just one month ago

[kayc]

Mitch, my husband's family disappeared after his death too.  So did our friends.  I am truly alone.  This is a time in which you need friends and yet it's the hardest time in which to make some.  We are forever changed.

After church yesterday, I came home and felt truly alone.  Not a good feeling.  My daughter did surprise me last night by calling, yet I never heard from my son. My kids have their own lives now and make their own plans.  For me it's different.  I posted elsewhere about this, feeling very alone.  I almost think it'd be easier to stay home than go to church on Easter because to see the families together, see ladies wearing corsages, and know you are forgotten and uncared about, it's a very hard feeling.  The truth is, no one in this world ever cared for me like George did and there is no replacing that.  Others may care to a lesser degree, but it's a way lesser degree.  Well, glad Easter is over!

[mittam99]

3 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I think Mitch it's sad when your brides family disconnects with you. I had a similar situation after both her parents passed. They don't realize or give much thought to the fact that you were someone who was and still is very special. You took care of her, loved her, gave her joy and happiness at the worst time of her life. They miss out on talking with the one who was closest to Tammy.

All so true. It's almost like I've become the "ex-son in law" and "ex-brother in law" and ex-uncle".

I guess I no longer exist in their world. I distinctly remember Tammy's sister telling me how grateful the family was for how I loved and tooked care of her sister. That was before Tammy's health started to go bad in 2007. As Tammy's life threatening medical ordeals happened more and more often, I could feel her family getting colder towards me. 

Her mother never liked me. She was a very strict, old school midwesterner (from a town of 200 people) and I was the east coast city slicker that stole her daughter and granddaughter away to Maryland. In Tammy's family, her mom ruled the roost. Tammy's dad was the opposite. He was a funny, easy going guy. Tammy adored him. It was his death in 2013, that sent Tammy into a depression that she never really was able to come to terms with.

Losing Tammy has broken my heart into a million pieces. I ache for her every day. To function in this new life of mine, I draw strength from her amazing smiling spirit, her unbelieveable courage and her unwavering zest for life.

[iPraiseHim]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

 I almost think it'd be easier to stay home than go to church on Easter because to see the families together, see ladies wearing corsages, and know you are forgotten and uncared about, it's a very hard feeling.  The truth is, no one in this world ever cared for me like George did and there is no replacing that.  Others may care to a lesser degree, but it's a way lesser degree.

Kayc, you are so right.  My wife loved and cared for me so well. Nothing can replace that.  My sister tries and stays in contact but it is just not the same.  I decided to not go to church for Easter because of the Church brunch afterward, the church lady always trying to find a job for me to do, and knowing I'm that "widow guy".  I was restful and happy at home not feeling pressured to conform to the standards of others.  I make decisions more now on what I really want versus what other people expect of me. 

I still plan to go to church next week.  Shalom

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Better than driving off a cliff, which was on my mind a lot, and even though I could never do that to our daughter, it didn't stop it, or all the images of him in the last days and minutes.  it is ours alone and honestly, really really honestly, I don't know how many of you have survived as long as you have. You all are so strong.

Patty-

We are existing/surviving simply one moment at a time. Those moments add up to minutes and then hours and then days. I don't think any of us feel strong we are just focused on making it from morning to night and then from night to morning. Just like you. Wanting to join our loved ones is a common thought. I find myself working hard at staying healthy all the while wishing a tree would fall on me. 

Over time we will find ourselves focusing less on joining our loved ones and more time figuring out who we are without them. 

[Margm]

SCBA, your note to Patty, I would like to "like" it twice.  And now I don't know where it is or where I am either.   It was just right above this one.  Oh well, I pulled one of my single (by myself) rides today looking for a certain landmark I have not visited in probably 20 years.  I went through this tiny town going in circles.  Even talked to a town cop who told me how to go.  Never did find it.  I love going down strange roads, but I hate going back over one I just came down.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, hollowheart said:

This. Exactly. And it might be why I stay so mad. I feel like I'm floating in space, can't get a grip on anything. When I was job searching it was a similar feeling. That "what do I do with my life" feeling. My therapist tries to help me get centered, but it's not really working.

