just one month ago

[Patty65]

i hope I am not posting too much. my support system is so minimal, one close friend, a therapist.  the only face to face grief support is Hospice, and i have issues with hospice, i can't go back there. not yet, maybe not ever.

one month ago i was with my honey. he was still alive, it was his vigil. i held his hand, waiting to feel it go cold, knowing it was coming. i stayed on the love-side not the despair-side every second i could. i played our favorite songs. i told him it was ok to let go. but to stay close. that i would look for him in orion's belt. he died while No Ordinary Love by Sade was playing.

i want this nightmare to end. i want to wake up. i want to be with him. nothing nothing nothing about my life i want.

[brat#2]

Patty

You are not posting too much and I understand about not having a support system.  I haven't been able to find a grief support group in my local area, not even Hospice, can't afford a grief counselor, family lives in other states, friends have either moved or have no contact, so this where I come and it is such a comfort.

I'm sorry you are in such pain, but it was wonderful that you stayed on the love-side of it.  I too, for his last 6 days, even though he was not responsive, stayed on the love-side and held his hand, caressed him, talked to him, kissed him, so he would feel the love and not the despair that was coming.  I wanted to wake up from the nightmare too and still do.  I wish I could tell you it will get easier, but I believe it will take a long time, but we can do it together.  Hugs

Joyce

[Cookie]

I also am having trouble support where I live.  The grief support groups are spotty, once a month maybe, and the people that are in them seem so much like cheerleaders instead of grieving people sharing.  I'm usually hearing how well everyone one is doing--they have their jobs, their grandchildren, children, etc.  It just makes me feel more alone.  I am seeing a therapist who says you just have to feel the pain.  It's been 9 months for me and I am really feeling the pain even more than before.  This is a very hard thing to go through and sometimes I wonder if I will get through it.  Good wishes to you both...warmly Cookie

[kayc]

Your grief therapist is right, there's no way through this but to feel it and experience it.  Nine months out and reality has set in, so it's not surprising you feel it all the more.  Yes, you'll get through it, but I can sure understand your wondering...it's not for the fainthearted, that's for sure!

[hollowheart]

Patty, you're hardly posting to much. I'm always here and I didn't even lose a spouse! So I'm glad that you can come here and find comfort. Like everyone else, I also agree that I have minimal support. I just want someone to talk to like I did before, it's just like torture to not have what we used to.

Cookie, I think what's worse than no group at all is a group where everyone seems like they are doing just dandy and it seems like they are just meeting up for something to do. I feel like if everyone is not on the same page it won't work.

I am on this job forum and I told the people about my loss and I was grumbling (as usual) and one girl goes "you seem depressed" and she mentioned a book I should read. I don't know why, but I got pretty miffed about that. I'm thinking "Yes, I AM depressed. I think I have a reason to be!" While I appreciated her book suggestions, it just made me angry. I do try to be positive about suggestions, but sometimes it pisses me off like reading a book is going to make everything alright.  I guess I'm just not there yet.

[Gwenivere]

2 minutes ago, hollowheart said:

 I do try to be positive about suggestions, but sometimes it pisses me off like reading a book is going to make everything alright.  I guess I'm just not there yet.

There are defunitely no quick fixes in books or articles.  But I have read stuff that has at least help me feel more normal as that is very hard to judge when this traumatized.  I'm selective and pass on any 'rah rah' stuff.   But like some of the articles Marty has posted have helped me see I am not going insane, to forget about timelines and many other things we can forget when it's dark and late at night and we feel life just isn't worth living anymore.  

I agree if someone TOLD me something was going to fix me, I would have a problem with that.  Always keep in mind these are people that try and help even if we didn't ask.  That is what I focus on now.  Telling people not to do that.  If I need or want their opinion or help, I will ask.  Getting angry anymore just uses up too much of what little energy I have.  

