Struggling

[Forever His x]

Granted since the day this happened i have been struggling , there have been no good days or even better days but have been worse days , today is one of them days , i dont want to be here anymore without him i could quiet happily just end it all now . whats the point ? 

had my first session of therapy yesterday , it was "ok" just getting to know each other and the situation and he said a few things that made me think hmm yeah ok , but i find it hard that his trying to help me and with my way of thinking yet my answer to everything is just bring him back ! . thats all i want there is no other way of dealing with this . 
and when people go to me oh you seem better than you did last week , Because !! i have started to put small amounts of make up on my reason for this is he though i was so beautiful without my make up and said i didnt need it , so why should others get to see me how he loved me , so its like putting a mask on but no others dont get that its just to hide away from everything and in a weird way respect for him , but oh dont worry im doing better because i got mascara on and i spoke today ! 

i dont understand how my body is getting through the day how is it even moving , how am i meant to live the rest of my stupid stupid pointless life without him at the age of 24 brilliant . 
yes i have our son to look after and i get that he is so important to me the reason i am doing what im doing , but for my self not him or other family for my self , what is there now . 

i well and truley give up .

[rdownes]

I am so sorry you are going through this there is no easy answers, I know how you feel the one thing we want we can't have our soulmate back, my Kevin has only been gone two months and I have days where I feel like I can't take this pain anymore but the next day there I am getting up to face another day, I have had a neighbor tell me a week into my grief glad to see you are doing better because I was not crying I felt like screaming I am not ok I feel like my heart is ripped out, unless someone has gone through this they will never understand I have accepted that,  I wish I had a magical word to tell you how to make it through your day, all of our grief is our own what I have learned is we just do, for me it is alittle easier to get up now I no longer have the shock of him not being here when I get up. I tell myself he is gone and I will not have him physically by me anymore and it brings me to tears but I listen to his music everyday and I hold his love for me close in my heart everyday, I talk to him both in my head and out loud I have so long to go in my grief journey but I truly believe we can find a sense of peace if needed just take one breath at a time my heart is with you and understands you pain 

[Margm]

My daughter is pasting pictures of Billy all on Facebook.  Pictures of me and Billy smiling, even grinning, happy pictures.  She gets comfort from this.  It rips my mind and heart asunder.  Yet, how can I stop her from getting the attention this brings to my sorrow?  We all respond to this catastrophe differently.  This is not where we wanted to be in our life.  All of us on this forum are struggling in different ways, but we are trying to adjust to our loss.  Like you, I wanted to follow him.  I did not want to be stuck with all these responsibilities.  The moving to another state, my home state, nearly did me in, but it was my choice.  I really thought I had no choice.  My daughter craves the attention and adoration that sorrow brings.  I want to crawl in a hole.  Human nature in this sense makes that old saying of the apple did not fall far from the tree a lie.  Yet, I am on here, I post pictures, so maybe I am wrong.  We don't want to be here and some have left, maybe they leave because it hurts to read all of this, maybe misery does not always love company.

One thing about it, we all hurt, we all hurt in different ways, yet the pain is the same pain.  Please keep posting and reading.  I don't know if we can find help, but maybe we can.

There was a cardinal sitting on the railing outside my window.  I am in the city, in an apartment building, I guess cardinals come here too.  I wish I had my magical, mystical imagination back.

Stay awhile, maybe you can get some relief.  I hope so..  I hope we all find some semblance of peace.

[Gin]

Keep struggling!  Do not given up.  I know how very hard it is for you and all of us.  My Al has been gone almost 10 months now and I can not believe I have made it this long.  He was my everything and I miss him so much.  I have been plagued with health issues since he died and it is horrible not having him with me.   Keep posting here and you will get support.

Gin

[kayc]

This is how most of us felt early on.  Little by little as we begin to process their death and all of the changes it makes for us, we adjust and learn to cope and every once in a while a little glimmer of hope or a smile ekes in.  You're not there yet, but I'm glad you have the little one to give you incentive to keep going even when you're not feeling like it.

Like Gin says, keep struggling, do not give up!  I'm glad you're able to give voice to your feelings, it's important, and we do hear you.

And of course makeup is no indication of how you're feeling and doing, but it's all that they see so that's their perception.  We know the reality.

[KATPILOT]

If you have your son as a reason to keep living then that's okay. Whatever we have to keep us trying, one day it starts to make sense. One day you see that you are still alive even though you never forget. The first visits in therapy are always learning who each other is. One cannot help or be helped without that knowledge. I'ts good you are doing that and though I am sorry for why, I'm glad you found us.

[bluelady]

I can totally understand your feelings.  The love of my life passed away in October of 2014 and I still miss him so very much.  I was so numb in the first few days, I couldn't even make a decision about his casket.  Like you, I only wanted to be with him, no matter what it took.  I am a gun-carrying grandma and there were many times I wanted to use it on myself, just to be with him, but I simply could not do it.  People who have never lost the love of their life, can in no way, identify with what we feel.   I know widows who have been widowed for as many as eight years and they haven't even gotten rid of their spouses clothes yet.  I don't want to be that way, but I am surely headed in that direction.  Although I have given away some of his clothes, I still have a closet filled with them, which I am unable to part with.  I have to admit that I am better today then I was a year ago, but I still love him so very much and still miss him like crazy.  I have to assume that this will always be the case, but I will learn to live with those feelings.  I also attend a Grief Support group for widowed people only, which meets every week.  This has helped me more than anything, listening to others about how they coped.  You can also learn that here.  Coping is not easy, but it is possible.

