so lost

[Guest sadheart]

I know the feeling hollow heart, even i lost my only brother.

Just dont feel that connection with any cousin or anyone else for that matter. Have this constant empty feeling inside.

Its like you grow up with someone, have this permanent friend with you. He/She gets you completely. He has seen you at your best as well your worst. That special bond is lost forever.

I wish I could have spent more time with him in the past one year.. Will regret it for the rest of my life.

[Guest]

Sad heart, I also feel that regret for my sibling, that we didn't spend enough time together in recent years. In fact, after leaving home, we would just see each other once or twice a year. I assumed my brother would also be there and I guess he assumed the same about me. I also remember and regret every single little fight we had while we were growing up and as adults. I agree with you 100% that your sibling has seen you at your best and at your worst. 

You are not alone with these feelings. That's for sure. As Marty's article shows, sibling grief is always unique. Its not like losing a parent or a child or a spouse. It is different and has a power of its own.

Over time, I have tried to channel my grief into thinking about changes I can make in my life to cherish every moment I am alive and also to cherish every chance I have with the people who are dear to me. I have also had to think a lot about establishing new relationships as time goes one. Its very hard and takes time but is worth it. I will never replace my brother and wouldn't try, but I want to make use of the chances I have in my life to make the best of it. I know that is what my brother would want me to do.

Thanks for posting here, by the way. It helps remind me we are not alone in this.

 

 

[hollowheart]

sadheart, it's like you took my brain and are writing my thoughts. I can't believe how much we feel the same. Sometimes I think about my sister and I truly cannot even fathom that I won't see her again or hang out with her again. Go get breakfast again, go to Target (our favorite store) and look at the holiday decorations (one of our favorite things to do this time of year). 

Yes, she saw me at my best and worse, I could tell her my secrets. Like you said, she was my best friend and she got me. It was truly a special bond and also like you said, I was never close with cousins or even friends like I was with her. Especially when we became adults. As adults we got even closer. I had a built in best friend, shopping buddy and hang out partner. I didn't have to try to coordinate something with friends, who didn't want to do what I wanted to do anyway. I'm so used to having that built in friend that I feel like my arm has been cut off. I just feel lost without her. Not just the friendship part, but I went to her for help and for advice. My mom doesn't know anything, I can't go to her for most things. It just sucks.

I know my parents lost a daughter, but it affected me more because she was part of my daily life. So I'm just lost now.

I regret not buying a car sooner because she was waiting for me to get a car so we could go to more places and not just the places around the house. Since she was sick, walking was not great for her anymore and I wanted a car so we could shop, shop, shop and just tool around. It would have been awesome. I regret that we did not get to do that.

[virgo_gal]

Guest : we were living under the same roof but we were busy with our own lives. I feel sad because I could not say a proper goodbye to him. It was like I was running late that morning, I just said a fleeting bye to him and left for work. In the evening, I got the news of his passing away. And the very next day I saw his lifeless body.

So much changed in one freaking day that my whole life became upside down. My whole future feels empty. But I am no longer afraid of dying myself. I know I should not be saying all this but the day I will die, I will have a smile on my face because I know I will be meeting him. I am feeling weird writing all these private thoughts of mine but honestly, I cannot say all these to anyone out loud.

- sadheart

[Cathyc]

 

I also feel sometimes i am less afraid to die now. I wish I could be confidant I will see him but I don't have the religious faith. I do think that at least I will know where or what happened to him in the end. I guess I have a stronger knowledge now that I will die eventually.  Before my brother did, I didn't really think about it as a reality. I hope I do think about it when my time has come because then I will think "If he had to go through this, I have to, too." But not before God or fate decide its my time!

Sometimes I talk to him or imagine what he would tell me if he could. I know that he would he wants me to make the best possible use of my life while I have it, and even  to take good care of my health. Even to enjoy tiny little things that happen every day, that I otherwise would take for granted. When I think about that, I get a weird kind of upbeat feeling. Losing a sibling is so strange. Its especially hard at first, but I feel the worst parts have softened over time.

[kayc]

virgo_gal,

I am so sorry for your loss.  We never know when today will be the last day we get with someone we love, we don't get advance notice.  I don't know why you think you shouldn't be saying this (will die with a smile because you'll be meeting him) because I think that's how we all feel!

[virgo_gal]

Kayc: its me sadheart. I have finally registered myself here and become a part of you all.

Cathyc: I do believe I ll meet him one day. He was such a pious soul. A real innocent at heart. Never did anything wrong, made no demands, was at a happy place in his life.

Why his time was so short shall always remain an unsolved mystery to us. 