I have read so much about your anger and know it is more compelling than other emotions because it provides energy.  But I really wonder if you are harming yourself more keeping it alive.  Is it possible the work with your counsellor is not working because you are fighting it by hanging onto the anger which really won't gain you anything but (in my opinion) more grief?

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

Over time we will find ourselves focusing less on joining our loved ones and more time figuring out who we are without them. 

And that task is monumental.  I don't think I've ever faced a harder challenge.  If there is one, I don't want to know!

[kevin]

KayC and Mitch, all my inlaws have left me, and-there  was alot of them. I sincerely think I am a trigger for their Grief.....Now there was a lot of second guessing and finger pointing at the time, but I do believe its more of an out of sight, out of mind way of dealing with Angela's passing...with that said,I am in no hurry to patch anything up in the near future...have a good evening

[kevin]

"

I do Like The Way These Lyrics....And it Talks All  ABout Our New Lives

Grief rides quietly on the passenger side
Unwanted company on a long, long drive
It turns down the quiet songs and turns up the din
It goes where you go, it's been where you've been

And pushing your empty cart mile after mile
Leaves you weeping in the wilderness
Of the supermarket aisle
And in the late night kitchen light it sits in a chair
Watching you pretend that it's not really there

But it is, so it is and you ask
Are you predator or friend
The future or the past?

It hands you your overcoat and opens the door
You are learning the world again just as before
But the first time was childhood
And now you are grown
Broken wide open, cut to the bone

And all that you used to know is of no use at all
The same eyes you've always had have you walking into walls
And the same heart can't understand
Why it's so hard to feel
What used to be true
What's now so unreal

But it is, so it is and you say
I wish I were the wind so that I could blow away

Grief sits silently on the edge of your bed
It's closing your eyes, it's stroking your head
The dear old companion is taking up air
Watching you pretend that it's not really there

 

 

 

Read more: Mary Chapin Carpenter - Learning The World Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

[Cookie]

On March 26, 2016 at 0:08 PM, Brad said:

Yes Cookie, I feel that way every day.  I awoke this morning, like every other morning with a hollowness in my gut and a sadness in my heart.  I know that today, like every day, I will cry.  Today, like every day I will gaze at Deedo's pictures and talk to her; mostly telling her how much I miss her.  I am not who I was nor who I wish to be.  I too remain hopeful.  I work diligently every day trying to push this process along because I hate feeling this way.  Everyone deals with their grief differently.  I push myself.  I, like Kevin, donated both her clothes and mine to White Dove (Hospice of the Valley thrift store) but then there are cupboards that I can't bring myself to clean out containing things that I'll never use.  I have left all of the pictures of Deedo and I together on the walls and added a few more myself, it does give me comfort to look at her while I'm talking to her most of the time; sometimes it is rather crippling.  There are times I allow myself to be very sad for cathartic reasons, typically in the morning when I have a cry time.  There are time when I am sad all day long, typically on days when I did not sleep well the night before.  But every day I am still moving through the paces missing my Deedo every second.

So Cookie, you see that while you are waiting and I am actively pushing to get through this quagmire we are both at about the same place; empty, lonely, sad, hurting, fractured.  I too am hopeful that someday I can wake up without that feeling in my gut and heart.

 

Kevin - Just a note of interest.  The first recorded Turn, Turn, Turn.  Bob Dylan wrote the song but that was before he started to release his own work.

 

Brad:  I enjoy reading your posts because you articulate your feelings so well.  I talk to John all the time too but without the pictures, as when I've looked at our albums it's taken me down every time.  I do have a few pictures of the two of us in my/our bedroom, which for some reason are easier to see.  He is always with me, and yet nowhere to be found--that is the feeling all the time.  Yes, mornings are the worst.  That hollow feeling you talk about is always with me in the morning.  Mornings were always the most wonderful, warm and cozy times with my husband, and just the beginning of another great day with him in it.....

[Cookie]

On March 26, 2016 at 0:41 PM, kayc said:

Nine months, in my perspective now, IS early days.  It takes so long to even absorb what has happened, let alone figure out "what now".  George and I were only married 3 years 8 months, after it took a lifetime to find each other, and it seemed like we just got our life put together, only to undo it all again?!  Very unfair!  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him!

