Anchoring us....It is somewhat Liberating if it wasn't so sad......these trips or excursions are supposed to  bring back the color to our memories....

[Margm]

I have mentioned that  I felt like an unanchored ship adrift and unable to even see land.  One of my friends, who lost her husband in an explosion, said after over two years she felt like she almost had an oar in the water.  This morning I received a card from another friend who lost her husband a couple of years ago and she told me that nothing but time was going to help me.  She said she would go outside in her yard and pull weeds all day to keep from being in the house.  Also my neighbor helps me the most.  She still sleeps with her husband's rolled up sleeves shirt.  I have all Billy's clothes and houseshoes on his side of the bed along with a lifesize dog that my 16-year-old granddaughter gave me and she calls it "Daddy Dog."  Billy was the only daddy she ever knew and he loved being teacher and grandfather/daddy to this beautiful child.  We all just hurt, all of us, all of my family, all of the people on this grief forum.  I guess there is no medium feeling to any of us, we all just hurt, and I hope time can alleviate some of this hurt for all of us.

[kayc]

Margaret,

I'm so glad you have your neighbor that understands!  I have a neighbor that lost his wife of 29 years, 13 years ago.  It's been 10 years for me and we both still miss our spouses tremendously...it doesn't lessen.  Having someone to talk to about our spouses that understands really helps.  I feel like I know his wife through the memories he's shared, I'm sure we'd have been great friends.  The sad thing is, she lived down the street from me and I never met her.  We will know each other in heaven though.

[Guest]

I find myself seeking out those who have lost spouses. They tend to relate more to what I'm saying as well as me to them. 

Others want to fix me in ways where I'm not broken. Had a friend tell me I need to keep busy. I told her I'm busy enough grieving and have little time for anything else. 

[debi.williams]

Margaret, as KayC says it is wonderful to have a neighbor who totally 'gets' it. No one In my circle has been through anything like this and although I have some understanding friends there is a limit to their understanding because (and they admit this) they can't really imagine what it is like. I understand that and I wish it on no one. If there is such a thing as a hell, it is this. 

I love the image of Daddy Dog! 

You sum it up so well; 'We are hurt' and unfortunately all over, hearts, minds, bodies and spirits and it is not going away. I remember a woman saying to me after going through a divorce she didn't want because she still loved him saying 8 years later 'the sun comes out now but there are rays missing'. I can only hope for even the sun, let alone the rays x 

[Margm]

Oh, I  have thought that I would have preferred losing him to a divorce.  At least then the hurt could turn to anger and he would be alive.  My mom acted like she was "free" when my dad passed.  She became very possessive of everything, it was "hers" but we were not  trying to get it.  My mom, sometimes I am sure, did not play with a full deck, but all we heard was how she had to quit a job she  had just got a promotion to and had to start taking care of him.  My son said my dad died with a smile on his face because he was so glad to get away.  She has Alzheimer's now and thinks she had two husbands.  She outlived him 31 years.  Marriages are all different, but I see the grief expressed years later on this forum.  I am happy to have had a loving marriage, and I cannot get angry at anyone but myself, but I can see where my mom's anger made her survive so long.  But, at what cost?

[kayc]

My mom had dementia too, she assumed her and daddy must have gotten a divorce because he wasn't there.  I assured her that they never would have divorced, that he'd been dead for 32 years and he was waiting for her.  She cried.  It is very hard for them when they don't have all their faculties.

Divorce is so different, it hurts like hell at the time but I think most get past it to a major extent, whereas with grief, it's never over.  Plus with divorce, as Margaret expressed, you can use the anger to fuel your determination in moving on, but with grief, there's no way...you didn't want to lose them, they were so good to you, you know?

[Kpl48]

It's been a year since my husband died. I never imagined being without him. I cry every day. The first 6 months I was able to function better. Then I became less functional. I don't cook anymore; I eat prepared foods or eat out. I can't deep clean my house; I pay to have it cleaned. I do drive; I try to go out every day. I try to interact with people as much as possible. Alone I'm no good. Alone I feel unable to live without my Andre. At night I feel more hopeful, but in the morning his absence hits me hard. I wonder why he had to die. There are no real answers to this question. I've built a life in the community I live in; that's what my husband wanted me to do. Maybe some day I'll move, but not now. I don't even know where I would go!