Hang in there and keep visiting this site and reading about what others do to cope with their grief.  We all have to walk this grief journey alone, but there is help available from others, who have been where you are now.

Linda

[Forever His x]

Thankyou for all replying , 

it shocks me how your all suffering your own grief yet your still there for others its so nice . 

i went to the doctors yesterday about my medication for this situation i know it wont cure anything but i need to try everything for my thoughts for our son . 
So im up for everyone having different beliefs but they should never be pushed on to anyone especially being a doctor ! she said that things happen for a reason and that things happen in this life due to what happened in a previous life whilst i was sitting there crying , is she for real , then asked personal details she didnt need to know . so i was angry and shocked frowned and answered now im annoyed at myself as i feel i let her bad mouth my partner . as if there isnt enough in my head already . but how dare she say that being a doctor ! .

im still in two minds with my living arrangements and i understand how everyone says time helps ect but i cant see how time just means its been longer since i have seen him and been in his arms . the memories are hard as there everywhere and i cant make new ones . 
so stay in the house so he knows where his baby is and where his growing up or move area so i can move forward with our son ( never moving on ) . 

i know no one can answer that just getting it out of my head sort of thing . 
just dont get how this is "life" i dont want to be a part of this cruel way of " living " .

[kayc]

Forever His x

I would speak up to that doctor and tell her that it's inappropriate to push her beliefs onto someone in their vulnerable situation!  Then I'd switch doctors.  You don't need to answer personal questions just because someone asks you, not even a doctor.  I'm so sorry you had this bad experience.

You need to do what you feel is best for your peace of mind, whether moving or staying, but keeping in mind that if you move, you can't change your mind and undo it.  Are you seeing a grief counselor?  These are the kinds of things you can talk over with a grief counselor and get some help working through the right decision for you. ( I think he'll know where you and your baby are regardless.)

My home is a place of comfort to me, partly because we did live here together, but I can understand where someone newer in their grief might feel differently and want to change things if they're a reminder/trigger for you.  They usually say wait a year for major changes, I'd stretch that to two from what I know of grief.  Even so, that doesn't mean the same answer for everyone, you have to do what is right for YOU.

[Dew's Girl]

On 7/20/2016 at 3:24 AM, Forever His x said:

i dont understand how my body is getting through the day how is it even moving , how am i meant to live the rest of my stupid stupid pointless life without him at the age of 24 brilliant . 

I know this feeling well.  My heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  I could barely keep myself together and you have a little one to care for was well.  It must feel so overwhelming.

For me, it felt like my body was betraying me by continuing to function.  I wrote a post about it here: http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/2015/08/battle-lines.html  If it helps, I can tell you that I am feeling much less disjointed these days.  I think my mind has made a peace treaty with my parts.

[Finch]

Forever X, I too would switch doctors. That was extremely inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour on her part.

[rdownes]

What that doctor did was so not right, people just don't understand.  I chose to stay in the house my Kevin passed away in I can't deal with moving right now maybe one day l will reach the point that I realize even though Kevin can not physically be here anymore to be a part of making memories he is with us in everything we do because he is in our hearts so in a way he will still be a part of the new memories, I know that time right now feels like the enemy and the loneliness sets in more but I have hope just a few weeks ago I couldn't get out of bed without having to relive the he is gone feeling, that doesn't happen anymore I get up and have excepted he is gone  it sucks but slowly I am adjusting it is so hard and some days I feel I can't do it anymore but I have hope and that keeps me going right along with my thoughts of my Kevin and his love for me there is no rush in anything everyone has their own pase my thoughts are with you 

[kayc]

11 hours ago, rdownes said:

he is in our hearts so in a way he will still be a part of the new memories

This is profoundly true!

I still live in the same place, but I now have different vehicles, different animals, no longer work at the same place as when he was alive, different friends, different pastor.  Not much is the same except where I live and go to church, and even then, there are now different people than he knew.  I even have a new loveseat, although I kept our old one as well.  My computer is different, and I no longer have the riding lawnmower he bought.  With each of these changes it can feel like they're further removed from you, but they aren't.  He's still in my heart and soul and I like to think he sees and incorporates each of these changes with me.

[KATPILOT]

Things have changed in my life too. The longer we are on this journey, the more things around us will change. From the first coffee cup broken which was devastating, to replacing the bed you shared all those years, things just wear out.   Things can't last forever yet there will always be some that shall be with us till we die. There will always be some things we shared with our dearest love. When I realized changes could not be avoided I began to replace things with her in mind. I wouldn't buy it if I thought she wouldn't love it too. I still think as if I am not truly alone because I'm not. I once spoke about how I was no longer Steve and Kathy but just Steve.  Maybe I always was just Steve even when I was with her but we did everything together as two individuals in perfect synch. Now I am just effected by having lived with and loved her so deeply. Everything I do now is a product of that life. Am I influenced by her?  Absolutely but that's just who I am now and after all these years, I suspect I'm pretty set in my ways.  Not a bad place to be actually.

16 hours ago, kayc said:

  With each of these changes it can feel like they're further removed from you, but they aren't.  He's still in my heart and soul and I like to think he sees and incorporates each of these changes with me.

You hit the nail right on the head Kay.