Cardinals, and Other Mystical, Magic Things

[Margm]

Okay, I broke-down and decided to feed the birds and squirrels after all.  We have done it every year.  Billy sitting on the  couch with his specific bird book to identify any new birds.  We have seen a few.  We actually had been bird watchers many years, but did not keep a list.  I sorta broke the habit of feeding them when a hawk smashed into our patio door with one of the birds in his talons.  He never let go of the bird, he flew off with his buffet choice.  I like hawks, but I did not like serving them up a meal when there was still plenty to eat off the forest floor.  When they first started coming on the porch yesterday I closed the curtains to not look at them.  I had revived a tradition that was ours, not mine alone.  This  morning I pulled the curtains back and there were four red cardinals and some of their mates on the porch.  I have not revived my totally mystical magic life yet.  Somehow, some way, I believe, I want to believe Billy led me to find that wedding ring nugget.  I could not move on without it. The cardinals were not magic or mystical yet.  Maybe they will be someday.  Now, they are bitter sweet reminders of happier times.  Still, the birds and squirrels return.  One thing I noticed in Arkansas, we only have what we called cat squirrels.  The pretty big fox squirrels have not crossed the Louisiana/Arkansas border up this 170 or so miles.  Nature is strange.  So is life.   

[kayc]

I think it's pretty special to see four cardinals!  It's more rare to see them here.  I have squirrels (silver greys), they're beautiful but pesky.  They knocked over my wood pile.  And they like to throw cones and Arlie and I from 50 feet in the air...when they're green, they hurt, esp. when they hit you in the head!

[Gwenivere]

I have gargoyles and a griffin statue inside.  These are supposed to warn 'evil' forces not to come here lest they be turned to stone.  I'm also into fairies too, but their significance is different.  Every time I dust the statues I tell them they failed.  They let the cancer in.  It's a silly thing to do, but for years we had been protected from such horrible things.  Love  makes you do crazy things.  

I tried wearing Steve's ring but it is very large and bulky for me.  I leave it where he put it when he got to thin to keep it on.  All the jewelry I wear he gave to me.  Rings, earrings and a necklace.  I never that them off (except 3 of the rings, not my wedding of engagement one) even when I sleep and haven't for years.  

[KarenK]

Margaret,

I think it is nice that you are feeding the birds again. I know it takes courage to revisit the things you and Billy used to enjoy together. After so long now, had I the funds, I would revisit the many places Ron & I have traveled. Not world travelers, just the  western states. I know it would not be the same, but I would make my way.

I have no trees, thus no birds, although there are a few nondescript ones that hang out on the power lines in the alley. On my daughter's farm in Kentucky, there were beautiful cardinals and other birds, including turkeys. The pesky woodpeckers drilled holes in the sides of her log home. Also many deer wandering in the yard. She loved it there. It was very peaceful.

Gwenivere,

Interesting about the gargoyles. There is a church in Flagstaff, Az. that has them all around the roof. I could not understand why they would be on a church.

[Margm]

Nothing but woods and hills around us.  The houses are situated so that they are sort of hidden from each other.  Birds and squirrels all over the place.  Lots of deer.  Even had a bobcat once that was being attacked by crows. Supposed to have had a bear, but I never saw it.  I did see one up on the Ouachita River and it looked like a big stub tailed dog to me. We even are visited by a chipmunk, which we never saw in Louisiana.  They really make a loud noise for such a small animal.  Billy loved all wildlife and I have lots of pictures on the computer.  I have a hard time looking at them.  I will be glad when I reach some stage where I can have his picture all around me, can bring up beautiful memories, and can listen to Journey, the band.  He was not into music much, but I cannot listen to it at all right now.  And, I want an apartment where I cannot even see a tree and wrapped in a cocoon of other apartments.  Coming back to this empty house is the most horrible feeling and I just want to leave it.  We bought another RV in March and were getting ready to go back to Louisiana to help take care of my mom.  Our son will take it.  His (Billy's) sister is in Albuquerque and I don't think I can go ever again.  The western states were where we traveled also.  He enjoyed it so much, right now I am not sure I can handle going anywhere except back "home" to Louisiana.  

[kayc]

Margaret, I think you should go where it feels most comfortable and right to you.

[Margm]

Me too.  

[Froggie4635]

As you can see by my photo, cardinals are kind of like my totem.  My mother LOVED them, and I have always managed to have them in my yard. But we also have squirrels, which destroyed the feeder we had.  So I have done some research, and found that cardinals love safflower seeds, and the squirrels hate them.  so I will fill my feeds, and hope I can coax my cardinals back.  My family and friends knows of my love for them, and are always bringing me cardinal things.  My desk at work has so many pictures and stuffed cardinal toys.  The therapist that I began seeing is part of the Redbird Center...and there are cardinal items in her office.  I thought it was appropriate, and a sign that I found the right place.  Now, with my experience in Oregon...I also have another totem.  The rooster.  A BIG sign from Mark that let me know he WAS there.  So they also grace my desk, living in harmony.

[Margm]

My daughter has roosters all over her house.  She even has a big metal one in the yard.  I keep waiting for my "mystical, magical" thoughts to come back.  Just when I think I am doing okay I am intruded by the picture of Billy's hands held out to me in submission that he was giving in.  I did not know they meant he was leaving and my last reaction to him was anger, when I should have been holding him.  I beg him for forgiveness, but Billy loved to be held, and I can never forgive myself for losing that final moment with him.  He always said "Marg, you blame yourself for everything" and I guess I do, but the guilt of having him leave without my holding him, my anger at his giving up, how can I ever forgive myself. They told us months, but I think his little heart just gave out, or the aneurysm burst.  I don't know and if I did know, he would still be just as gone. They had told us months.  But, what pain would those months have brought?  I usually can get this out  of my mind, but this morning it just provided another panic attack.  Not looking for pity, I just cannot drink at these pity parties I give myself.  

[Margm]

Lordy, I sure wish I had my mystical magic back because there are 11 cardinals on my back porch.  Think it must be a cardinal convention.  

[Guest Janka]

On ‎8‎.‎12‎.‎2015 at 4:20 PM, kayc said:

I think it's pretty special to see four cardinals!  It's more rare to see them here.  I have squirrels (silver greys), they're beautiful but pesky.  They knocked over my wood pile.  And they like to throw cones and Arlie and I from 50 feet in the air...when they're green, they hurt, esp. when they hit you in the head!

Kay,

I can hardly see any swallow,blackbird or gull.The most I can see many pigeons,sparrows and crows sitting everywhere now.

Janka