[Patty65]

hi cookie, i have been afraid i would encounter that or be that person... i could totally see the benefit of face to face... but a forum is much more comfortable as I write easier than I share face to face. i really really wonder too.

[brat#2]

Patty, I agree this forum is much easier for me too.  I'm not good at the face to face thing either, especially with a stranger.  The support I feel here is great and is helping me a lot.

Joyce

[Guest]

23 hours ago, Cookie said:

 and the people that are in them seem so much like cheerleaders instead of grieving people sharing..... This is a very hard thing to go through and sometimes I wonder if I will get through it.  

Janice- I am so sorry that has been your experience with support groups.  Mine have been just the opposite with the rare exception of that person who feels the need to dominate the conversation.  Typically there will be around twenty-five people all grieving for someone important to them, mostly spouses but some children and some parents.  Some share, others listen.  Some have been coming for a year or two, others it is their first time.  Tears are typical but then there is always some laughter.  Like here, it is a ccommunity of people trying to make sense of their lives now.  There are no panaceas for grief relief in the group, just hugs, warm consoling touches and lots of understanding.  Some groups are more focused and productive than others but people do reach out.  For me they have been very cathartic and it saddens me that you have found something different.

I know what you mean about gettting through it, there are times, days, where I wonder if I want to get through it.  It is the hope that someday my life will once more make sense, the hope that someday I will wake up with a modicum of joie de vivre, some day I will find the strength to move upwaard and forward from abyss I find myself in now; that keeps me searching.  I believe you too will get through it.  I believe that someday you too will find yourself.  That is my hope for both of us.

[iPraiseHim]

 

6 hours ago, Brad said:

.... It is the hope that someday my life will once more make sense, the hope that someday I will wake up with a modicum of joie de vivre, some day I will find the strength to move upwaard and forward from abyss I find myself in now; that keeps me searching.  I believe you too will get through it.  I believe that someday you too will find yourself.  That is my hope for both of us.

I would like some of that too, "joie de vivre".  Now I need to do a search and find out what that is that I have been missing.  lol... {:>}

[kayc]

joie de vi·vre

ˌZHwä də ˈvēvrə/

noun

 

1. exuberant enjoyment of life.

[Guest]

[kevin]

Joy and Sorrow Can Coexist       But I do agree reading a book cannot fix anyone of us.......Grief cannot be fixed,remedied , or gotten over...It's with us forever. My strategy and I believe there is Light out there is very simple. It's how we manage the triggers.........don't go to your favorite places, eat favorite foods, clear out some of the cloths(respectfully), paint the kitchen, life needs minor make over.All these suggestions have been written....and of course, moving, lock stock, and barrel...My make over included Bowling League,Ball Room dancing, full time Church goer, Volunteered Shelter,, and cardio fitness regiment(screwed up my knee)....I might be running or hiding from something, but busy keeps Grief at Bay....Good luck to all  

[kayc]

Kevin, that is so true, and especially for those of us who have suffered loss and carry it with us the rest of our lives.  It is desirable to find and appreciate joy at whatever level, sometime or sometimes in the life we have left, and thus it coexists.  For me that joy exists in my animals and in my granddaughter, in my sisters and kids, even though I don't see them as often as I'd like.  To me, joy is in seeing elk and deer.  Lately I've been able to see a lot of young calves running and playing, and they are adorable!  I love nature and getting to see wild turkeys, rabbits, etc. is special to me.  I love the sunrise and seeing the trees silhouetted dark against the backdrop of the sky.  This is what feeds my soul...nature and animals.  George and I were alike in this way and enjoyed sharing nature together.

[Cookie]

19 hours ago, Brad said:

Janice- I am so sorry that has been your experience with support groups.  Mine have been just the opposite with the rare exception of that person who feels the need to dominate the conversation.  Typically there will be around twenty-five people all grieving for someone important to them, mostly spouses but some children and some parents.  Some share, others listen.  Some have been coming for a year or two, others it is their first time.  Tears are typical but then there is always some laughter.  Like here, it is a ccommunity of people trying to make sense of their lives now.  There are no panaceas for grief relief in the group, just hugs, warm consoling touches and lots of understanding.  Some groups are more focused and productive than others but people do reach out.  For me they have been very cathartic and it saddens me that you have found something different.

