Eleven months.

[R.Everit55]

Today (tonight) is eleven months since my princess was taken from me by ALS.  I can't face this last month of memories of it stealing everything from her so fast.  I don't know how to do this.  Someone who I guess was trying to help told me that I've already won this when she was still on this earth before her last breath.  But no I haven't done this. I haven't done the last eleven months except for those months.  I haven't done the twelfth month yet.  I haven't done the one year angelversary yet.  I can't just do this anymore.  The pain is unbearable.  The guilt is horrible.  I look at my son and my grandsons and I blame myself.  I can't explain this I thought I could.  If only I could lay my heart on this forum for all to see and hear.  

Butch

[MartyT]

Butch, my dear, I wonder what would happen if you could share with us whatever it is that you are feeling guilty about. We can hear the agony in your voice, and our hearts hurt for you. We are here to support you in your pain. We will not judge, and we will not walk away. There is nothing you can say to us that one or more of us hasn't felt or thought already.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Butch,

Marty is right.  We are here to listen and to help best we can.  I wanted to let you know, as someone who has just gone through the 12th month and passed the anniversary date, it is simply a date on the calendar.  I was dreading it for months.  I won't say that I did not experience hurt at the fact I was running out of days I could look back and say Mark was alive.  In those months I was approaching the date, in my mind I thought of things I could do to honor Mark, and the deep love that still exists between us.  Everyone must grieve in their own way, and you have had an unbelievable amount of grief.  I have decided after reading some posts, that next year I am not going to acknowledge the day he died; instead focus more on his birthday (which was two days before he died), and celebrate his being born, so that I could find him and love him.  Do whatever you feel you need to do, or want to do.  I did some things because it was a date on the calendar, but also so I could feel in some very small way that I am moving forward...even if it is very tiny steps.  We all are sending you prayers and blessings, and hugs to let you know we are here and care greatly for you.

[kayc]

Butch,

I don't understand someone telling you that, they must not understand the grief journey, it can't be "won" before you've gone through it!  
There's no winning anyway, it's a lot about learning to adjust to this new life, and as you already know, it's hard.  You can do this, with our help, with your son's help, it helps to share in it and not try to do it alone.

I don't see you have anything to feel guilty about but I do understand that's a common grief response, I hope you'll explain your feelings further to us, many of us have been there already.

[hollowheart]

I don't understand the comment either about you winning something before she passed. Unless they mean "winning' the fact that you've survived 11 months. I dont' get it. I would also like to know why you feel guilty. I know what it feels like to have extreme guilt, and I know I had a large hand in what happened to my sister, so I understand that guilt. Please come back and share, we are here to listen.

 

[WolfsKat]

Butch....I can read, and sense your terrible pain in your post. Please come back, it may be hard to describe, but most here will "get it"....all I've found in this forum is acceptance, and compassion. And, it helps.....the abyss of hopelessness and despair is far too easy to fall into.....people here will try to help. Hope to see you back.

[Margm]

Butch, we have all put our heart on here.  Sometimes we even get that one moment of solace.  I know I have with the things Marty has put on for us to read.  I went to talk to Hettie, my neighbor this morning because of the guilt I felt for the anger I showed Billy as my last emotion he saw.  I didn't know he was telling me goodbye.  We had months the doctor said.  I didn't want him to go. I was not ready.  I wanted a miracle.  I think we had used up all our miracles.  My neighbor helped, but for some reason it has haunted me all day.  This does not happen every day, sometimes I can avoid it.  Today though was as bad as the first day.  I don't understand sometimes.

[R.Everit55]

I think the person who said I won before my beloved passed on meant as I caretaker partner and soulmate, we won no matter what because of our love.  

Im struggling real bad.  I don't like remembering a year ago... How ALS was still stealing moments and things away.  And knowing very soon shed not be with me anymore in the physical sense.  I would fantasize leaving her on life support but I know what she wanted.  My heart hurts.  It's hard to function to breathe to find words to find a smile.   Most days are spent in bed.  Yes I know.thats not healthy but I'm going to  cardiac rehab and to therapy.  

Butch

[kayc]

I'm glad you're going to rehab and therapy at least.  I hope you're spending time with Little Man and the boys.  How is Katie's pregnancy doing?

[MartyT]

Butch, my dear, I just happened upon an article that made me think of you, and I hope you will take a few minutes to read it ~ and take its message to heart: Welcoming Compassion for The Self  ♥