I am watching my girlfriend's life unravel!

[kayc]

Good way of putting it, ChinUp 

10 hours ago, ChinUp54 said:

An opportunity will present itself for you to let her know how you learned so many interesting things about her dad while doing what SHE asked you to do.

I Don't Believe This, Thanks for the clarification, that makes more sense now.

[I Don't Believe This]

Stuck in Salt Lake City airport for a while so I thought I would thank both of you for your advice.

I announced the birthday surprise through a text while she was at work. I chose that because she had told me she was going to be speaking with her employers about a leave of absence and I wanted a date on her radar.

I said.

I have had a birthday surprise planned for you. I have been planning it since March. I was never just going to spring it on you suddenly because it requires some prep on your part. But recent events have been making me think about how this surprise might impact how you feel.

I have made arrangements for you, me and your son to attend the 500mph land speed record attempt by the turbine engine super car I told you about in February. If you don't remember 5500 units of turbine horsepower awesomeness.

The event is the week after your birthday and I wanted to make it a gift for you. Had your father been able I would have invited him too.

Part of me thinks about going and how it would be a way to not only celebrate your life, but to do it in a manner that your father would whole heartily approve of. Another part of me wonders if it would be just to painful for you.

The plans are not set in stone. I can cancel at any time, even at the last minute. I will completely defer to your wishes and feelings about this.

I wanted to tell you because you may need to plan a day or two off work.

She replied.

I need a lot more than a day or two for this. I am talking to my boss next week. I will let you know.

She met me at my temporary house to drop my son and I at the airport. We held each other's hands for a moment and hugged goodbye when she said to me, "We will make this work out."

Each small interaction she takes a tiny step back towards being us again. I know the road is going to be much longer. Especially with the illnesses looming over her family. But I will keep holding onto my hope for our future and give her a lot of space for the next few weeks while I go sell a company and start three more.

[kayc]

It sounds like a positive response, and that is good!  We are so rooting for the two of you!

[ChinUp54]

Well done! Yes, we're rooting for you.  I so want to see an ending with the two of you staying together and being stronger as a couple having navigated this difficult time in such a healthy way.  You give me hope! Thank you!

[I Don't Believe This]

I should add that I did not bring up anything about my effort to learn about her father. Wisdom of waiting was heard.

[ChinUp54]

I believe that's wise of you - she's simply too raw and vulnerable right now in my opinion.  I would hate for it to blow up into something completely unintended. Enjoy your weekend!

[I Don't Believe This]

Girlfriend lost her dad's mother today. Her exact quote to me was she doesn't know how to feel.

I was with my girlfriend when she last visited her grandma in April. Her grandma was in late stages of dementia and the visit was not pretty. Grandma was asking for her son (girlfriend's Dad) but he was in hospice after his fall. (Why we were in California)

I know from other conversations that my girlfriend is feeling a mixture of relief and loss. I have asked if she would like to talk but it won't be until later.

In the larger picture, my girlfriend has two more family members with pending illnesses. But these two family members report a year or more life to live. I am hoping that they will make those reported timelines and my girlfriend will have a break from this. Not a break from the mourning process, but a break from weekly news that someone else has passed.

[kayc]

Wow, I can't imagine so many losses in one year.  It's very normal to feel relief and sorrow at the same time, esp. when one had dementia or something else lingering.  It's hard to know how to feel.

[I Don't Believe This]

I have relayed this whole story to others, like my sister and mother. I am becoming used to the look of incredulous confusion. I have had friends question this asking me if this is really happening and are these people really passing or is my girlfriend just engaging in some elaborate ruse to create drama and be the center of attention.

I read the whole story and hardly believe it myself. The reaction from others at first report of her dad's fall was supportive and understanding. Now it has reached the point that weariness of the tale has people no longer interested in hearing more.

I go through this whole story and wonder how many people read it and think that I am making this up as I go. Months of anxiety about my relationship and watching someone I care about suffer greatly is brutal to say the least. Even I feel weariness at dealing with the emotions her life's turmoil is inducing upon me.

She has lost eight people in nine weeks. As much as I know there is an end ahead, it feels as if this will go on and on in perpetuity.

[MartyT]

My heart just hurts for you, my friend. I hope that sharing your story here with us, as it continues to unfold, offers you some small measure of relief and comfort. 

