Back from the Wars and missed you all

[debi.williams]

Hello My Wonderful Friends,

So Max and I returned at the weekend from sorting out mom's house. I think it was the 3rd most harrowing thing I have ever done in my life. I felt so sad because now my husband is gone there is enormous pressure (not least financial) to sort it out quickly. I ended up getting rid of so many sentimental items that I would have chosen to bring back and go through at leisure, but not driving made this impossible. So out went so much. So many bits of history, so many little things, meaningless to others. I managed to keep myself together for Max's sake until I looked under the stairs and saw my husband's work clothes neatly folded in February, and his work tools where he left them. Waiting for him. Then I wept. And wept and wept. I think the whole experience has changed me irrevocably. How can you be the same when you have lived through that? I am not the same person, I know, as the one that 15 months ago had her mom and husband and comfort and love surrounding her. I wept for Max particularly, who has experienced too much loss in his short life. 

I also discovered that my 2nd cousin Debbie (and that's where my living family ends) had died in May at the age of 54 of a particularly swift bone cancer. She had fallen ill at Christmas apparently.  I had been trying to track her down (she moved quite a bit) to invite her to Mom's funeral and thought it was odd she never responded. I had called at her last known address and left her a long note. I will never know if she received it.

Anyway, the first picture of Pooh is of course for Brad and the second is how I feel.  Big hugs to you all xxx

[MartyT]

Beautiful, Debi. Thank you ~ and welcome home. We missed you, too ♥

[scba]

welcome back Debi. I'm very sorry for the loss of your cousin. Lately I'm lack of words of what to say.....

Thank you for the posts, the second one is very true. 

[Guest]

Debi 

Welcome back. You have been missed. Thank you for more Wisdom from the 100 Acre Woods. I do find these snippets heart warming and inspirational. 

As hard as the journey was at least now it is an accomplishment and hence a victory as you find your way through this quagmire. 

[Margm]

We have missed you Debi.  No words of wisdom from me.  I have words, no wisdom.  My mom is 94 with Alzheimer's and lives with my sister.  I have had times I wanted to talk to her, but that is impossible, but with my mom, it was always impossible.  Alzheimer's is just a continuation of a long mental illness.  She still loves her cigarettes, the things she has always called "her friends."    

[kayc]

Debi, I've missed you!  I'm glad you have that done, I can imagine it was very hard emotionally.  I hope you're doing better now that you're back!  And I love the Winnie the Pooh...

[debi.williams]

I missed you too Kay! And you Brad (I hope Wakey Dog is in fine health), Margaret, Marty, Scba....all of you. I hope Kevin is okay too. I have thought about you all so often. I have had literally no internet access and I really felt the loss of not being able to communicate with you all. Still I'm back now! Or as my dad used to say (with a smile) 'Trouble is back in Town!'

[Margm]

That is funny Debi.  My dad, if Billy and I ever fussed (and we did), my dad would seriously ask me "what did you do?"  Guess he knew me very well.

[debi.williams]

Oh Margaret I TOTALLY get that!!! How are you? (I have a lot of posts to catch up on!) 

[Margm]

Debi, this morning has been sorta hard.  Removing his name from our Medicare, removing his name from our joint checking account and having to send back in a sheet to our retirement system because I put "married" instead of "single" are just some hard things to do.  They underline that he is gone.  I get up each morning and I look on his side of the bed and say "you are gone, you are never coming back."  Just a ritual.  But, I have to say I had an almost passable day yesterday.  I talked over 54 years of marriage to four of his hats on my trip to the SS office.  I talked the good and the bad, the early years, the later years and the in between.  A friend had done this talking  to her husband's favorite chair.  Somehow, and I don't know how, this helped me.  I know, I am a strange person.  But tomorrow, who knows, I might not be able to get out of bed.  Last night I slept, only waking up once (old woman's bladder), but have to admit, I do take Xanax to sleep.  I know it is addictive.  Right now, addiction is the least of my worries.  I am going to move back home one of these days, and I have my old shrink I can go to.  (If she  has not retired by now).  You take care of yourself my friend.  I think we are all going to find our way out of this fog, eventually.  

[debi.williams]

Well Margaret, if you are strange then you are a member of a club I too am in. With you all the way. SO good to be back in contact xx

Removing names is achingly hard. I remember going to the bank (they freeze accounts here can you believe regardless of circumstances) and watch the bank manager systematically go through everything taking his name off and making me the primary...horrible. Mind you the bank manager did cry. Brussels - 'capital of Europe' but a legend in its own lunchtime if you ask me - is amazingly small and very like a village. I say this coming from around population 10 million in London. People do tend to know each other here, and the bank manager said my husband had 'made his staff feel better for him having spoken with them'...I knew just what he meant.

I LOVE the hat scenario and I wish I could see them. Hats are so very personal aren't they? Having been worn on such precious heads. Max grabbed his dad's fishing hat from the car and has slept with it ever since. I think imagining them, in their hats or sitting in their favourite chair is a huge comfort. Margaret, who are we to say they are NOT there listening to us talking to them? Actually that is no more absurd than life, is it?

I hold an open palm out on his side of the bed...just in case he takes my hand, just in hope.

