just one month ago

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Tell me if this makes any sense.  Often when I am down in a grief moment if you will, I cry so hard inside, I mean inside my abdomen, that the muscles tighten around my ribs and it really does hurt physically. Your whole body cries. Not just your eyes. Thankfully it passes.

IGwen, if she ever said she loved me back, there in the dark, I would also die of a heart attack.....but what a way to go!

Makes perfect sense to me.  I've been in places I cannot lose it and can feel,physically so off I can't wait to get out and see if it will pass or needs release.  It is like your whole body is encompassed in the emotions.  I know many things I feel are from bottled up grief.

As for what a way to go.......yup, would be a heck of a way to make an exit.   

[kayc]

My mom had a couple of lucid moments in her Dementia.  Example, my sisters hadn't been to see her much the last couple of years, and my mom was going fast.  I called them and told them if they wanted to see her again, they'd better hurry.  Even so, I had to practically force them, more for their sake than hers.  Anyway, we walked in, and she was sitting up in her wheelchair, thrilled to be the center of attention, and entertaining us by singing Patsy Cline's "Crazy"!  I didn't know she even knew it as she never sang or listened to anything but hymns.  She rallied for that hour and that was the last time my sisters saw her.  Of course she made a liar out of me, they never did see her when she was real bad, but that's okay, it was good they got to remember her like that.  The next time I saw her she was like she was in a coma, her mouth open, not cognizant of anything, yet a couple of times she responded to me ever so slightly.  I think she had one foot out the door, then she was gone.

[Margm]

@kay, Mama wavers from significantly sane for about three seconds and then she is gone again.  I have not heard her talk about her five husbands lately.  I think she did it for my benefit because Billy had passed away. She would say they were all healthy when she married them but died anyhow. She noticed I had been crying.  She said "you've  been crying, it is hard."  Made me cry more until she asked my sister if the DC superheroes on her Tee shirt were pictures of her kids.  I tried to get her from her bed to the wheelchair this morning, was very perplexed, turned my back for a second and she was sitting in her chair perfectly.  My daughter tried transferring her from couch to chair and both fell.  Kelli asked "Maw, are you okay."  She said "Yes, are you okay?"  Sometimes she is here for a few seconds, then she is off in space.  When Kelli comes in her face lights up like she is so happy.  Still, caring for her is very hard.  She is on hospice and will be 95 on June 2nd.  She will look at me and call me her pretty baby.  Alzheimer's is sad. All significant illness is hard, but this just drains the brain.  Mama has always had a few screws loose, as long as I have known her, so this just slipped up on us.  She was keeping her own checkbook a couple of years ago.  If I had been as business savvy as she was, I would be a billionaire.  Well, maybe just a millionaire.  This is Louisiana..   

[kayc]

I learned so much through my dementia journey with mom.  It definitely pays to hang on to your sense of humor, you need it!  Yet as hard as it was, I wish I could have her back, dementia and all.  My mom had some loose screws to start with so it slipped up on us as well.  Her mental illness made it difficult to recognize dementia when it started...until it got so pronounced there was no denying it!  (Like forgetting to wear pants to the store).

[Cookie]

On March 30, 2016 at 8:18 PM, KATPILOT said:

Tell me if this makes any sense.  Often when I am down in a grief moment if you will, I cry so hard inside, I mean inside my abdomen, that the muscles tighten around my ribs and it really does hurt physically. Your whole body cries. Not just your eyes. Thankfully it passes.

I always wake for the day in the dark, even in summer. That first awareness that I have, other than  I'm still alive, is that she's gone and I miss her. Five years exactly the same but I am so accustom to it that it doesn't make me so sad now. I just get up as I have even when she was still asleep next to me, I get ready for work, and tell her I love her as I leave. What's missing is kissing her cheek.  But Gwen, if she ever said she loved me back, there in the dark, I would also die of a heart attack.....but what a way to go!

Katpilot:  I totally agree.  If I saw or heard my husband, it might scare me to death but I would gladly welcome it.  Yes, the grief type of crying for me is very different than crying used to be.  For me, it used to be cathartic; now I cry and it hurts all over, but I'm still sad after, that which never seems to go away.  

[Gwenivere]

I miss those cathartic tears.  Don't know what happened to them but hope they come back.  If I have to melt down to my core, I sure want to feel better after.  Isn't that the point?

[WolfsKat]

On ‎3‎/‎30‎/‎2016 at 10:53 PM, kayc said:

 I think she had one foot out the door, then she was gone

Kay....when my Mom died, I think it was the same............much of the family around her, knew the end was very near.....she seemed very impatient, agitated.....at one point, she said "You don't understand, they are WAITING for me!".....when asked who, she said "Roe (my dad), Ma & Pa (her parents), they are waiting on me!"  Then, later.......at the end, she suddenly said "Let's get this show on the road".....then, opened her eyes briefly and said to all...."You know I love you"....closed her eyes again and died.  I think it was if she could see them.....the ones waiting....but could not quite reach them yet, and it was irritating her.  But.....she wanted to reassure us that she loved us before she could finally join them.