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Widowedbysuicide

How do you survive the suicide of your lifelong love?

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Marita, You are on my heart and in my prayers. I remember the 11 month after my wife's death and was discouraged and disappointed that the grief wasn't over, settled, or resolved.  My second year of grief has been just as challenging as the first year.  Each of us is different and processes grief differently.  What KayC, said in an earlier post is spot on.  I am just doing my grief work,  feeling the feelings as they come and doing my best to live in today for it is truly all I have.  The two things that cause me more grief is comparing my life to the past with my beloved wife and expectations I have with people, events, and time. 

The other major lesson is to take the time to care for myself as well as I took care of my wife, her mother, an several other people in my life.  I am just now beginning to set some simple achievable goals for myself.  I have hope that in time I will find my purpose and will feel better than I have the last 21 months.  I can see some progress from the beginning "Shock and Awe"  of my wife's sudden death. 

My prayer is you will find peace, acceptance, and discover your purpose.  Please give yourself permission to relax and take care of yourself.  You will be in my daily prayers.  Many people here care for you and share your grief.  You are not alone.  Feeling are not always facts but many times they do point us to the truth we need to discover about ourselves.  - Shalom, George

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Thank you George.

I haven't been very active here for some time.  I'm sad to see that there is so much pain being suffered by so many on here.  My iPad was recently damaged and I lost my passwords.  It made me realize that my understanding friends are here.   I missed being here.

Dec. 5th marked 11 months with a broken heart.  I'm not looking forward to the next month as it will be so many of my firsts all in a short time.  I'm no closer to knowing why Gord chose to end his life.  I want to live not just exist.  Yesterday my mother in law passed away and I had to face the family again.  They have no idea how much pain I have and they are not interested.  In speaking to my mother in law's body I could only say that she would be seeing my husband before I would, before I got so choked up I couldn't speak.  There were three family members with their parners there and not one made any effort to comfort my son or myself.  Now I'm thrown back to last Jan. 5th and I am so lost, broken, and alone.  My heart breaks for my son and I am worried about his ability to cope with another death of someone he loved.

There is no one here on this forum without pain.  I am sorry for everyone.  I just wish that there will be peace here on earth and that God will look upon us all and help provide some healing, and comfort.  Prayers for all, but extra prayers for Butch and family.

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Marita, I am so sorry to hear all this.  It could be that his family is so crippled emotionally they don't know what to say or do, some people really do not have a clue.  I'm sorry you're having problems with you iPad too.  I use my Kindle when I travel (my lap top is super heavy) and last time I couldn't get it to work right, it can be frustrating.

Your poor son, first his dad, then his grandmother.  My prayers go with you both.

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Kay, you are so very dear.  Thank you for your posts and comments past and present.  Your story helped me understand many things.  I wish you were right about my in law family.  Maybe there will be a miracle and they will understand.  Actually, I want Butch to have a miracle.

 

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Marita, anniversaries are tough! Tomorrow, Dec 9th is our wedding anniversary.  This will be the second one without her.  It is more of a remembrance now than a celebration for me because I still miss her presence. I have begun to understand and accept that this grief is another dimension of the love we shared.This time of year, I'm just going through the motions. My wife loved Christmas but each year as she got weaker so she spent more energy just in trying to live each day and it took away all her energy for anything else. 

I know how painful the grief is in the first year because I lived through it.  By fellowshipping here, sharing, caring, and just expressing what is going on inside my head somehow helps to deal with it, especially the dark days. for me, the pain and grief causes me to search and discover what I am supposed to be learning through the process.  There will be better days.  My hope is in Christ alone as I lay may burdens down.  Most of the world (outside of our Grief group) do not grasp the pain and finality of grief and loss at our level.  They have no point of reference.  

Yes there is pain, sorry, and grief shared here, but also, hope, understanding, compassion, and love.  I pray you will find your way through this grief maze and all who read this.  I have learned much about myself and others here.  I hope you can find a way to stay connected to our group so we can continue to listen, pray, share and hold you up. - Shalom, George

 

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Thinking of you today, George...I know it's not a "Happy Anniversary" for any of us after we've lost them, but my mind does go back to the day we married, on our anniversaries, as I remember the happiest moment of my life, and I hope that when that memory surfaces for you, it will bring you a smile.