I have old woman's bladder too my mum, always the realist, warned me it would come in my arrogant youth and so it has! Addiction is the least of it, but my wonderful woman, take care. I am fighting going to the docs because I know I, personally, mustn't. I read. I weep. I read some more. I take comfort in the fact that love began millennia before me and that many have trodden this path. Can you imagine how many oceans the love of those who have passed would fill? I think that is why/how the world has continued. 

We will find our way out of the fog my friend. Life will be just a little less sure, a little more misty. We will never take anything for granted again. We will have to live each moment and I think, maybe that was always the goal. 

Big, big hugs xxx

[Margm]

Big hugs to you Debi.  I wish I could see Brussels.  My son has visited all over Europe.  I will go visit Brussels on Google.  Won't be the same, but you and I have shown that people are people where ever we live, where ever we come from.  We all feel things the same.  XXXXX  You are a good friend and people just have to love you.

[debi.williams]

Margaret, just between you and I , Brussels was HIS city, where I came to, to be with him. London, England is MINE Actually, he came originally from Iran, proud of it. Ancient culture beautiful scenery. I pray that I live to see democracy there. But you are so right  Margaret, we are all the same race wherever we come from, some of those in the world lack the preface 'human' though. You are a good friend too. Just 1 question, why, oh why can't I live next door to you ???

[kayc]

I don't know but if any of you ever do, I'll put the pot of coffee on and bake something!

[debi.williams]

You and I Kay will have had a holiday somewhere we never imagined!!! Las Vegas? By the way, Max is pestering me for pumpkin pie (saw a movie). Now I am a good cook but not a great baker, do you have a foolproof recipe? xx

[Margm]

Debi, if you lived next door to me we could share Hettie, my sister widow.  She helps me so much and yesterday after her Loyal has been gone two years and three months, she was depressed and it was one day, possibly the only day, I was not in total depression so I was able for the first time to sorta help her.  It was the weather change from warm autumn weather to dreary, wet, sorta cold weather.  So, we are in for it with weather changes, sunlight, rain, snow, wind blowing...........anything.  Again, maybe the fog will lift one day.  But you, Hettie and I could help each other a lot.  I have at least five sister widows that check on me.  These are "girls" I graduated with so many, many years ago, and some I worked with.  And now you, a friend in Brussels.  

[debi.williams]

Oh Margaret I crave the girls! I literally have no one. Of course I have friends, but no one of blood. We are in here for the weather changes too. Nothing as extreme as the US but I was walking home today from work, and my heart was almost bubbling over with grief. Typically British ' never let it go in public' and it was the last of the Autumn (Fall) leaves that triggered me. A season he won't see and he loved it so much xx

[Margm]

I have Billy's photography for Arkansas's beautiful autumn leaves.  October was my favorite month of the year.  Now it is my most hated month.  

[debi.williams]

Hold my hand. I am walking with you on this xx

[Margm]

You have my hand.  We will make it.

[debi.williams]

Yours in mine my angel xxx

 

[KarenK]

Debi,

It's so good to see you back. I know how hard it must have been to go through all your mother's things and especially to leave some of them behind.

The year 2000 was a very bad one for our family. In May, Ron lost half a foot to gangrene, my mother had a devastating stroke, and my son's wife met someone online, packed up and left. I had to place my mother in beautiful private care home. Ron could not care for her while I worked. I knew she would never again be able to return to her cute little home. It took me 7 hours a night for six months to clean her place out. Bless her heart, she was a hoarder at 90 years old. Even taking some of her favorite things to her new residence, I still had 500 items of clothing and 100 pairs of shoes to donate. I donated hundreds of National Geographic and threw away mountains of old newspapers. I was meticulous as she had a bad habit of sticking money in everything. Ron could not help, but was at least there for moral support. I am so glad that Max was with you. She lived in her own private hell not being able to communicate or comprehend for six years until she passed peacefully at age 96. I will forever feel guilt at not being able to care for her at my home.

There are so many hurdles to conquer in this awful grief. I'm glad you have conquered this one. We are moving forward as best we can.

[kayc]

Oh Karen, I had no idea you went through that much!  I didn't know Ron had lost half a foot, that's very hard.  I hope your son's life is going better now.

[debi.williams]

Thank you Karen for your lovely words. What an awful time you had and I can see how you understand the emotions that go into sorting out the remains of a person's life. I had to let go of so much because time and logistics are not on my side. Mum too was a hoarder, very neat and tidy but with so much storage space, so every closet was full! I feel very guilty that I didn't have chance or time to go through every single thing and had to part with so many things I would have preferred to keep, even for a short while, but Max and I were travelling via trains so there was only so much stuff we could keep.

It must have been very hard for her (you and Ron too) to be unable to communicate for so long, It is so easy for me to say I know, but you shouldn't feel guilty. What could you do? You were working, Ron was dealing with a devastating situation and you couldn't have cared for her properly at home in those circumstances. How is your son? I hope he has been able to find happiness after such betrayal. 

You are so right Karen, there are so many hurdles to conquer and just when you feel able to breath, some other aspect of grief rises up. We are doing the best we can and that is all we can do xx

[scba]

Off topic....Debi, everytime I read about Brussels it brings me back many memories full of nostalgia. I used to travel frequently for work. There were nice times and tough ones, they were the previous years before I met my boyfriend. Those days are gone and I'm a different person now, nonetheless I had a nice time in Brussels and if I ever come back to Europe I will cpntact you!

Edited November 11, 2015 by scba