[kayc]

I don't believe this,

That people would question you or doubt what you relay about your GF's multiple griefs is very sad indeed.  I don't think one could or would make this up, that would take a very sick person indeed and you know her better than anyone.  I'm sorry anyone would doubt it.

I have never felt you were making anything up, and my heart just goes out to the both of you and her little boy, because it affects you all.  I just know if you make it through all this with your relationship intact, you can surely make it through anything in life together.

Yes, an end is in sight.  When we have something happen over and over again, it's hard for us to believe that.  It reminds me of when I had a car that broke down again and again and again, largely because of the screw ups of the place working on it.  I finally traded it in on another one because I felt I couldn't depend on it anymore.  She must feel she can't depend on LIFE anymore!  If only she could trade up, but alas there's no solution for grief but to go right through it.  If she will ride it out, she will make it and that's where all my bets are laying. She has you by her side and that is worth a whole lot.

[I Don't Believe This]

Thank you, both of you, for those kind comments. For the record I never had the impression that those whom have commented did not believe the story, it is reactions I see from others and I can see where a random reader could have the same impression.

When I started writing this down here I was also in disbelief. Now, six weeks later, having left Montana at her request, I feel the wear and a bit of apathy towards the situation has set in.

My brother in law asked me last night what the plan was. We are both business minded people and make lots of plans. My honest answer was, "There is no plan."

[kayc]

I'm sorry.  I think right now the plan is there needs to be flexibility, which is probably hard for someone who likes to have a plan and strategy in place.

[I Don't Believe This]

Her ex husband is in the hospital. It doesn't look like it's the end but he has been in and out of the hospital frequently. I feel bad because it is summer, her son has no one there, and she had to drag him to work with her. She asked me to be elsewhere, but entertaining her son through the day is a tangible way I could actually be helpful.

[kayc]

Hopefully she'll be able to see how much help you have been and could be.  It may feel scary to her son that his dad is in the hospital.

[Widowedbysuicide]

On July 6, 2016 at 0:56 PM, MartyT said:

My heart just hurts for you, my friend. I hope that sharing your story here with us, as it continues to unfold, offers you some small measure of relief and comfort. 

You are in my thoughts.

[I Don't Believe This]

So we are on a temporary technology enforced no contact. It sucks but it is no one's fault.

Our contact has been limited to give her space but she has been having trouble with her phone for a few weeks. Normally we engage in morning talk on her commute but the Bluetooth has been cutting in and out on her phone. One she purchased new in May.

About 10 days ago the calls stopped. Last Tuesday when I sent a text and asked how her day was she said that she was on an angry call to Apple. Friday I get a very welcome phone call where she explained that her phone was busted and it could be days to weeks before Apple replaces it.

Our conversations have been limited to small talk and just keeping up with status but it is lonely not hearing from her. She sent me an email yesterday which we replied back and forth a couple times but she is a phone and text person, not much of an email person. Email is too much like work for her.

[kayc]

That has to be hard.  Could you do FB chat?  At least it's back and forth and quicker than email.  Or maybe Skype?

[I Don't Believe This]

She uses her phone as her internet connection. Skype, Facebook etc are all through the mobile device. No phone = no connectivity for her. 

So not only can she not contact me but everyone she cannot contact anyone she normally has connections with.

She sent email through work computers. I suspect I will get an email or two through her work account during the week.

[ChinUp54]

May I join in everyone's heartfelt thoughts on your situation.  I have been on vacation and just now saw the updates here.  It has to be frustrating for you both with her phone difficulties and I hope resolution comes sooner rather than later.  I also hope you are taking good care of yourself in the meantime.

[I Don't Believe This]

Brace yourselves for a long and ugly one.

I have been visiting family for a week. Since I left Oregon 14 years ago, my family does not communicate with me, at all. Most of the time it is an out of sight out of mind mentality, but occasionally I hear something like - "Well since you are not here we just don't make the effort to keep you informed." Every time I visit I learn about all the events I missed. I am posting this here to get it off my chest.

My very first post in this story alludes to some serious problems in my extended family structure. Most of it hasn't changed and I left 14 years ago to raise my kids outside the influence of my extended family.