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Hi Marita.

I'm sorry about the anniversaries and the pain you suffer from members of your family. Solace can always be found here.

January 11th is my one year, 6 days later than yours but in the same ballpark.

Let's get through the next few weeks. We can do it.

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so sorry for your pain, i can't imagine what that must be like.
thank you for writing in my post and as you read i am dealing with one of the deaths of this year being a suicide of a friend. this is the first time really dealing with this type of loss which is quite different then the others. i'm just now starting to sort it out (happened in june) because it was the end of a series of tragic and unsettling events.
i am open to talking about the feelings associated with suicide if you ever want to.
i know we have different circumstances but we share the darkness that goes along with it.
hugs to you.

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Thank you alittlelost.

Yesterday was a hard one as it was for my mother-in-law who passed last week.  I had not seen most of the people there since before my husband's death.  I feel like I am starting over with the shock and devastation of his suicide.

I want to put 2016 in the past and I truly hope 2017 will be less traumatic and more settled for me and every one else.

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Marita,

I'm sorry about your MIL, it's hard when we just seem to keep losing people we love.  You're in my thoughts.

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Another year has passed and I often wonder how I have survived this life.  I am into the third year as a widow - I hate it.

Butch's recent suicide has shaken me as it has so many others on the forum.  For me it underlines the fact that the person who made the decision to leave life isn't the person that we thought we knew.  

Some deaths are easier for me to comprehend than suicide or murder is.  With a death from a health issue I was able to be angry with the disease or a the medical procedure or the medical professionals.  Death from a car accident... I can feel anger towards the other driver or a mechanical problem.  The ability to blame allows me to have a target for anger.  Since my husband was murdered by mental health who can I blame?  Who can I feel angry with.  I can not feel angry with my husband.  Not with the man who was my friend then my mate for nearly 50 of my 60 years.  I also can not blame the husband who hid his depression and instability.  I wish he would have talked to me or someone else.  I have turned the blame and anger on myself.

Most people have no clue of the damage suicide does to those left behind.  It is as if we carry a suicide germ so people turn away from us.  What makes anyone think that we don't need support?  When people lose someone to death there usually is some empathy given.  When you lose someone to murder there is an outrage that is a strange type of empathy.  Suicide is self inflicted murder yet there is no justice for the family or the deceased.  

I may be way off balance here but this is my writing of my story and I don't feel balance in my life.  My husband would be turning 59 on Monday.  This is the third birthday since he died.  Valentine's day is coming again too.  

I wish there was a place that people like me or Katie & Allen could write about our feelings and thoughts.  Suicide isn't pretty but I still have the need to talk about it.  Holding it in, keeping all it secret is hard.

I feel like crap and just wonder if I will ever stop with all the self blame.  Yes, rationally I know better but emotionally I'm damaged.

 

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4 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I wish there was a place that people like me or Katie & Allen could write about our feelings and thoughts. 

I hope you know that this is a place where you can do that, Marita. We are here, we care for you, and we are listening. Without judgment. Without blame. Without condemnation. Without reproach. 

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5 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Another year has passed and I often wonder how I have survived this life.  I am into the third year as a widow - I hate it.

Butch's recent suicide has shaken me as it has so many others on the forum.  For me it underlines the fact that the person who made the decision to leave life isn't the person that we thought we knew.  

Some deaths are easier for me to comprehend than suicide or murder is.  With a death from a health issue I was able to be angry with the disease or a the medical procedure or the medical professionals.  Death from a car accident... I can feel anger towards the other driver or a mechanical problem.  The ability to blame allows me to have a target for anger.  Since my husband was murdered by mental health who can I blame?  Who can I feel angry with.  I can not feel angry with my husband.  Not with the man who was my friend then my mate for nearly 50 of my 60 years.  I also can not blame the husband who hid his depression and instability.  I wish he would have talked to me or someone else.  I have turned the blame and anger on myself.