[hollowheart]

I can't say I thought about my own mortality after my sister passed. I know I just wished she had taken me with her because I am just lost without her. I just feel so alone and lost. But then I see how my Ma is and I feel bad that I think about leaving her alone. But this is hell on earth here for me. I am just incomplete.

I keep thinking about all the horrible things you hear about in the world. We'd always discuss it and, even talk about past horrible things like the Holocaust and horror of losing your entire family at once and what that does to a person. I couldn't imagine going through some of these things we'd hear about. But to have tragedy strike in your own backyard is a whole other world.

I've had losses in my family before, but all of them were ones I was able to mourn and get past. A couple of them had no real affect on me at all, so even though I had deaths in the family I was able to still have a happy life. But this hit me right in the heart and I can't deal. Even when I do something fun for a minute, reality punches me right back in the gut. I find myself pretty angry a lot too, mostly angry that other people I know get to go on with their lives like I was doing just a few months ago and they can offer their condolences then go back to their perfect life. It's not fair.

Why don't some of these evil worthless people that are taking up precious resources on our planet die rather than good, productive people like our loved ones? I told this to a friend and she made me feel horrible for saying it and that pissed me off even more. Screw feeling bad for saying that, I want my sister back.  I'm just so sick of only being able to think of one thing all day. I want and need her back and I want her back living her life and enjoying it with me. I'm just so pissed.

[virgo_gal]

Omg hollow heart, your writing exactly what I feel. Bad things happened in other families. Could never imagine such kind of sadness in our own family.

I felt so awful in the first month that he is gone and I am still living. I kept asking god to take me as well. I could never in a thousand years, think of living without him.

My problem is that I am still not able to digest the fact he is not there with us anymore. I guess, I am avoiding facing the reality. I am not crying. I avoid talking about him, thinking about him. I am scared, I ll have a mental breakdown.

This is the only place I am writing about him. And since I try to act normal, every freaking person is acting so normal around me. I feel so strange.

[hollowheart]

Virgo gal,

This morning is really f**ked up for me. I woke up wanting to cry. I am just like you in that I have not digested that she is really gone either. I keep dreaming that we got her to the hospital and she is recovering. I just about had a breakdown last night. We loved played The Simpsons Tapped out game on IOS, we've been playing it for over 2 years and are big Simpsons fans.

They had their Christmas update and I just wanted to break down. She'd always know before and would text me all happy about it. It's no fun doing it without her. I see so many little things during the day I want to text her about. I'm just so lonely. I have a friend that I sorta keep up with, but she's not always helpful even though she means well. I just want to roll my eyes at her suggestions sometimes.

When you say you act normal and people act normal around you they probably assume you have 'recovered' and are OK. So inside you are screaming. I don't know if normal is what I am trying to be. I think I just try to do just enough around people to get through the day. I don't talk or laugh or joke nearly like I used to.

And to be honest, talking takes a lot of energy, if that makes sense. Mainly because I don't care for idol chit chat now because my mind is always sad and angry and it takes a lot of effort to joke or be concerned over someones nothing conversation.  I hate trying to act like I'm OK. I hate going to work now, I just don't want to do anything.

 

[virgo_gal]

I know the feeling. I dont talk and laugh so often. Office sucks too. I feel exhausted at  the end of the day, pretending to be okay even when am not.

My friends try to chip in too at times but I am still not ready to discuss him as yet. My heartaches when I talk of him (which happens very rarely).

My cousins,uncles,aunts and other relatives are also back to normal. They all are happily partying and posting pics on fb with their friends.

They all got back to their normal routine.

N yes it gets very lonely too. The transition from being a sibling to being an only child is awful.

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, virgo_gal said:

I know the feeling. I dont talk and laugh so often. Office sucks too. I feel exhausted at  the end of the day, pretending to be okay even when am not.

My friends try to chip in too at times but I am still not ready to discuss him as yet. My heartaches when I talk of him (which happens very rarely).

My cousins,uncles,aunts and other relatives are also back to normal. They all are happily partying and posting pics on fb with their friends.

They all got back to their normal routine.

N yes it gets very lonely too. The transition from being a sibling to being an only child is awful.

Yeah, I feel so funny now without her and now being an only child. When someone does something she used to do I go 'oh that's something my sister would do' and it makes my heart ache because she's not here anymore to do it. I cringe even seeing the word 'sister' I liked having a sister and us being so close and knowing each other so well. It was pretty cool to have someone that knew you that well. Not having that anymore also makes me feel like nothing, because there is no one left in this world who knows me.