I have known that many of my family members are ill for some time. As much as I would like to have my girlfriend next to me to share this, I know it would only add to her current grief. But here goes

I noted this in another thread but my grandmother is suffering from the early stages of Dementia. She is now living with my mother who is acting as caregiver but not, in my opinion doing a good job. I come back to Oregon to find out mom left grandma alone to go to the store and she got lost in the house and fell down a flight of stairs. She is ok - now. The fall was months ago but I was never informed. Nor was I informed of mother's two strokes that occurred while grandma was with her. 

In addition, my aunt is on her death bed. She is diabetic and suffering from renal failure. But this is not what really irritates me. Her husband is abusing her. Yelling at her to get out of bed. Throwing things at her while she lays there. Refusing to give her juice or sugar when her blood sugar falls. Refusing to give her medication.

The police have been involved, called by neighbors, but my aunt refuses to bring charges against him. Her kids (my cousins) are no longer willing to get involved. They have tried and given up. My aunt has essentially given up on life because her husband has been emotionally abusing her for the last 40 years, and 

One of my uncles is also very ill. While he is ill he is raising a grandson abandoned by my cousin. 

I cannot wait to leave again - one more week of work here to finish.

Unfortunately - my connection with my family is so broken its more stressful than causing me feelings of grief. Other friends and family have passed and I don't find out until I return for another visit. Only my grandmother will be missed. 

One shining little piece of joy in this visit. My sister is 10 weeks pregnant. They just heard the heartbeat for the first time today. 

I had to tell this to my girlfriend because she loves babies. So I called her at work and simply said - Hi, my sister is having a baby and there was a brief bit of happiness over the phone. But in my excitement I didn't think that it might make her feel bad because her sister who is in stage 4 cancer was planning to start trying before the diagnosis earlier this year.

[I Don't Believe This]

I need to add that my sister is over 40 and this is her first pregnancy to have a heartbeat after a couple miscarriages (both had no heartbeat at 10 weeks). So there is still risk ahead, but everyone is very happy. Also - myself and my girlfriend are the only ones who know. They are not telling the rest of the family for a couple more weeks. 

[kayc]

Well I am hoping with you that this pregnancy comes to fruition!  She must be very excited!  I'm sorry if it caused your GF distress, but then when you're grieving, and her in particular with so many different losses, almost anything can cause her to think about them and upset her.  It's not your fault because you shared some good news with her.  It's just her world right now.

About your aunt, it's hard to believe the police would do nothing if SHE doesn't press charges!  One of the fallouts of having  been abused for so many years is you're too scared to do anything.  Could you contact Senior Services and give them the information?  They may be able to find a safe place for her to live out her time.  And your grandma should be cared for by someone who isn't having strokes and leaves her alone.  It's too much for one person to take on the role of caring for someone with Dementia.  It takes a whole network of people, particularly the further along the person is.

It must be hard to get all of this information at once instead of doled out little by little like most people would get it.  

[I Don't Believe This]

It makes me feel bad to watch my family implode. Not because it is imploding, but because I simply cannot feel anything for them anymore. When I am not in Oregon I speak with my mother maybe once or twice a year. I spoke with my grandmother much more frequently but now she cannot use a phone independently. My sister is the only member of my family I ever communicate with on a regular basis.

As much as I am hurting because my girlfriend is grieving, it is also something I love about her. She genuinely cares for people and loves the people in her family. I lost that so long ago. I worry that if I tell her these things, not only will it make her feel bad but it will make her think less of me because I can no longer care for my own family. I am not hurting because my family is going through losses. I am stressed out because I have to be here and people expect me to deal with it and then leave me out when I am not here.

I also don't want to tell my girlfriend because she would be compelled get involved. She is a caregiver - not by profession, but by nature. I watched her care for her dad. She cared for grandma, she is even caring for her ex-husband as he passes. Her ability to love these people. Even those who have wronged her (her father was abusive and alcoholic) is something I admire. 

I love her, I feel the pain and grief of her pulling away in her pain, but I cannot feel it for my own family. I fear she would look at that and not understand how I can possibly be like that.

[kayc]

I hope you give yourself one big dose of understanding!  Not all families are created equal!  I came from a very troubled home as far as my parents, etc. go, but was very lucky sibling-wise, we were always there for each other, I think because we had to be growing up!

Your GF's experience is very different than yours so while it might be hard for her to understand your responses, she can surely understand that you didn't get the same dose of nurturing, etc. from your family that she did from hers.  It all contributes to how we have learned to survive and thrive.