Froggie4635 Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 I gave myself a bit more than a week to withdraw from this sometimes crazy world to observe the first anniversary of Mark's death. I spent most of the time with his mom, knowing that she, too was grieving. I had been anticipating this for the last couple months, and put into play some rituals and changes. The things I changed, I think I did it based on the calendar; something that would signify a change. My wedding band was getting a little tight, so I decided that I would move it and Mark's band to a charm holder that I now wear. I added to it a little gold locket, in which I put a photo of him, and a little gold rooster, which has become his totem. I still wear the ruby bands he gave me, that sat next to my wedding band. I added a new one to signify I am still married in my heart. I also found this lovely ring that has two heart-shaped rubies that represent him and I. I moved my engagement ring to my right hand. I honored him by placing some flowers into the small pots hanging outside my front door. Mark LOVED cyclamens, but would never buy them. So now I have them in a place where I can look upon them every time I come home. His brother came on Saturday and put in a new stovetop we had purchased before Mark died. He wanted it to be red, and found a place that would paint it. It is now in our kitchen. I have not christened it yet; am still getting used to seeing it there. I know it made him happy. I don't feel any different; I still feel that HUGE ache. And I cannot let myself think on the fact he is gone for much more than a few seconds. I look at his picture, and feel that deep sadness. I marked each and every significant date, and know they are about to begin again. I guess it is best said that I did survive the first year; not so much lived it, but made it through. It still tears at my heart that I will not be in his presence ever again. You can do all sorts of things to commemorate and celebrate and acknowledge the passage of time, but it can't change the fact you don't have them any longer. As I have been told so much lately, only time will help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Maryann, I guess we still have to keep trying, still putting one foot in front of the other, still getting out of bed the hour we wake up fully, no matter if it is still dark. Maybe tonight we will sleep longer from getting up so early. We are left, we still have to live. We have been a lucky family, we have not faced much loss, and when we did, we still lived on. Like Billy said, "the one that is left must live." Damn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Maryann, You are doing things to honor him and keep him close to you and it all helps with your grief. At the end of the day, we still miss them unbearably, but it does all help us to process this. I had my wedding band resized to a whopping $275 that I could ill afford, but I wanted to wear it...then I lost weight so I now wear it on my right hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 Maryanne- I love the rituals and changes. I am a big memorializer. I wear Deedo's wedding band on the little finger next to my wedding band and will until I am ready to let her go which will probably be never. I can't foresee it at this point but then for me it has only been 19 weeks. You did survive the first year and you have progressed through the process. But most importantly you are honoring Mark through your actions and as difficult as it has been and as difficult as it will be, you are finding a way to validate the love the both of you shared. I can only hope to handle the one year anniversary so well. Thank you for your inspiration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 8, 2015 Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 You did a lot for your Mark for the anniversary! I didn't feel any different either about the grief. I was more done in by the anticipation and was glad when the day passed. I knew there would be no miracle feelings of it getting easier. I just wanted the day behind me because so much significance has been attached to it. It's not a date I plan to keep on my calendar. I'll never forget it anyway. When Steve's mother died, he remembered her on her birthday. He said...why would I want to do anything on the day I lost her? It made perfect sense. She loved cardinals, so we bought Little things as we found them. As they next year progresses as I did last year, I want to do things that keep this house our house. Not like a shrine, but I never want him erased from our home, like you did with the flowers Mark liked. And on his birthday I will celebrate he came into this world so we could find each other. That is the date that made all the difference in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted December 8, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2015 My heart sank tonight when I came home and saw one of the cyclamens all droopy and pale. There were a total of 8. I brought it inside to try and nurse it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 Maryann, I'm glad you are honoring Mark in a way that eases your heart. I was not familiar with cyclamins, so I googled them. They are beautiful. I can honor Ron and Debbie in my heart only, although I purchased some artificial poinsettias yesterday to place on his grave and that of my parents which he lies next to. I can do nothing for my daughter as she lies 1,500 miles away. In my heart, I have to believe each of them is really somewhere else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 Karen, I cannot even imagine your pain. Losing a child has to be one of the hardest things ever. My dad was 64 when he passed away and my grandmother was 83 or 84. She never was the same after that. Losing a husband is the most horrific thing I have ever gone through and I hope and pray I go before my children. You have my heart's wishes for peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 Karen, when I viewed my husband's body, it was easy to tell he was not there. That was his discard, the shedding of his body that no longer worked for him. And although I loved it because it was his, it was not him. I spread his ashes in my back yard, it's symbolic, I knew if he could pick a resting place, that would be it, but I also know "he" is not there. But we WILL be together again, of that I have no doubt! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 9, 2015 Report Share Posted December 9, 2015 27 minutes ago, kayc said: Kayc said: But we WILL be together again, of that I have no doubt! "of that I have no doubt." My feelings too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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