Most people have no clue of the damage suicide does to those left behind.  It is as if we carry a suicide germ so people turn away from us.  What makes anyone think that we don't need support?  When people lose someone to death there usually is some empathy given.  When you lose someone to murder there is an outrage that is a strange type of empathy.  Suicide is self inflicted murder yet there is no justice for the family or the deceased.  

I may be way off balance here but this is my writing of my story and I don't feel balance in my life.  My husband would be turning 59 on Monday.  This is the third birthday since he died.  Valentine's day is coming again too.  

I wish there was a place that people like me or Katie & Allen could write about our feelings and thoughts.  Suicide isn't pretty but I still have the need to talk about it.  Holding it in, keeping all it secret is hard.

I feel like crap and just wonder if I will ever stop with all the self blame.  Yes, rationally I know better but emotionally I'm damaged.

 

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Marita,

It is okay to be angry, mad, etc... at your husband.  FEELINGS are neither right or wrong but it is how each of us process our grief. 

I love my wife dearly, yet I am angry that she refused to try and change what she was eating, taking different supplements, etc...  to try to get healthier.  She was just not able or willing to do it despite my best intentions.  Love conquers all is a myth.  A great byline in a movie but doesn't ply out in the reality of life.

I  am angry at myself for not being able to persuade her either.  It's odd how I blame myself for her actions/inaction's.  I think it is my attempt to feel like I have some control over the situation. 

I am approaching the three year(death)aversary of my beloved in two weeks.  I was thinking that I am gradually becoming more accepting of the reality of life.  I was thinking the Shock and AWE of her death was diminishing... it is ... sort of.

Marita, you are welcome to share here your particular grief.  It is what has helped me to come to some peace and healing with grief.

This group is compassionate, loving, and good listeners.  Your sharing can help you and others. I posted Shock and Awe for almost three years to help me and possibly help anyone else going through grief to realize that they are not alone.  I am so grateful for this group.

 

We are here for you and we deeply care.  We understand grief from the inside out. We  will listen.  <<<HUGS>>>  Shalom 

 

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Marita,

Please turn your anger on anyone but yourself if you can, you don't deserve it.  Suicide is a disease that no one seems to be to blame for.  Yes we can be angry with the person who pulled the trigger but even they are victims in their own quest to find peace.  I hope you know you can write about it here.  We may not have any answers but we have a pair of spare ears, and our hearts are open to you.

13 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

For me it underlines the fact that the person who made the decision to leave life isn't the person that we thought we knew.

Most people have some part of themselves they don't feel like letting on to others for fear of judgment or not knowing how to convey it in a way it'd be understood.  It doesn't mean the person you knew for 50 years wasn't who you thought when he said and did things with you.  It meant that there was another compartment he hadn't revealed to you.  One you couldn't do anything about, because in the end, all we can control is ourselves.  :(  

Those "special dates" can be so hard to get through.  By now you're past that one for another year, thankfully.  (((hugs))  Love you, Marita!  

George,

I get your feelings about your wife not taking better care of herself.  I forbade sugar in the house.  I fed my husband healthily, yet when he was out (away from me) he'd buy candy bars (Diabetes).  Diabetes contributed to his heart attack.  We are not responsible for their choices, we can only love them and let go of their shortcomings.  They honestly didn't get that they'd die so prematurely because of it.  Many of us go through some form of denial (failure to address reality) in our lives, this was theirs.  I went through the anger stage, but I guess I've let it go because I haven't felt it for some time.

 

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That could have been written by any one of us, the lament is so common, so normal in grief.  Your answer was perfect...it's okay to feel as they did and okay to express it.  That's what we're all here for.

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@MartyT I think the forum is great for most of my grief and healing.  But I feel the need to talk about the manner of death.  Not talking about it just reinforces that it is a 'bad' thing.  

I don't think any of the current forum topic areas are appropriate because much of what I need to get out isn't something you want to accidentally read.  It is disturbing and not good for those who are depressed.

I absolutely thank everyone for their support here.  But if you haven't been there you don't understand.  I'm not saying it is worse than any other type of loss.  It is just different.

