I ache more not less

[R.Everit55]

I loved my beautiful bride more than my heart can take most days.  My heart literally aches.  I hate what ALS stole from her, one huge aspect of her health and world at a time.  And yet her mind knew what was happening and it broke her heart to be the victim of it all not because these things were being stolen from her but because it broke my heart to watch.  It broke our son's heart.  It broke our little grandsons hearts even tho they don't understand.  My heart doesn't ache any less than is did a year and eight days ago when she left us.  It aches so much more.  "Time heals all wounds".  That is so untrue.  Nothing could be further from our hearts on our grief journeys.  I've returned to going to church regularly in hopes I will feel closer to my love.  I've been spending more time just laying in bed holding her pillow talking to her in hopes of a connection.  But to no avail.  

Plain and simply Mary was my whole heart.  And that's just gone.  We spoke words and finished each other's sentences.  We would touch and it was pure electric.  We would hug and it was a comfort and warmth no words could say.  We were each other's everything.  Unequivocally.  

It's snowing hard outside and so cold.  That makes me more sad than if the night were clear and I don't know why.  It just does.  I've been reading several past posts of mine from the day she died last January till recently and the pain the heartache is not less it is worse.  

Someone suggested therapy.  I've been in therapy but it's a slow process.  

So sad tonight.  I want my beautiful bride.

 

Butch

[kayc]

Butch, I'm glad you are getting therapy because it's easier for them to assess our situation than it is for us to while we're in it.  All you can see is the loss right now and that's understandable.  Many people feel this way in the second year, like it's harder not easier, you're not alone in your feelings.  Since we all adjust and progress at different rates, we really can't compare to others.

I hope the snow doesn't leave you feeling your mood matches the cold, but rather that you are inside where it's warm, in the place you shared with Mary, she is still here with you in spirit, your love is still alive...always and forever.

[Margm]

Butch, in my grandmother's "book" that she left for her grandchildren, at one point in the book she mentions that at 18 years after my grandfather's death, the pain was still as hard on her as it had been the first day.  I do not feel any encouragement from that.  She was a little country woman who owned a little country store across from the little country church her family had started.  She lived her faith.  Still, my many widow friends tell me it gets easier.  If going to hell is any more painful than this hell on earth, I do not want to go there. 

[Wade]

Butch, I am new to this site, just joined yesterday. Your words touched me so much because I lost my beautiful bride of 21+ years just a few weeks ago, on December 27th. She too was my everything, still is, and losing her has thrust me into being the sole parent of my 20 year old daughter and 16 year old son. She was diagnosed with AML in March and went through so many procedures in nine months it hurts my heart to even think about it. I am just now starting to have the pain of being without her creep into my life, so I can't even imagine being a year from now or more and hurting even worse. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. Hearing how the two of you were so wrapped around each other reminds me so much of my Jackie and me. The only thing helping me keep my sanity right now is knowing that she would not want me to endure the pain of her loss, which I know is not an easy thing to dismiss, nor should you, but would be yelling at me to get my s*** together, and focus on the kids and keeping my life together because she's not here to make sure everything gets handled properly. I can only hope for you that your grief will subside some so that somehow you can still find joy even though she's not physically here to share it with you. I know that's what Jackie would wish for me, and as special as your loved one appears to have been to you I would think she would want that too. Again, I'm so sorry that it hurts so much. 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Butch,

What you say resonates so much with me.  I can feel the hurt and pain in what you write.  We all long to go back to the time before we lost the love of our lives.  Although I did not have to struggle as you did and watch your bride slip away to a disease that is just evil, and the anger that it brings for the unfairness of it all...Mark left me so very suddenly, so unexpectedly that for most of my time in the world of grief, I have lived in a fog...protected from the truly intense hurt that waits for me around every corner.  You have had more than your share of grief through this first year and I wish there was more I could do.  We are fortunate to have found a group here that completely understands what we face every day.  Even though you are hurting so very much, it is good to see you reaching out and laying some of your hurt on us.  We all care so much and try and stand strong for you.  Waking from the fog, I still cannot think for very long about Mark being "gone" and what that means for the rest of my life.  I still face it one day at a time.  We are here to face it with you, Butch.

[Guest]

Wade, Welcome to the discussion group and know how sorry we are you have cause to be here. Losing your wife is so painful and the newness of her death makes it so very raw. Having such a young family also adds to your grief. This is a good place to come, to vent, to learn and to share. 

If you haven't yet, you may want to consider finding a good, qualified grief counselor. They can be wonderful resources. You also may want to look into support groups in your community. Hospice of the Valley is a good place to start if they are in your community. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. 

Brad

[kayc]

Wade,

Welcome to this site, I'm sorry you lost your beautiful bride and find yourself parenting alone. It took my husband and I a lifetime to find each other and when we did, we knew we were soulmates, we clicked, we got each other, we communicated so beautifully, and so in love!  It was something so special, most do not find it in their lifetime, we were lucky to have each other.  But with great love comes great loss, I can so identify with what Butch is feeling.  I only hope he can recognize his fortune in having a wonderful son, daughter in law, and grandsons, and now a little granddaughter on the way.  I rarely get to see mine.

One of the keys to survival after going through such loss is to be able to recognize what good there still is and appreciate it fully, it requires being fully present in the moment.  So I was struck by your words of hope that Butch can still find some joy in his life.

[R.Everit55]

Dear Wade

welcome to the group that none of us wants to be in.  But it's one that is warm and caring.  

Im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful bride.  You touched my heart when you referred to your Jackie as your beautiful bride just as I refer to my Mary as that as well.  She was my beautiful princess of more than 25 years and my college sweetheart.  We have a grown son and two young grandsons who live with me now and a granddaughter on the way this summer.  

I know Mary would trade places with me to take away this utter agony in my soul.  But you see I wouldn't ever want that for her.  

I hurt so deeply it's hard to find words.  It's like I'm outside of the universe and I can't speak words.  All I have is this utter pain.  

Im so sorry we all have to be here.

Butch

[Margm]

I'm sorry too Butch.

[Cookie]

Butch, Everit and Wade:  It resonated with me about the hurt from the loss of your loved ones, having been together so many years.  I know that for me at 7 months out, the pain is almost worse and I can't imagine life without him.  Being with someone since you were very young and losing them later in life is so devastating, but I know that all losses are devastating.  My heart goes out to all of you.  People who don't understand think 7 months, a year, 2 years should be enough time.  Obviously, it's normal to still ache that much no matter how much time, as I've come to learn from this site.  Just hoping the okay moments get longer at some time.  Take care, Cookie

[enna]

We need to be gentle with ourselves. Whatever the loss is it is traumatic. As we move through this journey we learn that there is no time limit on grief. Our feelings are our feelings and they will change over time.