Kayc:  That had to be so difficult....my heart goes out to you.  I had 46 years with my husband, and it still wasn't enough.  Yes, it is all so unfair.......

[KATPILOT]

9 hours ago, kevin said:

KayC and Mitch, all my inlaws have left me, and-there  was alot of them. I sincerely think I am a trigger for their Grief.....Now there was a lot of second guessing and finger pointing at the time, but I do believe its more of an out of sight, out of mind way of dealing with Angela's passing...with that said,I am in no hurry to patch anything up in the near future...have a good evening

kevin that is a very real possibility. My sister in law tried to keep me away from her parents because she told me my presence was upsetting to them reminding them of their loss. How messed up is that?  Meanwhile Kathy's dad would call my house sometimes during the day just to hear his daughters voice answer the phone. He never left a message but caller ID.

[hollowheart]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I have read so much about your anger and know it is more compelling than other emotions because it provides energy.  But I really wonder if you are harming yourself more keeping it alive.  Is it possible the work with your counsellor is not working because you are fighting it by hanging onto the anger which really won't gain you anything but (in my opinion) more grief?

I don't know. I'm just angry, frustrated and irritated all tied together. I'm tired of being tired. I want to move on and have a life but can't. The last two night I couldn't sleep and thought nothing but of her all day and every time I woke up at night, which couldn't put me back to sleep. Then I'm tired and sleepy and cranky for work, and I have been messing up there due to lack of focus.  I'm sick of being sad, I'm tired of trying to keep myself busy. I thought last night, 'how much more of this can I take? How can I live like this for another 6 months let alone decades?'

I worried a lot before, it's ten fold now. I want to think about something else other than my misery and empty life.

[KATPILOT]

hollowheart, you're tired. When you can't sleep everything magnifies and of course you can't do your job well. You need sleep and somehow you have to get it. That should be your top priority right now by seeking medical assistance or over the counter. I took two Advil PM's and it knocked me out for a few hours. Take the time to take care of yourself. 

When we have rested, grief becomes a little more tolerable. Don't focus on the future. It will take care of itself. Focus on now. You will be okay. I promise you it will ease.

[MartyT]

HH, have you considered the guided imagery CDs I suggested a while ago? I really think it's worth a try.

I find this one especially helpful when I have trouble sleeping: A Meditation to Help You with Healthful Sleep. If you click on the link, you can listen to a 3-minute sample to get a sense of what is on it. The voice belongs to Belleruth Naparstek, noted expert in guided imagery and post-traumatic stress relief.

Stephen is right: If you're not getting enough sleep, your entire outlook on life is affected negatively. There's a reason why sleep deprivation is one of the most commonly used forms of torture . . .

[Guest]

I have an app that I use. There are a series of meditations and the one I use most is Sleep Well. I'm at the point now where I'm not listening to the voice, I mute her, but I'll play the background music on a loop and drift off to that. It has been effective on those nights when I can't turn my brain off. 

[KATPILOT]

Brad I get so tired from working long hours that when my head hits the pillow I am already asleep. What happens though is I get just enough sleep (like two hours) and my brain gets me awake like it was ready to start thinking about things again, like the fact that I am alone on the bed. It doesn't always happen but I usually get up, open the screen and read what a lot of you are writing. Then I go back to bed and fall asleep. I really don't mind it though because my favorite part of going to bed is falling asleep and I get to do it twice in a night. 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Cookie said:

Yes, mornings are the worst.  That hollow feeling you talk about is always with me in the morning.  Mornings were always the most wonderful, warm and cozy times with my husband, and just the beginning of another great day with him in it.....

As much as I hate the suffering we are all going thru, it's very validating to me knowing others find mornings so hard.  No matter if I had a good or bad nights sleep, the first thought is always he is gone.  That it will be another day without him in any way.  While getting dressed today I thought I would give anything to hear him say good morning.  I'd probably drop dead from a heart attack if he did, but it was such a deep desire.  Usually I lament it.  Today I wanted it so much.  

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

As much as I hate the suffering we are all going thru, it's very validating to me knowing others find mornings so hard.  No matter if I had a good or bad nights sleep, the first thought is always he is gone.  That it will be another day without him in any way.  While getting dressed today I thought I would give anything to hear him say good morning.  I'd probably drop dead from a heart attack if he did, but it was such a deep desire.  Usually I lament it.  Today I wanted it so much.  

