A New Aloneness

[Gwenivere]

Karen, sounds like quite a day you had.  And in so little sleep.  I hope the Zoloft works for you.  Antidepressants take weeks to kick in if they are going to work.  I wish he had given you something until then.  You'll have to let us know how it goes.   So glad you got your BP attended to also.  Take care!

[Gwenivere]

Continuing thinking and experiencing this new aloneness, I am finding its not as much that he is not here (don't get me wrong, that is still huge), but the intense love I feel that cannot be reciprocated.  Knowing he loved me does not fill the need to know he loves me now.  I'm facing more doc visits and tests soon because of the TIA crisis.  I so want a hug from him!  People keep saying he still does, but I can't feel it anymore without his presence.  That is the sadness that brings the supreme lonliness and tears.  

I don't know about anyone else, but I have triggers at precise times of day now.  I know exactly when they will hit.  One being going to bed.  It had been sometimes OK and others hard.  Now I feel it kicking in no matter how 'well' I have been doing that day and night.  I'm pretty sure this is psychological because if the added health stress and knowing I will awake to deal with it alone.  This grief is just the gift that keeps on giving.  If only it gave consoling things like chocolate or tacos.  :-)

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, CL said:

Dear Gwen,

OK, I do sincerely wish you the best.  Lord knows you don't need any more agonies!

Thank you , CL.  I appreciate your input, I truly do.  It's hard in this 2 dimensional medium to know all the ins and outs of struggles.  But that you cared to reach out was very nice of you.  

[Guest Janka]

My dear Gwen,

I have no words as I suffer from so many medical issues I can´t talk about now and I have too much pain at the moment too,but I´m very sorry for everything you have to go through!

Love you!

Janka

[hollowheart]

Karen, I'm glad you got your BP going down. 225/95? Yikes! I can only imagine your headache. I get them too when my BP spikes. I took mine at a drug store kiosk thing and it said 170 but my doctor didn't believe it was that high for some reason, although my head was killing me. I don't know how I would be feeling if it was over 200. Wow.

Speaking of antidepressants, I'm on Zoloft but I can't tell it's doing anything. My doc told me it takes weeks to work, but I still didn't feel like it was doing anything. When I got anxious I wanted to be able to take one and TELL that it was helping calm my nerves. They are 25mg and when I was online people were saying they were taking 50mg and it had horrible effects on them so I was nervous about wanting her to up the dosage. I don't know if I should ask for something different or not, but when I feel freaked out it would feel good to have something I can feel working.

[hollowheart]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 This grief is just the gift that keeps on giving.  If only it gave consoling things like chocolate or tacos.  :-)

Mmmm, tacos (in my Homer Simpson voice)  You are right it's the gift that keeps on giving, lol. When I know that bedtime will be too much, I take a sleeping pill because I know it will be tough. So in a way I get those bad 'before bed moments' too. Although you're different because you were actually sleeping with someone, I just have horrible memories to keep me awake.

I find I have anxiety, angry triggers during certain situations. Times when I would go to my sister to vent, or get advice or discuss something and I don't have it, it makes me crazy.

[kayc]

Karen, you are taking charge of your life and I am so proud of you!  Your BP and depression, and financial situation, all in one day, and on one hour's sleep at that!

[kayc]

Marty, thank you for pointing us in the direction of the Peggy Haymes webinar on ANXIETY.  https://www.bigmarker.com/Peggy_Haymes/If-I-love-Jesus-why-do-I-still-need-Xanax

I listened to it this morning and it was very worthwhile!  I took notes and encourage anyone with anxiety to listen to it.  Most doctors just give us a pill, but this actually gave us some tools we can work with!

• Is there a message in this for me?
• dealing with negative what ifs
• do away with absolutes
• confronting distorted messages
• the fight or flight kicks in - looking for danger - notice negative more than positive (pumps cortisol)
• EXERCISE!
• engrained grooves
• confront faulty logic
• What is the feeling?
• What do I need to do with it?
• How old do I feel?
• Tell the child in you, "I, the adult, have it."