I know what you mean about gettting through it, there are times, days, where I wonder if I want to get through it.  It is the hope that someday my life will once more make sense, the hope that someday I will wake up with a modicum of joie de vivre, some day I will find the strength to move upwaard and forward from abyss I find myself in now; that keeps me searching.  I believe you too will get through it.  I believe that someday you too will find yourself.  That is my hope for both of us.

Brad:  I am jealous of your grief group....I have met several widows outside any group that have been a real comfort to me and are real sharing people.  I met this one woman who is 2 years out from losing her precious husband.  She said she was frozen for almost 2 years, lots of crying and sadness, but just a couple of months starting making strides and actually had memories that brought her peace.  So, it is possible, just hard to imagine when you feel so bad all the time.  One thing I realized I am doing is waiting....I have this feeling every day like I'm in a hold pattern and I'm wondering if on some level I'm waiting for him to come back or waiting to feel normal.  It was a type of epiphany for me.  That might be why I feel so off-balance all the time and bad in the mornings.  Do you feel that way at all?  I'm trying to remain hopeful.  Thanks for your words...warmly Cookie

[kayc]

I think it's common in the earlier part of this journey to feel like we're waiting for them to come back or to wake up from a bad dream...now I feel like I'm waiting to be with him again.  Meanwhile I live as best as I can but something is still missing...him.

[Cookie]

27 minutes ago, kayc said:

I think it's common in the earlier part of this journey to feel like we're waiting for them to come back or to wake up from a bad dream...now I feel like I'm waiting to be with him again.  Meanwhile I live as best as I can but something is still missing...him.

Kayc:  It's strange to hear you say early part of this journey; it seems like it's been forever for me at 9 months.  People like you help me think I might get through this.  Boy, it's a tough one.  It is hard to believe there is a time when you might feel good when you feel this bad.  Thanks, Cookie

[kevin]

Caution, wee bit Biblical Roots....We are in one of these "Turns..Pick it"................ "Turn! Turn! Turn!"
 

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!

 

   

1.  
2. THE BYRDS

 

[kevin]

 

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, Cookie said:

One thing I realized I am doing is waiting....I have this feeling every day like I'm in a hold pattern and I'm wondering if on some level I'm waiting for him to come back or waiting to feel normal.  It was a type of epiphany for me.  That might be why I feel so off-balance all the time and bad in the mornings.  Do you feel that way at all?  I'm trying to remain hopeful.  

Yes Cookie, I feel that way every day.  I awoke this morning, like every other morning with a hollowness in my gut and a sadness in my heart.  I know that today, like every day, I will cry.  Today, like every day I will gaze at Deedo's pictures and talk to her; mostly telling her how much I miss her.  I am not who I was nor who I wish to be.  I too remain hopeful.  I work diligently every day trying to push this process along because I hate feeling this way.  Everyone deals with their grief differently.  I push myself.  I, like Kevin, donated both her clothes and mine to White Dove (Hospice of the Valley thrift store) but then there are cupboards that I can't bring myself to clean out containing things that I'll never use.  I have left all of the pictures of Deedo and I together on the walls and added a few more myself, it does give me comfort to look at her while I'm talking to her most of the time; sometimes it is rather crippling.  There are times I allow myself to be very sad for cathartic reasons, typically in the morning when I have a cry time.  There are time when I am sad all day long, typically on days when I did not sleep well the night before.  But every day I am still moving through the paces missing my Deedo every second.

So Cookie, you see that while you are waiting and I am actively pushing to get through this quagmire we are both at about the same place; empty, lonely, sad, hurting, fractured.  I too am hopeful that someday I can wake up without that feeling in my gut and heart.