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Maybe we need a suicide section.  We could have a good article as a sticky at the top for people to start with.  

And I would venture to say it's compounded and if that doesn't make it seem worse, I don't know what would.  I'm sorry, Marita.  I wish Sunstreet was on here, she survived the death of her partner, also to suicide, and she learned a lot about suicide, worked very hard at her grief, I would think she would have a lot to share.  You might try messaging her.  Her name is Carol.

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We can always add another forum, Kay, but as you know, most people tend to stay in one particular forum without ever checking the others. I think that survivors of suicide loss have so much to teach us about this particular kind of loss, and I'm concerned that setting up a separate forum would isolate them even more.  Carol Ann (Sunstreet) graced us with her presence and her willingness to open her heart and soul to all of us, and I think we all benefited from her experience. (You can find her content here: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/profile/577-sunstreet/content/ )

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This is my opinion only and is not in any way directed at anyone.  In my awkward way, I am only expressing my own thoughts as I deal with my own grief of Butch’s suicide.

I believe that to keep adding new threads will only isolate us when that is the last thing we need as we deal with our grief.  In the early months of the loss of my beloved Jim I only went to the thread Loss of Spouse…it was only later that I started to read what others are going through in other threads and in doing so I found comfort in the discussions.  Most of us have all experienced different losses and what I found was that when I visited a different thread I began to respond to someone who was going through a very recent loss ~ the loss of a parent, the loss of a child, the loss of a precious animal, behaviors in grief, anticipatory grief, etc…reading what someone posted found me responding to something that touched my heart and I found myself able to share my own experiences. One of the things I have learned about grief is that it is not isolated into categories rather it is a universal word that means something that touches our very souls.  Yes, different losses demand attention in different areas but the grief is the same. 

My example of what I am trying to say is what happened when our Butch took his life a short time ago.  I have been with him for most of his time here on our forum.  He had suffered tremendous losses during these last few years. His story can be read elsewhere for those interested but for me, it does not need to be isolated for his story is not only about suicide. His story is about loss ~ the loss of his beloved Mary, the loss of his grandchildren, and the loss of family members before his Mary’s death. If I had not gone from reading only about the loss of my Jim I would not have had the privilege of meeting the warm, caring, sensitive man Butch was.  I would not have gotten to know members of his family and smiled at the precious antics of his grandchildren. Who can forget those precious photos? 

Perhaps because I have lived a long time and I have experienced many different losses I am able to empathize with those who find themselves here who have recently lost a parent or a spouse, or a sibling, or a friend, or a pet, or who are anticipating the loss of someone important in their lives, or who are struggling with their own thoughts at this time. I feel very honored to have shared their grief on this forum.  I believe it has made me a better person. 

It was a while before I found myself reading the different threads under Loss and Grief on our main page that I began my journey of healing.  My grief will always be with me and now I am doing something about it.  “Knowledge is Power” and reading about our grief does give us the power we need to first of all deal with our own grief and then perhaps walk with someone else who is new to it. We never know what someone might say that is just what we needed to hear.      

Butch’s suicide has touched me deeply.  I am struggling since this is the first person I have known who took his own life.  Because I got to know Butch as a person and walked with him through many of his losses he is more to me than a person who died by suicide.  I will now work to understand what happens when someone as special as Butch was makes the decision to think that his way was the best way.  I am glad that I know Allen, Butch’s son, and Katie, Butch’s DIL, because I will continue to be here for them ~ not only because someone I know has chosen to end his life but because I have others I know who have lost parents and children and who need our continued support that we are able to give because this forum is here for us who after all are “family” in a very special way.

With Love,

Anne 

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Thank you, dear Anne, for sharing your perspective. I'd love to hear from other members about all of this ~ including our reactions to Butch's tragic death. Grief that is shared is grief that is diminished . . .  

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On 2/4/2018 at 8:47 AM, Widowedbysuicide said:

But I feel the need to talk about the manner of death.  Not talking about it just reinforces that it is a 'bad' thing.  

You can talk about it...I'm here and I'm listening.  

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