[KarenK]

Thanks Everyone,

The BP dosage could not be increased as I am already on the highest dosage. Go figure. The BP is going down a little by splitting up the meds and the headache is tolerable. At least I no longer want to scream. The doctor has prescribed some pain meds, which my son will pick up tonight.

Just started taking the Zoloft,  HH, so will give it time to work? It is 50 mg. Have fought taking antidepressants since Ron died, but must do something. I have been sleeping in 2 hour increments, but managed to stay asleep for 7 hours from 8AM till 3PM. It is fortunate(or unfortunate financially) that I don't have a job. Just don't feel well. Have been in this body for a long time and know something unusual is going on.

I see the doctor on Tuesday, again. Will have to manage to get myself there as  my son is working. He is a godsend in all this. Like Marg, never wanted to put myself on my kids, but have no other choice.

[Gin]

Karen,  Glad things are starting to look up for you.  The BP is nothing to fool with.

Gin

[kayc]

The webinar dealt with our upbringings.  It seems a lot of people with anxiety grew up in households where there was dysfunction, substance abuse, and/or taking on more responsibilities than are meant for a child...I know I could relate!

Karen, a lot of times when you start on a new anxiety or depression medicine, you might get headaches while your body adjusts.  Give it time, it should abate after a while.  It can take up to a month to get full benefit and adjust to it, although usually less than that, a week or two.

I'm glad your son is there for you!

[Margm]

Karen, I can always tell when my BP goes up with a headache.  Billy didn't believe me, but proved it to him.  I go back and read the junk I have written, but we do have to take care of ourselves.  I guess that is a giant step we have to take, even if we are really wanting to give up.  Drink plenty of water (unless you live in Flint).  It sounds to me you are taking positive steps.  I am proud of you.

[KarenK]

Thanks Kay,

I have had the headache for a month. I thought it was a sinus headache & took every OTC I could think of. It didn't occur to me that it was BP until about a week ago as it got progressively worse. Sounds silly, but I am hungry a lot, but usually only eat a little. Had terrible indigestion all night, so am going to  take an antacid. I'm sure that 99% of all this is stress, so hope this Zoloft works.

Have made such a mess of my finances and am paying for it now.

[kayc]

Karen,

Taking steps to deal with your finances will undoubtedly relieve a lot of your stress, and thus your medical situation & symptoms.  I am paying for the rest of my life for having married John as he ruined me financially, and it in turns causes me stress and anxiety, so I can well understand what you're dealing with.  I will keep trying as hard as I can as long as I live to get the debt paid off and be freed from this burden, even if it takes me until I'm 80.  I hope to live long enough to see it paid off so that my kids don't have to suffer for my mistake.

Stress wreaks havoc with our bodies, it causes BP to skyrocket, anxiety to mount, and yes, indigestion.  Some things that help the indigestion (yes I've had to deal with that too) are avoid spicy food, greasy food, anything hard to digest, you might avoid milk too and see if that helps.  I have to avoid red meat, and I'm allergic to fish, so it really limits me, but I eat fruits and vegetables, and oddly enough, I can have beans and nuts, although I have to be careful not to have too much high fat foods at once, even if they're plant form instead of animal form...it adds up and can cause too much gas & indigestion.  

I see everything we go through as being tied in with our loss and grief, because if our spouse was here, it would help our stress level as we'd have that confidant and supportiveness that we so miss.  Even the power of touch relieves stress.  I get cuddling time with my dog and cats.  Exercise also relieves stress, as they pointed out in the webinar I listened to this morning.  I walk twice a day, every day, sometimes more.