[Margm]

I've got a doctor's appointment Friday.  I will request a shrink, I suppose.  I cannot be a burden to my children, but these panic attacks are driving me crazy, thus maybe a shrink.  Billy was always against psychiatrists, said I could talk to him.  Eventually, I could.  Now I cannot.  He does not answer.

[MartyT]

Just a cautionary note, Margaret. You are barely two weeks past the day that your husband died. I hope whatever psychiatrist you see has a good understanding of what is normal in grief.

You might want to arm yourself with a bit of reading before you see your physician on Friday. See, for example, Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? and Interview, Are We Medicating Normal Grief? ~ including the Related Articles you'll find at the base of both.

[Margm]

Marty, I have tried finding my faith.  I am a Baptist, but Billy and I did not go to church.  We were in nature in this beautiful state and always said we felt closer t o God in the national forest and the rivers than in a church.  I am going to read the ones above and if not too long, I will copy them because reading is hard right now.  I can write, but I have always been a writer and can express myself this way.  I feel like such a coward and know I could find peace as I did when I had cancer.  But that was me, and that was both  of us pulling together.  I do not want to put my grief on my children to worry about me.  Suicide is not in my mind, my kids would just have a double whammy and I cannot do that.  I am just not use to these terror attacks I am having and perhaps they are normal grief, but I never grieved like this before, not even for my father, though I had cancer when he passed and his was a long drawn out cancer fight.  My two best friends had cancer at the same time, we were young women.  They all passed away within two years and I had to seek counseling for why they were gone and I was not, when mine, at the time, should have been fatal, and why I was spared with Billy's help but I could not help save him.  It was like we were given two miracles and I used them both up.  I feel so unnecessary, but cannot  leave my grown children with the financial burden, though we have funds to cover everything and for me to live comfortable, but how can this be comfortable?  I am such a crybaby coward.

I was able to copy.  Thanks Marty.

Edited October 28, 2015 by Margaret Mims
addendum

[Kpl48]

Please be gentle with yourself. Going through grief takes a lot of tears and a lot of courage. I've been crying every day for a year. I have to accept it's part of grief. I hope you get some help with your panic attacks. I'm in therapy with a therapist who is well versed in grief. It helps me a lot. Bless you!

[kevin]

Divorce was a celebration or relief, this Grief of a Spouse is 100X worse than the worst heartache I ever endured in the past.   When I got divorced the love was gone, and whenthe Love of  my Life passed away, I was totally devastated, and as I approach day 100 of this Journey, I truly believe I am only touching the tip of the Ice Berg. There is so much more to understand.

[Margm]

This is grief.  I told a friend tonight, who lost her husband in December, and who has helped me.  She got married at 31.  She is my kids age.  I got married at 18 and cried for my mama when I was pregnant later in the year, first trimester, and I had the flu.  Last time I cried for her.  Now I cry for Billy, partner for a lifetime.  I get to do my growing up in my later years, guess this is my second childhood.  It does not matter how old you are or how long you were together, when you lose your life partner, your world falls apart.  I might need help because the terror/panic attacks seem to want to shut me down completely.  I am no spring chicken, but not ready to be the boiled old hen for Thanksgiving dressing yet either.  I will get it together.  We are all a work in progress.  (And, if I sound brave, I had 1/2 Xanax about 3 hours ago).

Edited October 29, 2015 by Margaret Mims
addendum

[kevin]

You brought some laughter to me.......sounds like your a Spit Fire at heart. Good for you.....Give yourself some credit, first month if I wasn't crying, I was drinking......How else are you supposed to feel when your world is being  re learned?

Edited October 29, 2015 by kevin
grammar

[Margm]

Thanks Kevin, well, I would drink if my old woman's reflux problems would let me.  We handle things the best way we can.  I love all of you.  You are so brave and I hope I can be too.