It's hard seeing others getting back to their normal when your normal is destroyed. Even worse is when people talk to you like it was BEFORE, joking and stuff or looking for you to do what you used to do. It makes me mad because I'm like, that person is gone forever. Don't you get that? I guess they don't.

One day you will start talking about him and you won't even realize you just started doing it. I think that's when you will know you have turned a corner. It doesn't mean you're 'healed' but it's a good sign.

[Cathyc]

I feel the same today, even though I don't feel it constantly anymore. I wonder how do people survive the loss of a child or a spouse? Its odd because It thought I was dealing successfully with this loss but today I feel like phoning my brother just to say hello. I can't believe he is gone. Its  just so unbelievable, even though it was months ago that he died and I was at his bedside. Its jus like it was such a horrible dream.

We have to go on. I think we all know that. But its intense loneliness in the moment that I feel.

Thanks to both of you for posting because it helps me a bit to know I am not the only one who is reacting this way.

[hollowheart]

CathyC, you echo my thoughts in saying you want just want to phone your brother. I know that feeling. And I definitely know the intense loneliness. I just remember my normal routine of coming home from work and stopping in her apartment to chat with her, usually before some of my favorite shows came on, or sometimes I'd skip watching TV and keep on hanging out with her for 2 or 3 hours.

She would show me stuff on her favorite YouTube channels and it would interest both of us so it was fun to watch together. I miss that so, so, sooooooooo much. It is unbelievable she is gone from my life too. I think I hurt even more because that last day things were not looking good that I left her there instead of calling 911. I just left her there to die, waiting for the morning to take her to a hospital. I don't mean to keep bringing that up, I know I have said it a million times and I really hate to sound like a broken record but it hurts so bad that I didn't help her like I was supposed to and that, I'm sure, would have saved her life. 

There was nothing else for us to do but get her to a hospital and we didn't even do that. I don't know how to live knowing I could have done something to save her life and didn't.

The loneliness is unbearable!!

 

 

[virgo_gal]

Yes the loneliness is unbearable.

I just wish I could hug him right now and tell him how much I love him.

It was so tough at work today that I justed wanted to get home and hide from the world.

At times, I feel like hanging out with people and then instantly feel guilty for wanting such things.

All his stuff is around us, his pictures, belongings. We havent moved his things an inch. They are exactly there where he left them.

[hollowheart]

Virgo, why do you feel guilty about wanting to hang out with people? Sometimes I want to hang out with people too but other times I don't want to have to reach out to them, I want them to ask me how I'm doing. I know that's petty, but at times I don't have the energy to chase people down.

I'm going back and forth from guilt to anger. Mostly it's angry frustration. I don't have anyone to vent to about stupid random things. I could do it with my sis and she'd get it. I have no one I can talk to like that now.

I am just holding all my gripes inside and it's making me crazy. You know how people can get when you complain, they either don't want to hear it or try to be jokey about it and not really be on your side or get what you are angry about. I feel like I"m losing my mind.

I woke up angry because I woke up 2 hours early and couldn't get back to sleep and my horrible reality is always there when I wake up anyway. I haven't touched much of her things either. She had a lot of stuff because she liked to shop. We haven't even sent out thank you funeral notes and I'm kinda pissed about that because I know my Ma is leaving it up to me to do and it's just making me angry again about these responsibilities that I don't want. How freakin' depressing is that job going to be?

I'm sick of work and stupid things that I could deal with before but they are just making me want to blow this place up now.

[virgo_gal]

Yes totally get what you mean. I want people how I am. But nobody really does. Either they think I am over it since I dont talk about it or they have forgotten it.

It sucks when you cant release your pent up emotions. Like you, my mind is filled with anger. I have taken off from work tomorrow. Feeling so mentally exhausted.

And you should probably send those thank you notes and get over them.

Yes, it kinda helps writing here because people who have lost a loved one can only understand for real.

[hollowheart]

I'm going to write those notes, hopefully this weekend, or at the very least over Christmas break because I won't have anything else to do and I do feel the looming stress of my Ma assuming and expecting me to do it.

It's kind of a slap in the face either way, because if you don't talk about it they think you're fine and over it and expect you to be normal, or they have forgotten and expect you to be your regular self because they have forgotten about it.

You know what else, I think that only people who have lost a loved one and it is ESPECIALLY burdensome and unsettling and sad that they understand. Reading here that others are having a hard time with their losses make me feel a little better. Not that I want to feel this way years down the line, but if someone is still having a hard time 5 years later then I'd it's not just me.

Some can accept things better and move on and from their prospective they expect that from you and they don't understand that lingering sadness.