I know you don't live alone, but I hope with your grandson there that you are able to get some "me" time in and relax.  Try not to worry about what you cannot change, but try to do what you can to change your situation.  I know you've sold about everything that's not nailed down.  I've been trying to sell on eBay to help me have money to eat and buy gas.  It has it's ups and downs but it's definitely been a lifesaver, even with their high fees.  There's a trick to it and you get better with practice.  I try not to sell at a loss which means I have to sell for more than what I paid plus enough to cover the fees and shipping.  Tall order sometimes!

I hope you get some relief soon, enough to be able to form a plan to see your way out.  I had one and the stock market (my meager IRA) has kind of blown that the last few months, but I can only do my best.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, TH said:

 R would let me tell him all my crazy thoughts, get it all out, then help me deal with it or just remind me I wasn't alone and he'd always support me. Often just letting certain annoyances out would get me to move on from them, now it all whirls around in my head much more and it's way harder to cope with. Knowing I can't turn to him makes it harder to get through some situations, and I think makes me more bothered by them than I ever would have been before.

I know this is the hardest for me too.  So many things that would been but minor annoyances seem do large now if I don't keep them in check because it was habit to talk/vent to Steve.  I even find things that bothered him but not me and I would calm him down now bother me.  Like I am playing both our roles.  Being in a deep relationship, there are so many things that are so strange alone.  Also getting hit with some serious health issues that create extreme anxiety, I have lost my safe person who would be there with me if needed if I needed a hand to hold.  I can go off the deep end over the smallest things and that is not the me I was before.  It's not just living without him, it's living with a stranger that is me because of this.  

[Gin]

I Live in Illinois and my son lives in California.  He is having health issues and needs surgery to replace a hip that he broke in a fall.  Actually he broke both hips.  They replaced one and he is waiting for them to replace the other one.  They keep postponing the surgery and his better hip is now being affected. I can not do anything about it, but I want to. I wrote and told him I would check with my ortho doc to see if his insurance would be honored here.  Then he could come here and have the surgery.  He agreed to let me inquire.  Now I am not so sure if I want this.  I can not take much more stress, but I can't just let him NOT get the surgery.  I am pretty disgusted with the doctor there that does not push him up on the list.   He is supposed to wait 2-6 months.  Too much stress!!

[kayc]

Has he asked his doctor if he has a reason he needs to wait?  Maybe they want more healing or there's another health issue, or perhaps their schedule is backed up.  Often they do with us what they will without always explaining themselves to us.

Usually they have someone go to a care center for a time after hip replacement.  It would likely be more than you could handle to try to take care of him post surgery.  A lot of insurance companies will cover out of state, but not as well.

[hollowheart]

On February 19, 2016 at 5:03 PM, TH said:

I suffer from depression/anxiety from a rough upbringing, made even worse some serious work stress a few years ago... and I definitely find it more difficult to deal with in a lot of situations now because of the lack of someone to vent to. R would let me tell him all my crazy thoughts, get it all out, then help me deal with it or just remind me I wasn't alone and he'd always support me. Often just letting certain annoyances out would get me to move on from them, now it all whirls around in my head much more and it's way harder to cope with. Knowing I can't turn to him makes it harder to get through some situations, and I think makes me more bothered by them than I ever would have been before.

This is exactly what makes me so moody and angry all the time. To some people it may seem like I just complain all the time but for my sister it was just basic, everyday annoyances. There is pretty much something everyday that made me eyeroll and it was nice to vent even if it was a text about a loud, dumb person on the bus. We'd laugh and move on but it was those few seconds that I was able to vent, even something as tiny as that that could get me through the day. So I get what you mean about being more bothered than you would be.

Knowing I have no one for that, and if I tried I'm just seen as Debbie Downer griping about everything. I so miss the conversations and the time made just to talk. I get tired of TV and distractions. I just want a conversation.

