How to continue as a Mother and Woman

[ABrenseke]

Just a brief history to set the tone. My husband of 18yrs passed away 6/26/2015 at 43 yrs old. We have 2 sons who are now 11 & 15 yrs of age ( I am 37). My family was a very tight knit unit; you saw one of us, you saw all 4. My husbands death was sudden and completely unexpected 2 days before my older sons 14th birthday! My husband and oldest were becoming very close, as he was growing up, becoming the best of friends and now that is gone.

As it has been over a year since my husbands passing, I am beginning to try to move forward and learn how to live as a single parent and an individual. I was 18 when my husband and I were married so being a single adult/parent is something that I never experienced before and never planned.

As I have began to venture out of the home without my children and try to make friends, my own age, my 15 yr old is rebelling against the thought of me spending time with anyone the he doesn't approve of. I have made the point to my children that I do NOT wish to be in a "relationship" and am NOT looking for anyone to replace their father. My number one priority for the next 6 years is my 2 children and raising them to be responsible, life successful young men. I think that is why I am so torn and at a lose on how to continue at this point! I am trying to learn to live my life as I raise them knowing that one day they will no longer be in my home and starting their own lives but I do not want to upset them or make them unhappy.

Do I just stop and strictly be a mother for the next 6 years or how do I get my 15 yr old to compromise on me learning to live my life?

[enna]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Both you and your boys have to find your own way now. It sounds like the openness you have with your boys is straight forward. Children are very resilient and if they feel secure then they will want their mother to be happy. I understand your point about your number one priority of caring for your boys but you have to remember that it is also important to care for yourself. Hugs to you.

Anne

[kayc]

I'm sorry you lost your husband so young and unexpectedly, that's really hard.

You have already stressed to your boys that being a mother is number one in your life.  It's important for you to have friendships and activities with peers and not be a mother only, because in a short few years they will leave home and they won't want you clinging to them to meet your every need, trust me.  Balance is key!

You are the parent, you don't need to ask your kids' permission to do something.  I wouldn't bring dates home, but by the same token, if you choose to meet a friend for a movie or dinner, that is your business.  It is different for kids, they are minors, they do still need to get permission for who they see and where they go.  It's good for your boys to respect your decisions as a parent and trust you to make the right decisions.  This has all shaken them up, undoubtedly, and they have fears.  Just keep assuring them how important they are to you and that you'll always be there for them.

 

[Polly]

I agree with everything Kay said. I only have 1 daughter at home now. She is 16 and has made the comment to me that she doesn't want me to be with another man. Luckily for her, I have no desire to be with anyone else. I do go out occasionally with a friend. I think it's good to go out with another adult from time to time. Also as Kay mentioned, in a few years my youngest will probably be leaving the nest and then I'm going to be alone. I do worry about that a lot. I was so looking forward to it being just Rich and I and now I'm dreading when that time comes.

[rdownes]

You need to have a life outside of your kids, as long as they know you love them you do not need their permission, when my kids all finally move out I will be completely alone my life was Kevin and my kids for 26 years I have no real friends and do not talk to my family, but I do not dwell on that now, you need to do what you need to do for yourself  just keep letting them know you love them and express your feelings about their father I wish you did not have to be a part of this group but am glad you found it

[Dew's Girl]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I was 43 when my husband passed away 18 months ago, so I know how daunting it can be to look ahead at the next 30+ years without having them in our lives.  I believe keeping a forward momentum is important when we can. I don't have children, but I know that those little ones are always looking at what parents do as much as what they say. I think modeling a healthy, full life including a strong social network of supportive friends is one of the best things you can do for them.