Yes, every morning I wake up I remember my reality. She would text me every morning too and I miss hearing that Ding. She loved Wonder Woman and the Theme Song was my ringtone for her. I so wish to hear that, knowing she is calling me.

I've been playing a video game where this girl discovered she could rewind time. Mostly moments, but she just discovered she can go back years. Of course you know what I was thinking. The game wants to note the Butterfly Effect of changing past events and how that can alter so many other things and I was thinking 'nope, wouldn't care.' No way would I NOT do that if I had that power. Future events be damned.

I would live with the consequences, whatever they may be. So long as my sister was back.  I would go back and change all of our histories. I would not care about the ripple that would create. It couldnt' be worse than how we are living now.

[Cookie]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

As much as I hate the suffering we are all going thru, it's very validating to me knowing others find mornings so hard.  No matter if I had a good or bad nights sleep, the first thought is always he is gone.  That it will be another day without him in any way.  While getting dressed today I thought I would give anything to hear him say good morning.  I'd probably drop dead from a heart attack if he did, but it was such a deep desire.  Usually I lament it.  Today I wanted it so much.  

I know so well what you're saying.  The yearning is so intense it hurts physically....

[KATPILOT]

Tell me if this makes any sense.  Often when I am down in a grief moment if you will, I cry so hard inside, I mean inside my abdomen, that the muscles tighten around my ribs and it really does hurt physically. Your whole body cries. Not just your eyes. Thankfully it passes.

I always wake for the day in the dark, even in summer. That first awareness that I have, other than  I'm still alive, is that she's gone and I miss her. Five years exactly the same but I am so accustom to it that it doesn't make me so sad now. I just get up as I have even when she was still asleep next to me, I get ready for work, and tell her I love her as I leave. What's missing is kissing her cheek.  But Gwen, if she ever said she loved me back, there in the dark, I would also die of a heart attack.....but what a way to go!

[Patty65]

The mornings are really hard as well.  I was always up and out first too.  If he stirred at all (most days) we'd kiss goodbye.  And always say "I love you".  And now its just wake up with the realization and this deep sinking in my chest. I still reach for him even though I've been clutching his pillow all night. And then the tears, especially on my drive to work.  My eyes are permanently red and puffy with dark circles.  I guess its the new me.

When he was in Hospice and I'd come or go each day, I would kiss him goodbye, he would pucker his lips for my kiss, and I would say "I love you". But because the tumors were in his brain, he could not find the words to say "I love you too" back to me like he ALWAYS would.  Except for one day. February 18 in the morning.  5 days before he was gone.  He puckered up, gave me my kiss with his eyes still closed as I leaned down, and he said it.  "I love you too."  I'd been so so missing and waiting for that, and silently hoping and hurting so deeply to hear that again with every kiss goodbye.  And I got it.  One last time.  I told everyone, I was so happy and hopeful that morning.   I will always, always treasure that moment.

[mittam99]

For a long time I didn't see Tammy in my dreams. Recently though, I've had a number of dreams with Tammy in them. All of the sudden, there she is, alive and with me. Things seem right again... it's so comforting and so real..

Then, out of nowhere, my alarm goes off and reality hits, Tammy's side of the bed is empty and it's the start of another day of grief.

Mornings are the hardest it seems. Then again, it's not like afternoons and evenings are easy!

 

[kayc]

I had a meeting Monday with an insurance agent over our church's insurance policies, and he told us if we ever have trouble sleeping, just try reading the policy!  It's over an inch thick...

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Patty65 said:

Except for one day. February 18 in the morning.  5 days before he was gone.  He puckered up, gave me my kiss with his eyes still closed as I leaned down, and he said it.  "I love you too."  

Same thing happened with us.  He had been thrashing and incoherent for days.  I turned my back to look at the picture of us I had in his room and he said it.  I could hardly believe it.  Then he was gone again into the place he was.  It was his final gift to me.  I so wanted to hear that and did.  I've heard of people doing that, becoming coherent just long enough to say something they really want to and go back into the dementia or whatever.