[Gin]

Kay,  He told me it was because the doctor's schedule is so backed up.  I just do not know.  He is 42 and should be able to handle this, but he has some problems.  He worked for a power company and fell off one of those high tension poles.  I would think that the company would bend over backwards to keep him satisfied so there would be no law suit.  Being this far away, who knows.  I just hate to see him in pain and can't even walk.  I want to help, but I can not afford the hospital bill and doctor bill with no insurance. 

[kayc]

Of course you can't afford it.  And the company should pay for everything, and in the meanwhile, he should be getting work comp (pay), although it's usually only about 2/3 rate, but I guess all that can vary from state to state.  They should take care of EVERYTHING, lawsuit or not!  Is there another surgeon?  It's more than annoying when someone who is in so much pain has to wait so long.  A friend of mine needs back surgery, can barely walk, is in severe pain even with the narcotics he's on, and now they're rescheduling him for the fourth time, and he won't have surgery until May!    Are we really that short of doctors?

[Gwenivere]

Since the TIA I had on e 3rd, it has been non stop anxiety and panic.  The thing that sucks is a panic attack so mimics a TIA in many ways.  It's hard to keep things in perspective.  I have a hear echo week after next so that weighs heavy in me.  I did get to see my primary care doc who has empathy unlike the specialist.  It helped, but the being alone is a very bad combo with the fear.  I keep increasing the Xanax but have yet to find the dose that will control the anxiety without zoning me out.  The panic disorder has become a monster I haven't had to fight in decades.  Even thru Steve's battle I never felt like this and am guessing if he were here, it would not be so bad.  Not having any close family or friends really makes this tough.  I worry about my dogs if something happened.  What really pisses me off is that this would be anxiety producing in itself, but the disorder is so pervasive that I can't experience normal anxiety like most people.  It is crippling at times.  The grief is overwhelming now.  All I do is think of Steve.  Every motion I go thru I am acutely aware he is not here on a level I never thought possible as I was making some progress towards accepting this was true.  I've never needed him more than I do now.  I don't know how to manage that need.  

Just needed to vent while waiting to see if the meds can squelch this attack I am in.  

Edited February 21, 2016 by Gwenivere
Add a thought

[kayc]

When George was alive I used to wake up in the night with a full blown anxiety attack, that mimicked a heart attack...you couldn't tell the difference.  I had some since too, although it's been probably seven years or so.  An anxiety attack differs from regular anxiety, for those who don't know, you get chest pains, heart racing, etc.  Very scary, esp. if you're alone!  I've known people who have gone to the hospital with them.

Gwen, I sincerely hope you find the right combination medication for you.  Have you tried meditation?  It helps me, esp. as I practice it on a regular basis.  I've always been a walker too, and that helps.  There should be someplace a doctor could direct you to help you manage these, they're no fun, I know!

[Gwenivere]

I am working with my doctor for a new dose on meds.  This is the biggest stressor I have ever had to deal with.  We are titrating up the meds to find a dose that knocks them out.  I don't think we can kill the morning ones as it is so long between doses.  But it would help immensely knowing I could take an amount when waking to kill it off before it colors the whole day.  Luckily after decades I don't need to run to the ER for an attack.  Last thing I need is one of my major triggers (medical settings) included in this mess!   Thanks Kay.

[KarenK]

Blast it! I am so dizzy, even sitting down. This, combined with nausea is getting me down. Plus, I seem to be hungry a lot, which is not me. Something is just not right. You know when you are not yourself. I could not take the Zoloft. It gave me severe indigestion and stomach cramps. I saw the doctor today. My BP is going down,but still too high for his liking, so he is adding a 3rd BP med. He also did some bloodwork to see if he can figure out the dizziness and nausea. It is almost like I have low blood sugar, which I have never had before. My son has become my chauffeur as I am afraid to drive right now. I hate to put that on him, but have no one else to ask. Am sure hoping this will clear up as I don't like being dependent on him.

[kayc]

Have you checked your blood sugar?  Is it related to the Zoloft?  It might take a while for the symptoms to abate, I had headaches for two weeks after going off my Glimeperide.