 

Kevin - Just a note of interest.  The first recorded Turn, Turn, Turn.  Bob Dylan wrote the song but that was before he started to release his own work.

 

[kayc]

Nine months, in my perspective now, IS early days.  It takes so long to even absorb what has happened, let alone figure out "what now".  George and I were only married 3 years 8 months, after it took a lifetime to find each other, and it seemed like we just got our life put together, only to undo it all again?!  Very unfair!  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him!

[scba]

It is very unfair

[Gwenivere]

Cookie, I am in the same place.  Last night I realized I feel 'stalled'.  I keep hearing about all this 'waiting' and for months I have been questioning what I am waiting for.  Certainly less pain and tears, but after that....what?  That I will somehow be OK living without Steve?  I'll find some reason to still be in this life thing?  I can't even begin to know what answers I am looking for when I don't know the real questions I am asking.  So I focus on the little things to try to help.  When will my stomach stop making me feel so sick with sadness?  When will the anxiety attacks calm down so I am not always on edge?  When will coming home feel more comforting instead of dreaded?   Will I ever adjust to not having him here to talk to about anything that happens?  Will those anything harpy happens ever mean anything because he is not here?  Unfortunately the little stuff keeps me in original problem.  

I had read the 2nd year could be harder.  It's turning out that way for me.   I cannot ever fathom feeling normal again.  My life was a connection now gone.  One that will not return.  So I feel paralyzed.  I don't see me turning into some kick butt bad ass widow that takes on the world again like a superhero.  I mostly feel I am taking up space.  What I see happening is finding out if I can accept a life that will never be full again. Can I find that reason enough to truly feel some good things?  I guess that is my biggest question.

[WolfsKat]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Nine months, in my perspective now, IS early days.  It takes so long to even absorb what has happened, let alone figure out "what now".  George and I were only married 3 years 8 months, after it took a lifetime to find each other, and it seemed like we just got our life put together, only to undo it all again?!  Very unfair!  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him!

Kay......like you, I feel so so very cheated!  It took me over a half century to "find" Connor......we had a bit less than 5 (wonderful) years together......married just 14 months......we both "knew" we were meant to be together......the term "soulmates" is hackneyed, overused.....yet, in our case, very true.  We were quite giddy with the sense that we'd (finally) found the other part of us we'd been missing all of our lives.  While I am so grateful for our time together.....the "WHY?" is what rips me apart.......WHY separate us?  WHY kill him?  WHY give me this perfect love, only to rip him from me?  WHY am I/him/us being punished by tearing us apart?  WHY not just leave us alone to be happy in life together, and hopefully, pass on together? WHY us??????  No answers..........at least not in this existence.  But.......while I may....at some time long into a nebulous future.....feel a bit more at peace or some such thing, I truly do not believe I will ever, ever get over my anger at the injustice......we harmed no one.....tried to be good souls......all we wanted was to have each other......I keep thinking it is MY fault.....he has passed over.....he is free from this world's hurts......he has evolved......free from pain.  I am left behind to endure this neverending pain.....what great sins am I paying for, for this horrible punishment?  In the space of one year, I lost my big brother......then my beloved Ma......I got through it because I had Connor with me.....then, Connor is taken?  Had I not suffered enough?  Had I not bled enough?  WHY this unending buffeting of pain and loss?  I have no answers......

[kayc]

You see, that's where I differ with some, I do not think there was some grand reason "why" George was taken from me.  I do not think it's my fault, or his.  I do not think it's fate.  I think it just "is".  Some are luckier than others.  We knew each other 6 1/2 years, and we are soulmates, I never felt that way about anyone else, nor did he.  We were meant to be together, but I don't feel in any sense of the world we were meant to be ripped apart or cut short.  Same as some are born rich, some poor, some healthy, some sick, it's luck of the draw.  I don't think any of us here deserved what we got.  But oh thank God we got to know the one we love and at least got some time together!