The only regret

[Witheverypieceofme]

It'll be 10 months on the 18th since my love died. I can't help but relive the day of the accident...every chance I get. I am completely torn and feel like I have been getting worse - the shock wore off. I've always been the type of person to listen and help others, and all my friends/family expect that since I was so good at taking people I should be fine by now... not like they have said that to my face but it is pretty clear. Crazy how the friends you had with your spouse tend to dwindle down... the first couple months I had tremendous support and now I can only count on one hand how many times I have seen each of my friends. I tend to be pretty thankful for the life I had with Lucien, and had no regrets about our relationship whatsoever, we were perfect in my eyes and I know he saw that too. I still live in the house we lived in together and I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. I see his dresser and his side of the closet everyday untouched and just cant quite get to the point where I feel okay dismantling everything he had. Being friends and/or dating since 2005, it feels like every place I step there's a memory with him.

The thing that tears me apart the most is the day leading up to his death. We were on day 3 of camping and riding our dirt bikes in the sand dunes with a big group of us, about 25 or so. The day was going great until my bike started having mechanical issues and I wasn't quite comfortable to ride anymore. We all got to a meeting point and I told Lucien I was going to head back to the campsite because I needed to figure out what was wrong...he told me he would come with me and I refused and said to go have fun with his friends.  We said "I love you, see you in a bit" to each other and I rode back to the camp site while he went back with the group. That was the last time I saw him. My friends came racing back to grab me and said that Lucien was in an accident with his friend's truck while riding and was about to be air lifted to the hospital. We drove 20 minutes to the ER, waited and waited as I planned out how I would take care of him no matter what and we would get through it. I kept hoping to hear the sound of the helicopter coming, but it never showed up. He died in the dunes while I was rushing to the hospital thinking he would be there.

I could have agreed to him coming back with me. I should have just said "okay".

[mittam99]

Believe me, I understand the anguish that you're feeling. The sense of regret or guilt that plays on your mind. My wife Tammy died unexpectedly last March 6th and it felt like my life ended with hers. We were madly in love and inseparable.  She was my everything.

I too have wrestled with the feelings of guilt. Those "what-if's" have played on my mind. But here's the thing. The only thing you were "guilty" of was loving your Lucien. Sadly, life is unpredictable and unscripted. Even if you had told him to come back with you there's no guarantee that something like this wouldn't have ever happened. Truth is, you were being selfless and loving when you told him to have fun with his friends.

As far as feeling somewhat abandoned by family and friends, join the "club". So many of us have experienced the same thing. Most people just aren't equipped to handle someone else's grief. That's the great thing about members here. We do understand what it feels like and we can help.

Mitch

[KATPILOT]

We are so haunted by that question What if? I think it happens because we understand how a different choice would certainly have changed the outcome. That is a hard realization to live with.  The truth will always be that we have no awareness of the future. We can live as safe a life as possible but you can't see the unexpected.  Were someone to invent a time machine, the biggest demand for it would be people who have lost someone and wanted to go back and make a different decision. The line would be long indeed.

Witheverypieceofme you are still quite new on this grief's journey and you will see his things that surround you change with time. Unless you have a need to move, don't rush. Things will soften as time goes by and the love you had which still remains, will bring happy times among the sorrow. I am surrounded by my wife's things and now more than five years later, I'm so glad to have them. I feel more joy just to touch them than the sorrow they once evoked.

[brat#2]

As was stated above, we all feel that feeling of guilt.  What could I have done differently so the outcome would be different.  I would have done the same thing, would have told him to go ahead and have a good time with his friends, even if I couldn't, I have done that on numerous occasions, you just don't know that anything could go wrong.  Again, you are not alone with the friend situation, I haven't heard from any of "our" friends since Dale died a little over 11 months ago, I guess they just don't know what to do or say so they just stay away.  I spoke to them on the day he died and that was it.

There is no rush to move and sort through his things.  I have not touched anything of Dale's, except got rid of the medicine, everything of his is still in the exact same place it was where he put it.  At first, yes it did hurt to look at them, but now I find comfort seeing everything the same way it was and so glad I haven't done anything with his things.  You can do that when you are ready.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

I echo what was said here, no need to worry about his stuff, it can wait.  Some find comfort in seeing things the way they were, and if you do make any changes, not until you are ready for them.  I still have my husband's dish that he threw his trinkets in, I just find comfort in finding that there, along with the things that meant something to him up on the wall.

[Widowedbysuicide]

You are in my thoughts and prayers.  

Much of your story with regrets, friends, loneliness, and grief are like my story.  

I wish none of us had this cruel grief journey to make.

Marita

[KATPILOT]

I wish so too Marita. I wish so too.