 

 

 

 

[virgo_gal]

I guess the saddness remains, it just dulls a little over time. I have friends around me whose brothers and sisters are getting married. Its so unfair my brother did not get the chance to experience all these things. His life was cut short so suddenly.

Its almost 2.5 months since I last spoke to him,met him.

I always wonder, what I should tell people who meet me and are unaware of my brother passing away. I mean if someone asks how is your brother doing, what should I reply?

Or maybe say I meet someone new and they ask me if I have any siblings. How should I respond to that?

[hollowheart]

Virgo, I think of that too. Because in the past when people asked me if I had brothers or sisters and I said one, they'd be like 'oh it's just the two of you?' when a lot of people I knew had big families.  Like you, I feel like it will be a big production if I have to mention she passed if anyone asks. I also want to say I still do have a sister, I don't feel ready to say "I DID" Because then the person has to look sad and even sometimes ask what happened, which is even worse and none of their business.

I have never gone this long without talking to her, even when I went on vacation. It's almost like she's fading from memory and not having any new conversations or events or situations in my life with her makes me very depressed.  I still had a good 30 years worth of memories with her. I feel robbed.

You know what made me feel so awful recently, was my job asked for an emergency contact. I gave my Ma, but I think when she is even older, who will I use? I used to use both of them, now I have no one for anyone to call. How utterly depressing is that?

Virgo, you can simply say "he passed away" short and quick. And you can also say You don't want to get into it if they press for details, unless you really want to.

[kayc]

Tell them he passed away.  They will then probably say they are so sorry and look uncomfortable.  You may feel prompted to say it's okay, but instead simply say, "I am learning to adjust."  I wish our society understood loss better and didn't always get that uncomfortable look!

If you meet someone that asks if you have siblings, tell them you have a brother in heaven or something like that.  

[MartyT]

This is such a tricky question, and how you choose to respond depends, I think, on several different factors, including how recently your sibling died, how well you know the person asking the question, and where you are in processing your own grief. You may find that, over time, how you choose to respond to such a question will change as well.

You might find these articles helpful:

Do You Have Any Siblings?

Sister Act: Answering The Sibling Question

When someone asks how many siblings you have but one of them is dead what do you say?

[hollowheart]

44 minutes ago, kayc said:

Tell them he passed away.  They will then probably say they are so sorry and look uncomfortable.  You may feel prompted to say it's okay, but instead simply say, "I am learning to adjust."  I wish our society understood loss better and didn't always get that uncomfortable look!

 

Both of my friends parents are dead, and she is so young, so people don't expect that. I remember some idiot on the street bumped into her or something and they argued and he said something like "didn't your mother teach you not to walk in the street" or something like that. And she went off on him and she was so mad when she told me later. I was upset for her, and maybe I shouldn't have said this but I told her that people just don't expect that yours are both gone given her age so I know that comment hurt even more. We all hate that "didn't your mother teach you...." kind of reply, but for her it stung even more.

Part of me wants to forgive the uncomfortable look because when someone blurts out "oh they're dead" You don't want to be like "Oh yeah? Oh well. So anyway, did you see that new movie last week?"  We all feel like we should say something consoling. Even if they've been gone 20 years and we had no idea, it's still sad to hear.

Also, I read one of these links about what to say and one lady said her friend said she's an only child because her sister passed away when she was 12. I'd feel like I'm just forgetting her or treating her like she never existed if I said I'm an only child. I might do that to people I will never see again, but if I think I might talk to them again I know I will eventually mention something my sister used to do and then they'd be like 'Huh?'  It really is a tricky and difficult situation. If you have other living siblings I would mention them and then say but one passed away (or multiple of that's the case). If they really are a random person I'd just say I"m an only child and move on.

[kayc]

I think it's important to ackowledge someone's pain when they're hurting and be careful not to invalidate what they're feeling and going through.

I wouldn't say I didn't have siblings if mine were dead because I'd feel that would discount their lives and our relationships, but everyone is different and some prefer saying that to getting into a discussion.

[virgo_gal]

I had even less time with him.

I dread meeting new people because of this reason. This is a general question ( about your sublings) that people ask, you know just to get the conversation moving. My mom's friend said, that we should probably tell he has gone abroad to study/work. I dont know whether this will work in the long run or not. But I would never say I am the only one. He will always remain my brother irrespective of the fact he is not physically present in my life now.

But I have several school/college/office friends who message me once in a blue moon. For the first few minutes, I dont know how to respond because I keep on wondering if he/she knows or not.

I just told a couple of close friends not everyone but lately I am not in touch with anyone so much, so I dont know that who all are aware. 

Therefore, its hard for me to decide to talk nornally and pretend nothing is wrong or tell them outright if they ask me how I am doing.