6-month Anniversary Pit

[Dusky]

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my self. 15 days ago marked the 6-month anniversary of Jacks death. I don’t know what it is - or why – but for some reason I have fallen in this pit and can’t seem to get out. I though I had been doing reasonably well – and I know what all the books say about the “roller coaster” trip that we’re all on – still I though I would be able to find a way out of the last 15 days. It seems to be getting harder and harder recently. I have not cried as much for Jack since just before and just after he died.

I keep meeting him in my dreams – and I know he wants me to go on – but it’s hard to “see the road” through all these tears.

Have any of you experienced this “6-month anniversary pit” I find myself in. I don’t know why I’m having a more difficult time right now – but I am.

Thanks for listening – It’s nice to know I can talk to you all on here – You are great comfort to me.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[Bebekat]

Hi Dusky,

You're right about the roller coaster. When will it stop. For me it's been 9 months since I lost Tom. I seemed to do better at 6 months. I also can't seem to dig myself out. It's not just the crying, it's the depression that comes with it. I keep telling myself that maybe it will be better tomorrow. I lie and tell others that I am doing fine, yet I don't even want to be around anyone if I don't have to.

At least you get to see him in your dreams. I don't seem to have many dreams, at least none that I remember. And, I sleep more than enough.

It is a great comfort, knowing you can come here any time--write whatever you want-- and not be judged by anyone. We are all here for you.

Kathy -- Bebekat here

[ustwo]

John, I am so sorry you are caught in a wave of deep pain. You have been such a friend here. The pain is always there beneath waiting to well up and try and consume our every waking moment. It's like quicksand beneath our feet. I know 6 months was a crossroad for me and for many others. Each day is a crossroad between pain and existance. But Feb is 8 months and I'm just now pulling myself out of the pit after over 2 weeks. I don't dream much but three days ago I heard Gene in my dreams and managed to pull out of this nosedive I was in. I know it's hard but to have your beloved Jack come to you in your dreams is so wonderful. Jack is not far away. This morning as I sat outside remembering and talking to Gene. I told him I know he's no longer in pain..no anguish.. that I love him always. For a moment I told myself that "life is worth living" is just a lie. Just for a moment and then something hit my thoughts. If it had not been for life I would not have met my wonderful husband and shared my heart and soul with him..bonded together now for eternity.

Hang on John. Let Jack whisper his love to you in your dreams. Though you suffer the pain today perhaps tomorrow will bring sweet memories and a smile to your heart. We will all carry the longing for the rest of our lives. It is so hard to just make it through one more day.

Yesterday I remembered and thought about everyone here.

Always Gene!

Always!

[WaltC]

I don’t know what it is - or why – but for some reason I have fallen in this pit and can’t seem to get out.

Have any of you experienced this “6-month anniversary pit” I find myself in. I don’t know why I’m having a more difficult time right now – but I am.

to know I can talk to you all on here – You are great comfort to me.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

____________________________________________________________________________

(((((John))))) - I don't think there is any way we can avoid these set-backs.

I wrote this back in late June when I was feeling down:

I was climbing out of a pit of grief and almost reached the top

I remembered her face and beautiful voice and started to drop and drop

These days are lonely without my wife

I often wonder if there’s any purpose to life

I really have no will to live

I just have no more tears to give

This work of grief is too darn hard

I don’t know why her life was marred

She never complained through all her pain

Yet I’m the one who does remain.

It’s just not fair, it’s just not right

Soon I will give up this fight.

Not good poetry - just how I felt at that time, and several times since then.

[Charlie]

John,

Your pain is so very deep at this stage of your grief, now you are really starting to feel the realization that they are never coming back.

I know at 6 months I had a hard time facing each day. I am at 16 months now without the love of my life and I wish I could tell you the pain will be gone, but that will not happen, all I can tell you as the days go by handling the pain does get a little easier.

My heart goes out to you and hang in there we are all here for you

Grace

Edited February 16, 2006 by Charlie

[charlieslove]

Grace is right. By 6 months the reality is starting to sink-in. I'm on 15 months today and things(most of the time) are better. I actually had a short conversation with my sisterinlaw, about him, the other day and didn't even get teary-eyed. (if I had said much more I probably would have...) Ya know, it's hard to even remember when I was on 6 months, at this point. To me the first year was such a blur.

I truly am sorry to hear, John, that you're in this pit. I think you'll find, in the future, that you fall into pits off and on. We all have such a long road ahead of us. I'm glad we have each other to "walk" with!!

My thoughts are with all of you!!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004)

[kayc]

It's been 8 months for me this Sunday...and I am finding it is getting harder, not better. It's like before I focused on doing all of the tasks that needed to be done and worked so hard at grieving and on my attitudes and trying to make positive choices...now I am just left alone with my grief, the stark reality of life without him, the striking difference between my sweet George and everyone else...what a unique and special man he was. It's hitting me again and again and slams me with its reality.

It's hard enough doing without all of the things he did, the loss of his income, his taking care of the vehicles and the home maintenance, his brawn, his supportiveness and attentiveness to my mom and children, but the thing I miss the most, what's really hard, is missing my best friend and lover, for he was a wonderful husband to me and we were each other's biggest fans. I miss the look in his eyes, his smile, laying my head on his chest, the smell and comfort of him. I miss his sparkle, his personality, the life he brought to all of our lives, and especially into our home. I miss sharing life with him.

[spela]

John,

when I look back - it's been more than a year for me - it seems to me that at 6 months it was worse than ever. That was the time when I didn't want to live anymore - now I can say this, I couldn't talk about it before. What helped me then was a friend - from this forum - who knew how i was feeling though I didn't dare to tell her, but she knew becasue she was feeling the same way. It helped me to know that I was not alone. That there's at least one person who understands and who feels the same way. Which also made me feel a little better about myself - that maybe I wasn't a horrible person because I wanted to die. We are grieving and we shouldn't expect too much from ourselves. You have given us so much of your positive energy. Thank you. But it is ok if you're not always positive. It is normal, whatever you feel. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to feel sorry for yourself. And no, it won't last forever, peaceful days will come again.

[kayc]

I have to say "amen" to that. I think in a way I've grown stronger...at least a little more assertive about vocalizing myself. No one understands what we are going through unless they've been there themselves and no one has the right to expect anything or judge us for how we're handling it. We do need to be understanding of ourselves. There's times all of us don't feel like going on or don't see the point, but we haven't acted on that, we're still here, we're still trying to have positive focus. I thank God for leading me to this site and for each and every person on this site. I think I might have gone crazy if it weren't for all of you letting me know that these feelings are normal and that I'm not alone. None of us are alone, Dusky, we have each other to understand and pray for each other and care. That doesn't bring things back like they were or make up for our loss, but it does mean a lot all the same.